Husband photographing me while asleep

[Lollyz02]

Ok I have seen this posted here before so I thought there may be some useful tips out there for me.
I have been with my husband for over 13 years. For as long as I can remember he has always had a high sex drive. Caught him looking at porn a few times and constantly saying we don't do it enough. About a year ago he took photos of me while I was sleeping. My breasts and my downstairs area. He also touched me down there and masturbated. I pretended out of shock to stay asleep for most of it. I "woke up" eventually and confronted him and he was very apologetic. Saying he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah. Since then it has happened a few more times. I have got mad at him over and over again but he is always so down and apologetic I always let it go. Over the last 6 months I have had an increase in my sex drive (I went off contraceptives for medical reasons, we are using condoms). So we have been having sex more often and being a bit more adventurous. The other night he did it again! This time videoing me! Also I noticed he joined up a website looking for a threesome! I thought once we were having sex more often these tendencies would end :(

Please keep wearing pyjamas...... he won't stop, he gets off on it

I will continue to wear pajamas. I've told the counselor that I will not tollerate it. Not even when drunk or just a little or with all the excuses. He heard me. She heard me. You are hearing me.
Can I just pray it doesn't come to that?

Glad counsellor was clear with him on illegality.

How do you know your children are safe, OP?!

I see a few futures here.

1. he stops, everything is great.
2. he doesn't stop, gets caught, op moans but continues allowing it.
3. he doesn't stop, he's just more careful and doesn't get caught as often.

As its a sexual thril for him that he's been allowed to pursue I would strongly suggest number 1 is the absolute least likely.

But, good luck op. Stay safe.
I hope you have the strength to listen and leave if your kids tell you that he's touched them.
I also hope you have the strength to listen to your kids when their adult relationships are as twisted as the one they've grown up with.

I'm surprised you got anywhere near the issue in one session of counselling. Having done couples counselling myself, it took several sessions for the main issues to be brought up and we never got down to tackling anything in any depth before we decided to call it a day.

If you are both serious about saving your marriage I think you need to be committed to much more than a one-off or 'sporadic' sessions. What good is that going to do?

Why are you still with this perv? And even asking advise about it.. Surely you know what to do?! He's a perv looking at you and taking pics, videoing you probably putting them on the web for gross other pervs to see and not only that he's !!!! Masturbating while doing it!!! Wtf!! You have 2 children to protect!!! forget the perv who seems to be a top bloke and a good paid job and funny and all that bloody crap.. Look what they said about Fred And Rose West... Fabulous couple and so funny great people apparently!! Gobsmacked when they found out he used to get turned on by snatching prostitutes and raping them then murdering them and burying them oh and let's not forget he raped and murdered his own daughter, made her pregnant and then cut her up and put her in the walls of his house and plastered it up.... Yeah nice bloke... Fantastic!!... Do you see where I'm coming from... Most pervs act over the top anyway and your kids are more important than your Pervy husband being all gross and Pervy with you. I mean he expected you to have a 3 some without asking you or he was going to have a 3 some with out you... What is the perv on! I'm utterly surprised when I see threads like these.. Like you have no idea what to do.. You have kids they are number 1, you are number 2, get out! Like he won't change probably say he will just for the councillor but really think about it he won't change guaranteed! And your poor kids could be abused or he may have even taken pics of them and done the same thing and you not even know about it!

OP I hope this is resolved, if it's not and it happens again what will you do?

It's really your husband who needs counselling on his own to address why he feels he has a right to abuse you in this manner and why he clearly didn't see any harm in it.

Somewhere along the lines he has lost respect for you as a person. That's clear from how he was treating you but also the fact that he had to hear it from someone else, like your feelings and opinions just weren't important enough for him to take them into consideration.

You shouldn't have to wear PJs if you don't particularly like them, you should be able to sleep safely and comfortably in your own bed. I hope he realises how much trust has been lost and that only he can rebuild it.

You said a few weeks ago "he 100% knows I don't like it."

And he 100% doesn't give a shit if you like it or not. Because he likes it.

He doesn't care because his needs are more important than your need to be safe.

He doesn't love you, respect you, or even like you enough to stop sexually assaulting you.

And he knows he doesn't need to stop. Because you 100% love him and continue to forgive him. So why should he stop?

Does he still sound like a nice man now?

Tbh it wouldn't surprise me if the fact ( of course he already knew ) he's been told it's illegal, will be all the more thrill for him to do it. Because it doesn't just stop...it gets worse

I can't believe you'd put up with this for the future? Why should you have to wear pj's that you don't want to wear, in the hopes that he won't touch you?!

Let's face it, you said you'd leave if he did it again, and he did do it and you went running back

The fact your willing to stay with this pervert, when you should be getting him out, or leaving with your children

Again I still can't understand how you "100% love" this vile man after him doing this to you.

Knocks me sick

He admitted sexually abusing you in front of a counsellor? I assume she discussed confidentiality and being duty bound to report any disclosures about illegal acts?

Do not wait for your children to be abused by this weirdo of a man! You have proof to leave him now before it gets worse. You say he doesn't care of what you think or your feelings but you obviously don't care of your children's well being and their feelings if anything happened to them. Your the victim and so are you children! Get out now!! And involve the police.. Once they have him in record and he does something to someone else or their kids it will all be recorded! But don't wait for it to happen because that's cruel on your kids!

