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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've never been this angry at DH before and I'm not sure what to do.

274 replies

KeepsAwayTheNargles · 12/02/2016 18:26

I'll try and keep this as un-rambly as possible... DH has a female friend who he has known for a very long time before he met me, yet who I have never met (together 3 years, married 2). I know they've had a flirty and close relationship but nothing physical ever (he wanted a long term relationship which she didn't). When I was pregnant with DS he asked me to check what a notification was on his phone and it was a text from her saying "thanks for the other day xx" and when I opened the message stream it turned out he'd been to see her on his way home from work (comes home at variable times so nothing looked suspect) for a bit over an hour and not told me/mentioned it, just acted like he'd come in from work. Needless to say I was unimpressed but he apologised and I let it go.

This evening DS was playing with his phone while he was out of the room, I noticed he'd managed to open the text screen so took it off him before he texted anyone gobbledegook and lo and behold, he's been texting her. The last message showing was from him - "I know, I'm being naughty, I'll stop lol x"

So I opened the thread and it was her whinging about her ex at which point he started with "if things had been different, missed your chance" stuff and she said that she thought "your wifey would be unimpressed if she knew you were talking like this" hence the last message from him.

I am fucking furious. I already had eroded trust due to the not telling me he'd been to see her, as normally if he drops in on a friend on the way home he tells me as part of the usual "how was your day" small talk, so it seems like a deliberate omission.

I only skim read the messages as DS was there climbing on me, and when DH came back into the room I gestured with the phone and said something sarcastic so he knew straight away.

We had a brief conversation in the kitchen during which he grovelled and apologised for "going too far while trying to comfort a friend" Hmm

Then during the bedtime process he said he had "deleted her completely off my phone now", apparently by way of apology but it seems to me more like clearing away evidence!

I am furious. I barely trust him now. We were supposed to be having a date night once DS was in bed and are actually going out on a date tomorrow (just dinner and a movie) but I don't want to now. I don't want to be anywhere near him. He thinks I'm massively overeating. Am I??

I don't know what to do from this point :(

OP posts:
GNRmama · 12/02/2016 20:49

Feigning an illness sounds like a good idea if it gets him away for a few days. Some space will really help you have a think about how you want to proceed ChocolateWineThanks

TheCunkOfPhilomena · 12/02/2016 20:53

So sorry Nargles, I was in this position with XP. He did this three times to me and I had to tell him to leave after the third occasion that I knew about. I still don't know how far he went with the other women but I don't need to. He, like your H has displayed just how little he respects you and your family. How dare he think this is okay.

I wouldn't be the one leaving, I would be telling him to get out. Ask your mum to come to you if you feel you want her support but keep posting on here; this site was a lifeline for me and I wish I knew then what I know now: life is so much better with a partner that is your equal and respects you.

Flowers
Goodbetterbest · 12/02/2016 20:53

You need some space. He should give you some. Tell him to go for the weekend, stay at home with your DS. Rug up, cry if you need to, think and be kind to yourself.

Give yourself a chance to think about where you go from here. If it's a deal breaker and what YOU want to happen next.

I've been there too. MN is a wonderful support.

Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 12/02/2016 20:56

I have texted best friend to see if she wants to come and do the date night with me. She probably already has plans (single London life) but you never know. Also have a back up friend who might come out with me. So I may go to my mums as planned and tell her. If I can then go out with a friend.

OP posts:
RabbitSaysWoof · 12/02/2016 20:57

I've been there too, you need space. Can your best friend come to you if you send H to his parents?

SantanaBinLorry · 12/02/2016 20:59

You dont have to keep his secrets, but you also dont have to blurt it all out to your mum the day after it happened. Raw indeed.
Talk to your friend, could she come to stay for the weekend? Her visit could be a valid reason to cancel date night. And you can speak to your mum when uou are ready.
Kick the dick out. Until you are ready to proceed.

magoria · 12/02/2016 20:59

How old is DS?

He has basically been cosying up with her and and telling her he would be with her rather than you for all the time your DS has been around if not longer.

Plus he did this at the start of your relationship. How much time of your short relationship has he spent messing around with other women?

Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 12/02/2016 21:01

Apparently a lot magoria :( at least messaging and flirting with them.

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 12/02/2016 21:03

Tell him you won't be going out with him tomorrow and that he should go to his parents for the weekend while you think.

magoria · 12/02/2016 21:03

You deserve better Flowers

Take your time and work out what is best for you and DS.

SeeYouTomorrow · 12/02/2016 21:05

He is crying? He is pathetic. He is feeling sorry for himself.

Give yourself breathing room. Make him leave for a little while.

In the long term you will acknowledge that there is nothing you can do to repair your marriage. He is the one who will have to do the work, but is he even capable? Remember, this is the man who gave himself permission , more than once, to be extremely inappropriate with another person. Fundamentally, he sees nothing wrong with conducting these types of relationships outside his marriage. I believe that moral flaw cannot be corrected. It is who he is. So any fix will just be temporary. He will be remorseful but over time that will fade until the the next woman comes along.

I always think there only two choices for spouses who find themselves in a relationship with people like your husband:
1/ Leave or
2/ Accepted this is who he is and learn to live with the fact that you will never trust him. That he is very likely to cheat again.

WonderingAspie · 12/02/2016 21:08

He needs to get out of your face and give you some space instead of whining at you like a toddler. Pathetic man. He's just sorry he got found out. He wouldn't have stopped. If she gave him the green light this would have been a full blown affair (if it already hasn't been, the snuggling up doesn't sound good).

Resilience16 · 12/02/2016 21:15

If you think the relationship is worth saving you could consider couples counselling. For me tho, once the trust has gone it is pretty nigh on impossible to get it back.
Good luck x

mummytippy · 12/02/2016 21:31

You need spce to think of the way forward as I've said already... What I want to emphasise is you need to keep your DS with you whatever you decide to do. Do not leave him or send him with your H

MoominPie22 · 12/02/2016 21:32

He´s only upset that he´s been rumbled, as I say. He´s not sorry about what he´s done or that he´s hurt you. He´s been busted and now his fun is over...time to deal with reality! Cos guess what??....partners have feelings and are deserving of respect and consideration too! Who knew.....?

Yes you´ve busted his fantasy and double-life wide open, spoiling that bitch´s fun too no doubt!

He deserves no consideration or compassion from you. Tell everyone....his family and friends etc. I´d be shouting from the rooftops what a despicably, traitorous shithead he´s been. How he´s seen fit to treat you, the mother of his son!

What a shining example he is to his little boy....eh? How to treat women, Lesson 1.!! Hmm How to be an utter fucking cunt, Lesson 2....

What are your plans for tonight? I would boot him out. It´s no hardship to him, given his family live nearby, and it sends a powerful message to him that you´re serious as fuck!

Best of British with this one Flowers, anger=strength. Use it. Lean on your friends and family and accept all of their help and support.

And lastly, lose the jerk. Honestly, don´t rationalize that you´re dependant on him financially or otherwise. If you stay you´re simply giving him the green light to keep on hurting you and treating you like shit. Don´t let him be responsible for eroding your dignity to such an extent that you feel powerless, like you can´t do any better than him.

You deserve so much more than what he is providing. If fundamentals such as respect and trust are lacking, there´s no real hope as far as I´m concerned. He´s burned his bridges imo. For me this would be a dealbreaker.

LionHearty · 12/02/2016 21:33

Please don't show him this thread. This thread is for you to vent, to work through and garner support and insight. Don't feel hurried. Take your time. You didn't make this mess. Don't sweep the situation under the carpet.

AvaCrowder · 12/02/2016 21:36

Get your best friend near you, or get to her.

Things are always better with your best friend there. I'm guessing that she was at your wedding.

ClarenceTheLion · 12/02/2016 21:39

The typical problem with this type of man is that they are so used to deception that they instinctively know to offer up only minimal information to pacify their partner. They have no interest in being honest. It will only clip their wings.

One thing I think is healthy is to bring it all out in the open, don't cover for him. Let him feel your family's disapproval. If you don't help him quietly bury his shit, so to speak, it makes things more complicated for him.

