Dear mum of young kids who doesn't want to have sex

[Justlurkingaround]

This was mn blog of the day on Weds this week. I liked it so much I thought I'd post a link here. Hope the link works.

handfulofhalfpennys.co.uk/life/dear-mum-of-young-kids-who-doesnt-want-to-have-sex/

Why has this been linked and re-posted? Not enough comment when it was blog of the day?

One thing that jumped at me was her comment that
his needs didn't trump mines.

Yes. When you are told that if you don't fancy having sex with your DH then your relationship is dead (as some PP have said on this thread), it is easy to then think that really you HAVE TO force yourself to have sex because otherwise you'll loose your marriage. That HIS need for sex has to take precendence over your feelings of being left alone.

And doing that IS the recipe for disaster.

Really surprised at the posts here.

I must admit, I've felt like she describes from time to time. Just get the fuck OFF me, you are one more living creature that WANTS something from me, FUCK OFF.

Quite surprised how many people here haven't tbh!

^^this, 100%. Doesn't mean the relationship is 'dead' at all.

If you have one small child, don't breastfeed for long maybe, and have plenty of support and a good gap between children, it's totally different to having a few close together, breastfeeding or being pregnant for four years in a row, and doing it largely alone.

It's temporary, it passes. And everyone feels differently.

plant you're right, mumsnet has changed. Really surprised here.

I read this on Facebook, where it was linked to another blog post extolling the virtues of forcing yourself to have sex even though you don't want it - for the poor husband's sake. Read in that context, it's more about consent and not feeling pressurised to go ahead against your own wishes than relationship trouble.

I thought it was a shit article. It makes it sound like sex is a favour you 'give' to someone, rather than something you do together. Is there no compromise here? Is it all about either one of them getting their own way? What a bloody depressing marriage that must be.

If I knew there was anything I was doing or not doing that was making my partner feel unhappy I'd be mortified.

That doesn't mean I can instantly fix it or should do things I don't want to do but I'd definitely be doing all I can to resolve the problem and talking to my partner about what they can do to help. We're a partnership.

Her attitude seems to be "why should I feel sorry for him? why should I care about his feelings?". Because you love him, apparently.

What an overreaction most people seem to have had to this blog.

Her relationship isn't dead. She 'loves her husband with all her heart' and 'it has nothing to do with her feelings' for him. She's describing a fairly common feeling of needing some physical space after having small children clinging to you all day.

My dh is a grown man, he understands that sometimes his physical attentions are less welcome than at others. He's not going to sulk or cheat or take it personally, why have such low expectations of your relationship? Our marriage is very good, in all aspects, he'd be baffled at the idea anyone felt sorry for him, just because occasionally I say I'm all touched out for the day.

Sometimes I've fed a toddler to sleep, cuddled my older child to sleep, I don't always feel immediately like snuggling my husband. Other times, I do. Nothing's a problem if you are close and discuss things, it's dishonesty bat how you are feeling that creates a problem.

That blog is just awful, really awful.

I agree with whoever said she used him four times as a sperm donor.

I think we've all felt a bit "you must be kidding me" about sex when we have very small children.

But if I were her husband and I read what she had written about me for all to see, the problem would be moot - I would not want to have sex with someone like that.

She speaks of him with such contempt and seems to have absolutely no idea what a mutually supportive and affectionate relationship is like- it is as if there are only 2 choices - putting up with being pawed by your husband or telling "oh no, sonny jim, don't you think you can guilt me into being pawed by you" Really depressing.

Awful blog
I feel sorry for her other half

For those who have never felt like that - lucky you.

Traumatic damaging births, high needs babies, breastfeeding long term, small gaps between children, partners who did not pull their weight - I bet there is a correlation between those things and feeling like sex is just another demand. And it is just about the only demand that can be refused.

*Yes. When you are told that if you don't fancy having sex with your DH then your relationship is dead (as some PP have said on this thread), it is easy to then think that really you HAVE TO force yourself to have sex because otherwise you'll loose your marriage. That HIS need for sex has to take precendence over your feelings of being left alone.

And doing that IS the recipe for disaster.*

No one should force themselves but she's got enough awareness to know whats causing it (being touched out) but no motivation to make things better between her and her husband.

She could talk to him and see if he can do more with the kids, give her more "me time". She doesn't even see it as a problem though. It's her life style choice.

I'm not suggesting that the marriage sounds a bit dead but she doesn't want sex all the time. Trust me, I have a toddler who doesn't sleep well (and never has). I completely get being too tired for sex sometimes. But a bit of compromise on the issue wouldn't be completely unreasonable would it? Because actually it's fine (and right) that her husband should acknowledge her right to some space and to be left alone sometimes. BUT it's also right that she acknowledges and respects he wants intimacy sometimes.

And, to be honest, publically publishing an article on the internet saying that her husband touching her makes her skin crawl must be lovely for her husband to read and know that their friends and family can see that too. If my husband posted on a public site that me touching him made his skin crawl I'd be devastated. She's not giving him a lot of respect.

