Page 5 | Dear mum of young kids who doesn't want to have sex

Marilynsbigsister · 05/02/2016 19:16

The sad thing is, that with my second lovely dh (importantly no kids together) I am only too completely aware why my first marriage ended . . It was without doubt my complete disinterest in sex. My 'putting it off till later' until he could no longer wait 'till later' (6yrs Ffs)

btw how long is too long to wait for your wife to get her mojo back ? .) ...

2nd dh, I focus on us. Dcs much happier. Happy mum, happy dad. (It helps that we are both loved up with new partners and adore each other as parents. )

deregistered · 05/02/2016 20:38

I'm 26 years married.

We have been through the lot (save for affairs or hurting each other in any irreparable way) - as in ups and downs and bad luck (and lots of good luck).

We have three dc. We went through a period of 18 months with no sex after the last one. My dh was very upset and frustrated, I was angry and resolute in return - I just didn't want to and though I felt guilty and anxious, I just wasn't going to have sex when I didn't want to. It felt like the end of the road at times I admit and I thought I had no romantic feelings for him anymore, but it wasn't. You really CAN work through these things. It does not mean the end other relationship if you still like, love and care for each other. Now 17 years on it's a distant memory.

rumpler · 05/02/2016 20:52

"btw how long is too long to wait for your wife to get her mojo back ?"

3.5 years since our youngest child (2 kids) was born and we rarely have sex. Once a month sometimes, very vanilla sex always exactly the same - and that's if she's trying. But then longer periods of emptiness too. I'm now really properly hacked off with it. If she doesn't want me any more I wish she would say so, "I'll try" isn't really credible any more.

Doesn't feel like a marriage or love or anything. I don't even feel like kissing or any other affection.

So for me 3.5 years is already intolerable.

bimandbam · 05/02/2016 20:55

Jesus. I thought mn was a site for mums.

The woman has 4 dcs. A baby and a toddler, so probably a couple of other young kids.

She has at least 2 at home ft.

She is probably being a mother 20 hours out of 24. I don't see any.mention the her dp changing pissy sheets or getting up with the baby.

Why the fuck would she want to have sex when she is probably on her k ees with exhaustion, when her body is still recovering from childbirth and possibly still breastfeeding? When, most importantly of all, she doesn't want to. When did we say we could say no, when if we can'tconsent to a cup of tea we can't consent to sex, when we say our bodies are own to chose whether it continues with a pregnancy or not, when did we say we could decide all the above. But if we don't want sex with our partner, the father of our children then we should expect and deserve for him to leave us or screw around?

Christ on a bike. I am glad this is mumsnet and a safe, supportive place for women to post.

Canyouforgiveher · 05/02/2016 20:59

But if we don't want sex with our partner, the father of our children then we should expect and deserve for him to leave us or screw around?

Of course not. But if my wife didn't want to have sex with me should I expect and deserve that she will tell the world that my touch makes her skin crawl?

skankingpiglet · 05/02/2016 21:03

No one is saying she should be having sex with him bim, the problem is her use of language of how any touch of his makes her feel and completely locking him out of any physical contact, not just the sexual.

hownottofuckup · 05/02/2016 21:09

I get what she's saying, there were times I felt like this but didn't realise it wasn't because I actually hated him. Wish I had.

Mind you there were times it seemed he felt the same. That was gutting.

Life's a bloomin minefield. And then you come on MN and get your brain fried.

As you were

bimandbam · 05/02/2016 21:10

Yes if she has told you she doesn't want you to touch her.

It's not about you
Its not about your relationship. It's about your wifea relationship with her sexuality right now.

Right now she doesn't want a sexual relationship with you or anyone else. It's not about you. It's about her. And how sge feels physically and emotionally. And if you can't accept that then the problem is with you.

I know there are times when I would love a kiss and a cuddle. When a back rub at the end of a long day would be fucking amazing. When I want to.kiss and cuddle my dp without it leading to sexual contact. I am lucky that he respects this. So we can show each other affection and support without it being sexual.

Can you? Or do you paw at her wanting more when she has said she doesn't?

skankingpiglet · 05/02/2016 21:29

I think you are assuming I'm a man?
If DH didn't want sex, fine. If there was a stretch of time where he didn't want it, also fine provided the communication was there. If my every touch was unwanted and rejected even little things like brushing his arm as I passed, I'd feel incredibly rejected. If I found he'd publically (or privately for that matter) said his skin crawled when I touched him, I couldn't carry on in that relationship. I don't want to feel that my DH is repulsed by me.
She is entitled to feel however she likes, and to accept or reject any contact she wants, but she can't expect to maintain a healthy relationship that way. It's like a physical stonewalling. Relationships need affection and intimacy (not necessarily sexual) to survive, and she's denying him this.

Imchangingmyname · 05/02/2016 21:35

Jeez, poor fucking husband. Makes her skin crawl?!

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 05/02/2016 21:38

So bim, how long does 'right now' last for?

bimandbam · 05/02/2016 21:40

She hasn't said that brushing her arm makes her skin crawl. She says that she doesn't want to be touched deliberately. That she is touched out. That she wants to have a bath and claim her body back for a couple of hours in the evening after looking after 4 dcs all day.

I can completely relate to this.

Luckily for me so can my dp. He had a life altering operation a few years ago. It completely changed how he felt about his body and how he felt sexually. It took a long time to get back to our normal.

Should I have screwed around for 12 months until he got his mojo back?

bimandbam · 05/02/2016 21:50

Has anyone read the blog properly? He makes her skin crawl when he kisses and cuddles her to initiate sex. Not just showing genuine affection.

When he wants to initiate sexual contact when she doesn't want to.

