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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been stupid again

318 replies

messyoldmess · 27/12/2006 23:24

As some of you will know, my H & I decided to separate back in June, but he refused to leave the house, so we have been stuck in limbo for quite a while now.
A few weeks ago I went out with some friends & a bloke came up & chatted to me. He asked if I was single & I explained my situation to him. He told me he separated from his wife back in March & asked if I wanted to meet up for a drink some time.
I told him that I couldn't atm because of circumstances, but that I would consider it at some point & I went & gave him my mobile number, as he seemed a nice chap & I thought that one day I may take him up on his offer of a drink.
I know this was stupid, but he seemed to be a nice bloke & I thought it would be harmless (although NOT yet!)
Well, just before Christmas he went & text me wishing me a merry Christmas & giving me his text number. I didn't reply to that text, but today he text me again asking if I got his text & I replied & told him I had and that I may be happy to meet him for a drink in time, but not until things were sorted here.
He text back saying he looked forward to it, but knew it was difficult for me.

Anyway, I went for a bath & left my phone on the side. H then said to me "You don't want to leave your phone around because you never know what people may read."
I immediately knew what he had seen & went down to my phone to see it left on the message from this bloke.
I told him nothing had gone on, but that he was a nice chap who I would have a drink with when the time was right, but there has been no physical contact (which there hasn't) at all, just a conversation.
He has asked when this happened & if my sister knew about it.
I just feel sick with everything & know I was bad. It was just nice to meet a man who seemed nice & didn't just want to take me home & get his way with me.
I know I am bad & fully understand how wrong I am. I am just feeling a bit crap & needed to get it off my chest on MN.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 02/01/2007 18:12

H'okay, that's clear enough - you ARE the one doing the leaving.

Good.

tribpot · 02/01/2007 18:52

Blu - I think H wants the house sale done first, and always has done, so that he can control how much equity he 'gives' MoM, as opposed to it being legally required of him. It's something else to hold over her to ensure good behaviour.

Equally I worry whether he will change his tune when he gets the letter detailing bad behaviour on his part: "oh well I was going to give you 60% but now that you've dragged my name through the mud ... " etc.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/01/2007 18:54

Think he will always make sure the boys are ok.

OP posts:
Blu · 02/01/2007 18:59

Well, I think you said you were talking to your solicitor about what happens to the money from the house as the sale goes through, so hopefully his plan can be thwarted. I presume it will be a different solicitor handling the sale of the house for you? Is s/he familiar with what is going on? Is that something your divorce solicitor should discuss with your conveyancing solicitor?

Yes, like Trib, I hope the letter doesn't make him beyond reason and that he will honour the boys' needs.

Blu · 02/01/2007 19:02

Sorry - none of that came out quite how I meant it. His original plan - the one Tribot refers to in deciding all the settlement for himself.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/01/2007 19:09

Through all his nastiness, one thing he has always been very determined about is that his boys have a better life than he did. He has said from the beginning that whatever happens he will make sure his boys are ok.
We do have a very separate solicitor for the house sale & they are aware of our situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/01/2007 19:16

Maybe I am being naive, but I do think he will always make sure the boys are comfortable enough.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 02/01/2007 19:45

I suppose if you look at things from H's point of view he is losing control of the whole situation - must make him very uncomfortable and scared about losing contact with the boys. So even tho he's been a b*stard - in one of your better conversations you could maybe say that you feel it's important for their relationship to be maintained.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/01/2007 20:20

He has reassured me throughout all this, that he will look after me & the boys, whatever happens.
I know I have painted a picture of a monster, but he isn't all bad, he is just a very damaged man, who is the way he is because of this.
I used to think I could just understand & make it ok, and that eventually I could change him, but over the years I realised that I can't.
The reason H is so damaged is because of his hideous childhood experiences. His father was a git (although he adored him) who left his mother, commited bigomy & then took his own life when H was 14. This happened a day before H was meant to be flying out to Canada (where his dad moved) to spend summer with him.
His mother tried her best to make life ok for H, but he didn't always treat her right & resented the fact he was suddenly wearing cast off school uniforms & not being able to go on school outings because his mum couldn't afford it.
It probably accounts for why he is so materialistic as an adult.
Anyway, the point to all this is, H has always been adament his boys wouldn't live like this & that is why I do believe that he will make sure they are as ok as possible financially, even if he is a controlling git in every other way!

