Husband photographing me while asleep

[Lollyz02]

Ok I have seen this posted here before so I thought there may be some useful tips out there for me.
I have been with my husband for over 13 years. For as long as I can remember he has always had a high sex drive. Caught him looking at porn a few times and constantly saying we don't do it enough. About a year ago he took photos of me while I was sleeping. My breasts and my downstairs area. He also touched me down there and masturbated. I pretended out of shock to stay asleep for most of it. I "woke up" eventually and confronted him and he was very apologetic. Saying he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah. Since then it has happened a few more times. I have got mad at him over and over again but he is always so down and apologetic I always let it go. Over the last 6 months I have had an increase in my sex drive (I went off contraceptives for medical reasons, we are using condoms). So we have been having sex more often and being a bit more adventurous. The other night he did it again! This time videoing me! Also I noticed he joined up a website looking for a threesome! I thought once we were having sex more often these tendencies would end :(

It's not "rape pretty much". I'm afraid it's rape.

And some men want a fuck receptacle, not a sexual partner.

I'm sorry but can someone explain to me how it is rape where no penetration takes place? If this is actually rape then I've also been raped, and I believe what happened to me was more like sexual abuse than actual rape.

Not trying to minimise what has happened to the OP, it's truly awful, I'm just after some technical clarification if that makes sense.

Oh, sorry, you were talking to the PP, not the OP.

My apologies.

What he is doing is illegal in this country, I imagine the same is true in Aus. He will be prosecuted and a potential jail sentence and put on a sex offenders register should you take this any further.

He needs to understand this! You do not welcome these acts and he has to respect that and STOP!

You say in all other aspects he is nice and caring but he has no respect for you.

Sorry to say this but you don't seem to have any respect for yourself as you are allowing him to continue even though you have voiced your disgust.

he's on a website looking for a 3rd wheel. Maybe you'll wake up and it wont just be him interfering with you in the night. His personal boundaries are changing as he wants/needs more and different sexual thrills. where will it end? In grief and violation for you and upset for your dcc. Maybe counselling can help?

Sometimes I can't believe the stuff I read on here. I would have him arrested.

I had something similar with my EX husband - filmed me without my knowledge or permission and shared it with at least one of his friends, I say one because that's the only one I know about.

Everyone said what a lovely, generous and lovely man he was, the reality was that not only was he a pervert he was also a controlling adulterer. Anyway... Good riddance! Lol

So do consider if he could be sharing this with others online or in person.

It doesn't really matter what everyone else thinks of him it's what you think of him that matters. He has grossly broken your trust here.

Hey Op I am sure in Australia they have very generous benefits maybe its time to check all this out.

While you are asleep he is looking at some serious porn and then starting on you when aroused. You pretend to sleep while allowing him to get his thrills from you.Where do you think these sexual deviants start.
Its started with you and wont end with you.
He talking about bringing someone into your home where your children will be.
How can you protect them if you don't protect yourself.
He is causing so much hurt and destruction around your family unit and he is still set to unleash more.
And are you willing to compromise your sexual health while you may be used by another man.
How far are you now willing to stay where you are because he supports you.
You know health is more important than money.
And if you think hes such a great man, look at Bill Cosby he loves to drug woman while getting his thrills too.

OP, what a frightening situation you're in . He's raping and abusing you, and your lack of consent is a turn-on for him.

Please, please listen to the pps who are telling you this won't be the extent of his behaviour.

This man is dangerous, I'm so sorry.

No amount of money, or your shared history, or everything else about your marriage is worth this.

His repeated abuse is not the actions of a man who loves you. Your repeated abuse and denial of yourself for putting up with it is not the action of someone with a healthy level of self-worth.

This is poisonous behaviour at the core of your life - at least as damaging as being 'hit'.

Regardless of his response tonight, please reach out to a professional asap. Please.

Update: so I spoke with him last night. And again this morning. It has been a rough night. Lots of tears. Even some shouting (on my part). I was all set to leaveh. Told him to go sleep elsewhere till we figure out something more permanent. By this afternoon I had changed my mind. I don't want us to be apart. He is so apologetic and has said he will get counseling which we organised an hour ago. I don't know if this is the right thing to do. I can only follow my heart. :/

Yes follow your heart, it's worked so well before.

