I've never been this angry at DH before and I'm not sure what to do.

[KeepsAwayTheNargles]

I'll try and keep this as un-rambly as possible... DH has a female friend who he has known for a very long time before he met me, yet who I have never met (together 3 years, married 2). I know they've had a flirty and close relationship but nothing physical ever (he wanted a long term relationship which she didn't). When I was pregnant with DS he asked me to check what a notification was on his phone and it was a text from her saying "thanks for the other day xx" and when I opened the message stream it turned out he'd been to see her on his way home from work (comes home at variable times so nothing looked suspect) for a bit over an hour and not told me/mentioned it, just acted like he'd come in from work. Needless to say I was unimpressed but he apologised and I let it go.

This evening DS was playing with his phone while he was out of the room, I noticed he'd managed to open the text screen so took it off him before he texted anyone gobbledegook and lo and behold, he's been texting her. The last message showing was from him - "I know, I'm being naughty, I'll stop lol x"

So I opened the thread and it was her whinging about her ex at which point he started with "if things had been different, missed your chance" stuff and she said that she thought "your wifey would be unimpressed if she knew you were talking like this" hence the last message from him.

I am fucking furious. I already had eroded trust due to the not telling me he'd been to see her, as normally if he drops in on a friend on the way home he tells me as part of the usual "how was your day" small talk, so it seems like a deliberate omission.

I only skim read the messages as DS was there climbing on me, and when DH came back into the room I gestured with the phone and said something sarcastic so he knew straight away.

We had a brief conversation in the kitchen during which he grovelled and apologised for "going too far while trying to comfort a friend"

Then during the bedtime process he said he had "deleted her completely off my phone now", apparently by way of apology but it seems to me more like clearing away evidence!

I am furious. I barely trust him now. We were supposed to be having a date night once DS was in bed and are actually going out on a date tomorrow (just dinner and a movie) but I don't want to now. I don't want to be anywhere near him. He thinks I'm massively overeating. Am I??

I don't know what to do from this point :(

Can you stay for longer do you think? Don't go home if you don't have to.

Need to be home tomorrow as DS has a doctors appointment.

Can you see if you can get Drs appointment at your mum's GP? Or could you drive yourself there and then back?

I don't drive, would be a lot easier if I did :( may ask DM to take us and ask him to nor be there.

I agree change Dr appointment unless an emergency. You don't need to deal with your husband right now, you can look after your own feelings and stay at your mums for a bit.

He loves you and misses you; but right now you need to think about you. He need to cope with his own emotions. I hope he at least asked how you were? That is, a question which centred you and not his own hopes or feelings.

It sounds like you still want / need the space. Ask your Ma to help you get home and make sure he goes to his parents to give you space to think. Hugs

It is very hard to come to terms with this sort of betrayal. My ex-h had a "flirtation" with somebody shortly after our marriage, I made my feelings very clear. She was utterly predatory. I had no idea that they continued to stay in touch over the following 12 years, no idea at all. I don't think her husband had a clue either. When her husband was killed, my ex-h left me and the kids and moved straight in with her. Looking back, I can recall the odd "dodgy" text on his phone under a male name that I now suspect was her. Post leaving my ex tried to cover their relationship by saying that they had been "close friends" for "many years"...except nobody knew about it but them. I now know they had been having an affair on and off throughout our marriage.

Had I known all of this, I would have left him a long time ago and certainly would not have had a baby with him. Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it? The only way forward is for complete honesty from your husband, a total deletion of this woman from his life and indeed him making it very clear to her, in front of you, that the "friendship" is over. He can change all his contact details, however difficult and inconvenient that is. I would also suggest some counselling of some sort.

I am so sorry you're going through this OP, it's utterly shit. You and your DS deserve better and your husband is an utter twat. You are being very brave and I hope you can find a way forward

I'm a bit baffled that he asked you to check the notification on his phone, now if he truly was up to something he wouldn't let that phone out of his sight! However!! The red flag is deffo how he claims to have deleted her off the phone just like that! Hmm...If she's supposed to be a bonafide friend then he wouldn't have been so keen to lock her off just like that! As for going out, let your mum still babysit so it can give you the opportunity to discuss this at length.

Oh Nargles bin him.