What if he turns his gross Pervy feelings towards your kids now he knows you won't put up with it??!! This is the last time I reply on this thread it's most bizarre and cannot understand you tbh. I feel so sorry for your children to have 1 Pervy parent who gets off on being a gross individual and expects everyone to allow him to do this and yourself as a parent that your not protecting your children against something that could happen and putting your feelings before theirs. Your disgusting and so is the perv!

If I found this out as an adult,that my mum kept us in a house with the father doing these disgusting things to my mum and putting me and my sibling at potential risk of having the same done to us, you could bet your arse, our relationship would be over

I wish to god that counsellor reports you both to the child safety authorities; you are allowing this to happen OP; it's not new, he's been doing it to you long enough now for you to know it's him and it's not right but still you persist in helping him, and in a sense letting him know it's not that bad! And yes OP, your videos are being shared amongst other disgusting perverts just like your OH,, that's nice for you and your kids to come across in the future isn't it.

Stop putting this fucked up man who does not want help before the protection of your children and your self for that matter, fgs, are you going to actually wait until he moves onto the girls?

Vile is the only word I can think of when I think of not just him, but you too, wearing pyjamas is your answer to this, I mean really?

Lolly please could you arrange to see the counsellor on your own so you can explore your own thoughts on this.

Oh Dinner wind your neck in.

I hope it's the magic wand you so want lolly I really do.

We'll be here, should you need to talk.

Lolly, I urge you to seek individual counselling. Joint counselling with an abuser is NOT recommended and I am amazed that the counsellor, hearing his admission, went along wit it.

You can choose to stay, and hope and pray that his attention doesn't turn to your children (especially as they hit puberty). you can continue to lay yourself out as bait and convincing yourself that this is at all normal or acceptable, or even a practical way to keep your children safe. He has done such a number on you, that you just cannot see what everyone else is screaming at you and that is quite understandable- you are a victim here. You are brainwashed.

But know this- the only way that you can be certain of keeping yourself and your children safe from this predatory, persistent sexual attacker is to LEAVE, or to have him leave. It's a hell of a lot safer option that the 'lying still pretending to be asleep with fingers crossed', or locking the children in their bedrooms. It's time to be a parent for your children. You need a wake up call, and if what has happened so far doesn't wake you up, then goodness knows what will. Social Services or the police will be the next thing, I expect, because behaviour like this does not just stop with a little counselling session and a slap on the wrist. good luck- I hope I'm wrong, but I suspect you're going to need it.

He needs a specialist therapist, not joint couples therapy? I'm quite sure a general therapist wont have that much experience on how to deal with a sexual predator.

I wouldn't be surprised if social services have already been spoken too, therapists can report/break code if they fear children may get hurt.
Just be ready for the door to knock. Good luck op stay safe x

I have to agree with the posters in regards to the counselling, an I'm really shocked she still went ahead after his admission. You also really need to think about your children in this, I'm surprised if social services don't get involved.

Although it's happening to you ( for the time being) it's going to damage your children in the long run.

Please think long and hard ! This is really worrying and you're choosing to stay put

Just read the whole thread.

Lolly, what do you gain from posting about this? You're clear you don't want to leave, that he's no risk, essentially it seems to boil down to you'd rather he didn't do his thing but you're willing to pay that price to have the rest of the relationship.

So why is it you want to share what he does here? It's clear you know exactly what will be said, and it's not advice you want. But you're still posting to invite it.

Are you hoping for enough encouragement to be able to overcome your fear to leave?
Are you fighting with your own denial and the reality check here helps?
A harsher but honest question: is being his victim in some way meeting your need? It is not difficult to get sucked into codependency with a partner acting abusively.

And to be clear, that's not intended to criticise or discourage you from posting, please post, please talk about this as long as it takes. Just to ask what you're looking for and what helps.

This thread makes me feel sick.

You might love him OP but your children have the right not to live with an abuser.

I'm not going to be straight with you - You have a duty to your child - your children are at risk - at the very least of emotional harm.

I feel sorry for your kids OP. I really do. A father who sexually assaults the mother and who bruises her is not a good father .

You need to start putting your kids first above your anxieties of being on your own.

Why would he stop though? All he gets is a telling off and then you're right back in bed with him and all is well. Of course he won't stop. You can say you'll leave him all you want, he knows now that you won't. And he's not even remotely sorry. If he was then he would never have done it again, nor would he have progressed to videoing it.

You know what? I would bet that he'll get sick of you arguing about it and just drug you to sleep then he can do whatever he wants and take pictures, video it, hell he might even invite the neighbours round for a live screening coz all's he going to get is a telling off and sent to the therapist again for another 'oh i'm so sorry' bullshit apology when you find out. HE WILL NOT STOP.

I feel sad for you and your kids, no-one deserves this.

Sparkly I actually hope social services get involved.

Don't get me wrong , I'm empathic ... I nurse women who have been or are being abused so I know categorically that these children are at risk at the very least , of emotional harm.

These children are not emotionally or physically safe.