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Original poster

To not want to go to her birthday anymore?

222 replies

toastandbutterandjam · 10/02/2016 10:23

It was one of my best friends birthdays recently and we are all going out at the weekend to celebrate. She invited me way back before christmas and has recently invited everyone else.

There are about 27 of us going (including me and her). I know nobody else going. We are going for a meal. I asked her where we were going when she invited me and she said she hadn't decided yet. After speaking to the other 25 people, they have decided to go for pizza. My friends know I don't like pizza but I said I will go and have pasta or something similar but she said "there are no pasta meals on the menu, just Pizza. You can order a starter and just eat that." I'm fine with that because it's her birthday, so she can eat where she wants.

I met up with her last week and she said they are going for drinks before and after the meal. I haven't been invited to the pre/post drinks. She said "Oh, can't wait for my birthday,me and (listed other 25 names) are going for pre drinks, will meet you at the restaurant, eat and then me and (listed other 25 names) are going for drinks again after you go home. Don't stay too long will you. When we've eaten the meal, you can go. I'm not coming home with you either because i've planned to stay at (persons) house too, so you're on your own."
I am travelling for two hours to be at her birthday - She lives 2 roads from me (but is having her birthday out somewhere), so I assumed we would go together and travel home together. Me travelling by myself is no problem though.

I feel like such an idiot, travelling for two hours to pay to eat a bowl of potato wedges (or something similar) and then going home again. I will be travelling for four hours in total (two hours each way). I don't drive, so there's no issue with me not being able to drink and I have no reason to be home by a certain time/no kids to look after the next day. I am not one to get drunk anyway, so I probably would have had one or two drinks and then had soft drinks the rest of the evening - she will get drunk so I would have stayed sober so I can help her home etc.

I asked her about it and the friends house she is staying at is literally round the corner from where we both live as well. Her and this friend will both be getting drunk so I said "will you both be okay coming home?" and she went "Yeah, the pre and post drinks are gonna be a right laugh, shame you're not coming, isn't it?"
I am really quite hurt by this (i'm feeling quite sensitive at the momentSad because i've had lots going on and have been struggling to cope - she is aware of this). She is one of my close friends and some of the people coming to her birthday are not people she really likes, they are coming to keep the numbers up - she has said this to me.
I am thinking about not going. I told her that and she just went "WOW! you ABU. Not coming because I haven't invited you to drinks. How shallow. I didn't invite you because we're all getting hammered and you'll just be sitting there like a loser on your own."

She is one of the few people I felt I could trust and now it feels like she doesn't even like me. I always go out of my way to help her out in any way I can. I'm not hurt over the drinks, i'm hurt because it seems like she doesn't want me there at all.

Am I being overly emotional for no reason?

OP posts:
Original poster
toastandbutterandjam · 10/02/2016 11:32

senua I did think that at first until she told me there is someone else going to the drinks that isn't drinking at all because of meds they are on. If I was the only one not drinking and she just said "we're all drinking and I don't want you to feel left out" I could understand it, but they're not all drinking.

OP posts:
WeShouldOpenABar · 10/02/2016 11:34

The friends that thought you were being unreasonable did they give a reason because I can't think of a single one , I'd love to hear the thought process

NoSquirrels · 10/02/2016 11:34

She's utterly frightful! You sound lovely, please don't waste any more time and energy on her.

She sounds like she must have all the attention on her at all times, and downright horrible. Going 2 hours away for a pizza and a piss-up is mad behaviour anyway. I certainly wouldn't go for just some potato wedges!

NEVER pick her up from anywhere ever again.

