Dear mum of young kids who doesn't want to have sex

[Justlurkingaround]

This was mn blog of the day on Weds this week. I liked it so much I thought I'd post a link here. Hope the link works.

handfulofhalfpennys.co.uk/life/dear-mum-of-young-kids-who-doesnt-want-to-have-sex/

When DS2 was a baby and DS1 a rather spirited 2.5 year old, I felt extremely touched out - as did DH!

Almost a decade on, I'm perimenopausal and my libido is determined by the cruel whims of my increasingly erratic hormonal cycle. made all the more cruel by the fact that, some months when my hormones allow me a few months of actually wanting to play, one of us has a cold, or one of the boys is up all night.

And there's the additional stress on our relationship of the boys' sleep being a little erratic, itself.

2 things keep our relationship functioning.

One is friendship.

The other is the ability of both of us to say oh ffs, get your hands off me, I'm not in the mood!

I do identify with the skin crawl. I did have to have the conversation with DH, when DS2 was about 6 months old - something along the lines of "you'll get more snuggles if I'm not constantly expecting you to grab my tits when I'm not wanting it." I had a strong need, at the time, to be given a cuddle, rather than have one taken from me.

A few months of me wanting to play? in anyone's dreams!

If this was a thread where the woman in question came on asking AIBU in not wanting dh to initiate sex/cuddle me/pester me as soon as the kids are in bed, because I just want 30 minutes to be "me" after wrangling 4 kids all day/most of the night, people who have posted here, against the blog post, would be jumping to her defence.

Suggesting her dh help more
asking why he doesn't help
etc

Yet because a woman dared to be open & honest & not "ask" for permission to feel that way, posters here are jumping all over her, telling her that her marriage is dead, that it is her fault, her dh should go elsewhere (are we going to blame the next woman who comes on here asking for advice over her dh's affair, that it must have been her fault?) while belittling her valid feelings & telling her that her dh's feelings & needs are more important than her need just BE!

No one should force themselves but she's got enough awareness to know whats causing it (being touched out) but no motivation to make things better between her and her husband. Where does it say she has no motivation to or does nothing to make it better? She is writing an article in which she states that she agrees with others in the same position as her. The woman wants some down time. Some time to herself. Surely no one can begrudge her that!?

And, to be honest, publically publishing an article on the internet saying that her husband touching her makes her skin crawl must be lovely for her husband ... She's not giving him a lot of respect.

and

No ones denying her reality, just pointing out that its a pretty shitty one and writing about her husband like that is a shitty thing to do

The presumption that her partner hasn't read it, or she hasn't shared the content with him is laughable. People do understand that blogs are all about clicks, don't they? Or adverts & sponsorships? I am sure that her partner knows exactly what she is blogging about. Poor down-trodden man, being talked about like this...boo frigging hoo. This is how she makes her income, no doubt.

I've never felt "touched out" my two. Good for you. Doesn't make her experience invalid though.

Of course she shouldn't have sex if she doesn't want to. Of course lots of women go off sex when they have small babies. But if she feels such contempt for her husband then she shouldn't delude herself that this is a normal healthy part of a relationship with small children. Did you read where she says she loves her partner, and this is NOTHING to do with her feelings for him, just that she cannot bear being touched, 24/7??

Each to their own, and each to their own circumstances, but she certainly does not speak for me. I don't think she alluded to speaking for all mothers, did she? Just those who feel the same as she does.

Seems a bit mean to turn him down again and I might end up enjoying it once he gets going'. And if you don't enjoy it? Do men really want sex with someone who only might enjoy it?

I stopped posting on mumsnet regularly two or three years ago and only recently found time to come back. Having read this, I wish I hadn't bothered. I don't for a second believe that support for women means always giving them an easy ride but jesus, this thread makes it clear this is not a site for the likes of me. I cannot believe that a woman's blog, written freely and with honesty about her need for sexual and physical space are deemed selfish.

I knew after a long absence this site didn't have the traffic it used to have. Perhaps it was the overt feminist take, but god, it's gone the other extreme now.

Different as I mentioned in my previous (long) post, when I spoke about prioritising children I was referring to her comment underneath the blog, when she said "you have years to be a couple, kids are only little for a short while".

There's not one woman here who wouldn't kick their husband out of the house if he posted a similar blog about them, and well you all know it. People think disloyalty in a marriage relates to cheating and affairs, but talking shit about your spouse for the whole world to see is utterly disloyal also.

There's not one woman here who wouldn't kick their husband out of the house if he posted a similar blog about them, and well you all know it. People think disloyalty in a marriage relates to cheating and affairs, but talking shit about your spouse for the whole world to see is utterly disloyal also.

And if you don't enjoy it? Do men really want sex with someone who only might enjoy it?

If I explained my reasoning above to DH he'd be perfectly happy to proceed and see if I could be made to enjoy it but equally he would be totally OK with stopping (this has happened). He's never once thrown a sulky 'deprived' strop, which I consider to be the opposite of a red flag.

