Dear mum of young kids who doesn't want to have sex

[Justlurkingaround]

This was mn blog of the day on Weds this week. I liked it so much I thought I'd post a link here. Hope the link works.

handfulofhalfpennys.co.uk/life/dear-mum-of-young-kids-who-doesnt-want-to-have-sex/

*lots of children in a small space of time.

Might depend how much time you need to yourself to recoup, Ipity. I had 2 v.close together and didn't manage to BF but still feel like it's all too much for me sometimes 3.5 years on.....

I can remember feeling like this when my 2 dc were very young as they were very close in age - just 17months. I think the breastfeeding had a lot to do with it. While I really enjoyed bfing and the bond with the kids, I do remember when I got into bed for the very few hours sleep I was getting at the time, I had an overwhelming feeling of "can I just have my body to myself for a while??!!" My dh was/is great and always has been very supportive but I think that having babies is a big shock and the change to your body doesn't help much either in the early days sex wise. Thankfully it didn't last forever and things are great between us now but I do get what the blogger is saying.

Lots of black and white here. But it's not is it.

How long are we talking about? Weeks, months, years? Are there other issues (PND, medical, crap partner not doing thsir share)?

But what I really dislike is the way she seems to view sex and intimacy as something done to her.

If I felt touched out by my children at the end of the day, I would be worried I'd had too many children too close together, tbh. Or that I wasn't getting enough help with them. Or that they were unusually clingy. Or all three. At what age are human beings supposed to "grow up" so that they don't need physical signs of affection any more and are being unreasonable to ask for them? Or is she just talking about sex? Or is his touching always blatantly sexual, never just affectionate?

Well I don't think her husband has anything to feel bad about does he?

Would you not be hurt if your partner said this about you?

So there is nothing I find more unappealing than being kissed and held and pawed by my other half.

Truth is those kisses and cuddles can make my skin crawl, never mind anything more.

So frickin what if she doesn’t understand, tough shit. Come back when you’re no longer a sullen little girl if that’s okay pal. (changed boy to girl here)

I would be devastated if my husband felt and said these things about me. One of the biggest indicators that a marriage will fail is the presence of contempt and that is all over her blog post.

I think this woman sounds horrible. 'Tough shit' if her husband dares to want some intimacy with his wife. How lovely. News flash: Your husbands feelings still matter once you've had kids, just as yours do. Agree that 'pawing' and 'skin crawling' are nasty terms to use. I would never think, let alone say that about my DH before or after we had kids. I can't wait to cuddle up to him after a long day with the kids. Maybe I just like my DH more than she does hers.

I can understand the viewpoint that writing the blog is disrespectful - I don't agree with it, but I can understand that. What I don't get is the people who say 'pawing' or whatever is an awful thing to say and then immediately follow it by saying 'I never felt like that' - fine, you never felt like that. She did. She didn't want to have sex, so she didn't. Is that really not OK??

Or maybe, Angharad, you have a more respectful husband?

There are a number of facts here, that whilst not PC , are none the less true.

1. Having babies does not 'bring you closer together'. It puts a hand-grenade in a relationship.

1. Most women find having a child completely emotionally fulfilling. Whereas pre baby, focus of emotions is the 'dp/dh. Baby arrives, - partner is not a priority anymore. Sad but true.

1. Babies are exhausting. Sleep is top of the list, any chance to be in bed means a chance to sleep. Women tell their partners 'not tonight'... The intention being to get back in the saddle as soon as they aren't tired. 'No' becomes a habit.

1. Dp/dh feels emotionally shut out. It takes a very strong, very. Self assured man to say 'OK, she does still love me, I AM still really important to her, this 4,5 yr period whilst docs are small, will pass' ..

1. Many many men are not that resilient. The most common time for an affair is with pre-school children.

1. The marriages that last are the ones where the parents put their relationship first. Easiest done with firm boundaries for dcs. Fixed bed time routine. Guaranteed adult time for BOTH parents. Dh/Dp making sure he is pulling more than half his weight with the household chores especially when babies are night waking. Time away together without dcs even if it's sending dcs to gps and going camping for the weekend....and yes, sometimes fake it till you make it. The more sex you don't have, the less you want...and vice versa, sometimes it needs a little effort.

worra So your point is that what we should focus on, if a woman is being pawed at, is that telling people you feel you are being pawed at is awful?!

Aren't you the good wife! And if you have a migraine, you probably welcome him with a blow job!

