Husband photographing me while asleep

[Lollyz02]

Ok I have seen this posted here before so I thought there may be some useful tips out there for me.
I have been with my husband for over 13 years. For as long as I can remember he has always had a high sex drive. Caught him looking at porn a few times and constantly saying we don't do it enough. About a year ago he took photos of me while I was sleeping. My breasts and my downstairs area. He also touched me down there and masturbated. I pretended out of shock to stay asleep for most of it. I "woke up" eventually and confronted him and he was very apologetic. Saying he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah. Since then it has happened a few more times. I have got mad at him over and over again but he is always so down and apologetic I always let it go. Over the last 6 months I have had an increase in my sex drive (I went off contraceptives for medical reasons, we are using condoms). So we have been having sex more often and being a bit more adventurous. The other night he did it again! This time videoing me! Also I noticed he joined up a website looking for a threesome! I thought once we were having sex more often these tendencies would end :(

I've no doubt he is a lovely chap in every other way, but his sexual interest is taking over to the extent that what he's doing to the person he should love and respect most is taking over. You are not willing consenting to photos being taken and can't be sure he isn't posting them all over the place. You've tried having more sex with him, but it's not really working is it?

I'm sure you're reluctant, but if you intend to stay with your husband, I'd certainly check out where you stand legally and what your rights are. For now, do you have another room you could sleep in (and a lock placed on the door)? Your husband will have to accept this.

Listen, if he did this with your consent then ok.

The thing is, he hasn't had your consent, even when you have told him that you don't like it/agree with it, he ignores you and carries on anyway. IMO, him then taking photos/filming you is the most disturbing part.

Yes, he may not hit you and he well may be nice....but this is sexual abuse.....which is a crime.

May be ring WA for advice?

Lolly did your 'h' remind you of your comfortable lifestyle when you raised your objections with him?

I wonder if there is an element of him trying to turn this back on you, that YOU would break up the happy family, YOU would lose the nice house, if YOU are unreasonable and don't let him abuse you whenever he wants to.

Of course you are going to be sad, if not devastated, that the man you believed to be the love of your life is actually a vile abuser.

I totally get the need to think everything through, after all your marriage, your stability, your life as you knew it no longer exists. The risk with this though is that you will eventually find ways to justify his abuse.

Do you have Womens Aid (or an equivalent) in Oz? They would certainly assure you that you are not overreacting and be able to advise you on what you need to do to keep you and the Dc safe.

"If they're asleep, they don't want tea. Don't pour the tea down their throat"

I strongly suggest you get in contact with a sex therapist ( might even be a sex therapist counselling line ) and tell your husband that you need to go to speak to one, about these issues. As you said he is very highly sexed and seems to be bored looking for different sexual things to try. This could be a result of a porn addiction as well. As long as you are both willing to seek out an expert in this kind of thing for counselling, there is still hope of saving your marriage. After all, his behaviour hasn't been like this for the entire marriage. So don't give up hope!

"I'm wondering whether he is genuinely confused about your consent or otherwise?"

Given the OP has already told him she doesn't like it and wants him to stop it the answer to that is probably "No, he isn't confused."

Warning: this is going to get quite all-caps shouty.

babylove This isn't the OP's husband approaching her and saying "Um, I think I have a sleep sex fetish ... would you be willing for me to play with your naked body while you're asleep?" and OP going "Ew, no, pervert!" and refusing sex for a year.

He is NOT "highly sexed", he is a BLOKE, who thinks the world revolves around his PENIS, therefore he can do whatever the fuck he likes to get off. He is using the "I have a high sex drive" to bully OP into having sex with him more, which still hasn't curbed his ABUSE.

He has already MASSIVELY broken her trust on SEVERAL occasions by performing his fetish on HER BODY WITHOUT HER CONSENT. He is probably passing photos and videos of the OP around the internet so he can show off and give other men material for the wank bank. HE HAS ABUSED HER and continued to do so even when she TOLD HIM she DIDN'T WANT IT.

FFS, it's shocking to me how women like you are prepared to give shitty "advice" like this, encouraging women to put up with abuse to "save their marriage".

It's morally abhorrent to abuse the trust of your partner by abusing them in their sleep.

That's not a sex issue, that's a total disregard of the human - of their consent, their agency, their trust, their privacy, their well being, their safety, their fears. It demonstrates a lack of respect, care, empathy, compassion.

Sex therapist - fuck that, I call bullshit.

Jesus. I have a stupidly high sex drive. I have managed to get into my late
30s without ever sexually abusing anyone because, you know, it's rank and horrible. And I once went 9 years without sex.

It's not about sex drive. It's about doing stuff to someone who doesn't consent and getting off on it.

