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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband photographing me while asleep

574 replies

Lollyz02 · 10/02/2016 09:41

Ok I have seen this posted here before so I thought there may be some useful tips out there for me.
I have been with my husband for over 13 years. For as long as I can remember he has always had a high sex drive. Caught him looking at porn a few times and constantly saying we don't do it enough. About a year ago he took photos of me while I was sleeping. My breasts and my downstairs area. He also touched me down there and masturbated. I pretended out of shock to stay asleep for most of it. I "woke up" eventually and confronted him and he was very apologetic. Saying he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah. Since then it has happened a few more times. I have got mad at him over and over again but he is always so down and apologetic I always let it go. Over the last 6 months I have had an increase in my sex drive (I went off contraceptives for medical reasons, we are using condoms). So we have been having sex more often and being a bit more adventurous. The other night he did it again! This time videoing me! Also I noticed he joined up a website looking for a threesome! I thought once we were having sex more often these tendencies would end :(

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 01/02/2017 00:28

Right I'm just going to come out and say this now, as no matter how much I try I can't get my head around your thinking...

For about the third time now I'll ask you; what would you say if your daughters came to you and told you their husband was doing this?

Worse still, what if one or both of your daughters came to you and told you their father was doing this to them?!

Because if I'm honest,you're staying put and choosing to put up with this, so what difference would it make if your children came to you?

You are not protecting yourself and you are not protecting your children

My son trumps anything and despite whether I wanted to or not he would come before me and I would not be staying/living with this absolute vile excuse of a "man"

I know what it's like to be sexually abused and raped, but to have that done to you by someone you love and YOU choosing to live with it and potentially expose your children to it also, no I'm sorry but I have no sympathy on that front.

If you want to stay with him then I, personally would hand my children to someone who would protect them and keep them safe, not keep them under the same roof as a sexual abuser and take the risk of one day them being targeted

No amount of " counselling " will help you both deal with this, he chooses to do it and you choose to allow it to continue.

Your poor children

Original poster
Lollyz02 · 01/02/2017 00:37

🙁
Ok the messages are just getting more and more mean. Honestly I throw up after every time I am on here. They make me dizzy and sick.
I'm sorry if I'm not a strong enough person to just up and leave and to tell you all what you are needing to hear, if it were that easy I would have done it already. Something is stopping me. Whether it is love for him, the wanting to keep my family together, or maybe I am brainwashed... I don't know... but my instinct is still saying to stay put for the moment.

Rumbling.... you asked me what I'm doing on here.... I don't know to be honest. When I first found this forum I did so by googling and saw another lady had put a similar problem up. So I thought this may be the space for me to write, express, and hopefully get some specific ideas on what to do. It has done that to an extent. Honestly I never would have thought of counseling if it weren't for everyone's suggestions and never would have thought it was a bad idea to go with my husband. (FYI he has gone alone and I plan on going alone also)...
I also never would have thought that he could touch my children, now it is lingering in my mind of course. When I read the posts about it, that is what makes me sick..... how do you leave someone for something they may or may not do?? (Taking out the fact of what has happened between him and I)....

OP posts:
GlitteryFluff · 01/02/2017 00:52

I haven't rtft but have read your posts op.

I remember reading your original post last year. I'm sorry it's still going on. You can't control him stopping doing it but you can control leaving him so it stops. Almost a year ago you posted that if he did it again you would leave him as he knows you don't like it.

He's still doing it. You need to leave him.

Please don't stop posting, you're getting help here. You're getting it off your chest and people are giving you advice. I know you don't want to hear it all but people are just trying to look out for you. And make you realise you deserve better than this, and that this isn't normal. It's ok to be hurt and heartbroken when you split, it's a shock, you can grieve and mourn for the life you could have had. It's not ok to still be in this position next year, the year after, in 5 more years. That's no life.

Also this time last year you said he's not violent and wouldn't hurt you, and now he's bruised you. It's going to escalate further. Please, for you, for your children, start making plans to split up.

EmilyRosanne · 01/02/2017 04:36

It's very easy to leave a man for something he 'may not do' when that something is to abuse or hurt your children. They should come first before your feelings, but obviously your relationship with this sicko comes before them and that is awful.

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/02/2017 05:47

Lolly I can see how it might seem like, in leaving for the children, you would be leaving him for something he may or may not do, but as well as the possibility of him also abusing your children, you would be leaving for your children because, regardless of your own acceptance of his actions towards you, your children shouldn't really be living with someone who sexually assaults people.

If you think of it as an abstract situation in which you aren't his victim - even if he were unlikely to assault your children, would you think an abuser was a suitable parent for them?

I know from experience in the UK it can take women several attempts to leave, please don't give up just because you went back once. Are you still talking to your friend? Have you called the Oz Respect hotline (1800 737 732) ? I don't know if they're as supportive as Women's Aid in the UK, but I think you could do with some non-judgmental hand holding right now to help you build up the self esteem to leave.

Please value yourself and keep trying to find a better life.

HelenDenver · 01/02/2017 06:08

Very well put, Boom. This man is not good for them (or you) to live with even if things go no further than they already have.

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 01/02/2017 08:21

Respect hotline is wonderful. There is also CASA the sexual assault line 1800 806 292

Penhacked · 01/02/2017 08:26

I am really sorry for you. Life as you live it is messy and leaving someone is not easy. You have been abused though and I think you would benefit from individual and ongoing counselling more than your dh right now. I agree if this were happening to my mum I would feel sick. If your children ever found one of these videos it would traumatise them.