By the sounds of it they haven't had sex I don't think.

I don't think she fancies him. However she LOVES the attention and admiration. Knowing she could click her fingers and have him whenever she wants must be a huge ego boost for her.

Chuck him out.

Then text/ring her and say "Hello. Wifey here. Just to let you know that DH is on his way and will be with you shortly. Enjoy."

ThatsNotMyRabbit my thoughts exactly and your idea is tempting.

I'm just so tired today. Way too tired to deal with this. If I ask him not to be there he'll go to PiLs and have to tell them, knowing them they'll decide its my fault. I don't think H would agree with that but you know. I do want him to go away until I feel ready to talk about it but bloody stupidly I don't want to upset him and i know he'll be really upset if I ask him to leave and no amount of logic is making me want to do that. I wish I could just communicate it telepathically.

Sorry I take back what I said, I just read about the fb messages...fuck that get rid soon as! He's taking the piss!!
Another way of doing this is to prepare yourself. Start learning to drive at his expense, get him to get you a car and open a sly bank account in your name and save. This is of course long term planning but at least in the long run you have independence for yourself.

He sound like he wanted the fun flirtation with her and the hard relationship with you. Life isn't like that

OP, U don't wanna upset HIM??.... erm, so ur gonna play the martyr in this situation? And bollocks to the fact he's treat u like utter shit and with total disregard for your feelings in all this?!

U are the one that is entitled to b upset here cos ur the victim. So fuck if he has to tell his family? Everyone should know wot a horrible little worm he is! Why would u protect him??

This is all his doin. He's upset the applecart bigtime and should their not be consequences for his behaviour? The very least u should do is ruin his Public Image and Persona by tellin everyone that'll listen wot he's done.

Just like in abusive relationships, if the victim stays quiet about it, her silence protects the perpetrator. And why would u give a flying fuck about anyone knowing the truth, that he's a lying, cheating, deceitful git?!

I agree u should stay another night and tell h to move out so u don't have to see his ugly, lying mug.

And to the pp..."he loves and misses u"....really? Sure bout that? He says one thing and his actions totally contradict him. Classic case of a liar. It's all tactics to reel u bk in. Sorry This isn't how a man demonstrates his love and respect for his wife surely??

What do your mam and friend think?

Does it matter if he tells PIL even if he makes out its your fault, (not sure how he would be able to tbh).

If you are not ready to see him then don't, do what is right for you right now and bar your son f*ck anyone else.

Nargles, my two pence. He's an idiot. She's an idiot. They have both thrived off the attention and illicit thrills. However, I don't think anyone can extrapolate to suggest that he'd be there panting if she clicked her fingers.

I may be wrong but I think the whole thing is a fantasy and if the OW asked for sex, he may well have a big reality check and have ended it. We can't assume he'd have going running.

He has acted very poorly but indulging in a rather pathetic, low grade ego-stroke fantasy of "what ifs" and having cuddles on text is a different kettle of fish from an affair. Yes, it's still an emotional one but driven by immature ego issues and the need to be found attractive rather than precursor to a physical affair.

Only the two of you can decide which. There is no hurry but I think you will need to find the time and money for professional support.

The only way to make this man see you mean business is for him to suffer loss

So far the only consequence for him is he had one night alone. Which he probably spent (at the very minimum) texting OW. His crocodile tears mean jackshit.

You sound like you want to protect him from the fall out. Bad move. He has to feel that fall out. That disapproval. What it feels like to truly lose the warm fires of home. He cannot be allowed to skim through this still looking like the Good Guy.

If you feel sorry for him and keep his dirty secret then you might as well sleepwalk back into a marriage where you just have a little tantrum when you find more evidence of cheating, spend a night at your mum's so he can go shag the latest floozy unchecked and you come back the next day to flowers and "apologies"

Is this the life you thought you deserved ?

AF's words are harsh but spot on.

Late to this and really sorry to hear about what you're going through.

For me, the red flag is more the fact he's done this before. He seems to need the attention and that needs to be addressed at the bear minimum in the medium term. Is there really no way you can try relationship counselling? Some practiced offer a sliding scale. I think Relate do some Skype ones. Might be better than nothing.

I agree that he needs to feel some sense of loss or will not enough motivation to change.

