Husband photographing me while asleep

[Lollyz02]

Ok I have seen this posted here before so I thought there may be some useful tips out there for me.
I have been with my husband for over 13 years. For as long as I can remember he has always had a high sex drive. Caught him looking at porn a few times and constantly saying we don't do it enough. About a year ago he took photos of me while I was sleeping. My breasts and my downstairs area. He also touched me down there and masturbated. I pretended out of shock to stay asleep for most of it. I "woke up" eventually and confronted him and he was very apologetic. Saying he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah. Since then it has happened a few more times. I have got mad at him over and over again but he is always so down and apologetic I always let it go. Over the last 6 months I have had an increase in my sex drive (I went off contraceptives for medical reasons, we are using condoms). So we have been having sex more often and being a bit more adventurous. The other night he did it again! This time videoing me! Also I noticed he joined up a website looking for a threesome! I thought once we were having sex more often these tendencies would end :(

OP

You are brave for sharing your true thoughts about the situation and this is by no means your fault, or anything you've done to encourage this behaviour.

What about seeking support and advice from domestic violence agency local to you? They will be confidential and be able to support you through this and provide you with information that you need to make important decisions about your next steps. Whatever your decision is, I hope you stay safe.

Op , can I ask about the logistics? Do you sleep naked next to him? I sleep in a vest and knickers, no one is getting them off me without me waking up. Could wearing something to bed, if you do sleep naked, prevent it happening? I know it's simplistic but I'm just trying to work out how he does it.

I'm not sure you know what love is because love doesn't involve sexual assault.

I think that your love for him or his for you isn't the cure for his desires. They are so very wrong and all this 'love' hasn't yet solved the issue, which goes to show it isn't the answer. You can't love each other out of this situation. He is quite deeply ingrained in this desire - it won't go away. He has tried to repress it (allegedly) which doesn't work - getting drunk took that mental effort away didn't it? Repressing something is NOT the same as addressing it.

Ultimately this isn't like living with someone who has depression or a physical illness who you can work with as a unit to overcome and get better from because what he has is a deep uncontrollable desire to violate and assault you in your sleep. It can't be likened to any of the conditions that other couples can overcome. Every time he does it, and the anxiety that it could happen again that is constantly there, he's choosing to destroy your self worth over and over to feel a powerful sexual thrill.

You have all painted a picture of him as the stereotypical abuser. He just isn't and no I'm not blind. I see very clearly. I'm not defending him but I need you guys to also see that he has made efforts to stop. Not entirely and it's not perfect.

Your husband is an abuser and you need to leave! What do you think a stereotypical absuer do ? He abuses his victim apologize when his victim react fake to change for a while and then slip back into his old ways the second he sees his prey stays by his side. That is EXACTLY what your DH is doing.

He is NOT going to change, not if you stay. If you want him to have a chance to change you need to go, for you, for your children. If he sees you can't put up with his crap maybe he'll get the electroshock he needs but regardless he isn't worth saving your marriage.

What if your children where in this situation OP, would you genuinely advice them to stay ? Tell them that the man who is touching them and photographing them in their sleep against their will, may change, that he is trying ? Of course you would not, you would be on your way to pick them up. Don't accept for yourself what you wouldn't accept for your own DDs.

I know you are saying that you know he isn't touching your children, that you know him but do you really ? Would you have ever imagined him that he would be touching you in your sleep and taking pictures when you married ? I know it's unlikely he is touching your children or that he ever would but truth is, he has shown you that he isn't who you think he is, that he has NO control over his sexual pulsions and that he doesn't care enough about the possible consequences to stop, that is a seriously worrying behaviour to have.

