I've never been this angry at DH before and I'm not sure what to do.

[KeepsAwayTheNargles]

I'll try and keep this as un-rambly as possible... DH has a female friend who he has known for a very long time before he met me, yet who I have never met (together 3 years, married 2). I know they've had a flirty and close relationship but nothing physical ever (he wanted a long term relationship which she didn't). When I was pregnant with DS he asked me to check what a notification was on his phone and it was a text from her saying "thanks for the other day xx" and when I opened the message stream it turned out he'd been to see her on his way home from work (comes home at variable times so nothing looked suspect) for a bit over an hour and not told me/mentioned it, just acted like he'd come in from work. Needless to say I was unimpressed but he apologised and I let it go.

This evening DS was playing with his phone while he was out of the room, I noticed he'd managed to open the text screen so took it off him before he texted anyone gobbledegook and lo and behold, he's been texting her. The last message showing was from him - "I know, I'm being naughty, I'll stop lol x"

So I opened the thread and it was her whinging about her ex at which point he started with "if things had been different, missed your chance" stuff and she said that she thought "your wifey would be unimpressed if she knew you were talking like this" hence the last message from him.

I am fucking furious. I already had eroded trust due to the not telling me he'd been to see her, as normally if he drops in on a friend on the way home he tells me as part of the usual "how was your day" small talk, so it seems like a deliberate omission.

I only skim read the messages as DS was there climbing on me, and when DH came back into the room I gestured with the phone and said something sarcastic so he knew straight away.

We had a brief conversation in the kitchen during which he grovelled and apologised for "going too far while trying to comfort a friend"

Then during the bedtime process he said he had "deleted her completely off my phone now", apparently by way of apology but it seems to me more like clearing away evidence!

I am furious. I barely trust him now. We were supposed to be having a date night once DS was in bed and are actually going out on a date tomorrow (just dinner and a movie) but I don't want to now. I don't want to be anywhere near him. He thinks I'm massively overeating. Am I??

I don't know what to do from this point :(

And on the pragmatic side, if you decide to stay on at your mum's, get a hot water bottle, they're brilliant.

If your PiL blame you, for him behaving inappropriately with an OW, they're being dicks.

As AF says, your H needs to feel some consequences: one night of you being away is hardly consequences. This week should bring some inconvenience to himself and tricky conversations with friends and family.

Suggest you learn to drive - or re-learn if you've passed years ago but not driven (like me after many years in London!)

Just sending you OP.

I think you need to bite the bullet on this one. Fuck the PiL - This isn't about them OR their opinion. So what if they blame you? Both you and they will know it's not your fault.

You need to look after YOURSELF and DS in this and PIL do not matter at all. In fact their shitty opinion shouldn't factor in to your decisions in this. So kick him out, let him have all the awkward conversations and text this OW and tell her he is on his way to her.

Practically, I recommend an electric blanket and to make sure you keep eating and sleep as well as you can in the circumstances.

More for you, too. This is a horrible situation to be in.

Throw him out. See where he lands.
Straight into her lap by the sound of it.

I was in a similar situation some years ago, right down to be called 'wifey' on a text from her to him. As others have said, this term is denigrating and used to make you seem frumpy and dull.
My ex also refused to let me meet this woman and we split up. Like you, I had a young child. Also like you, he'd done something like this before.
This situation is horrible and I really feel for you, but now I am with a lovely man who respects me and wouldn't dream of behaving like this, I'm so glad I did.
I'm two hours from family but it can be done. Get rid of him.

Been wondering how you are fairing? Hope you're okay. Do update when you're able. I'm sure I'm not the only one wondering what's happened.

Hi Mamahotfoot. Came home on Sunday in the end but ended up with a migraine by midday on Monday that was so bad I had to call H home from work to look after DS and me to be honest. Only really came to yesterday evening, he's been sleeping on the sofa still and looking after us. Had a talk again last night and we're going to see about going to couples counselling to address his issues and how they impact on the relationship. So we're tentatively staying together and seeing how things go, which I will probably now get flamed for...

No flaming at all. You know your situation best. Sorry to hear about the migraine - they are terrible. Hope you're feeling a
bit better now.

Best of luck lass We´re always here if you need us......

No absolutely no flaming from me...you do what you have to do. You will always receive support if you need it. Good luck with everything OP

'wifey' says it all. She has no respect for you and your marriage and probably resent you. And his 'comforting' of her is out of order.

Couples counselling??? For HIS problems?
Seems odd.

But good for you OP.
You do what you need to do and what is right for you and your family.
You don't have to commit to anything right now.
Just take it a day at a time.

All you can do is what feels right for you right now. Sometimes when we stress over something we get to the stage where we end up just too damn tired to think about it, so before your counselling re read the thread and make notes of how you were feeling, until then just take care of yourself.

No flaming here either, only you know the whole situation and most importantly what it is you want and how you feel. There is no one clear right way or answer for anyone.

He'll have it on his own too I think, he's sorting it all out. I don't have the energy to.

I have a lot of pain still in my shoulders and neck :( tried to have a nice bath as self care but it hasn't helped. I did have a little breakdown and a cry in it though :(

I really hope that counselling will help me make sense of it all. I do think seeing me so ill because of it has made it sink in for him just how bad it was. Every time I mention how I'm feeling and why he tears up again but he seems to be focusing on looking after DS/me while I'm ill and focusing on putting things right. Only time will tell and I'm still just exhausted and upset all the time :(

No flaming or judgement here. I forgave mine with less effort on his part! Be prepared for it not to work out but there is of course a chance that it will.

Oh OP I hope no one flames you for it.

One day at a time is all you can do. No one should judge you.

Good luck with the counselling and re-building. Some couples can, and some can't. There is no clear path. Just do what feels right to you, be aware and learn from it. As long as you can restore your faith in him, and he does whatever that takes, however long that takes, you could be ok.

Maybe never let him forget he's been a twat though, huh?

Good luck, Nargles (and how I love your username!!).

The counselling is a good idea - even if you don't stay together in the end, it might help make a split easier. I hope you find a way through it ok, regardless of what happens.

Thinking of you.

Still learn to drive though and good luck with whatever you choose to do, hope it works out for you x

Yes yes, learn to drive!

In your shoes I would dig and dig for info!

Well i wish you all the best in your future. It's your decision on how to move forward with this situation ultimately but just lay down the ground rules.