Been stupid again

[messyoldmess]

As some of you will know, my H & I decided to separate back in June, but he refused to leave the house, so we have been stuck in limbo for quite a while now.
A few weeks ago I went out with some friends & a bloke came up & chatted to me. He asked if I was single & I explained my situation to him. He told me he separated from his wife back in March & asked if I wanted to meet up for a drink some time.
I told him that I couldn't atm because of circumstances, but that I would consider it at some point & I went & gave him my mobile number, as he seemed a nice chap & I thought that one day I may take him up on his offer of a drink.
I know this was stupid, but he seemed to be a nice bloke & I thought it would be harmless (although NOT yet!)
Well, just before Christmas he went & text me wishing me a merry Christmas & giving me his text number. I didn't reply to that text, but today he text me again asking if I got his text & I replied & told him I had and that I may be happy to meet him for a drink in time, but not until things were sorted here.
He text back saying he looked forward to it, but knew it was difficult for me.

Anyway, I went for a bath & left my phone on the side. H then said to me "You don't want to leave your phone around because you never know what people may read."
I immediately knew what he had seen & went down to my phone to see it left on the message from this bloke.
I told him nothing had gone on, but that he was a nice chap who I would have a drink with when the time was right, but there has been no physical contact (which there hasn't) at all, just a conversation.
He has asked when this happened & if my sister knew about it.
I just feel sick with everything & know I was bad. It was just nice to meet a man who seemed nice & didn't just want to take me home & get his way with me.
I know I am bad & fully understand how wrong I am. I am just feeling a bit crap & needed to get it off my chest on MN.

(Just posted this on the pit bull terrier thread by mistake, sorry!)

But the whole 'you'll lie if I tell you' 'no I won't, just tell them the truth' opening gambit is one of two people who are still emotionally involved with each other.

I know it's incredibly easy to say, and incredibly hard to do, but you need to break that connection if H is to understand that you are separate, if not truly separated yet.

Obviously he knows all the buttons to push so it's a nightmare, but I think you responded exactly as he wanted, by engaging with him as if he had a right to be involved in your personal life.

To ignore his command to lie to his friends would have been better, and then if you ever had been in a position in the future where you would have had to lie about why he didn't go out last night (which, let's face it, who really cares about anyway) - just don't. Don't lie. It doesn't matter what he says you should do, do what the hell you want. But don't make an issue of it with him and dance to his tune as a result.

Wouldn't have thought of it like that tbh. My instant reaction to him telling me I had to tell his friends I was ill & he had to take care of the boys, was to say "Why should I lye for you?"
I didn't want to be dragged into it. He used to try & get me to lye to my mum about him working etc, so he could go out & play rather than look after DS. I am not doing it - he can sort himself out!
Hadn't thought of it as an emotional involvement thing.

It's hard. I'm sure I probably often say & do the wrong thing.

MESSY - 100% NOT criticising you for what you said (given you do enough of that yourself!) - just giving you my outsider's perspective. This man has manipulated the hell out of you for years to make you feel worthless and deserving of his treatment of you - of course you are going to respond when he barks.

I know you don't want to get dragged into his lies, and indeed why the hell should you. (I remember how you had to do it with your "H is a saint" mum as well). But you also don't need to get dragged into a discussion about not getting dragged into the lies. In my opinion. He can say what he likes - you can do what you like. End of.

No, I know, tribpot. It would be better if I could switch off from him & I didn't think you were critisising me. I just hadn't even thought of it like that. It's hard to know how you should respond at times & my head has been very messy over the last few days!
Going to make another doctors appt tomorrow.

Not sleeping at all either, so am far from top form atm!

You need to sleep - I have wicked insomnia and it's driving me insane. Have you tried any of the herbal tablets? Boots do one where you have to take 4 pills for the full dose, which makes it easier to cut down for a dose where you can still feel confident of hearing the dses in the night.

I tried one herbal brand a while back, but it didn't really work.
Thing is, I am really tired, but I just lay there tossing & turning with it all going through my head. I try & switch off, but I can't.