I was sexually abused when I was much younger, twice by the same guy, someone that I deeply trusted and cared about. The first time he did it I (stupidly) thought it was a misunderstanding that he didn't mean it, that it was my fault, the typical, so I forgave him didn't mention it to anyone, eventually he did it again this time he was much more violent and much more threatening, when I asked him why he was doing this he simply said " You know exactly why." I was baffled and angry because no I absolutely did not know why but in insight I realize now that what he meant was that he was simply doing it because I let him. He had seen me blame myself, keep quiet, move on and forgive him, he knew how much I valued him and used it against me. Your husband is doing the same to you, he knows what he is doing is wrong but you let him get away with it, you need to stop, pack your bag and leave. If your husband can't control his sexual pulsions he has a problem and no I wouldn't trust him around your children either.

Yes, you think you know him enough to know he won't ever touch them but can you be absolutely certain and are you really willing to take the risk? ( Saying this as someone whose father used to be really abusive (physically and sexually) towards her mother and then went on to abusing other women and sexually assaulting teenagers. She too thought he was great when she met him and that he would change but he never did and just went worse as time went by. Please don't put up with his shit and expose your children to that. )

Op my heart breaks for you, I can see how much you clearly love your husband! It isn't fair, you loved your life, your home, your little family, a loving husband who cares deeply for you, is a wonderful Father and a great guy to be around.

You have built your idyllic family life like a fortress in your mind. Every time your husband has abused you, its like a bulldozer has knocked down a wall to your fortress. You keep trying to rebuild the walls, but every time he hurts you again your fortress collapses. When your husband worked on not abusing you, you carefully rebuilt your walls. Only for him to abuse you again, causing the bulldozer to flatten every single wall and the foundations are cracked beyond repair.

You desperately want your fortress back, the great husband and wonderful Father. Only every brick of your fortress has crumbled and the cracked foundations are so badly cracked that no matter what you try, you and your children are exposed and vulnerable to danger.

The happy family you think you had has crumbled because it was all a sham! The truth of who your husband truly is, was hidden from you, so the foundations that build your love, relationship and marriage on were all a lie.

Can you honestly say that you feel safe closing your eyes at night? Don't you ever wonder if he has slipped something into your drink, that will leave you completely unconscious and unaware of what he has been doing? Would you be happy for your teenage daughter/ niece/ sister/ best friend to sleep in the same bed or room as your husband? What would happen if your children woke up and came into your room whilst he was abusing you?

The love you felt for your husband, is a lie! The man you fell in love with never existed. He is a sham, he only pretended to be the wonderful husband and father. He has shown you who he truly is! He was a wolf hiding in sheep's clothing! The man you love is no more. He has shed his mask now, you can't go back to pretending he is a sheep again! Not now you know the danger he is to you, and your daughters, and to other women! Your husband has a compulsion, if he is not getting that with you, he will look for it elsewhere. How will you feel when the police come to the door to charge him with rape, or with accessing illegal pornography. How will you protect your children then?! How will you live with yourself knowing that by going to the police you could have stopped him raping another woman?

I came here looking for understanding. Not criticism for not doing as you are telling me to do. I am in a terrible situation.

By choice. You are staying in this terrible situation of your own free will.

Guys, I would advise you conserve your energy here.

The OP has made her choice. Don't give more of yourself emotionally than will be appreciated.

Truly the most saddest and most shocking thread I've ever read on here.

OP, I know you love him but you must truly HATE what he does to you, you must, no matter how much love you have for him.

I just can't get my head around allowing a man to sleep next to me who waits until I am asleep then removes my clothes and takes pics not just of my breasts but my fanny too and videos it for other's enjoyment, how the fuck can that be forgiven - must be very hard though to come to terms with the fact that your husband is sexually abusing you, I'd actually be more worried about all the other perverts that are getting off on watching these videos, what he is doing is criminal and he should be charged for the sake of decency and what is right and wrong.

He knows perfectly well what he is doing, he's been doing it for ages, and even at the OPs request, continues to abuse her.

I really hope that fogs lifts OP and you start to see things for what they are and actually do something about it, forcing him out your home would be a start, and then, if he can actually show you that he has had help and is cured (highly unlikely) then you may consider a reconcile, but only then.

Carrying on as you are is basically accepting the abuse, I feel so sad for you and your girls, you do not have to live this way.

