To not want to go to her birthday anymore?

[toastandbutterandjam]

It was one of my best friends birthdays recently and we are all going out at the weekend to celebrate. She invited me way back before christmas and has recently invited everyone else.

There are about 27 of us going (including me and her). I know nobody else going. We are going for a meal. I asked her where we were going when she invited me and she said she hadn't decided yet. After speaking to the other 25 people, they have decided to go for pizza. My friends know I don't like pizza but I said I will go and have pasta or something similar but she said "there are no pasta meals on the menu, just Pizza. You can order a starter and just eat that." I'm fine with that because it's her birthday, so she can eat where she wants.

I met up with her last week and she said they are going for drinks before and after the meal. I haven't been invited to the pre/post drinks. She said "Oh, can't wait for my birthday,me and (listed other 25 names) are going for pre drinks, will meet you at the restaurant, eat and then me and (listed other 25 names) are going for drinks again after you go home. Don't stay too long will you. When we've eaten the meal, you can go. I'm not coming home with you either because i've planned to stay at (persons) house too, so you're on your own."
I am travelling for two hours to be at her birthday - She lives 2 roads from me (but is having her birthday out somewhere), so I assumed we would go together and travel home together. Me travelling by myself is no problem though.

I feel like such an idiot, travelling for two hours to pay to eat a bowl of potato wedges (or something similar) and then going home again. I will be travelling for four hours in total (two hours each way). I don't drive, so there's no issue with me not being able to drink and I have no reason to be home by a certain time/no kids to look after the next day. I am not one to get drunk anyway, so I probably would have had one or two drinks and then had soft drinks the rest of the evening - she will get drunk so I would have stayed sober so I can help her home etc.

I asked her about it and the friends house she is staying at is literally round the corner from where we both live as well. Her and this friend will both be getting drunk so I said "will you both be okay coming home?" and she went "Yeah, the pre and post drinks are gonna be a right laugh, shame you're not coming, isn't it?"
I am really quite hurt by this (i'm feeling quite sensitive at the moment because i've had lots going on and have been struggling to cope - she is aware of this). She is one of my close friends and some of the people coming to her birthday are not people she really likes, they are coming to keep the numbers up - she has said this to me.
I am thinking about not going. I told her that and she just went "WOW! you ABU. Not coming because I haven't invited you to drinks. How shallow. I didn't invite you because we're all getting hammered and you'll just be sitting there like a loser on your own."

She is one of the few people I felt I could trust and now it feels like she doesn't even like me. I always go out of my way to help her out in any way I can. I'm not hurt over the drinks, i'm hurt because it seems like she doesn't want me there at all.

Am I being overly emotional for no reason?

Oh I'd suggest you just don't turn up on the night and say "Sorry, I just couldn't be bothered when it came to it, it sounded so very dull"

cos it does . . .

for you

Don't go to the party.

You've phoned her once already and her sister picked up the call and you've left a message for her to phone you back.

Please don't phone her again. Don't buy her a present. Don't buy her a birthday card (or if you do, don't write in it yet so it could be used for someone else if needed in the future).

If she phones you back you can explain to her in very clear terms why you're not going to her party. However, if she doesn't phone you, you have your answer in relation to how she sees you as a 'friend'.

You're better off without people like this wench in your life.

I'd be tempted to text her when it's obvious you are not turning up, a really fake excuse.....like, "soooooo sorry, can't make it after all! My boiler light was flickering so I need to keep an eye on it! Don't want a cold house now do I!!" Make it an obvious lie, and something really pathetic so she knows where she lies on your priorities list!!

Ziggy, I get what you're saying. My ex-friend's nastiness seemed to come out of a clear blue sky too, with us being very close beforehand. But the OP will probably find looking back, as I did, that there were very many 'lesser', more covert insults, digs, put-downs, belittlings that I had explained away to myself as me being too sensitive, she didn't/ couldn't have meant it like that etc. Eventually these people feel safe to come right out with the nastiness as you've never called them on it before. They genuinely believe they are better and as such are entitled to say whatever they like. My ex-friend has been very surprised I think that I called time on the whole thing. And is no doubt very hurt, poor lamb, that I want nothing to do with her. As you sow, so will you reap.

I would never have believed she would ever say what she said, but she did say it. My trust in human nature has been shaken and I'd never let a friend in that close again.

She actually listed the 25 names?
She's being deliberately cruel going by a lot of what she's said.
Expect it to be difficult to tell her you're not going and that you're being unreasonable etc. But we're all behind you.