Because she isn't talking about not liking her husband. She is saying that when you are so tired or ill that being touched EVEN BY THE PERSON YOU LOVE AND DESIRE makes you shudder, then it's ok to say no to that touch. That it's not a wife's job to have sex with her husband when she doesn't want to. That in a healthy relationship, sex is about mutual desire and pleasure and that when one person isn't feeling that desire, the appropriate response isn't for one partner to put aside their bodily integrity but for both people to work together to make sure that they both get what they need.

I'm lucky - DP is as much of an introvert as I am, so completely understands the feeling of being all peopled out and desperately needing alone time. We each make sure that the other has enough time alone to make time together something that we both enjoy.

I had lots of children close together and did attachment parenting and never felt touched out. I think it's more to do with the type of person you are than what type of parenting you do.

Unwanted sexual advances made at inappropriate times do induce feelings like that.

It does not mean that a wanted touch and an appropreate time from the same person would produce anything negative at all

I am very anti hugs over everyone at all times, babies or no babies, but I always want sex. It's completely different it's fun, hugs are the devils work.

Of course she shouldn't have sex if she doesn't want to. Of course lots of women go off sex when they have small babies.

But if she feels such contempt for her husband then she shouldn't delude herself that this is a normal healthy part of a relationship with small children. It may be usual but it isn't healthy. Dealing with the open contempt she feels and demonstrates toward her husband should be a priority.

Just read it to my OH .... He laughed.

Only read the first bit tho,

Many a time I've but the baby down and he wants he back rubbed or some other thing that requires my effort.

Fuck off, give me 5 whole fucking minutes without being attached to another human.

I get more annoyed as I find it a bit selfish.

Marilyn agree with you in part but time away from kids - have you seen how many people on my have noone they can send kids to!? Yes I'm sure that would have helped us and Id welcome it with open arms.

Huge assumption it's the guy gagging for it, sometimes the man is exhausted with it all and the wife has the higher sex drive.

Huge assumption a man can't be compassionate towards his wife for a short period of time while kids small and accept sex might be wanted less often and will have an affair!

Huge assumption that marriage is based only on sex. Many marriages have breaks or sex less often when someone is ill or exhausted or has small children that don't sleep!

No, I wouldn't feel bad, or devastated for that matter. I'd have empathy for my other half, I'd try to understand how they were feeling and support them through this time.

In fact, that's exactly how my husband responded to me - when I was feeling like the blogger.

Expressing 'devastation' at the natural emotions of your partner whose life is extremely difficult as primary caregiver to a young, non-sleeping child would be selfish and out of proportion.

I don't see anything wrong with the term 'pawing'. I hate people hugging me and always say stop'mauling' me even years and years before kids. The difference between me and the op though is I am always happy to have sex. Some people just don't like the way hugs feel, I definitely do not. It's nothing to do with dh as there is not anyone in the world I wish to hug!

I've never felt like that either.

And I thought it was a dreadful blog post too

Sex is an important part of a good relationship IMO

God, having sex after having my daughter kept my sanity. It reminded me of being me, not just this breastfeeding non stop mother. I love sex, that's how I ended up with a baby 😂 ok, I had an easy birth so maybe that's why I was able to jump on him again, but frankly I saw it as me time, and my partner being a good dad just turned me on even more. I get the all touched out thing and the need for space, but it really annoys me that we perpetuate the myth that all women don't want sex after the baby is born. Each to their own, and each to their own circumstances, but she certainly does not speak for me.

Wow. She doesn't think much of her dh does she? You cant compare a 14 year old fgs.

david8341 I think she did acknowledge his feelings, she just didn't cow tow to them, a subtle difference? And maybe she was being as flippant as you, with her 'skin crawl' description.

I'm a bit umm and aww and maybe. I had 4 in 5 years and I used to love it when DH came home from work and would take them up for bed and bath so I could have some time where I wasn't being clawed all over, as much as I LOVED having the kids all over me at the time. I would go for a run or nip to the supermarket or something else just as tedious, just to get out of the house. I always used to laugh that the supermarket was filled with other zombie stay at home mums, staring at produce as they weren't really sure what they wanted. They just wanted to not be at home for 10 minutes.

And then, tbh, we were both so knackered, we would both collapse on the sofa with our dinner and watch tv and laugh about how unexciting our lives were. Sometimes we had sex, most of the time we didn't. C'est la vie.