Husband photographing me while asleep

[Lollyz02]

Ok I have seen this posted here before so I thought there may be some useful tips out there for me.
I have been with my husband for over 13 years. For as long as I can remember he has always had a high sex drive. Caught him looking at porn a few times and constantly saying we don't do it enough. About a year ago he took photos of me while I was sleeping. My breasts and my downstairs area. He also touched me down there and masturbated. I pretended out of shock to stay asleep for most of it. I "woke up" eventually and confronted him and he was very apologetic. Saying he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah. Since then it has happened a few more times. I have got mad at him over and over again but he is always so down and apologetic I always let it go. Over the last 6 months I have had an increase in my sex drive (I went off contraceptives for medical reasons, we are using condoms). So we have been having sex more often and being a bit more adventurous. The other night he did it again! This time videoing me! Also I noticed he joined up a website looking for a threesome! I thought once we were having sex more often these tendencies would end :(

Whilst I am sympathetic OP of what she has been put through, I think the reason the posts have made her feel sick is because she knows it is the truth that she is married to a rapist and that the children are at risk. I really don't think it is that hard to leave and can't understand why you would stay even after the first time it happened let alone all this time later when she has made it clear she isn't happy with it but he obviously couldn't care less. Who is to say he will/won't abuse the children and why on earth would any mother take that risk for a man?!

I really don't know why some of you are posting, if you're only going to say the same thing over and over.

I keep wanting to come back and post but I just am not entirely sure what to say exactly. Because I do understand why people don't leave and that reason is hope. I think this can be confused with love in some ways because hope is a very very powerful feeling and emotion. In life some people are naturally optimistic and some are pessimistic. Both have their dark sides. The optimistic ones can struggle to see the negatives of situations and have a strong belief in hope, even when there isn't much hope to be seen by others.

This hope you hold on to has been chipped away at now over time, but it's still strong. This is part of the dynamic in any relationship that can swing the balance into abuse. Your forgiving nature and desperate hope of change is not always your strength. It is blinding you, or you do not want to see to some very dark and potentially dangerous side of your husband. And he's not like that all the time. You can see the 'good side' there, and this proves to you that all is not lost.

Except, he's already lost to himself and his desires/urges.

While I cannot advocate staying with him because that would feel wrong, I know why you stay. I know what you want to believe. Those of us who have experience with a person like your DH know first hand the sheer amount of work that needs to go into making permanent changes and enforcing boundaries with consequences.

I don't think you are loving yourself enough to be strong and look at his actions after the incidents objectively. He's never done enough to make changes. He's always slipped up. He's never gone to the moon and back to make things better or different. He's not worked tirelessly to make himself a better man. I think you need to decide in your mind a definitive line of what you deem will make true changes and what he needs to do.

Not just hope for the best

I've name changed for this.

My ex photographed me too. I had no idea until I stumbled on the pictures. Looking back, this seemed to be such a non-issue in our relationship however with time comes clarity and in a wider context of other behaviour from him it built a picture of him that was miles away from his charming fake persona I believed in for so long.

It's about more than just a photo of your private parts, which I think is starting to dawn on you. For my ex it was about pushing his boundaries and the thrill of doing something that was wrong/illegal/ immoral. And part of a wider picture. He got a thrill from driving my car at speed without being insured, in order to scare me. He got a kick out of sending me grocery shopping with counterfeit notes. He thought it was hilarious that he kept his promise to me that he would not smuggle drugs through a border checkpoint because he didn't have them in his suitcase. He had planted them in mine.

This is all obviously in addition to very subtle emotional abuse, verbal abuse, occasional physical abuse, coercion, manipulation and gas-lighting that was all going on as well. I loved him too - thought that it was just one or two little things that needed to change in order for him to be the partner he was telling me he wanted to be. Only for this little detail or that one, he was perfect, or so I thought at the time. Even when I was sitting talking to a counsellor in WA, I still thought she was a bit OTT and didn't manage to leave until after a few more false starts.

Only after I left, after I did a lot of reading of threads and books about abuse, did I fully recognise the extent of his abusive behaviour. I look back now in horror that I normalised so much that was wrong at the time. I know now I minimised massively and that he is out there somewhere still abusing women and pushing boundaries to get his thrills.

So keep reading - you are getting closer to where you need to be, though it is slow. Read Lundy Bancroft's book. Get counselling for you. And use this thread and the book and your therapist to help you look at this whole relationship more objectively.

Op I've not posted for a while but I am following your thread.

You're doing really well. There is SO MUCH for you to take in, and when you have been living with this for years, as you have done, then anyone would be brainwashed.

You're getting away from that brainwashed state.