When you have been "friends" since childhood it can be hard, and people do go through odd phases, but it's not OK for her to treat you like shit no matter how long she has known you. Stand up for yourself - you'll feel better for it. Perhaps one day she'll grow up, but until then consider yourself well off out of it.

whatawhoppa · 10/02/2016 11:35

she's not really your friend or she would have included you in the whole part of the celebration and not just the bit she decides you're good enough for. a real friend would have asked you along even if it's not your thing, and given you the option to say no thankyou but you enjoy it. ditch this dog shit of a friend. she might think there are 25 people going, but in reality itll be more like 10. people always bow out with no reason. she's a knob

Filmstar01 · 10/02/2016 11:36

You've been friends forever and she assumes you'll always be there so isn't careful to be respectful and kind to you whilst she's busy on an ego trip. She's feeling good about herself with her job/uni and her big birthday coming up but essentially she is surrounding herself with a large group of people to reinforce how great and popular she is. At least that's how I see it from what you've said. She needs to hear a few home truths I think.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/02/2016 11:36

Drop her like a hot coal.
She's changed, she doesn't like you as a good friend any more, for whatever reason - so I wouldn't waste your time and energy on her "big party", because you're going to hate it.

Maybe she's trying to get in with a cool crowd or something - very juvenile of her - and you don't "fit" with her new friends.

Up to you whether you decide to cut your losses entirely, or stay in the background; but I just wouldn't bother with this party at all.

Original poster
toastandbutterandjam · 10/02/2016 11:36

WeShouldOpenABar The friend that thought IWBU said I was because I am overly sensitive at the moment and she probably didn't mean it in the way it was said. They said they feel she (birthday friend) is very misunderstood and my lack of attendance will be really hurtful to her.

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 10/02/2016 11:38

I have asked other friends (my friends who have met her briefly) and some said IWBU

Unless there is a mighty big drip feed coming, these people are probably not to be relied on either.

NoSquirrels · 10/02/2016 11:40

she probably didn't mean it in the way it was said. They said they feel she (birthday friend) is very misunderstood and my lack of attendance will be really hurtful to her

"I didn't invite you because we're all getting hammered and you'll just be sitting there like a loser on your own."

Um. There is "misunderstood" and there is "crystal fucking clear". I think your other friend may be delusional.

If your lack of attendance is hurtful, then she'll get the message about being kind and respectful, so win-win.

CoraPirbright · 10/02/2016 11:40

They said they feel she (birthday friend) is very misunderstood

She called you a loser!! How can that be "misunderstood"??!! And if she is misunderstood, its time at the grand old age of 21 that she copped onto herself and started to understand she cannot treat people so shabbily.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/02/2016 11:40

I haven't read the other posts yet OP, but I'm angry with your friend on your behalf. She has done everything she can to make you feel uninvolved and unwanted. That's not what a friend does.

On the flipside, you were pulling out all the stops to do what she wanted for her birthday, even at great inconvenience to you.

I think your friendship is really at an end because you're not a doormat and neither should you be. Her lack of consideration for you isn't something that could be easily overlooked and forgiven. I wouldn't.

For you Thanks... nothing for her but Hmm

AliceInUnderpants · 10/02/2016 11:41

She's being very rude. Are you quite a lot older than most of the people attending?

MySordidCakeSecret · 10/02/2016 11:41

tell her to shove it!

RedToothBrush · 10/02/2016 11:42

Dear Friend

I am unable to attend your party as I am too cool for you. I do not wish to be associated with someone who treats others in that manner as it may damage my reputation and self esteem.

I hope you have a great Birthday.

Yours

Toast

PS Would you like to come to my Birthday Party? We are going for a curry. You would be most welcome.

She 21 and very, very insecure about herself (The stuff about 'copying you' isn't competitive. Its insecurity and desperation to fit it).

Once this bunch of friends she currently have move on for whatever reason, she'll be back to cosying up with you, as you are the stable safe one she can rely on. She's embarrassed by you and wants to impress her new mates.

She invited you, because she felt obliged to, as well as the fact that she knows she can dump on you when it gets tough. She will never do the same for you though as she's too preoccupied on her own life.

She will grow out of it. Eventually. But why should it be at your expense?

