Husband photographing me while asleep

[Lollyz02]

Ok I have seen this posted here before so I thought there may be some useful tips out there for me.
I have been with my husband for over 13 years. For as long as I can remember he has always had a high sex drive. Caught him looking at porn a few times and constantly saying we don't do it enough. About a year ago he took photos of me while I was sleeping. My breasts and my downstairs area. He also touched me down there and masturbated. I pretended out of shock to stay asleep for most of it. I "woke up" eventually and confronted him and he was very apologetic. Saying he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah. Since then it has happened a few more times. I have got mad at him over and over again but he is always so down and apologetic I always let it go. Over the last 6 months I have had an increase in my sex drive (I went off contraceptives for medical reasons, we are using condoms). So we have been having sex more often and being a bit more adventurous. The other night he did it again! This time videoing me! Also I noticed he joined up a website looking for a threesome! I thought once we were having sex more often these tendencies would end :(

Can you stop piling on the OP because she won't LTB?

Mumsnet is meant to be supportive and this thread doesn't seem that way.

I hope at the very least he's sleeping in a separate room and you've put a lock on the bedroom door? PLEASE tell us you've done that?

I told my dh about this thread last night, after he'd closed his shocked mouth he asked "is he posting the pictures and videos online?"

This frightens me.

I know that when I was raped by a previous partner I minimized that, didn't want to see him for what he was, see the rape for what it was, see me as being the victim I was.

So many women stay in the relationship.

Everything in me is screaming at you to LTB and not understand why you'd stay, but then, I stayed too

Where are the videos and photos? How are you going to keep yourself safe from him?

He's been caught once before, knew what he was doing and still carried on doing it. He feels entitled to your body and gets off on your lack of consent and doing this secretly. That makes him dangerous, no matter how 'nice' you might think him 'apart from this'.

Please please please rethink things. I wish I'd seen my previous relationship for what it was rather than minimising and continuing to be in the position of a victim.

This is awful 😟

Oh op I knew you would make allowances for this man.
Please get some counseling for yourself.
Can I ask why you think a bit of counseling for this sexual deviant will work.
Please get some advice on what you are entitled to in your state.
This man will not change its in him.
You really need help and to talk to someone about this..
I don't know how old you are but if you were my daughter I would come and take you and your children away.

OP what will you do when he does this again?

Start planning your exit now. Be strong, be brave and be ready.

I know everyone on here was hoping for a different outcome. Also I know there is a lot of women on here that genuinely care.
At this point in time I still love him very much. I know you say I should not believe him but after 11 years of marriage I can truly say that I believe him. The counseling session is a couple one. I will be telling the person everything. I won't give him the chance to get in with any pity stories. If he/she thinks I should get out I will. Even though I am mad at him, I love him more.

Do you love yourself OP?

Oh God! How disgusting. Make sure you sleep in a locked room for the foreseeable. Well into his counselling anyways.

Where are the pictures and vids he´s taken? You need to demand them and delete them. Has he put them online? I would be very fearful that millions of people online have viewed him sexually abusing you! It´s warped, sick and it is abuse.

It´s the fact that you are not consenting that turns him on! That is where he gets his thrills. Maybe he´s emulating some weird fantasy story-line he´s seen on some porno.

It´s highly disturbing that he actually thinks viewing and treating you like an object, a piece of meat is actually OK! Did you say that he´s admitted he´s got a problem? Or is he just agreeing to the counselling to keep you happy but has no plan to stop at all?

If I were you ( well, obv I´d kick his disgusting arse out if I was you! ), and I was gonna stay in the relationship, I´d sleep in the same room as the kids and put a bolt on the door. Not even a lock cos he could pick that potentially. JUst a basic bolt that you can fit yourself.

But I fail to see how this is not gonna taint every other aspect of your relationship. I mean, what do you do, put on a charade of ¨Happy Families¨ until it´s bedtime? All the while knowing what´s going through his head? I know I couldn´t even love somebody who saw fit to do this to me, knowing that´s all they thought of me......

I wonder if he´s done this to his ex too....He sounds creepy as fuck! And who wants to be in a relationship with a creep? This would be a major deal-breaker for me personally.

But please sleep behind a locked door with the kids. And I would never drink alcohol around him either......To my eyes, he´s abused not just your body, but your trust on ALL levels.

Have you confided in anyone in real life?

He has deleted all the photos and videos. Also I have looked at browser history, emails and messages yesterday. There is nothing other than the threesome ad site. I looked on his phone, laptop, work laptop and my computer. I really don't think he has shared them. They have been deleted and deleted from his trash.
Also I was his first ever GF. I was his first sexual partner.
I have not told anyone in real life.

I know he would never touch the children to say that shows that it has crossed your mind and I find that alarming...to me it says that you really don't know what he is capable of.

So you'll leave if a Councillor tells you to? Why do you need someone else , who you don't know, to tell you what to do?

Your DH has you exactly where he wants you, doesn't he?

So what are you going to do tonight? What´s the arrangements for this coming bedtime? It´s not far off is it?

I wouldn´t be able to sleep......

You need to get out now!
It's great that he's agreed to counselling, it won't do any good and he/she won't tell you to get out.
What are the laws for counsellors like in Australia??? Do they have an obligation to report anyone who poses as a threat to you or your children? Because he does pose a huge threat and always will while you agree to give it another go.

