Husband photographing me while asleep

[Lollyz02]

Ok I have seen this posted here before so I thought there may be some useful tips out there for me.
I have been with my husband for over 13 years. For as long as I can remember he has always had a high sex drive. Caught him looking at porn a few times and constantly saying we don't do it enough. About a year ago he took photos of me while I was sleeping. My breasts and my downstairs area. He also touched me down there and masturbated. I pretended out of shock to stay asleep for most of it. I "woke up" eventually and confronted him and he was very apologetic. Saying he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah. Since then it has happened a few more times. I have got mad at him over and over again but he is always so down and apologetic I always let it go. Over the last 6 months I have had an increase in my sex drive (I went off contraceptives for medical reasons, we are using condoms). So we have been having sex more often and being a bit more adventurous. The other night he did it again! This time videoing me! Also I noticed he joined up a website looking for a threesome! I thought once we were having sex more often these tendencies would end :(

I don't like the way everyone is assuming he has/will touch my children

Probably because this 'man' has no self control.
He has it in his head that touching you whilst you sleep is a turn on. So he does it.
He has it in his head that photographing you whilst ypou sleep is a turn on.
So he does it.

If he got it in his head that he'll try it with the kids, he would. He wouldn't control himself, he'd do it. Just as he has repeatedly to you.
Why would he stop? Why wouldn't he followmhis whims?
You've allowed him to.

Yes you've shouted moaned blah blah.
But you're still there.

He's gotten away with it time and time again. The times you catch him, he still gets away woith it. So why wouldn't he just follow whatever his dick says to him?

I wonder, how does it feel OP? To be less important to him than a few inches of flesh? How does it feel to think your kids are less important than his shrivelled penis? How does it feel to know that you matter less to someone than a few seconds of jerking off? Is it nice?
Is it good to think you're kids are living in the same space as a sexual abuser?
Is this what you dreamt of as a child?

"One day in want to live with someone who ignores my wishes and sexually abuses me for his own enjoyment."

This post may have come across harsh but I hope you see where. Am coming from.

To the poster that says we should support, have you ready the bloody thread? pages and pages of support actually.

My worry is young girls under that roof with a sexual predator.

OP, the videoing, do you think it's just for his viewing pleasure because I'd put money on them being shared, it's all part of the thrill, why else would he video you, think about it, I am sure you are still reading.

Oh OP. You silly silly woman.

How are you going to feel when one of your children tells you that daddy has been "doing something weird to them".? When you find pictures of your vagina online? When he actually fully rapes you?

You should be ashamed that you are still with this monster. Leave. For you and the children.

Also, you know how wrong this is. Otherwise you would have confided in your friends and not an online forum.

Lolly, would you consider as a next step telling someone in real life? I think it is very important for you to have someone to talk to, and to go to if you need a safe place. I know you said your sister is going through a break-up so it is not great timing, but surely she would want to help you with an issue as hard as this?

Also, upthread someone else suggested dividing what you would have to do in order to leave in small bits and taking them one at a time. Again, a friend or relative who could help you deal with that in real life would be really valuable.

Finally, do you think that you need to leave him? If you do, then don't be derailed by your own feelings of missing him into going straight back. Stay away, get some distance from the situation, look after the children, see how you feel. Doing the right thing doesn't always feel right, especially not straightaway.

I also think some of these responses are overly harsh. As said, the accusations he's a paedophile (or whatever the age correct term) are the most concerning, and I agree the op needs support not a total slaughtering.

Yes, your husband taking explicit pics without your permission is sick. Although I do wonder why you went along with it and pretended sleep. And allowed it to happen several times. Did you mistakenly think it meant he wanted you? He also assaulted you in anger.

For me you come across as the victim of abuse, one where the person abused falls in love with their abuser. Thinking in some way it makes them special. That they were picked for the abuse, that he loves you so much he can't stop himself. It is bullshit, he's sick in the head and he's treating you like a piece of meat. People in loving relationships do not do stuff like he does. Because respect is part of a loving relationship. But it's more than that, if you love someone, you simply don't want to do to them what he does to you.