Do you think it might be helpful to get into the mindset of "I am going to leave this relationship" and work towards it? From your posts, reading between the lines, I think you know that you need to end things, but you need time to come to terms with it.

You have told him you won't tolerate it anymore. Why? Over the last year you have done nothing but show him that you will tolerate it. That's the message you are giving him. He. Will. Not. Stop. He knows it's wrong. Hearing it from a counsellor won't change that. Surely she shouldn't be counselling him now anyway.

You need to protect your children. Who cares if you think he hasn't done anything to them. Doesn't mean he won't. I also don't care if you don't want to hear it. You need to. For their sake. Imagine a future where they confide in you what he has done, and they discover that you suffered the same thing but chose to do nothing.

Harrypotter makes a good point OP, why would he listen to a counsellor telling him but not his wife, who has told him to stop and your concerns? You'd listen to the one you love

Calm down guys op said she's had enough of us being "mean" (truthful）

I'm sure the therapy sessions are working on the sexual predator and he will never touch op inappropriately again.

I'm sure your children are 100% safe

Your doing the right thing by sticking by him

Is that better? No, you want us to be truthful, I'm sorry the truth hurts and that your in this crap situation, no one deserves to feel unsafe in their own home.

Can I ask a personal question? Do you and DP still have sex? Do you find yourself actively trying to do better, as to satisfy him (in hope he won't feel the need for his sleep time jollys?)

I really do feel for you, some of the posts on here are just plain mean, they seem to be forgetting that you are a real person going through this crap with years of marriage and probably some very happy memories behind you.
I do agree with those that have said that this is abuse but I also know it's not that easy just to leave.
I think that going for counselling is a great step forwards and the fact that your hubby is going means he wants to work at regaining your trust. Only you will know if that's ever going to be possible, but counselling will help you to decide this and it will help also if you do decide to leave. I don't really have advice I just wanted to send a kind word, some sympathy and the best of luck!!

Yes, I agree Lostlottie. There are some really unpleasant comments on here.

I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if this has already been said. I am completely and utterly shocked that anybody would do this. I would not be able to live with him for another second, the thought of how he is violating you sends shivers down my spine. Please don't think that he would not abuse your children, you don't know this. He is not normal x

Hi Op... I am very sorry that you're going through this. (I know everyone is going to hate me for saying this ) I for one didn't think that this was classified as sexual abuse when I read your original post and I can only imagine the shock that you're feeling after reading all the comments here. These are my thoughts ( sorry for the explicit point below ) :

I sometimes play with my dh private when he's asleep ... He never stops me so I assume that he's ok with it. I assume that your dh is feeling the same ??? I am not a sick pervert.. I just assumed that if my dh never stopped me then he's comfortable with it. Is your dh assuming the same?

Re the pictures and videos - I do find this very creepy. Have you asked him why he's doing it and what exactly is he doing with the pictures and videos? has he asked you for nude pictures? If I found out that my hubby was taking pics of me naked I'd prob laugh at first tbh. However , if I've asked him to stop and he doesn't then I'd be a bit concerned . Also I'd like him to tell me why he's actually doing it.

I am very shocked that everyone is saying to leave .... I'm not saying that they are wrong at all.. I just thought it was a sexual issue which could be dealt with through talking/counselling. This post is an eye opener for me and I'm going to ask my husband whether he feels violated by what I do.

I also don't think it means that he is interfering with the kids....I'm not saying that he isn't either . It's just not nice that some people are saying that based on the fact that he's got a weird sexual fetish.

I pray that it all works out for you for the best, whatever decision you make. Please feel free to come here for advise whevever you feel down.

cherry2727 thing is, the OP doesn't like it and she has told her husband this repeatedly! Can't just excuse this as a sexual fetish, she doesn't want him doing it

Sparklymagpie, please don't assume that I'm making excuses for someone who is making sexual advances at someone without their consent ...We are all in her best interest and I did say that though my Initial thoughts were not of a sexual abusive nature it has been an eye opener for me! I can't lie and say sexual abuse came to mind the first time I read her original post! He is very very wrong for not respecting her wishes , however , he might not be a paedophile or rapist as some people are labelling him as! disrespectful ... Yes!!!! A bigoted man... Yes!!! Selfish ... Yes!!!! I know this because I once sat on a jury with a case identical to this!

Can I ask what the outcome of the case was Cherry? ( not asking to be awkward, just genuinely curious )
Takes a strong woman to go to court in that situation

Op I have been following this thread but have not commented so far.
Plainly you are struggling because in the short term it is easier to preserve the status quo with regard to your relationship and your family.
There is a very simple truth here, he does not love you, he affords you no love or respect.
His "urges/fetish/doing what HE wants" means more to him than any love or affection he has for you.
It is/was not a one off behaviour that you would have the capacity to forgive in response to much apologising.
I personally think that you need to think very carefully, his lack of respect for you is overwhelming, because be in no doubt this really does show his true feelings as far as he is concerned. He knows he is putting his family and marriage at risk and it hasn't really stopped him has it.
His priorities are not the same as yours.