The other possibility beyond the fact he may be just a dick is that there is also fundamentally something not working in the relationship. You've not said that you love(d) him. You don't have to love him order to feel betrayed. How did you feel about your relationship before this all happened?

I'm not trying to make excuses for him, btw. Even if there are issues in your relationship, what he has done is still dick-ish in the extreme. But if there are issues, addressing them, even if you don't stay together, might lessen the feeling of bitterness that is currently looking to stay. You don't want to waste that kind of emotional energy on anybody or anything.

In the short term, though - yes, try to stay away from him longer, whether at your mum's, or having him with his parents.

I'd reschedule the appointment for your son, I'd tell him I was staying at mums for a few days and did not want to hear from him at all. Until I was ready.

If I decided that I wanted to come home but not have him there, I'd call the PIL myself and tell them that he might be coming to them and exactly why.

Enough secrets. He has no right to limit the support you get or the humiliation he suffers.

He hopes you 'had fun' last night?! Is he serious? He really has no idea how you're feeling or how badly he's hurt you has he?

Really love. He's done his feelings, he's prioritised them and wallowed all around in them at the expense of yours. Now you need to put yourself first and do what you need, and he needs to handle it like a grown up and respect that you need time, space and to do a lot of thinking before you can decide if he has any future in your life. Don't enable him to do his man child thing at your expense.

I agree with a pp that yes indeed, the Big Red Flag was at the start of the relationship with another OW As if that wasn't bad enough ( cos who actually pursues and flirts with another woman at the START of a new relationship?) And demonstrated his lack of morals, commitment and respect for the OP.....
So now he's doin the same with a 2nd woman on the sly! So this should've bn his 2nd chance, right? Which he's blown!
How many chances does this joker get OP? Did u think if he settled down with u and had a kid it'd finally hit him he's no longer single and fancy free? That he'd be mature enough to handle a long term monogamous relationship?

The way I see it, he's had 2 chances, he's shown he's incapable of change and your feelings and rights to a loving relationship built on trust and mutual respect mean fuck all, as far as he's conerned!

If I were u I'd b looking more at wot his actions are saying/have said as opposed to wot garbage is coming out of his mouth. I bet he said he'd never do it again, cried and grovelled the 1st time round did he?

And now history is repeating itself, just with a different woman. So how many more chances does he get?
He's demonstrated he won't change. Isn't it best u found that out now rather than waste another 5yrs on him cos u were in the dark?

Thank God your son helped u discover the truth imo.

AF is spot on and he needs to feel loss in order to understand his actions.

I've posted already, yesterday but wanted to add my view after sleeping on things like you and in the past I had an ex who flirted and I honestly don't know at points what he was up to or where. There were multiple 'adds' on FB of pretty women and flirtatious comments on pics and on one occasion he minimised his screen when I entered the living room. When questioned 'she' was 'nobody'. Trust eroded eventually and the relationship ended because he could not change his behaviour.

If I were you I would ask him to go and stay with the FIL until the dust has settled. Ask your Mum if she could please get you back there. Tell him, you'd rather he wasn't there as you need time to think.
Attend the Docs appoint with your DS as it was made for a reason.
Importantly your home is your home and your DS will feel most familiar and settled there with toys and it will be easier for you.

Importantly, you need time to think without him there. Only by being in your house on your own with your DS will you know what being alone feels like. I've been there. You will (and trust me) feel and be so much better of without him because you and your DS deserve so much better. Put yourself in control. You can do it.

Why should you have to put yourself out by staying at your mums. You have done nothing at all wrong. Could your mum go and stay with you there at all?

If you are worried about finances, he should still honour at least 50% of the outgoings until you reach a decision because DS is there.

Keep strong Keeps and don't be rushed by him or anyone and cannot be conveniently swept away.

*As this cannot be conveniently swept away.

You got to just focus on moving forward, I am a single working parent, yes there will be struggles but I know that staying in a dishonest and unhappy relationship will only affect the children and that's not right for them as they need to have positive relationships and they get first hand experience from parents. Respect yourself too go for what you deserve and as a women I tell you it's respect, honestly. Lady your special and nothing less. Never be scared of raising your children alone ever you get by I know xx