OP, we get that you love him. Glad he has deleted things and shown internet history.

What else is he doing? Offering to sleep in another room? Offering to give you his camera and smart phone at night?

Please think about your own boundaries and what you will do if he breaks your trust again, as he has done repeatedly before.

"If he/she thinks I should get out I will. "
that's not how counselling works lolly.
counselling is about helping you to see the way forward and for you to make your decisions.

by asking the right questions and giving you new insights into yourself, you can make decisions.
a good counsellor wont be saying "i think you should do xxx"

but, they might say, what would happen if...
how do you feel about...

do go in with a written note of everything you need to see including spelling out what he has done as in your op.

i think you need to see counsellor on your own. please try and arrange this so you can be free to be honest about your conflicted feelings.

but i can see you want to work on this together.
please be aware tho that he may deny/ignore/explain away things.

and remember the cycle of abuse - nasty-nice-apologies-flowers-nasty etc . bullies and abusive people are not like that all the time. it's how they work. you need to see that.

I just want to say that if you need to come back again in the future, please do. Don't feel that you can't. Support is always here.

I don't know how many times I started threads then thought we could fix things. But whenever I started a new thread, I was always listened to and offered a shoulder and an ear.

It's your life and you are in control of your decisions. There is always a choice, and you are always entitled to change your mind.

I very much hope that you are ok.

If he had uploaded things he would have used a private browser, which would leave no evidence for you to find. I hope he hasn't. If you still have any identifiable photos I understand you could do an image search.

Good luck and I hope things improve for you. If they don't, then please come back

he has deleted everything so he can totally deny it ever happened.
he can tell counsellor but i didnt do this check my phone and my computer! lolly doesnt know what she is talking about! she just looked so beautiful when she was sleeping and i love her so much ...

did you keep screen shot or evidence?
he will know to be more careful now, storing videos elsewhere etc. dont be naive about this

OP it's so so easy for us all to knock you for your decision.
But we are NOT living your life. We do not know what else happens, i.e. all the good stuff.
I really hope you get what you need from the counselling sessions and I sincerely hope your 'D'H gets some realisation and stops all this.
Good luck and don't forget we are here if you need more support in the future.
I really hope you don't though.

I personally think, if he is your 1st partner/serious relationship ( I´m not sure if that is correct? ) then you have no basis for comparison. So boundaries are a bit more blurred and you are more likely to be manipulated by the BS he spouts.

I now the ¨ listen to your gut instinct¨ line gets thrown about a lot, but in this instance it´s very appropriate. Just see how it goes with the counselling and protecting yourself immediately, if you´re wanting to give him a 2nd chance, but at all times listen to your intuition. Don´t be influenced by him or anyone else.

By all means give him a 2nd chance, but just the one! Make him aware that if he crosses the line of what is acceptable/legal again, then you will leave. An ultimatum that you will follow through on is the only way.

And I´m glad the counselling is for both of you. I hope it helps and does the trick.

But when does it start? What about until then? You have to set your boundaries, let him know and if he crosses the line be prepared to get out. He has to know you´re serious as Hell too. best of luck with it all

You can't know he won't touch the kids as prior to this you wouldn't have believed he was a sexual predator and you'd be his victim.

I've been to counselling for myself. Counsellors don't make judgements on your behalf so please don't use a counsellors non-judgement as validation that you are right to stay in a vulnerable position.

I wish I could go back and give myself a big wake up call from back then.

Please at least read up on the common reactions and minimization of those raped or sexually abused and try to recognise it in yourself. It's so common, those that haven't experienced it don't understand, those of us you have experienced it still don't fully understand.

You need to look at him with a sense of disbelief to keep yourself safe. You need to make him prove himself rather than giving him the benefit of the doubt AGAIN and continue to be a victim of sexual abuse.

Imagine as daughter was going through this. You'd want to hurt her husband and get her away from him. Why aren't you thinking this about yourself yet? It'll come one day, it's a process. I understand that no matter now frustrating it is to read. Us victims all hope you'll be more capable than we were at seeing your situation for what it really is

You were threatening to leave him op and he said sorry and that he would go to counselling.

He hasn't admitted he has a serious problem, he hasn't explained why he feels justified in repeatedly sexually assaulting you, he hasn't explained why he considers your body is his to do what he wants with despite your objections.

If you leave him you remove your physical self from him and his fetish has no outlet.

Perhaps that was what he was Upset about? Bet he's sorry at the thought of you going. Perhaps his access to you at night is what he is protecting.?

Did he suggest separate counselling for you to help you come to terms with the abuse you have suffered at the hands of your trusted husband? No? Ask yourself why not?

With regards to escalation, I would now be worried about being drugged as the next stage. Then you really won't remember what happens.

I really hope you are now safe and ok op and this all works out for you. But you really do need to look at what is actually going on. Sometimes we must put our head in charge to do the right things for ourself and our family. We cannot always trust our "hearts" especially when the going gets tough.

Perhaps his access to you at night is what he is protecting.?

Great insight there

He's sorry you are objecting, he's sorry he's been given a slap on the hand but I'm not convinced he believes he's done anything wrong to you. He feels entitled to do this to you.