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Original poster

To not want to go to her birthday anymore?

222 replies

toastandbutterandjam · 10/02/2016 10:23

It was one of my best friends birthdays recently and we are all going out at the weekend to celebrate. She invited me way back before christmas and has recently invited everyone else.

There are about 27 of us going (including me and her). I know nobody else going. We are going for a meal. I asked her where we were going when she invited me and she said she hadn't decided yet. After speaking to the other 25 people, they have decided to go for pizza. My friends know I don't like pizza but I said I will go and have pasta or something similar but she said "there are no pasta meals on the menu, just Pizza. You can order a starter and just eat that." I'm fine with that because it's her birthday, so she can eat where she wants.

I met up with her last week and she said they are going for drinks before and after the meal. I haven't been invited to the pre/post drinks. She said "Oh, can't wait for my birthday,me and (listed other 25 names) are going for pre drinks, will meet you at the restaurant, eat and then me and (listed other 25 names) are going for drinks again after you go home. Don't stay too long will you. When we've eaten the meal, you can go. I'm not coming home with you either because i've planned to stay at (persons) house too, so you're on your own."
I am travelling for two hours to be at her birthday - She lives 2 roads from me (but is having her birthday out somewhere), so I assumed we would go together and travel home together. Me travelling by myself is no problem though.

I feel like such an idiot, travelling for two hours to pay to eat a bowl of potato wedges (or something similar) and then going home again. I will be travelling for four hours in total (two hours each way). I don't drive, so there's no issue with me not being able to drink and I have no reason to be home by a certain time/no kids to look after the next day. I am not one to get drunk anyway, so I probably would have had one or two drinks and then had soft drinks the rest of the evening - she will get drunk so I would have stayed sober so I can help her home etc.

I asked her about it and the friends house she is staying at is literally round the corner from where we both live as well. Her and this friend will both be getting drunk so I said "will you both be okay coming home?" and she went "Yeah, the pre and post drinks are gonna be a right laugh, shame you're not coming, isn't it?"
I am really quite hurt by this (i'm feeling quite sensitive at the momentSad because i've had lots going on and have been struggling to cope - she is aware of this). She is one of my close friends and some of the people coming to her birthday are not people she really likes, they are coming to keep the numbers up - she has said this to me.
I am thinking about not going. I told her that and she just went "WOW! you ABU. Not coming because I haven't invited you to drinks. How shallow. I didn't invite you because we're all getting hammered and you'll just be sitting there like a loser on your own."

She is one of the few people I felt I could trust and now it feels like she doesn't even like me. I always go out of my way to help her out in any way I can. I'm not hurt over the drinks, i'm hurt because it seems like she doesn't want me there at all.

Am I being overly emotional for no reason?

OP posts:
Abraid2 · 10/02/2016 11:05

Don't bother getting in touch. Just don't turn up.

sheffieldsteeler · 10/02/2016 11:05

Don't stay too long will you. When we've eaten the meal, you can go.

Did she really say this, though? Reeeeeally?

CoraPirbright · 10/02/2016 11:05

I think I will call her now and speak to her - tell her i'm not coming and why!

I think you are doing absolutely the right thing. Let us know how it goes Grin

Also, if she lives very close to you, why on earth is her birthday two hours away? Surely there is somewhere closer? Or does she want to make her birthday into a massive event?

She sounds a bit odd anyway, what with claiming to have the same illness as you and then the same loss of a loved one as you. I mean, it might be true, but it does seem like an odd coincidence.....

StrictlyMumDancing · 10/02/2016 11:05

She is no friend to you. And you know what? That's perfectly fine, people change. Its only a problem if you continue to let her treat you badly. Drop her like she deserves to be.

FWIW I've known a few people who are so desperate to be popular they play the oneupmanship game, as well as the exclude you because she has a new friend game. Sadly those people are more common than you'd think or wish.

Treat yourself to a lovely pampering session and take out instead Flowers

Letustryagain · 10/02/2016 11:08

OP, she is not a friend at all.

I am quite worried though that you're having to come on and ask advice about it when she is so obviously treating you terribly and her comments are very clear in regards what she thinks of you. Did you not think that she was being horrible when she was saying it? If someone had told you that their friend had said those things to them, would you not think it cruel and unkind?

I know that you said that you're feeling sensitive at the moment but even someone with immensely thick skin would realise that someone was a bitch from those awful comments.

I really hope that you're Ok and that you're on the mend from your illness, also sorry for your loss.

This is one loss you won't be sorry for I can promise you that. She is just awful. Let it go and find people who really care about you and your feelings.

Flowers
Waypasttethersend · 10/02/2016 11:08

She's a user, she's not your friend, please please don't let length of time knowing her dictate that you have to stay friends.

Just stop speaking to her.

flumperoo · 10/02/2016 11:08

Is it that you don't drink alcohol? Could that be why you're not invited to the alcohol drinking parts? I'm not saying that makes it ok. She sounds horrible. Just wondering about that.