If you do speak to her, tell her the reason you don't want to go has nothing to do with the drinks etc but that you have had a MUCH better offer.

Friendships often don't last forever anyway. Circumstances change, people move on. If she is going to university then she will move on to a new set anyway. I wouldn't worry about the fact your have known her since you were 3. Doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life beholden to her. Develop your own good friends and move on. Don't get embroiled in the politics of who thinks YABU and who doesn't. It's like a bunch of 13 year olds enjoying the drama.

I am angry on your behalf! I don't know why you even tried to ring her, in your position, I would just not go and never speak to her again, block the bitch.

If she would really be hurt by your non-attendance, then she would have made more of an effort to include you.

It sounds to me like she's been a bit blinded by her shiny new friends and is in that stage of life where she's maybe trying on personalities to see which one fits. That doesn't excuse her behaviour. Maybe she's found that the 'heinous bitch' personality suits her best.

Whatever. Leave her to go be obnoxious and see how far it gets her in life.

You sound like a lovely person, even lovlier in that you're considering this person's feelings. It's time to move on now. Lots of people will appreciate you for who you are.

Yep, definitely don't go. See someone else who values your company instead.

I think if pressed, you should point out that you're NOT upset at being excluded from the two drinking sessions that are clearly the whole point of the evening, you're upset that she's gone out of her way to make it absolutely crystal clear to you that you're excluded. Telling someone they can shove off as soon as bill's paid is hardly likely to make them feel like a valued guest! As someone said upthread, she needs a timely life lesson in the consequences of treating old friends like this. You'd be doing her a favour, really, in the long run.

Am I alone in thinking there's something up with the journey to somewhere two hours away just for the sake of going for pizza? I'd be wondering whether the friend was actually going there herself.

I could be being paranoid by proxy, but something seems odd there. Is it worth a phone call to the pizza place to check they have her booking?

Either way, she sounds like a self absorbed arsehole who clearly doesn't want you there.

It's literally unbelievable that a supposed friend would be that nasty.

Most unbelievable of all is that she said "Me and (listed 25 other friends)" that would just sound ridiculous! Most people would just say "Me and the others" surely?!

She's a very odd person 😏

I would suggest not only do you not go to this (I agree with everyone else!) but I think you'd benefit from counselling. You've been through an awful lot lately. It also sounds like you may find it difficult to make and maintain friendships? I'd get some counselling, work on your self-esteem. Then maybe try to find a hobby so you can connect with people with a common interest.

SHe sounds absolutely vile. I wouldn't go and I would cut her off and spend tim with your other friends.

Agree, def don't go. It'd b no skin off your nose OR hers by the sounds of it! She clearly doesn't view u as a good friend. I would b opting out of the whole friendship not just the night out, if I were u.
Wot do u even get out of bein in a friendship with her anyway? Don't b a mug. Ever again!
She sounds incredibly immature, self absorbed and shallow. Let her get on with it!
I'd put money on not all of these 25 friends turnin up anyways. They sound like Facebook Friends to me, I.e not genuine friends in the 1st place.
Cut her out of your life. Friendship should b a 2 way street and I'll bet it's you making all the effort all the time.

Why speak to her. Just send a text - she doesn't deserve politeness.

plainjanine has a point, a 2 hour drive just for pizza seems odd - perhaps she's setting you up and everyone else will have gone elsewhere?

I wouldn't bother going.

It's not just that she doesn't like you, she enjoys being cruel to you. This is an abusive relationship. I watched one of my closest friends put up with shit like this for years, never daring to say anything because it might get back to the other friend and I didn't want to give her any ammo. It gradually got worse over the years, my friend knew she was being used but somehow didn't seem able to stand up to the woman. When my friend finally ditched the bitch she even said she felt like she'd left an abusive relationship. It's been a couple of years now and my friend is so much happier and less stressed.

BTW, from what you've said, I definitely want your hair! Mine's always been straggly and greasy, I have to dye it to strip the oil out or it's just horrible and lank. You don't need make up and hair extensions to be beautiful, you sound gorgeous just as you are.

If you go to this Birthday, you are your own worst enemy.

She is utterly vile and you need to break this "friend" ship faster than Hussain Bolt.

Oh god plainjanine has a point there. If you're not invited to pre or post drinks then that means you have to travel there alone. Which makes it very easy to make up a place miles away to make you travel to, where you will arrive and find none of them are even there.

Also, she could have said they're going there to try and put you off going at all, as she invited you ages ago when you were still in favour and now has changed her mind about wanting you there.

I repeat my original sentiment, fuck her off.

Has she called back OP?