Husband photographing me while asleep

[Lollyz02]

Ok I have seen this posted here before so I thought there may be some useful tips out there for me.
I have been with my husband for over 13 years. For as long as I can remember he has always had a high sex drive. Caught him looking at porn a few times and constantly saying we don't do it enough. About a year ago he took photos of me while I was sleeping. My breasts and my downstairs area. He also touched me down there and masturbated. I pretended out of shock to stay asleep for most of it. I "woke up" eventually and confronted him and he was very apologetic. Saying he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah. Since then it has happened a few more times. I have got mad at him over and over again but he is always so down and apologetic I always let it go. Over the last 6 months I have had an increase in my sex drive (I went off contraceptives for medical reasons, we are using condoms). So we have been having sex more often and being a bit more adventurous. The other night he did it again! This time videoing me! Also I noticed he joined up a website looking for a threesome! I thought once we were having sex more often these tendencies would end :(

Yeuch. He really is repulsive isn't he?
What a slimy specimen [vom]

Your hoping he will tell the truth and fix it.
So roll on tomorrow and say " My husband loves taking pictures of me and saving them and after that he loves to have a wee play with me while I am asleep.
I fake pretend that I'm asleep as I don't want to disrupt him while he goes about enjoying my body.
And I think my children are safe from him because I haven't caught him in the act yet"
You don't know what his thoughts are really when hes doing such things to you and why he keeps pics and video's of you and remember he wants to have threesomes with you too.
Lollyz you cant save him you can only save yourself.
And really what sort of counseling are you having as to will the councilor be prepared for this sort of situation.
And if this person tells you need to leave him and protect your children will you?

I think you should ignore what he is doing and just accept it as part of who he is.

Some things are just what expect from a loving relationship - that you'll do anything for a man you love.

Sometimes a man doesn't love us equally, and may indeed see us as a hole to be fingered or fucked, another good one for the self esteem.

Stay quiet, and whilst you may have asked him countless time not to abuse you, he still will, as its all about his needs, not yours.

Oh, and you have one life, as do your kids, so in no way should you think about that.

Maybe at the counselling session, your husband will trip himself up, and present as the low life, sexual deviant, that he is.
Lolly, this is something that cannot, be kissed better.

The reason I'm worried about you having couples counselling is because of my personal experiences. My very unpleasant ex used it as a way of cutting off my ability to make myself heard and the counsellor fell for his charm and the sessions became two people battering hell out of me. The counsellor clearly couldn't see abuse or stay out of the abusive dynamics herself. She ignored and belittled the abuse I spoke about. She told me I was using sex as a weapon and I should never refuse my husband sex. This was after I had explained that he forced me to have sex and he made me bleed because he was so rough a lot of the time. And other stuff even worse than that. She made me feel wrong for not enjoying being raped. And she silenced me for years.

It took years after to realise that I was in a very abusive relationship, and I do hold that terrible counsellor responsible, not for the abuse, but for being so unprofessional that she joined in the control and manipulation, and made me think I had to shut the fuck up and let him treat me like that. For years. Until it ramped up so much that it became clear it was going to do damage to my baby, and it was only then I started on that long journey to clarity and rebuilding mine and DS's lives.

Counselling within an abusive relationship can go very very wrong.

MiscellaneousAssortment

I'm so sorry that happened to you. How horrendous.

OP what do you think that the counsellor will say that will fix this problem?

I'm so sorry for you because you are waiting for someone to wave a magic wand and it's just not possible. The only person who can do that is you. Your husband doesn't care. He knows that he is a danger to you. If he cared or wanted to change then he would remove himself from your home (or at the very least your bed), whether you objected or not, until he sorted himself out. He wouldn't subject you to this for a second longer. But he is happy to share a bed with you, knowing that he cannot control himself and will potentially rape or sexually assault you.

However, it's your children I really feel worried for. For a start there's the obvious safeguarding issue and the fact that you are really just turning a blind eye to the possibility that his sexual offending reaches further than you already realise (I know you've said you trust him but that's insanely naïve - you are staking your children's safety on the fact that you trust a known sex offender not to abuse them). But also, how do you think your children would feel if they knew that their daddy hurt their mummy like this? Secrets like these have a habit of coming out to bite you on the backside and children are way, way more perceptive than you think. Just consider what you are teaching them about what a loving relationship looks like.

Any counsellor worth their salt will not see a couple where there has been abuse.

