Been stupid again

[messyoldmess]

As some of you will know, my H & I decided to separate back in June, but he refused to leave the house, so we have been stuck in limbo for quite a while now.
A few weeks ago I went out with some friends & a bloke came up & chatted to me. He asked if I was single & I explained my situation to him. He told me he separated from his wife back in March & asked if I wanted to meet up for a drink some time.
I told him that I couldn't atm because of circumstances, but that I would consider it at some point & I went & gave him my mobile number, as he seemed a nice chap & I thought that one day I may take him up on his offer of a drink.
I know this was stupid, but he seemed to be a nice bloke & I thought it would be harmless (although NOT yet!)
Well, just before Christmas he went & text me wishing me a merry Christmas & giving me his text number. I didn't reply to that text, but today he text me again asking if I got his text & I replied & told him I had and that I may be happy to meet him for a drink in time, but not until things were sorted here.
He text back saying he looked forward to it, but knew it was difficult for me.

Anyway, I went for a bath & left my phone on the side. H then said to me "You don't want to leave your phone around because you never know what people may read."
I immediately knew what he had seen & went down to my phone to see it left on the message from this bloke.
I told him nothing had gone on, but that he was a nice chap who I would have a drink with when the time was right, but there has been no physical contact (which there hasn't) at all, just a conversation.
He has asked when this happened & if my sister knew about it.
I just feel sick with everything & know I was bad. It was just nice to meet a man who seemed nice & didn't just want to take me home & get his way with me.
I know I am bad & fully understand how wrong I am. I am just feeling a bit crap & needed to get it off my chest on MN.

Hi, NMOM. Sorry to hear you are in a similar situation, it's not good is it??
We may well have chatted in the past. I have posted on & off about my relationship problems for the past 2 years & used several different nicknames in that time!
Hope all improves for you in 2007.

messy, it may not feel like it but getting angry with him is a good (imho). Hope you can bottle that emotion and use it as a motivator

Happy New Year

I shouldn't have mentioned that about one of his friends, but he just pushed me an inch too far last night!
It has to go down as the most miserable New Year ever!
I was down here crying at midnight, listening to fireworks going off outside.

Hope you had a good one, winnie & I hope this year is a happy one for you, as you have been through a lot.

Thanks messy.
I am feeling quite positive today

Good!

Why shouldn't you have mentioned about his friend? I can't understand why you didn't tell him about it at the time. His friend is betraying his trust in approaching you and their friendship is based on false foundations. The friend is a creep.

H needs to know about the friend and that other men find you attractive, as it might lead him to stop trying to put you down all the time.

Use last night as a spur to a new life in 2007. I bet you anything you like that on NYE 2007 you will be in a completely different place, in every sense of the word.

When is your appointment with your solicitor so that you can instruct him to issue proceedings?

It must be very upsetting to have to live under the same roof as someone you'd rather be away from. Under the circumstances you're being very restrained. The sooner he leaves the better for everyone - him included. He's a control freak and he's lost you - it's obviously eating him up which is why he's being so horrible. No wonder you felt upset last night - as other people have said, this is a stressful time of year for lots of people - everyone is focussed on family, friends and having a good time. Those for whom life isn't so rosy can feel even more marginalised than usual. Next week, when life returns to 'normal' and people are back in circulation again I'm sure you'll feel better. I don't think it helps that the weather was so grey and miserable over Christmas. Hope 2007 is good for you.

NewMoonOnMonday - that goes for you, too!

Thank you both for your messages.

I didn't mention anything about H's friend before last night, as it is not a nice thing to hear about your friend & H would have gone mad!
This incident was on an occasion (think it may have been my birthday w/e) when I wanted to go out for once, but H was insisting I tried to get a sitter, so that he could also go out.
I made no attempt to find a sitter, because it was my birthday & he was always out, but I just told him I couldn't find anyone to do it.
He wasn't happy & said he was letting his friend down & that if I was to see him I was to make sure I went up & told him that H was sorry & had tried his best to get out.
I went out & saw this friend out with his other friends. He said hello to me & I just said that H said sorry he couldn't get out.
The friend didn't seem bothered at all, but just said "Why is he divorcing you?!"
I told him that it wasn't a case of him divorcing me, but we have had problems that I wasn't going into.
He answered with "I would love to wake up with you! How about coming home with me tonight?!"
I said "No way!" & told him I was shocked he had just come out with that being H's friend.
He said "Come on...he doesn't need to find out!"
I said "No" & walked away.
I was shocked at this friend of H's, but thought I had best keep it to myself, as H wouldn't be happy at all!
Last night he kept on & on about this text & saying all kinds of horrible things. He then went on about how he should have always put his friends first, as friends are always there & I am a bad friend to my friend, because I am not on the phone to them enough (even though I am always texting, mailing & meeting up with friends whenever I can!), so I just flipped a bit & blurted out "Your friends aren't all so perfect..."
Hearing this wound him up further & he got nastier than ever.
I maybe shouldn't have said all that, but I had just flipped with him at that point!
It was just the worst New Year I can ever remember!