It doesn't really matter why she doesn't want to. She could be breastfeeding all night, she could still be sore from birthing his babies, she could have pnd, she could just be pissed off he didn't put the bins out.

Instead of being all hurt and offended he could invest some energy into finding out why. He could ask her. He could offer to get up in the night with the toddler and change the sheets if she is bfing the baby. He could be the one the dcs sleep on. He could give her time at the weekend on her own. A million things he could probably do.

But he can not demand rights to her body.

crazyhead · 05/02/2016 22:02

I'm breastfeeding and under loads of stress atm and I feel tense about being touched /find it hard to get in the mood at the moment. But I personally feel that part of getting married was about maybe pushing myself just a little to get myself back in the mood - not always, but some of the time - just as I'd expect my DH to make some efforts to be polite and nice even if he felt grumpy.

Surely it is normal to give yourself a bit of a push to maintain a good physical relationship with someone? There are many shades of grey between being repelled by the thought of sex and being convulsed with passion and surely most of us operate in the grey area sometimes?

skankingpiglet · 05/02/2016 22:06

She doesn't say kisses or cuddles to initiate sex, just kisses and cuddles let alone anything more. Although even if she does mean initiate sex it's a very extreme reaction to a person you love. Surely you just say no? Again if this isn't possible, or he doesn't listen then it's not really a lasting relationship is it? People have touched me before and made my skin crawl, but not my husband. If I'm not in the mood and he tries it on I just say no (nicely!), he respects that. If he didn't I wouldn't love him.
I should also clarify, I didn't mean accidentally brushing his arm whilst trying to get to the fridge or similar, I mean those times when he's stood in the kitchen and I purposely brush his arm as I pass as a show of affection (sometimes I even add a little squeeze). It's not sexual, it's affectionate.
Perhaps he should ask what's wrong, perhaps she should just tell him what's bothering her.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 05/02/2016 22:06

"Truth is those kisses and cuddles can make my skin crawl, never mind anything more."

You seem to be reading it completely opposite to me. The kisses and cuddles in themselves made her skin crawl.

And I really really can't stand the assumption that men aren't doing their fair share.

crazyhead · 05/02/2016 22:19

I do agree with whatsthatcomingoverthehill that we've got no reason to think this man isn't pulling his weight.

And I'd be hurt and offended if my husband pushed me away every time I initiated any sort of affection and acted like I ought to get it and it was totally about me not understanding his needs. Surely there's a balance?

LaContessaDiPlump · 05/02/2016 22:19

Surely it is normal to give yourself a bit of a push to maintain a good physical relationship with someone? There are many shades of grey between being repelled by the thought of sex and being convulsed with passion and surely most of us operate in the grey area sometimes?

I'd say that's true. Sometimes I actively want to have sex, sometimes DH indicates that he'd like to and I run through the mental process of 'I don't particularly want to but equally I have no pressing objection other than being quite comfy where I am. Seems a bit mean to turn him down again and I might end up enjoying it once he gets going'.

From what I've read/heard over the years, many women think like this at least occasionally.....

Canyouforgiveher · 05/02/2016 22:33

*Luckily for me so can my dp. He had a life altering operation a few years ago. It completely changed how he felt about his body and how he felt sexually. It took a long time to get back to our normal.

Should I have screwed around for 12 months until he got his mojo back?*

Did you publish a blog saying that his kisses and cuddles make your skin crawl? Did he?

I bet not. No one disputes any woman or man's right to go off sex or touching for a while. But if a man had blogged feeling like this about his wife, using the exact word this blogger used there would have been outrage. We have no idea whether he pulls his weight or not or whether he gets up in the niight or not - none. We do know what she feels about her husband because she published it If my husband felt like that about me, he'd never be bothered with a demonstration of affection again.

Lancelottie · 05/02/2016 22:52

Instead of being all hurt and offended he could invest some energy into finding out why. He could ask her.

God yes.

We used to have the sort of conversation that went 'How am I supposed to know how you're feeling? I'm not psychic,' answered by 'Bloody ask me, you wazzock, otherwise you'll never know!'

Apparently that might have ruined some spontaneity in our relationship. But 20 years of repetition seem to have led to a working compromise - I flounce with impunity, and he gets to keep his balls.

toomanyeggs · 05/02/2016 23:03

Dear Nat

You said

"You did not enter into a contract whereby you are obliged to put aside your feelings to protect his"

So I hope you won't mind if I take up a sexual relationship with another woman as I have a need for intimacy and sex, and since I'm not obliged to protect your feelings either then it shouldn't be a problem for you.

Love

John

Dear John,

Go ahead, I'll start the divorce. I hope you learn to read things in context before the solicitor's letters arrive.

Nat

Offred · 05/02/2016 23:11

She's talking about her feelings about being kissed and cuddled the minute she sits down and about wanting an hour to herself in the bath before she can deal with him - is that do unreasonable?!

There's plenty of indication he is not pulling his weight TBF - her being the one the kids fall asleep on, her being the one who is touched to the point of feeling creeped out by him touching her...

differentnameforthis · 05/02/2016 23:28

it doesn't hurt to occasionally prioritise your relationship over your children. IMO.

Where did she suggest her relationship wasn't a priority? The post is about her needing space to breathe for a few minutes before she can be a wife again, after being a mother all day.

Truth is those kisses and cuddles can make my skin crawl, never mind anything more. Again, this is nothing to do with the feelings I have for him, its my feelings towards being expected to surrender my body yet again, when I just got it back.

Original poster

Justlurkingaround · 05/02/2016 23:29

So all in all, not such a useful blog for anyone else to read!

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 05/02/2016 23:32

Offred completely agree with everything you have said here!