Husband photographing me while asleep

[Lollyz02]

Ok I have seen this posted here before so I thought there may be some useful tips out there for me.
I have been with my husband for over 13 years. For as long as I can remember he has always had a high sex drive. Caught him looking at porn a few times and constantly saying we don't do it enough. About a year ago he took photos of me while I was sleeping. My breasts and my downstairs area. He also touched me down there and masturbated. I pretended out of shock to stay asleep for most of it. I "woke up" eventually and confronted him and he was very apologetic. Saying he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah. Since then it has happened a few more times. I have got mad at him over and over again but he is always so down and apologetic I always let it go. Over the last 6 months I have had an increase in my sex drive (I went off contraceptives for medical reasons, we are using condoms). So we have been having sex more often and being a bit more adventurous. The other night he did it again! This time videoing me! Also I noticed he joined up a website looking for a threesome! I thought once we were having sex more often these tendencies would end :(

I think you know that nothing will happen and you'll stay and it will continue.....

If this happened to me my husband would have three hours to pack and get the fuck out of our home.

OP, please read my last post on page 1.

And you keep saying how nice he is and now that he's "never hit you". It's irrelevant. He is abusing you. He may not be doing it with his fists, but he's still abusing you. He is NOT a nice man. I realise it's very hard, but you need to open your eyes.

I've very skeptical as to the outcome of this conversation because you've talked to him about this several times, not just once, and he keeps doing it. He doesn't care how you feel. He cares more about getting his rocks off. He will say all the right things and probably blub and sob some more, and then in a week, or a month, or two, he'll do it again.

Maybe show him this thread, that might make him realise that THIS IS ABUSE. It doesn't matter that you're married to her, mate, YOU ARE ABUSING HER and ignoring HER RIGHT TO CONSENT.

You don't 'know' he would never touch the children. Do you have a dd? He doesn't care about consent, so how do you 'know' what he would or wouldn't do?

You are right. You can't put money above sexual abuse. There's a name for people who accept money in exchange for allowing themselves to be used as a sex toy.

As for yourself, the psychological damage he is inflicting on you is huge. You aren't safe whilst asleep. It's a basic need. You won't appreciate the scale of the harm until you get away from it into safety.

I know how it feels to look at your life and think 'I can't break all this apart'. It's terrifying, and not the future you hoped for or wanted. But what he is doing is so totally, unacceptably wrong. He is the one breaking the life you are trying to believe you have. It's all on him. Not you.

Wow there are some strong women on here. Reading all of this has actually made me feel nautious. I would be saying the exact same thing if it was a friend of mine that was in this situation. Although leaving is easier said than done.

And what about this threesome he's organising? Is he planning to ask your consent for this?! Or is he even planning on involving you?

He's not as nice as you think.

Good luck.

And money shouldn't be a factor to stay in an abusive relationship. BUT when it all lays down in front of you, you need to think practically

So practically as long as he bungs a wedge your way you're ok with it.

I wonder how much he makes from up loading the videos, for me, I'm trying to decide if this is more akin to prostitution or porn 'star'.

I'm struggling with your seemingly blasé acceptance.

Where the fuck is your anger and outrage. If you need some I have buckets of the stuff on your behalf.

Or is he even planning on involving you?

You know, I'd be worrying he'd step up his behaviour to drugging the OP to secure her involvement, whether she wanted to be involved or not ...

OP, lots of women on here know it's easier said than done. But lots of them have done it. When you're not safe in your own home - and you're NOT, even though he's "not hitting you" - you have to find a way to make leaving him work.

At the very least - another room, locked door, every night.

I wouldn't sleep another night next to this man. You really need to consider phoning the police and asking them to remove him from the house. No that is not an over reaction. He has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever, he's not safe to be around. He is absolutely not a nice man, a nice man would be just as horrified as I am by your story.

OP, from Wikipedia (original source, "The Sex Doll: A History"):

The somnophiliac may create an unconscious state in the victim by drugging them, or may engage in sex with someone who is inebriated or asleep.

If you want it, MN has an army of strong women who will get you through this step by step.

My 'strength' comes from having been where you are, and come out the other side. I'm three years down the line from you, as my ex got kicked out in March 2013, for similar stuff. So I know how what you are thinking about is paralysing you with fear.

But we will help. There are so many strong women on here. They're amazing!

Would you consider the police? They'd take this seriously. Its very wrong

Sadly don't be too sure of that.

I had a similar experience.....They couldn't do anything. He wasn't my husband though.

Private message me if you want to talk . Im not comfortable sharing it publicly.

Although leaving is easier said than done.

Yes, you're right. It's not easy. But you need to do it anyway because you cannot spend your life going to sleep and hoping that your 'kind loving husband' doesn't reduce you to an unconscious fuck toy.

