I've never been this angry at DH before and I'm not sure what to do.

[KeepsAwayTheNargles]

I'll try and keep this as un-rambly as possible... DH has a female friend who he has known for a very long time before he met me, yet who I have never met (together 3 years, married 2). I know they've had a flirty and close relationship but nothing physical ever (he wanted a long term relationship which she didn't). When I was pregnant with DS he asked me to check what a notification was on his phone and it was a text from her saying "thanks for the other day xx" and when I opened the message stream it turned out he'd been to see her on his way home from work (comes home at variable times so nothing looked suspect) for a bit over an hour and not told me/mentioned it, just acted like he'd come in from work. Needless to say I was unimpressed but he apologised and I let it go.

This evening DS was playing with his phone while he was out of the room, I noticed he'd managed to open the text screen so took it off him before he texted anyone gobbledegook and lo and behold, he's been texting her. The last message showing was from him - "I know, I'm being naughty, I'll stop lol x"

So I opened the thread and it was her whinging about her ex at which point he started with "if things had been different, missed your chance" stuff and she said that she thought "your wifey would be unimpressed if she knew you were talking like this" hence the last message from him.

I am fucking furious. I already had eroded trust due to the not telling me he'd been to see her, as normally if he drops in on a friend on the way home he tells me as part of the usual "how was your day" small talk, so it seems like a deliberate omission.

I only skim read the messages as DS was there climbing on me, and when DH came back into the room I gestured with the phone and said something sarcastic so he knew straight away.

We had a brief conversation in the kitchen during which he grovelled and apologised for "going too far while trying to comfort a friend"

Then during the bedtime process he said he had "deleted her completely off my phone now", apparently by way of apology but it seems to me more like clearing away evidence!

I am furious. I barely trust him now. We were supposed to be having a date night once DS was in bed and are actually going out on a date tomorrow (just dinner and a movie) but I don't want to now. I don't want to be anywhere near him. He thinks I'm massively overeating. Am I??

I don't know what to do from this point :(

AnyFucker *If he went to see the OW then op would have her answer, surely

It's not up to her to "make sure" he doesn't do that.*

Yes, if OP was aware he was going, then obviously. My point was if he did it behind her back.

And saying it's not up to her to make sure means she has to just take his word for it, which, in the current situation, is probably inadvisable. I guess it depends if she actually wants to try and reconcile.

OP, the boy has been a tit.
A total tit.

Just spoke to my DH about this and he is also of the opinion that the guy is a tit.
He agrees with me that it's completely decietful to have a 'secret friend' who he has been spending time with and messaging. And that the very fact that he has very quickly gotten rid of any evidence of communication instead of sitting down with you, being very open and showing you all of the communication is very very incriminating.

If he had any modicum of respect for you, he'd take himself away to give you the space you need to decide what you want to do. He would show proper shame for what he's done. He would know.

If he is not completely grovelling and knowing about how deeply hurtful and destructive his behaviour has been to you then frankly, he's not worth it.

He should feel shame and guilt and being open and answering any questions you might have.

If he's skulking and hiding and crying and playing a charade...it's not genuine remorse for what he's done to YOU, but at being caught at what HE has done.

We've talked more and I've spoken to DM. Tomorrow morning he's going to run an errand with FiL as always planned so he's out of the way, when he gets back he's driving me and DS to my mums and sodding off. I've made plans to go out with a different friend instead (to my old local) and then will be at DMs the next day. I did tell her and she is of course furious. H will pick us up at DS's bedtime on Sunday and drive us home, we'll have another talk that evening after I've had some space. He's sleeping on the sofa tonight and probably Sunday too.

I hope you don't all think I'm stupid for not kicking him out this evening, I just want some space to make sure I'm being as cold and clear-headed as possible if that makes sense.

It still doesn't feel real to be honest. I think me going away for the weekend will help the serious shit he's in sink in for him too.

I think he needs to be out of the house. How else will he know you're serious. Nothing has changed if you allow him to stay. Therefore it's ok to do this. Get him out of the house. Tonight.

And I do think you need to tell someone IRL. Let him know you'll need to share his because you need support in the horrible situation he's put you in. Sniggering at his 'wifey'. That's a bit nasty.

And tell him to stop fucking crying. What's he got to cry about. You're the one allowed to cry.

But get him out of the house now. Take the time to think.

Sorry x post.

Good you have a plan. You do need space, at least you've left him for the weekend. Sorry this is all a bit shit for you.

Well done

Well done OP. Sharing the burden with your DM and a friend will definitely help. It's so good to get a different RL perspective from people who know you but who also have a vantage point.
Lots of love and strength to you xx

Good for you. Sounds like a good plan.

Well everyone deals with things differently, so I´m not gonna slate you just cos you haven´t done what I would personally do, i.e boot his sorry arse out! But at least you´re getting away and having time apart. Get other people´s perspective´s too cos obv they know you.

But just remember this if you feel your courage waning and your resolve diminishing; he would still be conducting this relationship now had it not been for your little son playing with the phone. And you´d still be in blissful ignorance of his disgusting and deceitful shanannigans. He would be playing you for a fool, like he has for possibly the duration of your marriage.