I barely exchanged any words to him this morning & he has now gone off to work.

At least you have some peace now.

Did you get my email?

Yes thanks, CQ. I have replied.

You have to get out of this mindset which means you are constantly apologising for things you "shouldn't have done/said". Nothing you have posted on here is anything which I would consider out of order, badly behaved or even reckless.

Perhaps you should start looking at what H has done/said. There is so much that he shouldn't have done said, but I bet he doesn't go round apologising every 5 seconds.

When's that solicitor's appointment?

I find it bizarre that a bloke who pisses it up the wall 6 nights out of 7 chose to be home on New Year's Eve? Did he not stay at home deliberately in order to goad you about this text message?

You kept the friend incident to yourself because you knew H would go mad and blame you, despite the fact that you had done nothing wrong (notice pattern of events here!). So now the truth is out: so what? Rather than play guessing games with him about who it was (which plays into myth that you are still involved with each other, i.e. what he wants to believe) I would tell the friend in question and tell him to come clean. You have no responsibility towards either of them.

What the hell is all this stuff about you being a bad friend, anyway? As Annie succinctly puts it: "irrelevant".

Solicitor has list. Went before Christmas, but said I didn't want letter sent out over Christmas period, because of the timing issue. Will make another appt tomorrow.

Not sure where the bad friend bit came from. I am not a bad friend to any of my friends. I may not be out all the time with them (as H is with his), but I am in contact with friends all the time & meet with them whenever I can.
He was just trying to get at me in anyway he could.

He was going to go out last night, tribpot, but changed his mind & told them I was ill. He then went on to tell me that I was to go along with this if I see them out, because he felt he had let them down. This was another thing that got his back up last night, because I said "Why should I? Why can't you just tell the truth?"
He then (at around 11.30pm, when cross) got changed & said he was going out, but didn't actually go anywhere!

That's very odd, esp given he wouldn't stay in if you actually were ill, so hardly a believable excuse for his mates? Sounds like he didn't want you to be alone with your mobile in case you got the urge to phone or text! Has he gone out since that happened?

Yes, he was out all day Saturday, drowning his sorrows! He started on about it again when he returned early Saturday evening.
He said he didn't really want to go out because he has work today, but that excuse wasn't good enough for his friends.

On about the text that is.

I suspect he didn't go out because he'd made his mind up that you had an arrangement for this "lover" to come round when he was out! He's getting his knickers in a twist because he's suddenly realised that, far from being the brow-beaten, pathetic creature he's tried to turn you into, you are actually attractive to the opposite sex and someone is interested in you. Add to that the fact that you are now available, well he's probably pissing himself. No way is he going to leave you alone to make a life for yourself - not while you're under the same roof anyway.

He's certainly not happy & keeps on making little comments.
He was trying to be nicer to me this morning, as he came down & said "You didn't have a very nice night last night, did you?"
I said "No, you were being a bast*rd."
He said "You know what I get like when I'm angry."
He said he didn't want us to split in a very bitter way!

Kind of too late for that!

Why was he angry? As far as I know, nothing had happened yesterday to make him angry. And if he's still stewing about a text you received several days ago, then he needs to look at himself.

I'm not really sure what wound him up to start with. Think it may have been me saying he should tell his friends the truth about his reasons he wasn't going out, not lye & expect me to lye to them on his behalf!
He got wound up about that & then he begun sniping about this bloody text again & then when I got very wound up with him, I mentioned his not so perfect friend & how what he did was something a lot worse than talk to me for a couple of minutes & send me a friendly text!
He went madder than mad then & threw as many nasty comments my way as he possibly could.
It has always been very rare that I would try & wind him up further, but he has been just pushing me too far over the last few days!

When he's cross, he will say all of the most hurtful things that he possibly can & will keep going & going.
I escaped from him & came downstairs last night. He was trying to call me back up so that he could carry on.