"On average, a woman will leave an abusive relationship seven times before she leaves for good"

Leaving isn't easy. Let's not blame the OP for not doing it on our schedule.

She has enough going on without the anger and blame and reproach from this thread.

There's a reason that helplines, charities etc don't behave like this to the women that they help.

It would not be the OP that should leave, as always, a consequence should be forthcoming, in other words, boot him out.

I am angry because there are two young vulnerable girls there also; they don't have a choice if he decides to video them too as they grow.

I am, and I am sure everyone else is saying exactly what they would say to a good friend, or a daughter, or any other female they care about.

Oh Lolly I have no advice to offer. Well, actually I do, in spades. But you just won't listen to it. And I'm not going to waste my time and yours trying to convince you of something you should already be aware of.

My heart goes out to you. It really does. You must be in such a low place to allow anyone to do this to you. Your pathetic excuse for a husband is the scum of the earth.

OP, you have asked people not to mention the possibility that he might start abusing your children too, that's fair enough. And I understand it's best to focus on the absolutely horrible situation you have been and the abuse you are going through. It is really disturbing. However, the reality of the situation also includes your children. They live with you. They live with a sexual abuser. It doesn't matter that he doesn't do it to them. They still live with that abuse. What do you think about that? Protecting your self should be enough but I know from experience it's not so easy to leave when you're being abused as you're being emotionally abused too. But is protecting your children enough? They are growing up living in an abusive environment. That isn't about him directly abusing them but the current reality that you know is happening. Also if you had a friend who you had found was a sex offender and had been sexually abusing their spouse for years, would you let them near your children? Would you let them in your house and trust them to look after your children? If not then why do you see your husband as any different? I am not suggesting he has or will do anything to them exactly, I am literally just stating what your current situation is.

I'm sorry for everything you've been through. It's horrific. Once you are away from an abusive person it makes it a lot easier and you start to think more clearly. You need to do this asap as you are being manipulated to keep accepting the abuse and to stay. I was in an abusive relationship and he actually left/discarded me because I couldn't put up with it any more. At first I was devastated and suicidal as I was so brainwashed but the more time went on the easier it got. My situation was different but I'm just saying I understand it's hard to leave but trust me that is the only way, it's like you're brainwashed and in a cult of one so to speak.

You need to be strong and just get out of that environment and go no contact urgently. You will look back and see things more clearly. You need to save yourself. I think you are split in two and you need to not listen to the part of you which wants to stay in denial because of manipulation/emotional abuse. You also need to save your children. So they no longer care growing up in an abusive household. Trust me I know from experience they will likely have issues from it and could develop complex PTSD. Kids pick up on these things. The longer you leave it the worse it will be for you and your children.

I meant to say it doesn't matter if he doesn't abuse them too.. Just saying. I'm not saying he is but we don't know for sure it's just true that the likelihood does increase that he sexually abuses you. But anyway the rest of my post still stands.

Your husband is a sex offender. He will always be a sex offender. As it stands, he also knows that you will always put up with his sexual abuse and will not leave him. Therefore, he just has to make the right noises (I'm so sorry, I'll go for counselling, I don't understand why I do it...Blah blah blah) and you'll have a row, maybe kick him out for a couple of hours but eventually everything will go back to normal and his access to his sexual abuse victim will be restored (if it was even withdrawn in the first place). This will go on FOREVER unless YOU stop it. He will never put an end to this because it suits him down to the ground. If he cared about you enough to change then he wouldn't be assaulting you in the first place.

You're saying that people are painting him as a stereotypical abuser - HE IS! This is pretty much textbook. You can substitute the particular acts of abuse he is committing for other types of assault, but his behaviour in general is not unusual for an abuser.

I'm sorry to be harsh and I know you're hurting but you need to be a mother. Forget about your husband for a second, you have got your children living with a sex offender. Are you honestly OK with that?

I know my family. I know my children. He has not gone near them. Please stop with that talk

I am sorry OP but it took you 10 years to find out what he was doing to you. You absolutely cannot be sure what he is getting up to. You do not know what goes on in his mind.

