I've never been this angry at DH before and I'm not sure what to do.

[KeepsAwayTheNargles]

I'll try and keep this as un-rambly as possible... DH has a female friend who he has known for a very long time before he met me, yet who I have never met (together 3 years, married 2). I know they've had a flirty and close relationship but nothing physical ever (he wanted a long term relationship which she didn't). When I was pregnant with DS he asked me to check what a notification was on his phone and it was a text from her saying "thanks for the other day xx" and when I opened the message stream it turned out he'd been to see her on his way home from work (comes home at variable times so nothing looked suspect) for a bit over an hour and not told me/mentioned it, just acted like he'd come in from work. Needless to say I was unimpressed but he apologised and I let it go.

This evening DS was playing with his phone while he was out of the room, I noticed he'd managed to open the text screen so took it off him before he texted anyone gobbledegook and lo and behold, he's been texting her. The last message showing was from him - "I know, I'm being naughty, I'll stop lol x"

So I opened the thread and it was her whinging about her ex at which point he started with "if things had been different, missed your chance" stuff and she said that she thought "your wifey would be unimpressed if she knew you were talking like this" hence the last message from him.

I am fucking furious. I already had eroded trust due to the not telling me he'd been to see her, as normally if he drops in on a friend on the way home he tells me as part of the usual "how was your day" small talk, so it seems like a deliberate omission.

I only skim read the messages as DS was there climbing on me, and when DH came back into the room I gestured with the phone and said something sarcastic so he knew straight away.

We had a brief conversation in the kitchen during which he grovelled and apologised for "going too far while trying to comfort a friend"

Then during the bedtime process he said he had "deleted her completely off my phone now", apparently by way of apology but it seems to me more like clearing away evidence!

I am furious. I barely trust him now. We were supposed to be having a date night once DS was in bed and are actually going out on a date tomorrow (just dinner and a movie) but I don't want to now. I don't want to be anywhere near him. He thinks I'm massively overeating. Am I??

I don't know what to do from this point :(

I wouldn't be so pissed at her if she hadn't referred to her as 'wifey'

The buck stops with the husband of course but whichever way you look at it this is an inappropriate relationship they share. One which his wife is excluded from.

Regular here but with a quick NC.

I had this with DH and a close female friend he kept me at arms length from. Similar occurred with texts.

When I found out I went apeshit. Threw him out. Called her then partner and told him (which destroyed their relationship unfortunatly), and told DHs parents who idolise him for always doing the right thing. MIL was a saint and nearly throttled him, and couldn't bare to have him stay at theirs.

Until he was willing to disclose everything I was unwilling to even speak to him. It wasn't pretty and it's taken a long time to put right, but I couldn't see a future when there was no trust.

Our relationship isn't the same as it was.

for you. LTB.

I've now read all of your thread OP, didn't want to influence my thoughts before but I agree with AF. You could just tell your mum that you want her to babysit as usual but that you'll be going away for a couple of days and could she manage that? Or perhaps see if your friend could put both of you up for a bit so that you have some time with her?

His friend isn't disrespectful to you that I can see but she's mirroring his 'humour' and HE is being disrespectful to you.

I would think about asking him to leave for a bit - and maybe see if your friend can possibly come to you so that you're not alone at home?

I'd be working out an exit plan. Do it secretly. Do your research. Save money. Keep some independence.

DH has a female friend from before we met. However, I've met her several times, she's my facebook friend and DH is more than happy to show me any texts/emails. I also have seen them together and I know that the is no chemistry between them. They are just friends, simple as that. Actually, he had quite a few female friends TBH. I say "had" because they're my friends now.

Your situation is completely different. I'm so sorry to read about it. It's the secrecy of the thing. Right. Have a good cry / panic / anger-related pillow thumping session. Then calm down and work out your future with you and DS. It can be done. Once you present your exit strategy to your DH and he realises that you are entirely serious, then he has a choice: to make you his number one priority or to keep texting this woman. You'll soon know which way to turn after that.

Good luck

Do you love him or have you just lost complete trust and the love with it? I would find it very very hard to trust DH again if he did this. And I wouldn't see any way back from that.

It's like he has been propositioning her and she has been turning him down and the pair of them have been laughing at you- his 'wifey' . It's disloyal of him and disrespectful.

He did it because he wanted to.

You are better off alone- he'd have to leave the house in a divorce.

This is horrible OP. You have to go with how you felt in your gut and follow up with what you've said in that you'll never trust him again. As you've said you've let things go once and he's re-offended.
I feel that sadly you don't really know him. Especially as you haven't ever been introduced to this woman.