PowerPantsRule · 01/02/2017 08:32

Please keep posting here. And i would ask anyone who responds not to be abusive. The poor woman is getting enough of that. And it won't do her any good. Surely the way to help her is to be calm, listen and offer constructive advice. You read what she said - she is being sick after reading comments on here!

HelenDenver · 01/02/2017 08:40

Yy Power.

NoMudNoLotus · 01/02/2017 09:04

Posts are abusive - they just are not cajoling.

There is a difference between straight talking i.e. highlighting the fact that OPs children are not being prioritised , that she has a duty to them & being abusive.

Highlighting that OP has a responsibility to her children is not abusive.

Highlighting that she is making unwise decisions is not abusive.

Hoping that social services step in to protect these children is not abusive - what IS abusive is the behaviour of the male & what IS abusive is allowing the children to remain in an environment where that is happening.

PowerPantsRule · 01/02/2017 09:18

NoMUd - I agree with you. But some posts further up thread have been badgering and shrill, rather than 'highlighting'. This poor lady is suffering, and just because she is not doing what posters want right now, immediately, she is getting hectored. Let me repeat - she is vomiting reading some comments. It's not on. She is the victim here.

Fidelia · 01/02/2017 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PowerPantsRule · 01/02/2017 09:27

Really good post Fidelia. You said what i want to say to OP but lacked the words. Keep posting OP, don't be put off. And think about what Fidelia says...

Iamdobby63 · 01/02/2017 09:35

PowerPantsRule Absolutely agree and what happens is rather than helping the OP she gets chased away and home seems like a safer place than on here.

I do understand people's concern re the children be that possibility is now a consideration in the OP's mind - she will now be aware just like all of us should be aware.

My ex did similar to me and I can assure you that it was only ever fully mature women he was interested in and he wasn't a mass murderer either. That's not to say every pervert is the same.

its been said and it's not wrong to raise the concern but now it's out there perhaps we can focus on other aspects and try and help the OP through this process.

PowerPantsRule · 01/02/2017 09:51

Iamdobby - yes, exactly! The concern has been raised, she knows, now let it go and give her support.

This is supposed to be a safe place for poor OP to come and get help, and instead she reads the messages and is sick. Bloody awful.

keepingonrunning · 01/02/2017 10:12

Lollyz I know it's extremely difficult to accept but the harsh reality is this man is not the man you thought he was. He deliberately misled you into thinking he was a good man and great father material until you were trapped 'in love', in marriage and in parenthood with him.
He's a con man, a predator. This is how they work. You are far from alone.

keepingonrunning · 01/02/2017 10:14

Your hopes and dreams for the future, walking hand in hand into the sunset with him, are out of the window. It's the end of the fairytale of family life with him you thought you had. It's a mind fuck and it's really hard to come to terms with. He deceived you - big time.
You are stronger than you think. You can leave, you do have a choice, you CAN do the right thing for your DDs.

Original poster
Lollyz02 · 01/02/2017 10:20

Thankyou ladies. These last few posts have been much more uplifting.

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 01/02/2017 10:22

This is so unbelievably sad. I really hope something clicks for you soon OP so you can see this man for what he is and always will be instead of the man you think he has the potential to be.

Adora10 · 01/02/2017 10:45

Well I for one don't give a stuff if some of these responses are making you sick OP, I think you should direct your revulsion to your husband, not strangers on here, and in all honestly, if you were my daughter, my sister, I'd actually be much more verbal in my estimation of your situation; nobody is saying anything to attack you, we are just astounded that you are choosing to stay with a man that is sexually abusing you, you know it's wrong and I don't understand your urgency to stick with him, it's only reinforcing to him that what he's doing to you is actually not so bad.

Make him go, by all means take him back - ONCE he can prove to you that he is cured of his awful behaviour and can be trusted around you and your girls.

If not, then I really don't know either what you are posting here for, nobody is going to tell you it's ok to stay.

Orangetoffee · 01/02/2017 11:04

Please tell us at least that he is no longer sleeping in the same bed as you

mummyto2monkeys · 01/02/2017 11:14

Lolly I am feeling so sad for you! I honestly think that what you NEED to do FIRST, is walk into your local police station and tell them everything. Focus on the crimes that he has committed, then let the police take over. This is the only way that you can know for sure that you and your daughters are safe.

Once the police are involved, any decisions about your marriage will be taken out of your hands. Leaving you a chance to heal and protecting your daughters from any harm that may have already been done and from any future harm.

You have been abused, you have been violated in your own bed over and over again. If a stranger broke into your home and abused you, you would report them and be terrified of what they might do to your daughters. Your husband is that stranger, he is not the man you married, the man who promised to love and honour you and protect you until death.

Please Lolly, contact the police, protect yourself and your daughters. Teach your daughters that they have value. That nobody has the right to rape, violate or abuse them!

ymmv · 01/02/2017 11:20

Please do make sure that you get your individual counselling Lolly. Sending strength.

loveyoutothemoon · 01/02/2017 11:22

Have you read the post about the woman that's been sexually abused very recently by her DH? She rang the police the other day. Maybe you could get some strength and advice from her. You need to act on this.