OP - I hope you're ok. You sound like a nice person who doesn't want to believe they are married to someone not very nice at all. But you are, and that's not good for you. I hope you will feel you deserve more and that you can get out.

What dollar said ^^.

I'm feeling sick reading this; it's sexual abuse and probably likely he's sharing on line otherwise why would he film you?
I wouldn't trust him an inch, and that goes for him being near your children too - has he been filming them too? When else does he film you without you knowing?
Ugh, makes my skin crawl.

OP I would NOT be locking myself in a room at night... what happens if he starts on your DC instead? You say he'd never touch them but how can you be sure? Quite simply you can't!! You never thought he'd abuse you
You and your DC MUST get away from this man ASAP, then you can work out what to do go to the police
for you

He is sexually abusing you. He is waiting until you are completely vulnerable, then abusing you, because he gets off on the control. You do not have to live with this.

That's not a sex issue, that's a total disregard of the human - of their consent, their agency, their trust, their privacy, their well being, their safety, their fears. It demonstrates a lack of respect, care, empathy, compassion.

I agree with this statement from KondosSecretJunkRoom completely

this is very sad op i hope you're ok, or ok as ou can be considering. Where are the images? videos? if it was me my priority ither than leaving this man would be to make sure images of my body were not in his posession!

What can he say that will make this ok? You are not safe. When you said you stayed still at first (before "waking up") what you were doing is freezing. That's what people do when something traumatic is happening to them. It's a coping mechanism and totally normal as a reaction to something THREATENING.

You're hoping that he shows huge remorse and promises never to do it again. He might show and say that. BUT you have no idea for how long he'll stop, so you won't feel totally safe in your bed, because part of you will be alert, waiting.

Please think that every time he touched/es you in this way that he's punching you hard. And photographing your bruises. And filming you as he's punching you.

Any decision you make about your relationship is as a direct result of him. You are not going to break up your family, because by making his wife and the mother of his children intrinsically unsafe, he's already done it. You can try to hold it together - and pretend to hold yourself together - with glue, but you risk destroying yourself in the process.

If he wants your marriage to work and his children to live with two parents he will leave the house and seek proper, intense therapy and not even consider moving back in until a) he knows it's resolved and most crucially b) you can trust him 110%. It's up to him to save your relationship, not you. And you, of course, never have to accept him back, regardless of how much effort he puts in.

I remember your old threads. I can't believe you're still with this twat.

He is not normal.

He needs to be on the sex offenders register.

Has he uploaded any of the pictures or videos OP?
Gah. Awful.

You really need to trace this footage, I'd be very surprised if he's not posting it online. Sharing it with other men is part of the kicks.

OP it's so easy for us to sit behind a screen and tell you to LTB
It's far far harder when you are in the situation of a generally happy family life, living with your DH who you love and your kids who you love even more. I honestly can't even begin to imagine how you register what you are going through.
I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do.
If you were in the UK I would suggest calling rape crisis.
Do you have something similar over there?
If so, then do give them a call and see if they can offer you some counselling.
It will take a while for this to really sink in for you and you will need some support when it does.
for you.

I'm sorry he's doing this to you. It's criminal behaviour and as others have said it will escalate. My exh used to do this to me. He was also into other stuff that was also criminal. I understand you don't want to go to the police at the moment , but a chat with someone like women's aid will be helpful for you.

Get him out of your bedroom , at a minimum. Your not safe.

As you're in Australia this is the organisation you can contact for support - check out the website and call the helpline: www.1800respect.org.au

Please call the Australia based helpline that Anotheremma has suggested, you need professional help and NOW.

Your "kind loving" H is anything but kind and loving. People can portray all sorts of images to those in the outside world; you are really seeing his true nature behind closed doors. Abusive people can be very much plausible to those on the outside.

Talking to him (again) about this is a waste of time. You've already tried that and it has not worked. This is all about him wanting absolute power and control over you.

Here's the thing though - he's not abusing you when you're asleep. He's abusing you when you pretend to be asleep. The fact that you do not recoil in horror, suggests to me, that you are very afraid to admit that you are awake. To me, this signals that a deeper level of abuse is going on.

I don't think it's normal to engage in sexual behaviour with a person who isn't aware of it. If you're not aware, you can't consent.

An ex of mine did similar. We had been out drinking and I was pretty drunk and zonked out. When I got up in the morning and went to the bathroom, he asked when I came back if I saw the tissue in my knickers. I said no, I had no idea what had gone on. He said that he had had sex with me while I was asleep and put the tissue there to catch whatever he deposited. At the time, weirdly I didn't think much of it. But since, it bothers me when I think of it. It's rape pretty much whether he was my boyfriend or not. I did not consent, I had no recollection of anything. I'm not sure what sort of person would want sex with a lifeless body. Sick!