"knowing that he cannot control himself "
I would question this. Isn't it more likely he doesn't have to control himself while Lollyz tolerates it, justifying to himself she must secretly like it or she would have left.

Keeping yep, you're right Whether he can or can't control himself is immaterial because there is absolutely zero reason for him to bother trying.

I agree he may manipulate the councillor, be ready for this. It is common for abusers to weave their spell of geniality with couples councilling
I would try & avoid a tit for tat if he denies/plays down/says you allow, his actions. I would let him speak, & then demand the right to speak uninterrupted. Announce he is a sex offender, there is a real possibility he is posting or selling these videos on line? Where will it stop ? Are my children SAFE
at this point I would say, "if he continues to abuse me, when I repeatedly ask him to stop, Who is safe?
If he interrupts, say that he has spoken & it is you turn....... if He/the councillor doesn't take on board the seriousness of this, I would stand up & leave..... YOU know the truth, don't be manipulated by either of them.

I still don't know how he actually manages it to be honest. If you sleep in pyjamas or knickers and a vest he couldn't get them off you without waking you and surely the simple solution if you're sleeping naked next to him is, well not to sleep naked next to him?

Write all the details down and bring your notes along so that you can hand them to the councellor in case you clam up or your h has a melt down or something.

I still don't know how you can even look at this vile man without feeling sick!

I feel sick at the thought of someone doing that let alone it being your husband

Absolutely disgusting ! I'm sure he'll tell you EVERYTHING you want to hear at counselling.

Good luck OP, I couldn't do it

What you said really worries me. He knows full well what he's doing is wrong, but you love him that much he is allowed to continue, why on earth would he ever stop doing what he clearly "enjoys" when he can just get away with it, with no consequences?

You can say you know he wouldn't do this too his children, but no offence how do you know? Are you 100% the time he first woke you was the first time he's done anything like this? Are you aware every time he moves/leaves the bedroom?

Abusers always have their own ways of making things seem fixable, but he won't change unless there are consequences to his actions.

I think it's ridiculious you are still with him & hope you see this for yourself, you deserve better x

Apologies if I'm wrong, but you still havnt said what your answer would be if your daughters came to you one day saying their partner has done the same to them as your husband?

Would you tell them to stay because they " love" them?

Genuinely interested in your answer

You can't counsel someone out of sexually abusing you! You shouldn't have to - any normal, decent, loving person doesn't need to be told and re-told and reminded to not rape and abuse

OP, I'm not going to have a go at you- I can't even imagine how hard it would be to leave someone who seems so plausible so much of the time.

In my job I see a lot of abused kids. Obviously I can't give details, but on multiple occasions I've ended up dealing with the fallout from men like your husband. The mum's either claimed that the father could/would never do anything, or in quite a few cases, had stayed through abuse believing that he wouldn't be able to do it under their eyes. Please try and realise that he may not be abusing your kids, he may never abuse your kids, but he most certainly has the potential to do so. Denying this makes it easier for him to do it, and harder for your kids to tell/ get support.

If he loves you, and can't help himself, then no amount of love will be able to get him to stop with your kids should his obsession turn that way.

I'm not saying leave him, but please don't lie to yourself when your kids may be at risk. Be vigilant, educate them about boundaries, be open to hearing what they have to say.

Please don't keep repeating that Lolly's DH "can't control himself". It's highly unlikely to be true and in a sense, excuses his behaviour.

We went to see a counselor. She was lovely.
He did most of the talking (she directed a lot of the questions to him).... he was honest about everything that had happened.
The counselor told it to him straight that it is against the law technically and it is abuse. He needed to hear that from someone other than me. It took him a little by suprise I think. Like me saying it several times had never sunk in!
Since then (and I am aware it has only been a few days) all has been well.

Time will tell.

You need to ask yourself why he needed to hear it from someone else? He is that lacking in respect for you that you asking him not to sexually abuse you meant nothing to him. And you are grasping onto the fact he responded to a stranger addressing the fact he is a sexual predator... What did you want him to say? He's trying to keep his victim in his life so he can continue his perversion.Sexual abusers are the most manipulative people you will ever meet and sadly you are being completely manipulated by this vile specimen.

Honestly I don't know if it was more for him or more for me to have him hear it from somewhere else. In a way it was for me, knowing he told the story truthfully and then she responded like that meant that I wasn't crazy and I'm not exaggerating or anything like that.

Yes. Sporadically.