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Original poster

To not want to go to her birthday anymore?

222 replies

toastandbutterandjam · 10/02/2016 10:23

It was one of my best friends birthdays recently and we are all going out at the weekend to celebrate. She invited me way back before christmas and has recently invited everyone else.

There are about 27 of us going (including me and her). I know nobody else going. We are going for a meal. I asked her where we were going when she invited me and she said she hadn't decided yet. After speaking to the other 25 people, they have decided to go for pizza. My friends know I don't like pizza but I said I will go and have pasta or something similar but she said "there are no pasta meals on the menu, just Pizza. You can order a starter and just eat that." I'm fine with that because it's her birthday, so she can eat where she wants.

I met up with her last week and she said they are going for drinks before and after the meal. I haven't been invited to the pre/post drinks. She said "Oh, can't wait for my birthday,me and (listed other 25 names) are going for pre drinks, will meet you at the restaurant, eat and then me and (listed other 25 names) are going for drinks again after you go home. Don't stay too long will you. When we've eaten the meal, you can go. I'm not coming home with you either because i've planned to stay at (persons) house too, so you're on your own."
I am travelling for two hours to be at her birthday - She lives 2 roads from me (but is having her birthday out somewhere), so I assumed we would go together and travel home together. Me travelling by myself is no problem though.

I feel like such an idiot, travelling for two hours to pay to eat a bowl of potato wedges (or something similar) and then going home again. I will be travelling for four hours in total (two hours each way). I don't drive, so there's no issue with me not being able to drink and I have no reason to be home by a certain time/no kids to look after the next day. I am not one to get drunk anyway, so I probably would have had one or two drinks and then had soft drinks the rest of the evening - she will get drunk so I would have stayed sober so I can help her home etc.

I asked her about it and the friends house she is staying at is literally round the corner from where we both live as well. Her and this friend will both be getting drunk so I said "will you both be okay coming home?" and she went "Yeah, the pre and post drinks are gonna be a right laugh, shame you're not coming, isn't it?"
I am really quite hurt by this (i'm feeling quite sensitive at the momentSad because i've had lots going on and have been struggling to cope - she is aware of this). She is one of my close friends and some of the people coming to her birthday are not people she really likes, they are coming to keep the numbers up - she has said this to me.
I am thinking about not going. I told her that and she just went "WOW! you ABU. Not coming because I haven't invited you to drinks. How shallow. I didn't invite you because we're all getting hammered and you'll just be sitting there like a loser on your own."

She is one of the few people I felt I could trust and now it feels like she doesn't even like me. I always go out of my way to help her out in any way I can. I'm not hurt over the drinks, i'm hurt because it seems like she doesn't want me there at all.

Am I being overly emotional for no reason?

OP posts:
roundaboutthetown · 10/02/2016 12:40

Tell her it's all very nice her worrying about you looking like a loser [sarcastic face], but you fail to see how not being allowed to join the pre-meal drinks, not being able to eat pizza with everyone else at the meal and then having to leave afterwards whether you want to or not because she doesn't want you at her after-meal drinks, makes you look any less like a loser.

Mrskeats · 10/02/2016 12:40

What a bitch. She's not a friend so just ditch her and find nicer people to hang out with and block her as people have suggested
You deserve better

AlpacaPicnic · 10/02/2016 12:41

On threads like these, some wise person normally says something which I'm going to paraphrase now (because I can't remember it exactly but the sentiment will be the same)

Don't make someone a priority when they make you an option.

Don't travel a four hour round trip to sit and eat a bowl of potato wedges with someone who doesn't want you there and calls you a loser. Please just don't.

what kind of super fucking special pizza place doesn't do pasta or any other non pizza option anyway?

WeAllHaveWings · 10/02/2016 12:41

Its a bit unbelievable to me that anyone would let an alleged friend speak to them like that. You really need to look at the way you allow people to talk to you as that is so unacceptable. Life too short to have people like that in it as "close" friends.

SoThatHappened · 10/02/2016 12:43

I just wouldn't turn up.

KoriWine · 10/02/2016 12:44

She's an arsehole and definitely not a friend.

JohnLuther · 10/02/2016 12:44

Don't go and don't even bother to tell her, she sounds horrible.

LovelyFriend · 10/02/2016 12:46

sorry OP but she is NOT your friend.

There is no way in hell I'd be going if I were in your position. And I wouldn't call and tell here either - sounds like she will just try and create even more drama about it.

Let this horribly person go.

MeridianB · 10/02/2016 12:46

Agree with others who say you are not missing anything and to move on.

She has behaved appallingly.

It's interesting that you are close friends but you don't know any of the other 23 people going out for her special birthday. I am just wondering if she has invented a new version of herself for this crowd and she doesn't want you blowing her cover?