Original poster
toastandbutterandjam · 10/02/2016 11:42

ThumbWitchesAbroad I don't fit with her new friends, I have seen pictures of them and when she describes them, I know I would look out of place (if that makes sense).
They are all into hair extensions, make up etc. They're all very beautiful, whilst i'm sat here still waiting to get braces fitted to straighten out my teeth. I don't wear make up often and my hair is naturally very long anyway so I look quite "plain" compared to them, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 10/02/2016 11:44

This person is not your friend.

I'm awaiting some more astonishingly self-centred rudeness from her when you tell her where to shove her half-hearted invitation.

BlueBlueBelles · 10/02/2016 11:44

Please don't put yourself down. And please don't go. Best thing I ever did was learn to say no when people treated me as a doormat. She's only keeping you as a back up, as a 5am rescuer. Ditch her.

Headmelt · 10/02/2016 11:44

You're having a lucky escape. Your friend is very immature and odd. Play her game. I would gush about how much you are looking forward to going. Then I would get the v & d bug the night before and not be able to go. Of course, I would be gutted toissue out on such a great time but I wouldn't want to risk giving it to her and her precious friends WinkGrin

Original poster
toastandbutterandjam · 10/02/2016 11:44

AliceInUnderpants No, we're all around the same age. There are people older than me attending

OP posts:
ButEmilylovedhim · 10/02/2016 11:46

Oh OP! I recently had a friend treat me in a similar way that clearly said ' I hold you in contempt and feel I can say whatever to you and you will take it and be grateful for any scraps I throw your way' I was completely shell shocked and was actually nice to her straight afterwards and even wished her a happy birthday a few days later (by text, no present or card, even I'm not that wet!) It took a few weeks to sink in what she had done and what it all meant. It was all so far from my experience, people are good and kind to each other in my world.

I really wanted to come on here to gauge opinion and find out if it was as bad as I thought but was frightened she would see it so I can understand why you've come on here, even though it's so very clear to us.

Please cut her out now. This person is not a friend, a complete stranger would be kinder. She's shown her true, true colours as an out and out bitch and she isn't worthy to be in contact with someone as nice as you. Do not go to the meal, do not buy a present or a card or send a text message wishing her a happy birthday. Treat as if she doesn't exist to you now. Of course, when she thinks you're getting away she might try to reel you in again so she can do the same again or when she needs a favour. Ignore and if she keeps going block her. Unfriend on social media. You'll feel so much better when you haven't got this hideous person bringing you down.

Remember this and I really think this is something to live by: When someone tells you who they are, listen to them Best of luck. Lovely friends are waiting for you.

lamiashiro · 10/02/2016 11:47

Holy fuck.

I wouldn't entertain going to her party for a single second. Nor would I continue to be friends with her.

Honestly, OP, I could not keep any self-respect if I went to her party after that. You would look like a total doormat.

StrictlyMumDancing · 10/02/2016 11:51

my lack of attendance will be really hurtful to her

Yet she doesn't give a shiny shit whether she's hurtful to you. At 21 she definitely needs a lesson in how to treat people decently.

MooPointCowsOpinion · 10/02/2016 11:53

I agree with everything said, especially telling her to go fuck herself. She thinks she's better than you, that you're her lap dog, and you'll come running when called and are just as easily sent away again.

Just don't go. Don't answer texts/calls/summons. Just pretend she's invisible. It's basically what she's doing to you, but without the unkind words.

expatinscotland · 10/02/2016 11:57

There is no fucking way I'd go or ever contact this silly bitch again. NO friend at all. I wouldn't bother telling her I wasn't going. I'd just no show. And by that point have completely blocked her from my life - on my phone, media accounts, email accounts, etc.

Fuck her off, she's not worth a second of your time.

Penguito · 10/02/2016 11:58

She's a horrible bitch. She wants to impress these new friends who are into their hair extensions and pouting selfies no doubt. Ditch her

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