Husband photographing me while asleep

[Lollyz02]

Ok I have seen this posted here before so I thought there may be some useful tips out there for me.
I have been with my husband for over 13 years. For as long as I can remember he has always had a high sex drive. Caught him looking at porn a few times and constantly saying we don't do it enough. About a year ago he took photos of me while I was sleeping. My breasts and my downstairs area. He also touched me down there and masturbated. I pretended out of shock to stay asleep for most of it. I "woke up" eventually and confronted him and he was very apologetic. Saying he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah. Since then it has happened a few more times. I have got mad at him over and over again but he is always so down and apologetic I always let it go. Over the last 6 months I have had an increase in my sex drive (I went off contraceptives for medical reasons, we are using condoms). So we have been having sex more often and being a bit more adventurous. The other night he did it again! This time videoing me! Also I noticed he joined up a website looking for a threesome! I thought once we were having sex more often these tendencies would end :(

Chris is right. Keep posting whenever you need to.

And make sure you use the words "repeated sexual assaults" in your counselling sessions.

OP, I'm very disappointed to read your updates. As Lovely asks, has he explained why he does it? Why he feels entitled to do it? Why he does it even though you don't consent? How can you be certain he didn't share the images / videos and then delete the evidence?

I know you say I should not believe him but after 11 years of marriage I can truly say that I believe him.
This statement makes absolutely no sense to me. After 11 years of marriage, did you think that he would be doing this sort of thing to you? This is the second time you've been absolutely rock-solid sure of something in your marriage ("he would never touch the kids"), as though because you've lived with him for a length of time you can predict his actions. But you never answered me when I asked if you predicted his abuse before the first time. I'm guessing you didn't, but I'm guessing you were "sure" you knew him then too.

You are incredibly reluctant to face the fact that you don't really know this man at all. How many serial killers had unsuspecting wives? (Or wives who maybe had an inkling, but buried their head in the sand?)

I find it odd that you will trust a counsellor who tells you to leave, but you won't trust the tens of posters on this thread, many who have been through this abuse before who are telling you to leave. You're just stalling.

I very much hope that he sees the error of his ways, but I doubt he will. I know abusers. They always cry when caught, but carry on doing the same thing because they think a) they're smarter than you, and b) they will get away with it. I also hope that, now he knows his marriage is at risk, he doesn't transfer his attentions to a more pliable target: the children.

It's very upsetting when a poster tells you they're in a vulnerable situation, with even more vulnerable people (children), asking for advice, but ignores it all because it's not what they want to hear, so they continue to hitch their wagon to an abuser because that's the easier option. You love him? He doesn't love you. If he did, he wouldn't have done this to you.

I will be telling the person everything. I won't give him the chance to get in with any pity stories. If he/she thinks I should get out I will.

There is NO ONE ON EARTH (apart from your husband/rapist) who would NOT think that you should leave someone who violates you whilst you sleep.

He is THE ONLY ONE who will really fight for this. Ask yourself why. It's because he wants to keep doing it.

Please DO be honest with the counsellor. Then go for individual counselling.

What this guy did is wrong and creepy, but how is it rape??
I also think it's wrong for posters to say that he might be abusing his children.

I do not think you know your H at all. It may well be that he will dominate the sessions and make it all out somehow to be your fault.

Counselling on your own is a must do.

Have you not told anyone in real life because of fear you would not be believed?.

'What this guy did is wrong and creepy, but how is it rape??'

Because he's doing sexual things to her when she's in in no position to be able to give consent

OP, the counsellor will not tell you what to do. You need to see a counsellor by yourself. Your boundaries are way off. You seem to be struggling hugely with owning this situation and making a decision by yourself, which is understandable considering that you're in an abusive relationship. You say that if the counsellor tells you to leave, you will. That's not how counselling works. Only you can make this decision. I agree with Attila that counselling with this man is a very bad idea.

To echo other posters - he is not a nice man. He knows that what he's doing is wrong, and that you have told him to stop, and he hasn't. He's getting off on doing something to you that you haven't consented to and that's sick and horrible

What would you say to a friend of yours who was in this situation?

yup, very clever move on Mr Lollys behalf.

Alot more crying and some promises - why? did he not believe you when you spelt it out before, or did he just forget because the little voice in his cock was shouting too loud?

And now he has deleted all the evidence because he KNOWS that if you go to a 3rd party they may tell you that what he has done is illegal, and he can minimise or deny and you have no proof whatsoever.

Make sure that any counsellor knows that you have made it very clear in the past, and that he continued and actually did it more, by moving from photos to video (plus the threesome) otherwise he can claim that he didnt know and you may be encouraged to work through it as if it may have been a stupid one off rather than a consistant violation of you. Make sure that you say that you have had to resort to sleeping with the children to prevent it happening.

I guess I haven't told anyone in real life because all my friends are his friends. I just don't want the talk behind our backs.

Lottapianos, that doesn't make it rape unless their has been penile penetration.

Lollyz02

Why is it you have no friends of your own, have you only socialised until now as a couple?. What about time for your own self?.

I would state as well that controlling men try and isolate their victim socially, this is part of their ways of operating. He still has a vast amount of power and control in this relationship; the imbalance is very obvious and he is using that against you. Abuse is about power and control.

Where are your parents and wider family?.