He wants to have his cake and eat it but you´ve put paid to that now. But as he´s got form, I reckon the saying that a leopard doesn´t change it´s spots is very pertinant to your situation.

So just think carefully, all the while remembering that basically anything he says to you now is utter bullshit cos it´s spouted out of desperation, plus how could you trust another word he says?? He wants you right where it´s most convenient and if you don´t play the obediant little ¨wifey¨ role it´ll throw him into a right tailspin. You´ll have him on the back foot cos he´s the one used to being in control and calling the shots. You need to empower yourself. By not being predicatable, that will unsettle him.

This isn´t the 1950s and beyond where women depended on men. Fuck that shit! So just be honest with yourself, don´t take the easy option just cos it requires less effort and think about if you want him as a role model for your son, as well as if you could ever trust him again obv. Best of luck with it....

I think you're doing the right thing, you've told other people, you've changed your plans for the weekend and aren't spending it with him and he's on the sofa.

I hope you are able to think about what you want. You must be in shock so go easy on yourself.

Keep strong, love. We're here for you. And it's on these occasions when Mumsnet does each other proud.

I'd bet money this guy has done other stuff you don't know about, with this "friend" or others.

Thanks everyone. I'm in bed now, he's of course downstairs. Gonna try and get some sleep.

I think I just need to take it a day at a time. I've told him that he's not to be at all physically affectionate toward me/attempt to be until I say otherwise. He's on the sofa for as much time as I need and I told him that this doesn't mean that we're staying together, just that I need space and time to assess the situation. Which I do.

When I look at him and think about the messages I feel ill. I can't believe I married someone who would do that. I honestly don't know if I'll ever get past this, if I do of course it will never be the same.

Just a day at a time. I can't manage to think further ahead than that right now. Thank you all so much for being here. I'm going to try and get some sleep then talk to DM and my friend tomorrow afternoon/evening. I'll check in though.

I am all for men and women being friends but would never in a million years refer to another woman as wifey, yuck!

Personally that would be the end for me, OP. I think I could actually handle my partner being unfaithful much more easily than being referred to as wifey.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and wish you well.

Keeps This happened to me too. The secret friendship. It ate me up for nine years. It was in the ninth year that the second secret friendship came about. I insisted on counselling. When I discovered months later that the second secret friendship had became an affair, I insisted he leave. I finally realised that I could not control his choices or trust him to make decisions that would safeguard our marriage. The youngest of my four children was only 1 when I threw him out. Basically he didn't give enough of a shit to care, despite the loving words, the nice lifestyle, the gifts, the holidays, and the veneer of kindness. It is better to be alone than to be treated with callous disregard. Trust me on this.

I've had this several times. I've kicked him out , done counselling , screamed and shouted. Makes no difference. The only time I saw any realization of what he had done , is when I told my ex husband that I was sick of being a faithful chump , we were going to have an open marriage , and I was going to have some fun .

Awake, drinking coffee. Still furious. I just feel very cold towards him right now. The sadness is still there too but its buried under rage at the moment. I guess the good thing is that I'm clearly not forgetting what I've read. Just trying to work out how this is the same person who sent those messages.

At the moment I feel like I won't ever be able to get past this but the thought of being single is terrifying, mainly because we live in a HA property so far from my family. If I could find a private rental where my mum lives it would be less scary but its unlikely tbh. I'm trying to work out what's making me take it a day at a time and I'm pretty sure a large part of it is immediate practicality :( if I could afford to up and move to my mums town I probably would. Which is scary. I can't move back in with my mum as my sister and DNiece live there too (they're away this weekend).

Last time I felt this angry in a relationship (which was also a long term one) I literally up and left, no regrets, but I didn't have a child then and could just move at the drop of a hat. A large part of me this morning is wishing it was that simple.

I don't know what to do. Actually most of the reason I keep crying is because I think it probably is over and I don't know what to do or how to do it :( I have my own income but it isn't much (~£500 per month but it varies, self employed), certainly not enough to rent alone as nowhere here accepts HB :(

This is going to take so much time and thinking and working out. God what a fucking mess.

I hope you got some sleep OP and I hope your husband steers clear this morning!

HA often allow house swops, either with another tenant who wants to move or they may be willing to just let you move to another of their properties if they have one available. You are not stuck. Stick with HA if you possibly can - your tenancy will be much more secure than in a private rental.
I know this is a consideration for much further down the line, I just didnt want you to think you had no options.

The housing situation in DMs town is dire, no chance of swapping there. Our best bet would be to move into hers and be overcrowded but we'd still have to go into a B&B for a long while. Not really an option.

I'm on HB at the moment and I rent privately, could you ring around and see if there are any places available that would accept HB? You don't have to commit to leaving but it could be helpful to know what your options are .

Am now just exhausted and stressed and its nor even 9am FFS. Not sure how to get through the day at this point. H is keeping himself busy with housework. I'm sat with DS while he plays in the living room

GNRmama at this point I'm thinking I'll do that next weekend if this next week goes as badly as I think it will. I just found a 2 bed flat right next to DMs but it'll be gone before I've got my ducks in a row and decided if I want to take that leap.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through and think you are being incredibly brave. Sorry I know that doesn't help with the practicalities but just had to send you a big, warm hug xxxxx