I think the name 'wifey' is patronising and as hard as it will seem as you're processing emotions relating to your DS too, you need to get away at least for this weekend. Pack some things for you and your DS and go stay with your parents. Talk to them and think long-term. You've already given him a second chance and he blew it. Trust is everything X

Take the babysitter tomorrow as planned and tell him he's taking you to her house to meet this friend.

If he refuses you'll have the answer you need and if he agrees then go and meet her. Take his phone before you land it on him. It's the only way I can think of to settle the whirling going on in your head.

I would be royally gutted in your shoes and thinking that he's just settled for me, that he would be off like a shot if he got the nod. I would be going to see her whether she appears to be keeping him at arms length or not.

This 'friendship' is bullshit. He's kept this woman around as a back up option/ego boost. He is pathetic and ridiculous and taking you for a mug

I don't think you're overreacting at all. I don't think my marriage would survive that.

Why didn't she come to your wedding OP? That seems weird if she's his bessie mate. I would be fuming in your position and think I would take DS and go and stay with my Mum so I could talk to someone sensible about it. This is not alright and he needs a short sharp shock if nothing else.

I've looked further back at Facebook messages and there are some from last year when DS was tiny that he went to see her and she says she "had to stop herself from snuggling up next to him", and a few weeks later they had to cancel a meeting up as her kid was ill.

I feel sick. I don't drive, and I can't get DS out of bed. If we spend the weekend apart it will all be real won't it :( every time I soften I look at those messages and want to tell him to fuck off and never come back. This isn't what I wanted. I don't know how this is happening :(

Thank you all for being here, I really need it right now :(

I take back that she's done nothing wrong, Keeps, your latest post about the facebook messages is stepping way over the line.

Yes it's real and not it's not what you wanted but here is where you are. You need a gameplan to deal with this awful situation. I'm so sorry.

If his family are 15 minutes away and yours are further, make him go.

Unfortunately, you don't get to choose how he behaves. You'd hope that he would, but it would appear that he's been chasing other women throughout your relationship, and he's incredibly unlikely to stop now. You do get to choose how you respond.

I'm so sorry.

The Facebook messages don't help the picture. I am sorry Nargles

Would your friend or mum or dad come and get you if you wanted out for the weekend?

Oh more because I know just how it feels. It does not go away until you have an open honest (and usually long and shouty) conversation and get the truth out, all the truth out. The inappropriate texting needs to stop but first you need to find out why is it him just being a flirt but he has no feelings for her/would he genuinely be with her. (Obviously it's hard practically impossible to get them to admit what the truth is but you have to know to see if it's something you can work past. Even though both reasons are still unacceptable)
I know the sinking, my world is falling out of my arse, I never thought they'd do this, feeling. You can work through it, but trust is so so hard to get back

Just read about the Fb messages, what a cowbag he's a married man?!!! Oh I'm getting myself angry

My mum would yes but DS is in bed and he's only little. And I don't know how to tell her this. H just keeps crying now and saying he "can't forbid his stupidity". Welcome to the fucking club.

Its like he's 2 people - one is lovely, will do anything for anyone, lovely family man, cuddly etc. The other is a grumpy arsehole when he's tired/hungry and apparently does this. I always forgave that side in favour of the nice one before. Now this.

And he stands in front of me crying and promising he'll never fuck up again and all I want is for it to be okay and for DS to have his dad around and for me to not be in a whole heap of shit because of HIS actions :(

*can't forgive, not forbid, sorry

Tell him to come clean now. If he won't tell him to go to his parents house.

Oh Christ

Keeps I'm sorry love. You're not over reacting.

Could you ask him to stay with relatives for the weekend? Or go to your mum's?

I think you should tell your husband to stop his fucking snivelling and that you need him to fuck off for a few nights while you get your head around his betrayal and work out where you intend to go from here.

Tell him if anyone (family - yours or his) asks, you'll be putting them right in the picture about what's going on.

You swept it under the carpet last time, don't do it again this time.

Cancel date night. Tomorrow, take your DS out alone - go shopping, go to the cinema, sit in cafes, take him to a soft play centre, and turn your phone off.

If DS is in bed now, then go and have a long hot shower or a bath. Lock the bathroom door. You need alone time (with us supporting you xxxx )

Take your time and let it all sink in, don't go rushing to forgive him just because he is crying.

If you can then take some time away from him, even if only for the weekend.

Biggest question you will have to answer is if you decide to stick with him - will you ever be able to trust him?

Sorry but DrGoogle his fucking snivelling did make me chuckle, wish I was as strong as you (well as you sound) in arguments.