And also Cherry, just want to know as it highlights how serious matters like this are

The thing is, even if he stops assaulting you and never does it again, how on earth can you continue any sort of rewarding relationship with him into the future, knowing what he's done?

CHerry it's not a sexual,fetish it's sexual assault. To be honest you should never assume consent what happens if he never knew you did it and didn't like it, and why on earth would you do it, it clearly for you benefit not his as he is not awake.

Quartz2208 - I assumed that if someone is being sexually interfered whilst they sleep, they would eventually wake up and would be aware of what's going on?? I don't think it's possible for me to do this to my dh without him knowing . Obv if he had ever expressed his dislike to me Doing it then I would have not continued . I did ask him and he laughed and said he's fine. But I can see why it's being interpreted as sexual abuse ... I do not agree with the fact that he's continually doing it to the op even after she's expressed dissatisfaction . That's very worrying.

sparklymagpie- yes she was . Without giving out to much info, he was convicted of rape in the end as there was penetration, however, it was a very debating case amongst the jurors as most jurors assumptions were that it's fine as he was her partner . Very interesting .

Thanks for the info Cherry

That is very interesting, and amazes me people think just because it's a partner it's excusable and it isnt abuse, especially when said partner has said multiple times they do not like it and it needs to stop.
Very frightening!
Glad he was found guilty! And i feel for the woman, I've been involved in my own court case for rape although the vile monster in question wasn't a partner and I was very young at the time. Unfortunately it didn't end In a guilty verdict. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life being doubted and ripped apart. That's another reason I was interested in the outcome of the trial.

lollyz02 how are you doing op?

Technically against the law?

FFS it either is or it isn't and it is. That technically is harking back to the days where a man couldn't be charged with raping his wife his possession

Get yourself some self esteem building therapy and then you'll see you don't need this abuser in your life.

I've just read this thread, horrified.

OK. To try a different tack.

Imagine every time you were having sex, you tried to insert a finger in his bottom.
And every time he told you he didn't like it. How about you tried 3 times and then when you weren't having sex, he got upset and told you that he didn't like it, he finds it upsetting and he is hurt that you keep doing it despite knowing he doesn't like it.

Now try to imagine what you would have to feel about him, to try to do it for the 4th time?

Do you imagine you could feel love for him to try it again? Do you feel respect for him to try it again? Do you care at all about his well being to try it again?

I would imagine that if he felt any of those things for you, he would not be able to do it.

The sad fact is, he doesn't feel any of them. He can't possibly. He has to believe it's his right to rape you (and if he has digitally inserted himself, then it is rape) or sexual abuse you (if he has not).

And in order to think that, he has to believe a number of things; that you are lesser, that your feelings are not important; that your body is his property.

If this was me right now, I would be using the fact of what he has done as leverage. I would threaten him with the police and his mother being told unless he ....... (whatever it takes to give you security to get away. Money, signing over deeds, moving out, etc etc)

I really hope you break this cycle. You are worth more than this. It must break your heart that he treats you like this.

My ex dp used to physically assault me- break plates over my head, punch me in the face and head, knee me in the crotch (I got an hernia) rip my knickers off to humiliate me and spit on me.

I still loved him. The him that 80% of the time didn't do that. I wanted to help him, to fix him. Until it dawned on me that I couldn't.

In fact that is wrong. I left when I physically could not cope with his systematic dismantling of my personality/ my soul/ my self worth.

I still actually tried from a distance to help him. Then it dawned on me. Particularly when he hit me over the head with the plastic washing basket that split and caused defense wounds to my arms.

Why wasn't he trying to win me back, why wasn't he on his best behaviour? Why wasn't he humble?

And the answer is either because they are broke. Too broken to fix. Or, they see you as shit on their shoe, to be treated however they like, and nothing will ever get them to see you in higher esteem.

And you know what definitely never in a million years as it goes against human psychology, will never get them to see you in higher esteem?

You putting up with it.

I guarantee they see a weak, pathetic person who puts up with another person treating them appallingly. They can't respect that. In their eyes the more you stay the more you are giving them permission.

My heart broke. Unfortunately I was on public transport when I couldn't contain the feeling of being utterly distraught at how the person I loved with all my heart could possibly treat me like this.

I know you must feel like this. He won't change.

The question is, how many years will you waste, until the inevitable ending takes place?