It sounds like she has a very little baby of she is up several times a night breastfeeding. My dh never made my skin crawl but then he understands 'no thanks, I'm too tired' and doesn't try to tip the balance with needy emotional blackmail or by gate crashing my bath.

I vividly remember that phase, where it feels like every living creature you come into contact with at home is wanting to suck you dry one way or another. It's hideous, and when you're in the middle of it you feel it'll never pass. It was overwhelming.

My ex was very immature though, he expected sexual favours for changing the baby's nappy, for going to the shop, and if he didnt get anything he'd flounce off. One day I didn't call him back from his flounce, I got my brother to change the locks instead. (I owned the house but he had a key, before anyone says I was wrong.) I slept much better with only the baby to take care of, but I do wish I'd had a child with someone other than a selfish man-baby.

I think tbh everyone (including her) is missing the point a bit. No one, ever, should feel obliged to have sex with someone. No one should ever be pressurised into having sex when they don't feel like it.

But what she's describing a total lack of intimacy. I'm 35 weeks pregnant and have gone a few months without having sex as I feel too big and uncomfortable for it and OH is kind of put off by my bump anyway. But we still touch, kiss, cuddle etc. Our relationship would disintegrate without that. If he never gave me any physical affection as he'd given it all to the DC I'd feel unloved. That isn't unreasonable. I feel I owe it to our children to work at our relationship and meet one another's needs. I feel he owes them the same. Of course everyone has days you're knackered and want to be left alone. But if you're the partner being denied any form of intimacy (and again I'm not even talking about sex), you do start to feel rejected. That isn't unreasonable.

At the bottom she comments something like 'you have years as a couple but they're only tiny once'. I think this attitude is quite naive. You can't just spend years ignoring one another and then expect to reconnect and be emotionally intimate again once your kids are older. Maybe it works out for some, but it wouldn't for me.

And that goes for both genders.

Her lifestyle choice? I'd assume it was both their lifestyle choices, to have four kids, that was framing her feelings on the matter.

It really pisses me off when women's reality is being denied. It's damn hard work raising four young kids, her feelings are her own and she is entitled to them and if she says she loves and adores her husband, who the hell are we to doubt that? She's not saying she is disgusted with the thought of sex for all time, just for now.

If I was too tired for the whole shebang I took a more...ahem..passive role. Its still lovely. As a PP said once I got going I always enjoyed it. If I hadn't wanted to because he made my skin crawl I would seriously been wondering what state my relationship was in.
I was very worried whether I would be seen as desirable after birth and all it entailed. Stretch marks jelly belly etc and it made me feel safe and secure to resume that part of my life.

She was responding to another post in which one of the bullet point suggestions was if you didn't feel like having sex you should 'just do it'. She is not addressing her husband. She is offering the counterpoint to the other post and saying actually its ok not to want to, you don't need to force yourself, and if he's not sulky and immature your husband will understand that.

I doubt very much her dh is bothered by it, or identifies with the type of bloke who would want to have sex with someone who wasn't up for it.

The whole thing's a lot of silliness anyway, but there's a lot of reading stuff into it that just isn't there.

"lifestyle choice" is a bit flippant yeah. but if you know it's a problem but won't work on it, won't acknowledge your partners feelings, etc then it kinda is a choice. No ones denying her reality, just pointing out that its a pretty shitty one and writing about her husband like that is a shitty thing to do.

I totally felt the way she felt when I had a constantly-feeding baby and my longest stretch of sleep was 90 minutes long if I was lucky. Plenty of other mothers I spoke to felt the same way. Our relationships all seem to have survived perfectly well, and sex started playing an important part of our lives once we actually had the energy to feel sexy again.

Well, from the opinions on here my relationship is dead and I shouldn't have gone on to have another child after feeling like this after my first

I totally agreed with the blog post; feeling coerced into sex is absolutely not a relationship saver. Feeling like you have the time and space to say no and that that is a valid decision and should have no 'deadline' on it gives a woman the mental and physical space to 'get back to normal'.

Support and help with kids, facilitating free time and time to sleep are all things a partner can do to help when the child-bearer [excuse clumsy name] feels like this. Talking and understanding too - I loved hugs and side by side cuddles but intimate touch made me so repulsed I sometimes retched [birth flashbacks in my case].

Assuming the relationship is dead, the kids are a mistake and an affair is justified is at best crazy at worst callous.

Well I don't think her husband has anything to feel bad about does he? She's shared how childbirth is hard on their relationship (as it is for many). His touch feels like pawing (because she is so exhausted and overworked by the kids right now). She's justified saying no to sex for the time being. Nothing wrong/bad/shameful/embarrassing as far as I can see it.

'pretty shitty' is a tad of an overreaction IMO

That poor guy, being forced into donating his sperm to his own wife, four times and no doubt creating a lovely family in the process that he doesn't even want

Seriously, how patronising. We're still talking about women as though their main goal is to trap a man into children he doesn't want, and men as though they have no desire for anything beyond sex. Belittling to both.

I think posts like this are more about a certain type of parenting style - extended on demand breastfeeding, co-sleeping, having lots in a small space of time, then a universal experience. I've never felt "touched out" my two.