Page 7 | Dear mum of young kids who doesn't want to have sex

RoobyTuesday · 06/02/2016 13:11

Personally I think the writer needs to ask her husband to do a bit more to help out! Why is she the one who is up all night feeding and settling the baby and doing it all day too? Perhaps if he was doing a bit more to share the burden she actually might feel a bit more affectionate towards him. I appreciate she doesn't actually say he's not doing a fair share but it certainly comes across that way.

TheStoic · 06/02/2016 13:13

don't understand how so many people seem to have missed the part where she talks about what you can do to readjust when you feel touched out.

What about it, though? She doesn't follow it up with something like 'And then I'm ready to kiss/cuddle my husband and share some affection with him.'

She just says it's a relaxing antidote to being touched out.

What do you think happens next for them after her bath? Nothing, I would suggest.

Offred · 06/02/2016 13:14

Where does she say she isn't having sex with her husband?

TheStoic · 06/02/2016 13:17

You think she is?

What do you think the blog post was about? Just needing a break before having sex?

Offred · 06/02/2016 13:19

The blog post is about feeling touched out and how you can deal with it.

I think she's missed a trick in getting him to take on more of the burden but she's offering a solution which seems counter intuitive to a lot of people - don't have sex when you don't want to, take some time to yourself to readjust instead.

Offred · 06/02/2016 13:21

Most people think just having sex you don't want to will fix everything and that women asking for time/space/help will rightly result in their male partners having affairs.

I think that's a really damaging outlook and a good way to kill affection and intimacy. Advising people who feel touched out not to just give in through fear or obligation and to instead ask for space to readjust is good advice IMO.

TheStoic · 06/02/2016 13:22

So where are you getting that she IS having sex with her husband?

Offred · 06/02/2016 13:24

There is no information on whether she is or isn't. I am not offering any opinion on whether she is or isn't. I am stating that people banging on about her depriving her husband of sex for the rest of his life are jumping the gun and overreacting because she hasn't said anything about whether they are or aren't having sex...

She's talking about a problem, that she acknowledges is a problem with her, and a way she has found to deal with it.

TheStoic · 06/02/2016 13:27

I think if you're unsure as to whether she is having sex with her husband, you have been unable to comprehend what she has written because it was not literal enough.

Offred · 06/02/2016 13:30

Well short of asking her I don't see how anyone knows and I'm not sure it matters entirely. Even if she is not currently having sex the feeling of being touched out/burnt out is what she is identifying as the problem. This is a temporary feeling related to the burden of children. It is not remotely similar to 'deciding his sex life is over' which IMO is always a ridiculous thing to say anyway.

Offred · 06/02/2016 13:32

I don't even understand why people are arguing about this TBH. Do people really think women should have sex when they don't want to and that men who want to have sex with unwilling partners are in 'the right' to demand it or to have an affair?!

Offred · 06/02/2016 13:33

Would I be right to cheat when my BF had come out of hospital and was in pain and didn't want to be touched? I mean come on...

TheStoic · 06/02/2016 13:52

Nobody is arguing with it. Nobody is saying she should have sex if she doesn't want to.

They're saying they think it sounds sad, and some feel sorry for her husband that his wife feels that way.

Those two views are not mutually exclusive.

Offred · 06/02/2016 13:57

Those people are erroneously touting what she said as "I resent my husband and my skin crawls when he touches me" which would be sad but isn't a fair reading of the blog since she keeps reiterating how much she loves her husband and is attracted to him and that her issue is with being touched out and not wanting to be touched at "9pm on a Tuesday night" or joined in the bath or touched as soon as she sits down.

I think it is very sad how some posters can't understand that feeling and take offence at her feelings which are utterly normal to have when someone, even someone you love, touches you in a way or at a time you do not want to be touched.

It is nothing to do with how much she loves her husband, whether she respects him or anything else. It is a description of how she feels when he touches her when she doesn't want to be touched and is an utterly normal human response to being touched when you don't want to be touched.

Some posters have written appalling posts about women TBF.

Original poster

Justlurkingaround · 06/02/2016 15:29

Do people really think women should have sex when they don't want to and that men who want to have sex with unwilling partners are in 'the right' to demand it

Actually I think lots of posters clearly do think that.

I find it really odd that this woman's husband and his relationship are pitied. I feel far more uncomfortable about all the relationship where men expect woman to go along with intimacy/sex whether they want to or not. And worse that women think they should. That is more sad.

And if these ideas that a woman with a temporary loss of libido/ feeling touched out is responsible for divorce/adultery or her relationship is dead are around in relationships it brings into question the idea of consent in general.

Personally I find doing things I don't want to a little soul destroying. I don't think the content of her post is all about her husband but is also about the women out their who haven't got her confidence. (I can't be the only one)

OP posts:

specialsubject · 06/02/2016 16:06

no-one worth knowing thinks she has a 'duty' to have sex. But if she doesn't want to be touched at all, something is very wrong with the relationship.

not pleasant for the partner to be pushed away like that. Like I said - neither are wrong and neither has a 'duty' but they can't waste their lives like this.

bleedingheart · 06/02/2016 16:21

No one should have sex if they don't want to.
I do think that this can be overcome with kindness on both sides. I would tell my DH 'I love you and I fancy you but I have nothing left to give today' and he would say 'I know, let's just cuddle' and, cruically, he meant this and didn't try anything else. He would also takeover bath time or bed time or encourage me to go out with a friend. I felt better about myself and this made me more likely to see what he saw and feel sexy again.
Communication that is honest but kindly worded is so important.

swingofthings · 06/02/2016 18:57

If one person doesn't want to do it, you don't do it...
We've all been there when you don't want to do it, that goes on both sides, and of course you shouldn't force yourself but when you reach the point of never wanting it/enjoying it and consider that you are entitled to have a compliant, non-frustrated, non-unhappy and non-complaining husband, then you become controlling.