"I know he would never touch the children"

no you dont know that.
what is like day to day with DC?
how old are your dc?
how does he play and talk to them?
how is he around your female friends, teenage girl relatives?
around waitresses?

Trust me EauPea I am angry. Past angry actually. But also I am very very sad. I'm not blasé, I would not have come here for help if I was. I'm just a thinker. I like to know I have all my bases covered. Also I want to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable or silly at all. I'm not a pack my bags and walk out kind of person. We got married very young and I've considered him the love of my life for so long. Just very very sad.

Where is the line for you? You mention that you have been 'more adventurous' recently so I'm wondering whether he is genuinely confused about your consent or otherwise? I'm being kind though - the videoing thing would = creep for me, but obv we don't know what else has gone on.

If magically you won a million dollars, would you leave? If so, you need to think seriously about it.

What really concerns me is that is has escalated..he's videoing you!

cait Unless the OP said "please, darling husband, play with my genitals while I'm sleeping, and video me as well, would you be so kind?" then the OP's husband can fuck off to the far side of fuck. (As should your victim-blamey "ohhhh we don't know what else is going on, tell me about your sex life pls" bullshit.)

I want to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable or silly at all.
Nooooooooo. No. NO. NOPE. NUH-UH. NOT AT ALL. FUCKING HELL NO. NOOOOOO.

Got it yet? Please tell me you have, Lolly!

The trouble is that the 'kick' he gets from this sort of thing has a tendancy to lose it's potency after a while, so he would be tempted into ever more risky behaviour in order to achieve the same kind of 'high' that he is getting from it - it has already moved from photos, to videos, to threesome websites in quite a short time, despite appearing that he was remorseful.

even if it just stuck to voyeurism (which it has gone beyond already) how do you know he wouldnt be hiding cameras in bathrooms / toilets and your friends or children's friends may not get filmed. Its the 'forbidden' behaviour that runs the risk of further getting badly out of hand and control. If he is the kind of man who gets off on doing stuff that is wrong and knowingly non consensual, he could very very easily get off on accidentally recording someone underage, even if that wasnt the initial intention. And then thats a whole new huge can of worms

Also, cait this shit was happening before OP "got more adventurous" so you might want to try actually reading the post before bleating on about poor menz and their inability to understand what us CURAZZZZAY women want.

My partner before my DH used to do similar - although no filming.

I was young. I didn't leave him for that - but more because I just found over time I fell out of love with him, and I met someone else (my DH!).

The passing of time and reading stuff on Mumsnet has made me realise that he was abusing me - he was doing things to me in my sleep when I could not consent. He could not reasonably believe I was consenting, because I was asleep. You are vulnerable when you are sleeping - and when you are sleeping in your bed, in your home, with your husband, you have an absolute right not to be abused. You have a right to feel safe while you're sleeping.

Thinking back to it now makes me feel sick, physically ill, and I am ultra sensitive to issues around rape and consent now. I find discussions about consent very triggering - because what he used to do to me, I had no choice over - I was unconscious. His plaything.

Strangely, he was the also considered the nicest man, very nice, gentle etc. It's very difficult to reconcile that in my head. I moved away, and have completely lost touch with him now - but after we split, he went out with a colleague who I knew quite well. I wished her well - but I've often wondered if he did the same to her

for you.

If you'd consented to this, it would be OK. You didn't. It's not Ok in any context.

I would be deeply, deeply unhappy about this abuse.

It must be extremely difficult to reconcile the "Lovely nice man" you have been building your life and family with, and the man who thinks it is OK to sexually abuse you while you sleep, disregard your opinion on the subject and continue to do what HE wants with YOUR body while you sleep despite your protests and lack of consent.

But yet this is what you must do.

It is very disturbing OP and I really feel for you.

No advice as I haven't experienced this but wanted to let you know I am rooting for you. It must be very hard realising the man you trusted is abusing you. And that you have a challenging road ahead.
I hope you find the strength to deal with this. Don't worry about what others will think and that he appears to be a nice man. Whenever I hear of a break up I always think no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors, so I don't judge.
I think you need to deal with this now because it is escalating and I doubt he will stop.
In the meantime, yes, a lock on the door because he cannot be trusted and he can kip on the sofa if need be. And be vigilant for your children's safety - he is prioritising his sexual desires over everything else.
He knows it is wrong but he can't stop so definitely protect yourself and your children.
I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

Ewww disgusting! I actually feel sick reading what he's been doing. That is seriously wrong. Sexual abuse.

how do you know he wouldnt be hiding cameras in bathrooms / toilets and your friends or children's friends may not get filmed

OMG this. Even if you are confident attention wouldn't transfer to the children how can YOU be safe in your own home?