Not really sure why you posted, were you hoping someone would say your husband wasn't an abuser?

Of course he is apologetic. It means he would have to go through a whole process of finding another woman to live with and rape. This way, he still has access to you at night. Win - win.

Huge mistake. I expect you will find out the hard way though.

Did he offer to tell you who he has sent the videos too ?

*to

I can appreciate you feel conflicted- relationships with men like this one are rarely straightforward... If he was a bastard by day who was making dirty photos and videos of you while you were dead to the worlds it'd probably be a lot clearer in your mind that what he's doing is illegal, and that he is a dangerous, subversive person.

Are you able to fill the counsellor in on what he's been doing at the first session, so he doesn't go in there and fabricate some bullshit about being a sex addict? He's engaging in criminal acts, and you are his victim - I know that must be a very tough truth to accept, particularly if he's maintaining the veneer of Mr. Average the rest of the time.

There's always the risk now he's been called on it that the compulsion to do what he's been doing has to be more well hidden and he starts on other people. He's getting off on what he's doing for exactly the same reasons paedophiles and rapists do. There is no way I would have a man like this around my children.

Let's just hope he doesn't start taking photos of your children...

He was apologetic before wasn't he?.

He remains a real danger to you.

I think you need to listen more to your head rather than your heart. You have made a huge error of judgment here.

Of course he cried.....he's been caught!

Expect him to lie low for a while and gradually he'll begin again, pushing boundaries sexually and getting kicks from raping you/filming you.

AF, is right did he tell you exactly what he had done with the videos and photographs?

If it were me, I would ask him to leave.

If he truly loved you he would not have done this in the first instance. If he truly loved you, he would of stopped when you initially spoke to him about it. If he truly loved you he would never, ever have filmed you.

Urgh, this is awful. I'm glad you have spoken about it and I hope counselling helps, though I am not sure a counsellor telling him what you've already told him will help.

Just as a bit of context - my husband is a dreadful sleep walker/talker. He does all sorts in the night - shouting, getting up, trying to protect me from invisible intruders, etc. Once he punched me because he thought I was the intruder and a couple of times he's rubbed up against me in a kind of 'let's get it on' way. I don't mean sexual touching even, just a very close cuddle! Every time this has happened I've moved away or told him to stop, or not responded, and he - remembering he is ASLEEP - has not carried on. He never wakes up when these things happen and sometimes doesn't remember when I tell him. He has also been upset and apologetic the next day even though he didn't cross a line.

Contrast this to your husband - his actions and his response.

If not now, when, OP? What would make you say "enough"?

I read your OP and felt physically sick, had to stop shaking to post this. A friend and I had someone touch us in our sleep as young teens at a sleepover, we both woke up during and pretended to still be asleep (so I can totally understand that reaction).

However, I can't understand wanting to be in a relationship with this man (you're not thinking straight, as if you were you would LTB in a heartbeat). He is abusing you. He's been caught before and hasn't stopped. If you aren't going to leave this man, at least sleep in a locked room away from him, and don't accept any food or drink from him, please.

You sound like me, many moons ago, op.

So here is the bad news. He knows. He knows you don't consent.

I was so desperate to find the magic words that would get through to him. If only I could say it in the right way, then my kind, caring husband would see hear he was doing.

Because although he cried and was sorry, he carried on, so I thought, "He just doesn't really get it."

And every time we talked it felt like a breakthrough, and I'd give him another chance.

But here's the truth. He gets it. He's not stupid. He's heard that you don't consent and (this is important) he's doing it anyway

That's all you need to know.

With hindsight xh was not good or nice or kind or a great father. And he really had no respect for me at all.

Life without him is great in so many ways. This is not something you have to compromise on. My dh now is kind and nice and lovely and he respects my boundaries.

Good men exist. Your H isn't one of them.

There are no magic words to convince him :(

This is awful, how many times has he been 'so apologetic' only to go on and do the same again? If a friend were going through this what would you say them?

I hope the counselling works out but I personally wouldn't be hanging around to find out. He is abusing you and will continue to do so as long as you keep hanging around.

In your shoes I would be in a separate bedroom with a massive lock on the inside.