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/01/2007 20:33

I do understand where you are coming from re the letter though. I just hope it will be alright.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 02/01/2007 21:04

Interesting... lots of aggression is rooted in fear, isn't it?

Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/01/2007 21:24

Yes it is. For years I tried to understand H, make excuses for him & thought I could make it all better. It was noticing the effect on the children that really made me start to take action.
Last year I eventually got H to attend some much needed counselling in a last ditch attempt to save our marriage. For a month lor so I was hopeful, but it soon became apparant that nothing was going to change & it was at this point I took myself to a solicitor.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 02/01/2007 21:35

Messy old mess just about sums it up then...
You've done all you can by the sound of it - time to break free.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/01/2007 21:42

Yes it is, FP. Hard as it is, I have tried everything possible & know nothing will change long term. I am in such a terrible state so often & it's time to break free.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 02/01/2007 21:47

You know... my mum has a friend whose first husband died leaving her with 3 young children.
She met someone else and was with them 15 years but he left under acrimonious circumstances.
She says the death was easier to cope with.
Don't underestimate what you're going through.

tribpot · 02/01/2007 22:41

It's funny - only not, obviously - that H wants to compensate for his childhood materially, but not emotionally. I wonder why - because it's easier, maybe?

Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/01/2007 22:45

It is harder than hard, even though he has made life so miserable on so many occasions, he has still been a huge part of my life for 11 years & he (like everyone) has his good points as well!
Years back I know I would have given in by now & given him yet another chance, but I know I need to do this & I need to go through with this for the sake of both myself & my children.
It is giving me a bloody nervous breakdown though!

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/01/2007 22:46

I think he is just too damaged to acheive that, tribpot

OP posts:
Dinosaur · 02/01/2007 22:48

Stand tall, messyoldmess. You are doing just fine.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/01/2007 22:53

I don't feel I am doing very fine, Dinosaur! It is starting to really get on top of me a bit.
I am still sure I am doing the right thing & won't back down, but it's bloody hard!

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 02/01/2007 23:02

Am going to phone surgery again tomorrow & see if they can do anything about me being a fruitcake!

OP posts:
Floatinginthemoonlitsky · 03/01/2007 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blu · 03/01/2007 11:08

It does make sense that he will want to make sure that the boys have a roof over thier heads, and that is something he can do, and a way he can provide for them, even if he is to dmaged to be an emotionally secure parent to them. it is very sad. And i am sure that some of his behaviour at the moment is his own confusion.

He does kinow that he has been difficult to live with, as you say, he alludes to it in rows and conversations. And I can see that he does have an underlying need to see his boys grow up better than he did. But to have to relinquish his control and ownership of you, of the domain that is the house, the car, the mud on the boys shoes, the every breath you all take, is sending him into a frenzy of mixed messages.

You are doing well simply by sticking at it, MoM. I must admit that I didn't foresee (at the beginning of all this) the extended living together and his refusal to move out, and that has added so much torture to the process. No one would be able to keep calm and cool, it must be immensly distressing. I mean, bloody hell - divorce and moving house and added mental cruelty from your parents, alongside the effects of having endured his behaviour for so long is a very heavy burden. Anyone would struggle.

Freckle · 03/01/2007 12:24

My worry is that, all the while proceedings have not been issued, it is in his interest to be reasonable and generous. He probably thinks that by doing this MOM might change her mind. However, when he receives the petition, all that could change and the knives will be out.

He may decide to make MOM fight for every penny to which she is entitled. He may even decide to go for residency (as you say, he will claim he is looking out for the boys).

Given his previous behaviour, where he has said one reasonable thing (i.e. he will move in with his friend) and then done the opposite because it didn't suit him, I would not be prepared for his protestations that he will make sure the boys are all right to mean that he will make sure MOM is all right.

winnie · 03/01/2007 13:08

MOM, without wanting to worry you any more please do not assume that because h has always looked out for the boys and because he says he always will, he will. Divorce does change things and statistics are not on your side as far as men remaining in childrens lives are concerned

My soon to be x and I have a very good relationship generally (now) but I am divorcing him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour and when he received the petition it had a huge impact on him. An impact I would not have foreseen.

Please look out for yourself and the boys. X is an adult and can look after himself. He may well have never expected you to take things this far but he should never have treated you so badly in the first place.

Take care of yourself, winnie x