Given the nature of the blog content, I am positive that the writer discussed it with her DH before publication. I am therefore a bit puzzled by all the posters who have chosen to take her decision to post as a grave insult to her husband.

Odfod irishdad... In any LTR there are times when both people are off sex. I'd not be in the least insulted if my partner explained this to me. You'd have to have a really fragile ego to dump someone over this TBH.

Wow, thank you for that, it makes me feel much more sympathetic towards those men who are so torn apart between staying with their wives whilst desperately fighting the temptation of getting on with someone who has some ability to think about the feelings of those they claim to love rather than their own.

Respect goes both ways. Considering that your husband has a tantrum when he doesn't get sex is treating him like he is a child, ie. patronisingly and that is not respect.

I'm always amazed when I read such threads or hear it from women how they managed to become sex mad when they crave another little baby to cuddle her all day long, yet revert to matrons when they get what they want, ie. they are entitled to be demanding to get their needs met, but their men are not.

And they are the ones who cry victim when they finally have enough and go...because they are too arrogant and full of themselves to actually believe that indeed, their man is not as dependent on them as they've tried to make them and yes, they are prepared to lose financially and emotionally in regards to their kids, just to get them out of their life. Of course, the new woman, whenever the time period when she becomes new will be vilified as the one who broke the marriage.

When I read some posts from step-mums abuse by their OH's ex, I always think they dramatise the situation.. Reading this post makes me realise that such women do really exist!

It's basic consent swing..

If one person doesn't want to do it, you don't do it...

Being moody about 'not getting sex' from a person who doesn't want to have sex is abusive behaviour.

If you can't tolerate the natural waxing and waning of sexual desire in a LTR I think you'd best not be in a LTR.

Smearing women whose sexual desire wanes after childbirth as manipulative, frigid and just after babies is pretty astonishingly sexist TBH.

And FWIW I have had a higher sex drive than all my male partners. I have to deal respectfully with the times they do not want sex and I do.

I had four kids in four years (last time around I had twins), I am looking at it from the perspective of having respect for the person who doesn't want to be touched/have sex and not from experience of being touched out by kids since I've always felt as another poster described - sex makes me feel like an adult independent of the kids and I love to be touched, I don't get touched out. I'm not that kind of person.

Other people are. Other people don't want to be touched for loads of reasons including illness, stress, exhaustion, relationship difficulties where in all those situations I would still love to be touched and would still want sex.

It's just about having respect for other people's feelings and TBH if you do have respect for someone's lack of desire for sex usually they get back on track much quicker than if you pester them about your 'needs' and how they aren't considering your feelings...

Oh and I guess also from the perspective of having been raped several times so knowing how awful it is to have your consent disregarded.

I thought the blog was thoroughly depressing. And the woman has no feelings left at all for her DH. She writes about him with disrespect and hatred. I didn't like it at all.

I certainly could never envisage writing anything like this, about my lovely DH. It's really sad.

Yes, it was a depressing read.

But it's a phase. Many women go through it, and come out the other side with the relationship (fortunately) still there to begin a new chapter.

However, this blog post seems to be like taking a photo of a funeral. Yes it happens, yes it's good to talk about it - but do you really want a permanent snapshot of a pretty ordinary time in your life?

As a woman, I'm sure she's proud of speaking her truth. But as a life partner, I think she's made a real mistake.

I'd be inclined to agree with the poster above who said this situation must be more likely to happen to women who have chosen breastfeeding, co-sleeping/attachment parenting, small gap between siblings etc. Saying your husband repulses you, makes your skin crawl etc is very sad, and I'd agree that you can't decide for somebody else that sex is permanently off the cards. There needs to be a discussion, and neither should try to force the other person into giving in.

She never said her husband repulses her. She said his timing in trying to initiate sexual contact is off and she doesn't like it when he tries it on immediately after the kids go to bed. She wants an hour to readjust on her own away from being touched.

She urged other women not to get into the whole 'wifely duty' crap. Which IMO opinion is good advice since I think nothing really kills intimacy respect and affection than having dutiful sex.

That's all.

IMO the relationship with DP should always be as important as the relationship with DC. It's about building a strong caring family unit that looks after everyone's needs. From bitter experience the damage done is seldom properly repaired.

Not RTFT, but I think it's sad she sees sex as something to be submitted to - i.e. more of the same giving up of your body as having a baby romp all over it. I try as much as possible to see myself as active in my sex life - it's something I'm doing, not that's being done to me, IYSWIM. Then, to my mind, it's absolutely different to the bodily surrender of breastfeeding/childcare.
Of course, doesn't account for the exhaustion & all the rest of it...

She wants an hour to readjust on her own away from being touched.

I think she wants far longer than an hour. As is obviously her right. The way I read it, his touch is not welcome at any time, at the moment.

She wrote specifically about not wanting to be touched immediately after sitting down and wanting to have a bath in private before she feels better.

I am glad I read your post perfumedlife as I agree and have been feeling a little like I am vastly at odds with the rest of the female population because I agree with the blog too - or at least I see where she is coming from.

I don't understand how so many people seem to have missed the part where she talks about what you can do to readjust when you feel touched out...