Y'know what OP I was sexually assaulted a and raped, and despite family etc trying to convince me to drop it,i went through with the case; to show at a young age I could take the stand and stick up for all the women who'd been abused out there. I thought if they saw a young girl going through with it, other women would come forward and report or have the courage to leave their abusive sexual relationships/encounters.

It RIPPED MY WORLD APART, but would I go back and change it? NO

My point being, you say you love him;but someone who loves you would not do this

He'll go to counselling whatever but months down the line he'll do it again, it'll continue a day it'll get worse each time

I have a son,and if I knew he was doing this to a partner, girlfriend, wife or husband then that'd be it

Stand up for yourself, you know it's wrong otherwise you wouldn't have started the thread. Think about your children and your reaction if they was in this situation..

Would you be happy to tell them to stick at it because they love their partner?

If the answer is no, then you have a lot of thinking to do and need to take a step forward

I'd say I feel for you, but at the age of just turned 16 I knew NO has the right to take advantage of me

Have some respect you both know it's wrong, I don't want to read another thread where it has escalated, which it will :(

nobody had the right

Lolly, you're right in that you may read these answers and see people assuming your dh is a "stereotypical abuser" who is awful and doesn't love your etc.

But I need to tell you, as a woman who's left an abusive dh: abusive people are actually nice most of time.

It's my belief that they do often love their partner.

But the problem is that they don't know how to love like a normal, non abusive person. They learned very very early on that the way you love someone is to hurt them so that they are weakened and cannot leave. They learn love, but within their definition of love, is an aspect of brutal control.

They can't help themselves and may even realize that they are doing wrong - BUT - they can't change. that's just how they are.

And the painful truth is that their partners need to choose who is more important: is it more important for the abuser to keep having someone who will take the abuse? Or is it more important for the victim to get away and live free of abuse?

The thing that clinched it for me, when I left my marriage: I realized that, as long as I was there to take the abuse, I was actually making it impossible for my dh to make a change in himself.

I was making it possible for him to keep believing/lying to himself that the abuse was ok. As long as I was in his life, I was responsible for the abuse in that I was saying to him, "it's ok, you can keep doing these things, you don't have to change".

HIS only chance was ME leaving and not looking back.

As long as I stayed in the marriage, I was effectively making it impossible for him to change.

Sad but true.

It was wrenching to leave him, I fought with myself about it, I really did. But in the end, I realized I had to be the brave one and take action for the good of me, my dh, and the dc who were learning dreadful things by being in the home and learning the dynamic (and that dynamic INCLUDES the times that he was nice to me - because the "being nice" parts were, I see now, just part of how he kept me at bay, confused, telling myself he wasn't all bad).

Think it through Lolly. Please love. I think you need to make a plan to leave. This can't carry on. It's hurting everyone - you, the DC, and yes I include him in that, as unpopular as that may seem in such a thread.

We have a meeting with a counselor on Friday. Together. I know the together part is not going to be a popular choice but that is what I want. I need to hear him tell his story and know what he is saying to her is truthful.
I will be asking about separate sessions after the first one but with this, I need to be there with him. For me.

He needs psychiatric help, not 'counselling'. I really hope the counsellor can point him in the right direction for the sake of everyone's safety, of women in general.

He doesn't have a mental health condition that is fixable by talking it out. He has a powerful sexual fetish/Deviance/desire that he cannot control.

Be honest with this counsellor for the sake of your safety

I don't get why he doesn't move out?
If he's so determined to fix himself, leave, fix it, come back.
Until then all he's doing is lipservice.

Manipulators will lie, even to a counsellor. They weave a sob story they even seem to believe themselves. However they know exactly what they are doing, pretending to be a respectable person when they are a sexual deviant - it's deliberate.

I can lay a bet on he will cry a lot and bring up other topics to distract from this issue, and that is how he will manipulate it.

I have personal experience of a relative who even when confronted with the law and psychiatric treatment did this repeatedly to manipulate their way out of addressing it.