I know - I'm the same (albeit not with similar emotional horrors to deal with). I find the Boots brand very hit and miss, but worth a try. Also a relaxation CD; dh has one from a hypnotherapist, it's very good (I can't send it to you as it's the hypno's own tape, but there are plenty out there).

Not sure how best to turn off the endless torrent of thoughts about things to do, things to remember - some people swear by having a notebook by the bed, just write it down for the list so you know you won't forget?

Exercise in the evening is probably a bit of a tricky one? Maybe yoga/relaxation exercises you can do in the bedroom?

Haven't tried the Boots ones, so may give them a go. I had some from the health shop. I am so tired, but I put off going to bed because I know I'll just lay there awake thinking about everything. Everything seems even worse at night because there are no distractions.

Deffo try a relaxation CD - maybe something like this - and something like camomile tea?

That looks interesting, tribpot - anything's worth a try!

"I'm sure I probably often say & do the wrong thing."

Why?? Why are you sure? Because he has made you think that you do this. Not because you do. It is part of his manipulation and control over you.

Stop thinking that you might be doing or saying the wrong thing. Just be yourself and ignore whatever he says, because, whatever he says, he says to serve his own purpose, not because it's true.

Please have more faith in yourself. Hard to do when you've had years of being put down (not just by H but by your parents too - who I could shoot, given half the chance). But do listen to those of us on here who are listening to what you say from a completely neutral perspective. You have posted nothing on here which could be construed as wrong by anyone other than someone trying to twist your actions to their own advantage.

Totally agree with Freckle.

This man has had a dire effect on your self esteem - you're a much better person than you give yourself credit for!

Messy - my relationship is different to yours in that P is not manipulative or controlling - well, not much anyway. He really hurt me over the text message thing because he went and discussed it with my neighbours and now they don't speak to me. Makes me want to move.

I do understand though why you're not assertive about refusing to lie for him. You have to live with this guy after all is said and done. I don't know how you feel about things, but the biggest thing I'm looking forward to once this relationship is put to rest is finding out who I actually am again. Re-discovering what I can achieve and how I will react to things without him here.

But I can't stress enough that you have no reason to feel bad about anything you've posted on here about. As for his mate - well what an absolutely hideous creep! If I thought your H was worth it I'd tell you that you should tell him exactly who it was and exactly what he said to you - but I don't think your H is worth bothering about really and I think it would cause more hassle for you in the long run.

Hope you're ok today. I've just made an agreement with P that he has to be out by Feb 1st. I'm hopeful but not confident that he will be though.

Let's hope you do manage to get him out by then, NMOM.

I have just tried to make a doctors appt about my stress levels & panic attacks. They have told me to phone back tomorrow, as they have nothing today. I guess another day won't hurt.
H has come down & said he is not sleeping & it's all my fault for leaving him!

Freckle - not really sure why I am like that tbh. It must sound pretty pathetic, but H is always very convincing & does make me believe that it is my fault that he is very angry. Sometimes I try & put off posting things (like this texting thing) because I expect you lot to think I'm pretty bad too, but when I'm all churned up, it does help me to get things off my chest.
I have got a bit better than I was though.

Oh Blimey, what a carry-on. So sorry I haven't been around, MoM, but you know why I have been out of circulation!

Well, this is the year that you WILL get this horrible man out of your hair once and for all. And this is obvioulsy the year that other, nicer, men will keep up an interest in you! Aside from all the grief that ensued, I am DELIGHTED to hear that a nice man wanted you number, and delighted that you gave it to him! And of course, as well as being friendly, he is 'interested' - he's a sign of better things to come!

H sounds as if he is crashing around in a frenzy as he simply doesn't know how to function as soon as he loses control. You have behaved with dignity and uncommon restraint and good sense. Many people would have jumped at the chance to actually meet up with TextMan. But you showed sensitivity for his feelings in not embroiling him in your current troubles. Don't lose his number - and maybe text him again saying sorry you are out of touch but will let him know when it's easier for you to talk?

Do you think there is the slightest slver of a chance that you could pick up on what H said about not wanting to separate in biterness? Catch him at a good moment and say that you have thought about that, and perhaps now that he has agreed that he didn't want to marry etc (nothing like facing peopel with thier own words!!) that you could both acknowledge that the actual process of splitting up is horrible, and try to move on calmly and swiftly to deal with it all asap? It seems he gave a little tiny chink of his vulnerability there, and i wondered whether you could use it to deflate the sitution a tiny bit and get him to see that it would be better to calm down. But a slim slim chance, i am sure and pigs might fly first!