I'd examine my wider relationship, because I suspect there is more wrong than you've let on, which is leading to uour low self esteem and uour acceptance of this.

Lolly, You do need to speak to some RL professionals;
Could you your WA or equivalent & ask for advice?
Please can you wear tight boxer shorts in bed, at least there is nothing to photograph & he will wake you when pestering.
Tell him to keep his fucking hands off you until you find a councillor.
It often takes more than one attempt to leave an abuser

I think all the paedoaphile posts are unhelpful and divert off the reality of what's happening right now.

As they are purely speculative they are easily dismissed and actually weaken the strength of reaction against the ordeal the OP is going through right now.

I know this as when I was trapped in an abusive relationship and started to tell people, they more exaggerated 'what if what if what if' stuff was incredibly alienating and made everything else they said less credible, even though with hindsight they did said things that made sense.

Anyway. Don't feel you can't post because you aren't doing what posters want you to do. People have their own timescales and thresholds for making big decisions that will change their lives. Especially when they are trapped inside relationships with abusive dynamics. When the person you love behaves in a way that is beyond anything explainsjlenor understandable, it warps everything. It's so hard to get through all that tangled thinking & wrong perspectives when you're living in it day and night.

I am worried about you going for joint counselling though.

Leaving aside that for the moment, i think it would really help you to go for some counselling by yourself, to give yourself a no pressure environment to work out what you want and where you're boundaries are in all this. A counsellor won't persuade you to do anything you don't want. And it strikes me you need the space

"Although I do wonder why you went along with it and pretended sleep. And allowed it to happen several times."

It's completely understandable. Freezing is a perfectly normal response to something bad happening.

It's shock and its fear. It's certainly not secretly wanting it or agreeing with it.

Also when you have no idea what will happen if you change the dynamics of the situation, it can feel like massively risky behaviour to confront the aggressor mid-act. Then when you've frozen for a while, it's really hard to unfreeze.

For people to keep on questioning it is rather victim blame-y. Which is not in the slightest bit helpful.

Completely agree Miscellaneous

The kicking off this abused woman, may be well intended, but not helpful either.

You need to get some therapy for yourself, OP. For some reason you are accepting sexual abuse over and over again. I actually can understand why. I have at a few points in my life accepted repeated abuse. Ultimately though you need to work through your reasons for staying, and find a way to deal with your own issues so that you don't pass them onto your kids. Once you have resolved your issues you won't feel compelled to stay with an abuser.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. No one should stay a minute longer with their abuser when they realise they are being abused, but many of us do. Good luck.

Don't know if this rings any bells.

I'm not excusing him. There is no excuse for what he's doing. You need counselling /therapy alone, not with an abuser.

I'm sorry I'm not behaving the way you all want me to. I came here looking for understanding. Not criticism for not doing as you are telling me to do. I am in a terrible situation. It was never going to be simple.

I get it OP, and please don't think I am cricising you because I have the utmost sympathy for you. Honestly.

But, and it's a big but. you know that when he does it again, and still you stay, there is a voice in your husband's head that says' She said she would leave. But she is staying. That means she LIKES it! She can't tell me she likes it but clearly she does, otherwise she would leave!' So he will leave it a bit. Then unable to believe his luck, as by staying you have sanctioned his desire, he will do it again. And every time you don't leave he gets more happy and confident. That is the issue.

I understand. Really I do.
I have just seen the way this post has snowballed and I want to keep it on track.
He knows 100% that I don't like it but he also knows that I still 100% love him. Maybe that plays on his mind also.

He 100% knows he can do it time and time again and you'll take him back!
He goes to therapy to appease you...... so what?! He goes, pays lip service, shares your bed and rapes and sexually abuses you time and time again.
The only way it will stop will be to leave. But you know this.