Clearoutre · 10/02/2016 11:09

She's inviting people she doesn't really like? Given her rudeness I'd pull out & count yourself lucky to have swerved it.

Even if you were willing to put up with her astonishing level of condescension there's bound to be a diva tantrum/bill splitting argument that will spoil the night.

Original poster
toastandbutterandjam · 10/02/2016 11:10

sheffieldsteeler She really did! She said they will take longer to eat than me (obviously, they're having pizza. I am having a starter only) so when they have ALL finished, I can go, because they will be going on somewhere else for their drinks and i'm not invited.

CoraPirbright There are lots of places nearby, but apparently her and everyone else want to go to this specific pizza place, which just happens to be 2 hours away. It is a big event, her 21st!

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 10/02/2016 11:12

Did she explain exactly why she doesn't want you at the drinks? she'll end up with no friends at all.

Ohfourfoxache · 10/02/2016 11:13

I'm quite Sad that you feel that you had to ask if ywbu tbh Sad

You are worth more than this. Trust me Thanks

Original poster
toastandbutterandjam · 10/02/2016 11:13

flumperoo I do drink alcohol, but I wont get myself in a state IYSWIM? I will have one or two drinks and then I will go on and drink soft drinks. One of the people going to the drinks isn't drinking anyway because she's on meds that mean she can't drink!

OP posts:
TheWitTank · 10/02/2016 11:14

If she doesn't ring back then I just wouldn't bother -either trying again or turning up.

Original poster
toastandbutterandjam · 10/02/2016 11:15

Bananalanacake She said

"I didn't invite you because we're all getting hammered and you'll just be sitting there like a loser on your own."

OP posts:
HortonWho · 10/02/2016 11:16

I'm gobsmacked that you had to come on here and ask strangers. It sounds like you've taken her shit and she's treated you appallingly for years and are conditioned to just take it. Otherwise, why on earth would you even question whether such nasty, horrid behaviour is not ok?

no73 · 10/02/2016 11:18

Jesus christ! Don;t give this selfish, nasty bitch any more of your time. She clearly has an issue with her own drinking as she s making a huge point of your not drinking/drinking very little.

Just don't bother with her, she is not a friend.

diddl · 10/02/2016 11:18

God, don't go.

Sounds like my idea of hell.

Pizza & getting pissed-hardly pushing the boat out, is it?

"I didn't invite you because we're all getting hammered and you'll just be sitting there like a loser on your own."

What a bitch!

Original poster
toastandbutterandjam · 10/02/2016 11:19

HortonWho She has never spoken to me like this before, which is why I asked. I like to get an outside perspective sometimes. I have asked other friends (my friends who have met her briefly) and some said IWBU and some said IWNBU.

OP posts:
WonderingAspie · 10/02/2016 11:20

This bitch is NOT your friend. Friends do not call each other losers and purposely leave them out and go on about it in front of them. She clearly has some sort of issue with you, likely jealousy. Why on earth would she say she now has the same illness as you and that someone she knows has died just because someone close to you has died?!

She isn't worth your time if she said these awful things. She sounds about 10 years old, not 21. What a fucking cow!

magicstar1 · 10/02/2016 11:20

She's not your friend...she uses you for lifts etc. but treats you like crap. Dump her!

senua · 10/02/2016 11:26

MN is always so quick to shout LTB.
It sounds as if she wants to get roaring drunk and you're not that sort of person so she thinks you will dampen the mood a bit. Tell her you're not going and suggest something else instead for just the two of you (pref before the w/e so she can't bore you with it).
Don't bin her, just be a bit arm's length until she grows up. You've been friends for 18 years. Do you really want to throw that away?

BeautyQueenFromMars · 10/02/2016 11:27

Wow, she sounds charming! I'm glad you've decided not to go, and I hope she does call back so you can explain exactly why - i.e. she's a cowbag.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/02/2016 11:27

Dear friend

On further consideration having reviewed your invitation to attend part of your forthcoming birthday celebrations, but most explicitly asked to refrain from attending the pre or post meal drinks I have, on balance decided to tell you to go and fuck yourself.

Happy Birthday

Love and kisses
toastandbutterandjam

PhoenixReisling · 10/02/2016 11:28

Nope, she's not your friend.

It reads like she is giving hints big big hints that you are not welcome...that she invited you because she felt she had too.

Life is too short to waste energy on people like this. If she calls you back, just say you aren't going because you can't be bothered to drive for two hours to eat a starter. Wish her a happy birthday and move on with your life. Don't call her, don't text her and if she calls you etc ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

MrsFrisbyMouse · 10/02/2016 11:30

She isn't much of a friend - and you need to try and be more assertive.

She doesn't want you at the pre/post drinks because she views having 'fun' as getting hammered and needs everyone around her to buy into the same mentality.

She's very controlling - and wanting everything on her terms - but is keeping you around because you are kind and useful.

Care more about yourself - you are young and can make new friends who value you and are reciprocal in your friendships.

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