But I'd struggle to stay with a man I couldn't trust. He's already had two emotional affairs. He seems like the kind of man who will always be looking for a greener pasture...

FluffyPersian · 12/02/2016 21:41

I don't think it's up to you to 'find a way forward'. I think he should be the one proposing what to do.

Personally I think the fact she's 'such a good friend' and you've never met her speaks volumes... why is that? Why does he say that is? She didn't come to your wedding? Why not? I've introduced all of my 'good friends' to my partner as they're both important in my life...

He's crying and apologising as he knows he's done something wrong... yet this has been going on for what? years? So why is he crying NOW? as he's been rumbled.....

I imagine he's still hoping that you will brush this under the carpet and he can go back to the flirty texts and who knows.. maybe 'snuggling' with his friend in the future....Hmm.

I'd be livid, I wouldn't want him anywhere near me and I also think I'd kick him out and see where he lands.

If you forgive him easily, he'll continue to do this and you will never be able to trust him again.

TravellingLoon · 12/02/2016 21:45

If you think there might be a way of working it out, what I would personally do (assuming friends can't come) is tell him that on this ONE occasion, you will not be telling your mum what's happened, you and DS will be going to see your mum as planned and that you will tell her DH s ill and so can't come. That way you still get to see your mum and get some head space and he understands what it feels like to be on his own. I also would say to him that you need some space to think about the future and hopefully that will scare him into deciding what he actually wants. My concern would be of course that by leaving him on his own while you are over an hour away, he may go and see the OW, so you would need to be sure he has deleted her from his life.

AnyFucker · 12/02/2016 21:49

If he went to see the OW then op would have her answer, surely

It's not up to her to "make sure" he doesn't do that.

lavenderhoney · 12/02/2016 21:51

There is nothing wrong with telling your mum, because you haven't done anything wrong. It's him. Don't fall into the trap of thinking somehow you and your ds weren't worth it so have to keep his secrets.

The day a friend ignored a cheery email from me and just wrote back with much insight " spill" was a turning point for me- I'd been pretending everything was OK, even to me for quite some time. And yes, I'd seen the messages.

I'd tell him to bugger off tbh, and there would be no date night. What?

Then silence for a few days whilst you think carefully if you want to try again and if you can trust him to try again. Then months and months of kindness and misery whilst you both try again and you wonder if he is de stressing to this woman whom he is encouraging.

That's why you need time alone - yes, see friends etc but you need time alone.

CockwombleJeff · 12/02/2016 21:57

Please OP summon all your strength and pack his things and tell him to go - for now at least.

I promise you if you do this you will be so proud of yourself and in a much better position to negotiate the way forward - what that is - on YOUR terms.

Ignore the tears - it is SO hard - but don't back down .

He is upset he has been found out - he wasn't upset with what he was doing yesterday .

NNalreadyinuse · 12/02/2016 21:57

It doesnt matter what your h says to you or what he promises you. You have to judge him by how he has actually treated you and how he continues to treat you.
The 'wifey' thing is so very condescending - not only has he allowed that, he has encouraged it. For that alone I think you should leave him.

MoominPie22 · 12/02/2016 21:59

Clarence Good post and I agree. I feel like when women stay quiet and don´t speak about these things with friends and family from both sides, then that silence is protecting the deceitful bastard! Let him be shamed. That´s why I´m saying I´d shout it from the rooftops, stick it on Facebook etc.....who cares? The more exposure the better!

Let the bastard feel the heat and the shame and have to field people´s questions as well as feel their opinions change of him. He´s the culprit and the perpetrator of misery so I´d be letting him have it both barrels! Smile Don´t protect the shithead. People always side with the innocent party and the victim in all this. Even his own family would be total nutters if they tried to defend his actions on this one! It´s just not morally possible.

The OP has been hard done by and people´s loyalties and sympathies would be with her, esp with a child in the equation. Look how strangers are reacting on here, so friends and family who actually know them will react even more strongly I feel.

Also, I wouldn´t assume it´s just been ¨emotional affairs¨ either. How will she ever know? You´re not gonna believe a word he says are you?