You have all painted a picture of him as the stereotypical abuser. He just isn't and no I'm not blind. I see very clearly. I'm not defending him but I need you guys to also see that he has made efforts to stop. Not entirely and it's not perfect.
He wants to be better. We talk about it all the time. Almost every day this is a topic of conversation. It's not like I'm completely in the dark. This is not a lifetime movie, we are real people in a tough situation.
I do thank you all for you input. From an outsider perspective this must be very frustrating. I am listening to all you say. It does weigh on my mind.

He is a stereotypical abuser....he preys on you when you are at your most vulnerable.....asleep. You can't fight back initially, you are unconscious and he is filming himself having sexual with you.

If he has sexual urges he could have a wank like most men.

You may love him 100%, but do you really think he loves you 100%?

he has made efforts to stop
he wants to be better

If he wanted to stop, he would.
If he wanted to be better, he would be.

Unless he's saying he's addicted to abusing you and he can't help himself?
If that's the case, if he claims he loves you, then why isn't he moving out? Refusing to sleep in the same room? Not abusing you whilst you sleep?

Some of the comments on here are really aggressive and unpleasant - it's an absolutely horrible situation, but what is the point of kicking the op when she is down?
OP - I'm sure you know how wrong his behaviour is, and I hope you find the strength to deal with it. Keep posting.

OP, you say he wants to be better, and he doesn't sexually assault you for months at a time until he relapses, and always feels terrible about it. You say that he knows you love him but not what he does. You say he knows all of this is unacceptable (although your behaviour shows it is acceptable, as you have accepted it fot years, but anyhoo).

If he wants so desperately to stop sexually assaulting you and to be the man and husband and father you want him to be.

If he so badly wants to stop but is still relapsing (note that I'm using your words, not the words I would normally use to describe any of this), do you think maybe his desire to do this is stronger than his desires to stop/be a good man/etc?

If his desire to sexually assault you is so strong he can't fully stop, can he ever really stop? He's been in counselling for long enough to have developed strategies to stop doing this, if he truly truly wanted to stop it. But maybe he just wants too badly to be doing this to you.

OP if you can't bring yourself to look at his behaviour in this then take a look at yours at least.

Try and answer these questions HONESTLY.

Do you go to bed feeling safe and comfortable every night?
Do you trust your husband to always do right by you no matter what he might want?
Could you 100% say that the two times he's been caught since your original post are the ONLY times he's done something against your will?
If you had a friend over to stay would you feel certain your husband wouldn't do similar things to them given the option?

If you answer No to even one of those questions you really need to ask yourself if living like this is what you want?

If he wanted to stop, he'd stop.

I remember your thread from last year. He was a creepy fucker then, he's a creepy fucker now, and he'll ALWAYS be a creepy fucker.

Either leave, or get sexually assaulted in your sleep for the rest of your life. They're your choices.

HOW can you love this man? He can't love you?

He takes photograph OF YOUR FANNY when you're asleep.

This shouldn't even have got to the point of 'I've asked him not to do it', let alone forgiving him the 2nd 3rd 4th etcetc time.

He FILMS you, when you are ASLEEP.

He is absolutely THE MOST stereotypical abuser! Got you exactly where he wants you, and abuses you when you are at your most vulnerable.

You don't need to want to be better and shouldn't need to try not to take explicit photographs of your SLEEPING WIFE. And post them online (course he does).

I half want to shake you and half want to give you a hug.

Get ANGRY woman! And kick him into touch. Also, report him to the police. This is your real life, yes. A
Life where the person you should be able to trust the most abuses you in one of the worst possible ways. He is SICK. Not curable sick - he has this pervertedness in him, and it won't go away.

When you have something an exploitative person wants they will tell you exactly what you want to hear in order to get it. They have a knack for knowing what you need to hear to feel valued because they have studied you and others like you who do not place enough value on themselves. They know your insecurities, they know how to make you feel reassured and fabulous. It's deliberate calculation.
It's super creepy but all the 'I love you', 'I really care for you', 'I'm devoted to you' declarations are pretence - so you will be putty in their hands and give them what they want. They are expert manipulators.