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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've never been this angry at DH before and I'm not sure what to do.

274 replies

KeepsAwayTheNargles · 12/02/2016 18:26

I'll try and keep this as un-rambly as possible... DH has a female friend who he has known for a very long time before he met me, yet who I have never met (together 3 years, married 2). I know they've had a flirty and close relationship but nothing physical ever (he wanted a long term relationship which she didn't). When I was pregnant with DS he asked me to check what a notification was on his phone and it was a text from her saying "thanks for the other day xx" and when I opened the message stream it turned out he'd been to see her on his way home from work (comes home at variable times so nothing looked suspect) for a bit over an hour and not told me/mentioned it, just acted like he'd come in from work. Needless to say I was unimpressed but he apologised and I let it go.

This evening DS was playing with his phone while he was out of the room, I noticed he'd managed to open the text screen so took it off him before he texted anyone gobbledegook and lo and behold, he's been texting her. The last message showing was from him - "I know, I'm being naughty, I'll stop lol x"

So I opened the thread and it was her whinging about her ex at which point he started with "if things had been different, missed your chance" stuff and she said that she thought "your wifey would be unimpressed if she knew you were talking like this" hence the last message from him.

I am fucking furious. I already had eroded trust due to the not telling me he'd been to see her, as normally if he drops in on a friend on the way home he tells me as part of the usual "how was your day" small talk, so it seems like a deliberate omission.

I only skim read the messages as DS was there climbing on me, and when DH came back into the room I gestured with the phone and said something sarcastic so he knew straight away.

We had a brief conversation in the kitchen during which he grovelled and apologised for "going too far while trying to comfort a friend" Hmm

Then during the bedtime process he said he had "deleted her completely off my phone now", apparently by way of apology but it seems to me more like clearing away evidence!

I am furious. I barely trust him now. We were supposed to be having a date night once DS was in bed and are actually going out on a date tomorrow (just dinner and a movie) but I don't want to now. I don't want to be anywhere near him. He thinks I'm massively overeating. Am I??

I don't know what to do from this point :(

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 12/02/2016 20:02

I really want to just take some time and work out where to go from here but tomorrow is feeling like a deadline. If we were supposed to be at home I'd just be making him sleep on the sofa until I'd gotten my head around it, but I can't because we're supposed to be staying at my mums overnight (so she babysits, date planned in her town where I used to live).

I need some time but I don't bloody have any. I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it IRL yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 12/02/2016 20:04

A bath might be a good idea. Just resettling DS at the moment, he's really unsettled tonight.

OP posts:
JolseBaby · 12/02/2016 20:08

I would make arrangements to go to your Mum's, with your DS, and leave the douchebag to it at home.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 12/02/2016 20:10

Of course there is no deadline.

You and your DS need to go to your mums tomorrow, without him.

Tell your mum. Stop keeping his secret for him.

When you caught him out last time, how did that play out? A dramatic deletion of the woman from his life, a bit of crying, much like what's happening now?

rumbleinthrjungle · 12/02/2016 20:11

It's not a deadline, claim a headache, a cold, anything if you want time to think first before you explain anything to your family.

If you want out tonight and a break from the house then your mum would come, then it really won't hurt ds to be lifted for one night. Wrap him up and settle him once you get to your mums and he will very likely be fast asleep in the car in five minutes. If you want the space then ask h to go as DrGoogle says. You need that bath and the head space.

AyeAmarok · 12/02/2016 20:12

Don't allow yourself to be the butt of their little in-jokes. That is soul-destroying, and if you sweep it under the carpet then he'll assume you condone it and he's permitted to treat you like this. And the next step is an actual affair.

99WithAFlakePlease · 12/02/2016 20:13

Slow down a bit and focus! You are imagining yourself as a single mother before you've had the opportunity to talk about this together properly. I would go ahead with tomorrow but tell him that the focus of the night is now on this. He needs to know how you feel and you need to hear his explanations.

My husband developed an unhealthy relationship with a female colleague when she was getting divorced. I expected him to be named in divorce proceedings but he wasn't! He swears nothing happened but I still feel uneasy about it. I mean, he used to stay at her house on nights out etc and had spare clothes and toiletries there but I'm supposed to believe he slept in a spare room! She only backed off when she married someone else. We moved on but it's always there in the background.

MadamDeathstare · 12/02/2016 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CauliflowerBalti · 12/02/2016 20:24

My love...

Show him this thread. Show him that you are not over-reacting. He's having an emotional affair with this woman.