You need to get over that, because they'll gossip when you leave him. If you're willing to stay in abusive relationship because people might talk behind your back, there's nothing anyone can say to help you.

I'm interested to know if the threesome ad was for you + him + male/female participant? I think that would shed more light on his intentions.

Lolly, don't you have ANY thoughts on anything any of us have said? At all?

you do know that it is not recommended to attend counselling with an abuser dont you - and whether he is lovely as pie the rest of the time, this IS abuse, not a marriage guidance issue.

You should definately get individual counselling, and he should maybe get his own, but I would suggest that he is simply following the script of offering to do something that looks like he is serious, but you wont actually get a chance to control the situation in there at all.

Marriage counselling assumes that there is a miscommunication issue, and comes from the viewpoint that there is fault on both sides and a compromise needs to be met. Can you see why that isnt relevent to your situation. There is no fault on your side. There is no 'compromise' that needs to be met midway - or maybe you wish to agree that he can film and molest you while videoing his happy ending, just on Tuesdays. I would doubt that a marriage counseller would be equipped to deal with your problem - you need individual counselling with someone who has experience in dealing with sexual abuse, not joint counselling withrelate.

Also I would be worried about drugging, or cranking up some glasses of wine before bed. You may be in your childs room for safety, but if you were zonko, can you 100% guarantee that he may not try it while you are in bed next to your child?? if you get that you need to lock yourself into your room to stop him, what does that mean?

homer You're unhelpfully splitting hairs, not sure why, but where has anyone called it rape?

Yes as I understand it, rape does require penetration. I had a guy come to my house and ejaculate all over me, because he got excited, and didn't want to stop when I asked, and kept following me round the room.

Then he told me that I would never tell anyone, especially the woman he lived with

That wasn't rape either.

There are a lot of people calling the OP's husband a rapist. Whether they mean to say 'potential rapist' instead, isn't very clear.

it IS sexual assault though

I do have lots of thoughts. Responding to everyone one on one would take all day. Believe me when I say I am taking in every bit of what people are saying. Whether I want to hear it or not. It is all being stored in my brain for when I am ready to put it all to use. I need to get my ducks in a row first. Which includes my own thoughts/feelings.
My DH and I got together when we were very young. We were friends first and in the same circle which is what I mean by my friends are his friends. His guy friends are all married to all my girl friends (it just happened that way strangely enough).

I only have my mum. Once back 7 odd years ago I had a fight with DH (can't remember what about.) I drove to my mums and she told me to go back and sort it out with my husband. She didn't even let me in the front door! So I guess I don't feel I can talk to her.

ok, couples counselling is not for a man and his sexual assault victim. You need separate counselling. Would a man who assaulted a woman in her sleep and videoed it be allowed counselling with his victim? It's insulting to you. Why did it take you all night to hammer this issue out? Did you have to convince him what he's done was wrong? He already knows that. Everyone knows that. He just didn't care. You've spent all night having a control battle with him. You need your own counselling. You've been assaulted by him.

What if you told your mum he is sexually abusing you?

I'm not expecting a one-to-one response. I'm sorry you don't have anyone IRL, but you have all of us here saying that this is not an overreaction on your part.

Lolly you sounds very isolated in your relationship. Are you working out of the home? Are you financially independent or do you rely on his income? Do you have access to the family income?

Do keep posting here even if people get a bit frustrated and shouty :) We are all well intentioned.

We are listening to you and we can be a source of support. You are anonymous here and you will get frank advice from some pretty wise people, who have been through lots of crap in their relationships themselves and changed their lives.

I wanted to touch on something you said very early He doesn't hit me. Physical violence isn't a benchmark for abuse. That he doesn't hit you isn't something to feel grateful about. There are many different kinds of abuse that goes on in relationships - much of it does not give any obvious bruises, or leave a physical mark. All of it is wrong, harmful and has no place in a healthy relationship. It can take some time to really see this yourself. It can be very difficult to acknowledge in yourself what is going on in your life. But ultimately, being blinkered only supports the abuser and the harm.

IME once I REALLY started to see what was going on, as you are starting to see now, there was no going back. Even when I wouldn't prioritize myself (lack of self worth/belief/value/importance) I was able to make the changes by prioritising my children. Then my self believe/value etc quickly followed once I was not living with my (verbally/emotionally/financially) abusive partner.

you don't have to give us one to one responses

Perhaps you could contact these people to get a clearer picture of what you should do and what your options are. They are the professional voice you seem to want to hear, and they will know exactly what you are going through and be able to advise you.

You seem doubtful of the advise here, you want a professional opinion, but by hanging onto marriage counselling to 'tell you' what to do, and attending a joint session, you are setting yourself up to fail. These people are experts - email them or phone them please before you agree to anything.

Sexual abuse isnt about a high sex drive. It is about power, control and entitlement. You may think he is being kind and nice, but once you start stripping away the veneer it may start to become obvious that there is more control there than you realise. Something like this doesnt just come out of nowhere. The kind of man who will do this is going to think they can swing the counselling session to their advantage - they are used to using charm to win many people round

here are another list of helpline numbers - I was hesitant to list them as they contain reference to domestic abuse, and thats a loaded phrase for many people if they dont recognise it.

And this thread may show how some men abuse while appearing to all (including often their partners initially) to be a kind and very caring man