You didn't do wrong, you did what normal reasonable people did, and he certainly had no business trying to nsatch your phone. You are sensitive and nice to people, so there's no reason for any of it to be your fault in the slightest.

And LOL at your damn parents - how stupid do they think you must be?? 'Oh, here's some cash, that'll buy me back with a smile on my face, I'll do anything for a lukewarm hotel buffet breakfast!'. Hugely dysfuctional to think that cash solves any emotional problem.

Do you know when the solicitors letter will arrive? Are you going to tell H that it is on it's way? It might be better than it arriving unexpectedly. Remind him of what he said and ask him to try and get through it calmly now that it is inevitable and he has said he doean't want to be married?

Good luck.....the extra over-heated currency of Christmas and NYE is over, so hopefully things will be a nano-smigeon more normal.

Hi Blu, nice to see your name on here again. I hope you had a nice Christmas.
As you can see, my posting break didn't end up lasting very long!

You are right about him not knowing what to do now that he's lost control. In a weird way I think that him seeing the text actually may have done some good, in that it would have shown him that I am not going to be able to be worked on to stay & that I am thinking of moving on, IYKWIM?
I do think it shocked him that I have already allowed a man my number!
I certainly have no intentions of much more atm though!

I have pre-warned H about the letter. He seems put out that I appear to be rushing that side of things, but again, it is another thing he is not controlling.
He has promised to make sure me & the boys will be ok house wise if the sale goes through quickly & will give me more than half of the equity.
Don't think it will be long now. I know H is suffering in his own way too, but he has been a bit of a bast*rd recently.

I have been having a few emotional blips recently, because I have felt so overloaded with everything.
The worst lose it moment was actually in front of my parents, which I think made my mum realise how much I'm actually struggling in all this.

I have even started looking at houses now!

I have even started looking at houses now!

Ooops! Double clicked there!

I'm still a mite confused over who decided to leave whom. You say in your OP that you both decided to separate, now he's talking about you leaving him? I'm guessing it was his idea in the first place. He may not even have meant to go through with it until it was too late to save face. Watch out for that assumption that you're the one leaving. Then if something goes wrong with the house sale, guess who's going to expect to stay there with all your joint worldly goods and who's going to be looking for a bedsit - because you're the one who wants out the most. Take the wise advice others have given here, and keep your solicitor's number to hand.

Thank you for your sympathetic remarks earlier btw. Just don't be too sympathetic to the one person who doesn't deserve it - your soon-to-be ex. His obsessing over an innocent text is not rational behaviour, honestly.

Like the 'New york New York' song: so good you said it twice!

Yes! Good for you, MoM, I think you may well be right that it has been a good thing for al to see just how resolute you are, that bad as it is you will not be diverted by tantrums, bribes or threats, and that there is a life for you beyond all this, whatever unpleasant speed-bumps are set in your way. Good for you!

And excellent to hear that H agrees with your solicitor that you will have enough for a house for you and the boys, and a greater share of the equity. It sounds as if he has accepted that point, anyway.

Of course you aren't ready for new liaisons, that would be absurd, and seriously, I think it is a sign of your tremendous dignity and sense that you are not doing what many of us () have done in the wake (or even process) of break-ups which is to rush headlong into numerous short-term flings. But you can make new friends, who are yours and yours alone, and meet new people who understand your position and are on your side without judgment or expectation.

LOL at H thinking it is 'rushing'. It must make sense to him that if the house sale is going ahead then the divorce has to proceed at the same rate!

Well done for getting through Christmas - it was never going to be wobbly-free, but you are through it.

Are you back to work this week?

Yes I'm back on Thursday. It will probably be a good distraction for me tbh.
I got through Christmas quite ok, but I think the vomit bugs during the lead up helped distract me there!
Just before NY I suddenly crashed badly!
How are things with you now? All settled in your new house etc?

AGYG - the separation was my decision.