MoominPie22 · 12/02/2016 20:27

He's pathetic and disgusting! He's crying like that to get YOU to feel sorry for HIM??Shock wot a sorry fucking performance!!Angry
The only reason he's crying is cos you found him out! They'd still b at it now if your son hadn't bn playin with his phone. You'd b the totally oblivious little "wifey"! How does that feelAngry?
U need to show him u mean business rather than let him grovel and kiss your arse. It's all just piss and wind anyway. You now know wot he really thinks of u and wot he's bn up to. You're nothin more than his security blanket or his comfy pair of familiar slippers. Sorry Sad
Infact, rewind...cos u actually have no idea wot he's bn up to do u? If he comes home at irregular times, God knows how often they see eachother. Or wot they get up to....if he hasn't yet shagged her he def wants to! And disrespecting u with her into the bargain....He's a disgusting sack of shit!!
Get angry and use that anger to your advantage. Tell him to fuck off tonite, so u can think and don't have to listen to his pathetic whinging and wailing! As others have said, I'd go to your mams tomoro and tell her everythin. U need time away to think. He can stay behind and stew, the shitty little devious fucker!Angry

NorksAreMessy · 12/02/2016 20:28

Picking up on your stress, I expect :(

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 12/02/2016 20:29

Chinks Grin There's nothing that would rile me more in a situation like this than him standing there whining on about not being able to forgive himself. It's all about him isn't it...

forfucksake · 12/02/2016 20:33

Agreed, show him the thread. It might wake him up. You are not responsible for making him feel better when he's crying. He needs to shut the fuck up and ask what you would like him to do tonight - go and give you peace, or sleep there but on the sofa. As for what to do about her, wait until you know what you want to do in your own relationship. It's hard, as one that stayed despite doubts I still have moments where I wonder but it's been 10 years and I've had no reason to doubt him since. But he didn't behave like this, that I knew of. Men, why are they so fucking stupid!

Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 12/02/2016 20:35

We can't afford marriage counselling, everything is very expensive in this area including that!

I don't know how I feel. I physically calmed down while dealing with DS and he's hanging laundry up elsewhere like I asked him to. So I am calm but no clearer on the way forward. Any options other than spend the weekend apart? I really don't want to have to explain this to my DM while its still raw. But I'm probably going to have to. I could send him off to PiL with DS both weekend days all day which gives me space but I still have to explain cancelling our date which we don't do often and she knows I've been looking forward to I so wouldn't do lightly.

At least I'm not panicking right now I guess.

OP posts:
GNRmama · 12/02/2016 20:35

Nargles, I just wanted to offer you a hand to hold. I'm so sorry your twat husband has put you in this position. Please take your DS and go to your mum's, don't bring your husband. Tell her everything, like everyone else has said - this is not your secret and you don't have to keep it x

IguanaTail · 12/02/2016 20:36

Tell him to go and stay with his parents.

Then when you have him out the way, have a good think. Could you invite your mum to stay with you for a couple of days? That would make the prospect of him returning quite unattractive for him short term.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 12/02/2016 20:37

Noooo don't show him the thread

IguanaTail · 12/02/2016 20:38

Or tell him to go to stay with his parents and just ring your mum and say you've come down with a tummy bug or cystitis or something and your evening out is off. Take your time. You don't have to tell anyone anything.

Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 12/02/2016 20:39

I won't be showing him the thread. To be honest I want to run away but if he goes to his parents I still have DS. My mum is lovely and would do anything I asked her to and be endlessly supportive but I find her a little suffocating sometimes so tend to shy away when its big problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 12/02/2016 20:41

I've got to decide quickly as we're supposed to be travelling to DMs in the morning. I could feign being really ill - migraine or something - that would cover cancelling the date and sending him with DS to PiLs both days...

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 12/02/2016 20:41

Thank you all again, I really really appreciate you all being here for me Flowers

OP posts:
CockwombleJeff · 12/02/2016 20:42

I have been in this situation.

There is way more to this than you know or realise.

He needs to move out until you get to the bottom of this - otherwise this will go on for years unchecked Sad

Notimefortossers · 12/02/2016 20:42

If you're not ready to tell your mum yet, couldn't you say that you have to cancel because you're not feeling well so (D)H is taking DS to stay with his parents for the weekend to give you a rest? Then pack him off to his parents with your son and give yourself a couple of days breathing space?

Sorry you're going through this Flowers

QuartzUcan · 12/02/2016 20:43

Is there anyway you could go (with DS) and keep the arrangement with mum?
You need to be apart from him somehow at moment.(see all other poster's options on this)

Other option is tell him to f**ck off tomorrow and you and DS stay at home and tell your mum ( if it is a distance) that you can't make it due to "insert an excuse that works" - this assumes that you don't want/need your mum at this time however.

Do not let him play you for a fool and the weekend goes ahead as planned though ...

Notimefortossers · 12/02/2016 20:43

X post OP

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