Sunnybitch · 10/02/2016 12:47

Op just read back what you've written and ask yourself are really that desperate to have her in your life....seriously?

It's a no brainer, ditch the selfish bitch!

Ambroxide · 10/02/2016 12:48

She's not your friend and it's not worth going. Honestly, I am sure you will have many friends in your future but this immature young woman is not one of them.

Naoko · 10/02/2016 12:51

Good god don't go. I've often been the only non drinker among my friends, they'd never dream of not inviting me because of it - let alone saying I'd be 'sitting there like a loser'! Shock Why would you do this to yourself? Spend your trainfare on a takeaway and have a much better night at home. Or go to the pub with other friends who don't treat you like crap.

PovertyPain · 10/02/2016 12:52

I think part if the problem is, OP, that you have been friends with this arsehole for so long, you're blind to her nastiness. I beg she's the alpha in your relationship. Do you usually go along with what she suggests? Now, be honest, don't make excuses to yourself. Do you normally look up to her? She's a fair weather friend OP. Not there for the bad times, unless she's an emotional vampire that gets something out if it. She has now decided she wants 'cool' friends so is quite happy to treat you like shit. Now, the chances are, because your the one that picks her up when she's stuck or looks after her when she's pissed, she will not want to completely drop you, just in case she needs you. Drop her OP and pay no heed to the so called friends that are making excuses for her. You should only be friends with people who make you happy, not those who drag you down. Flowers

Hullygully · 10/02/2016 12:53

Tell her to fuck off.

MNHQ
PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 10/02/2016 12:54

hi there
we're going to move this thread into relationships
thx
mnhq

liz70 · 10/02/2016 12:54

You haven't been "friends" since you were three; no one can really choose whom to be friends with, that young. She's just been happy all these years to have you tag along with her as and when it's suited her, at her beck and call with no concern for how you feel, and no expectation that you would object. That's no friend. Time to gather your self-respect, say cheerie bye and stop being her lap dog. Find something better to do at the weekend and find yourself a better - real - friend.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 10/02/2016 12:54

Just adding another voice of "Dear god do not go". She sounds like a twat of the highest order. I wouldn't even tell her you're not going - just don't turn up.

spankhurst · 10/02/2016 12:56

She's genuinely horrible, and not your friend.

You sound lovely, btw.

ZiggyFartdust · 10/02/2016 12:56

I find it very hard to believe anyone would say the things OP has reported as being said by her friend, who supposedly has never said anything similar before . Unless she has recently had a stroke or brain injury, perhaps.

I refuse to believe anyone talks to anyone like that.

VitaSackvileVest · 10/02/2016 12:58

4 hours by public transport to sit at the end of a table just to eat starter with a bitch and her pals that you are subsidising?

No way!

There's some odd dynamic going on here - she obviously thinks your feelings don't count at all, its more than vibes that she doesn't want you there.

She has moved on to these new friends, maybe its time for you to hang out with nicer folk.

lazymoz · 10/02/2016 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaggerEyes · 10/02/2016 13:02

I hear you op. I am not glamorous, I never wear heels, and I don't like dancing like a slut or snogging strangers . I've had 'friends' pair me off with another frump and avoid us all night because we don't fit the look they want to project as a group. (not saying you're a frump) Then we are suddenly good enough to get taxis sorted and find lost shoes. Fuck em. Fuck em all!!

mix56 · 10/02/2016 13:03

Wow, she is a nasty self entitled vermin.
You have 2 choices,

  1. go to pre meal thing, have a laugh with all the other people (except her) before they get too wasted, go for the meal starter/pud. ( I bet there is pasta ! can you call them/see menu on line ? ) then go home, don't take her a present, but DO have a ball with all the other mutual friends. Make sure they know you haven't been invited to the after party.
  2. Stay at home, avoid 4 hours alone on a train, send text saying, "sorry decided 4 hours alone on the train, half an invite & a portion of potatoes wasn't worth getting off the sofa for." Save money & see people who actually like you.
NotNob · 10/02/2016 13:04

Going on your opening post only, you sound lovely but would be a mug for going. She is not your friend; have some self-respect, ditch her and move on.

GloriousGoosebumps · 10/02/2016 13:06

Thanks for answering my question. You say she has nothing to be jealous about yet she does seem to be competing with you by claiming to have the same illness and to have also lost someone close to her. Is it possible that you are so used to her that you simply haven't noticed that she feels she's in competition with you? Whatever the answer to that question, do not go to this meal and do not buy her a birthday present. She needs to learn that you will not be treated like dirt. You need to ditch this so called friendship today.