Going off sex is no different to many other issues that crop up during a marriage, and what you do is work through it, not consider that because you don't want something any longer means that your partner should do without.

What really got me about this blog is that instead of accepting that there was an issue in their marriage and wrote about what could be done to deal with it, all she can do is slate her husband and talks about him as she would talk about a naughty child in a very patronising tone.

I think that anyone who resorts to speaking about the person they are supposed to love in that kind of tone should really consider why they are staying with them.

swingofthings · 06/02/2016 19:02

In any case, it isn't even about sex, she starts her blogs with 'So there is nothing I find more unappealing than being kissed and held and pawed by my other half'

If that really is her feelings about her OH, her issue is much deeper than not being up for sex every other day.

I can say one thing, if my OH ever wrote anything like this about me, he would be out of the door right away because he couldn't possible claim to love and respect me and write something like this publicly.

Banquo54 · 07/02/2016 23:24

If you don't feel like sex ....... you don't feel like sex. And everyone who's said that no one should be forced or coerced into having sex when they don't want to, is absolutely correct. I also understand that having young children can be exhausting and that it may take a long time to feel ready to resume sexual relations. But to say that any affectionate physical contact makes your skin crawl IS worrying.

We don't know anything about the blogger's partner. He may have a mature, understanding attitude, or he may not. He may have a high(er) sex drive (which isn't his fault), he may miss the affection and physical contact that they may have had earlier in their relationship, or both. He may be trying to be understanding, but just as her current feeling is that she has no interest in sex, his may be that he'll explode if he doesn't get some affection or sexual release some time soon.

This feels like a potentially huge problem, which is neither partner's fault, but that could end up being a relationship killer. What if the OP doesn't get her mojo back? This happens to some people, both women and men, who've lost interest in sex for whatever reason. We've seen many posts in here, complaining that one partner or the other has lost their libido, and for the one who hasn't, it can be hard to understand why something that used to give so much pleasure has been lost, sometimes when couples start a family, but sometimes with no obvious reason.

I heard a radio programme a few weeks ago, about 'the pink pill,' the equivalent of viagra for women who may be suffering from Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD). Depending on what you read, there is disagreement in medicine as to whether this condition actually exists, or whether it exists as a phenomenon, but isn't an illness as such, or how to treat it. The company trying to get the 'pink pill' lisenced claim that it can help reactivate a woman's libido, but tests so far seem to show that it's not successful in many cases and can have undesired side effects.

It would be great if our relationships always met our personal needs, if we could maintain them at a point when both partners were happy with every aspect, but reality screws with that. If it didn't, we'd all be getting as much or little sex as we'd like, we'd be happy with our partners all the time and there would be no divorce or break-ups, but unfortunately, life's not like that. To get back to the original blog, I'd love to know who her relationship works out over time.

caitlinohara · 08/02/2016 13:45

Going off sex is no different to many other issues that crop up during a marriage, and what you do is work through it, not consider that because you don't want something any longer means that your partner should do without.

Exactly.

differentnameforthis · 09/02/2016 08:31

she starts her blogs with 'So there is nothing I find more unappealing than being kissed and held and pawed by my other half'

No she doesn't, but great selective quoting skills you have there!!

She actually starts with ^You’ve been sat on and climbed on, pawed at and kissed. All. Day. Long. Of course you love those sloppy baby kisses and the over-zealous hugs from your toddler, but there comes a point you are just done in. You have given all the physical affection you can and you are officially touched out. Putting them to bed with one more squeeze and a bedtime kiss is about all you can manage.

Every evening I flop onto the sofa and am thankful to have my body back to myself. Yes, I’m thankful for each and every one of those hugs and kisses too, but I have four kids. There’s not a lot of the day I’m not being pawed at. Or breastfeeding. Or having my face sucked. I just want to be.

HotNatured · 09/02/2016 13:33

My god, what an utterly sad read; essentially her other half is a sperm donor to her four offspring whose services are now rendered obsolete, and the even sadder thing is she sounds so utterly pleased with herself about it ! Solipsism at its v worst.

Dadbot3000 · 11/02/2016 20:02

From the male perspective, the blog is actually comforting in some ways - she does honestly still love him at least.
On the other hand, to describe ones DH as feeling entitled to her body is pretty bad. Either he is unpleasant or she is.
I don't want my wife to be affectionate towards me or have sex because she feels pressured or obliged, I want her to want to! Hard to imagine anyone feeling differently. Intimacy is so important though - after more than a year of no sex at all and nearly 3 of practically none, I definitely didn't want any more kids despite wanting a big family pre marriage. I spend a lot of time worrying about whether DW is still attracted to me and if things will ever return to "normal"
I fully agree with the suggestion that a kind word will go a long way. If you don't want to be touched at all, just let him know you still fancy him & maybe just hold his hand when you can bear it.
That and reconcile yourself to frequent pornography use. It is good for the prostate Maybe even let him know you condone it?

landrover · 11/02/2016 22:17

Sorry, misread this completely as mum of young kids who don't want to have sex!