Someone called the police for DV

[DragonsCanHop]

"D"H exploded last night in front of the children over something really stupid (DDs) phone going off when we were sleeping.

He slammed doors and shouted at the children making them all scream and cry, I jumped up to defend them, told him he can't slam doors and talk to them like that. I got in between him and the bedroom door frame and he pulled me out of the way.

He was up in my face sneering at me, he called me all sorts of names and threatened to push me down the stairs, he was yelling at the top of his voice and I was telling him he had to go down stairs at least so I could settle the DC.

Eventually he did but only after yet more name calling with a look of disgust on his face.

I settled the youngest easily (told her it was a bad dream) and eldest came in with me and it all calmed down.

Next thing I know there are 2 policeman at the door, someone had heard him and called 999.

They wanted to arrest him but as it's not happened before and I'm still not sure why he did it I told them he didn't hurt me and I didn't tell them about him threatening me. They said they would log it as a disturbance after completing a DV log sheet.

He messaged our daughter this morning after leaving for work and asked if she called the police. We didn't reply.

I messaged him and told him to find somewhere to stay, we need time apart he replied no and then asked if I was throwing him out over a stupid call on our DDS phone.

I haven't replied and I've left my mobile at home, he keeps calling my work phone.

Please tell me I'm not making too much of this, I feel like I can't make a choice of what to do from now but I know he can't be happy and I've not been happy for a while either but never expected anything like this, he hates me.

Oh thank you Dragons, that's very nice to hear.

Hopefully you won't need to worry about NoK for many, many years, but I'm my BFF's 'next of kin' for medical needs. Well, I was when her son was younger, I'm sure she's changed it now he's grown and married.

Yes, there's a lot more to divorce than just severing a marital tie. Access for the children and dividing of asset AND debt is really important to have 'set in stone'. I think the laws regarding joint and separate debt are different in the UK than here in the US (or at least in the state I live in) and that in the UK there are better rules regarding who's debt belongs to whom. Here most debt is considered joint debt, even if it's in one spouse's name. Here you also have to be concerned with future debt if you choose to remain married and live separately. That's not so cut and dried, but it'll still cost you to get rid of it.

And he's proven that he can't be trusted to honour his responsibilities to provide for his children on his own. Legalities, unfortunately, will be a must, I'm afraid.

But you're right. It's hard to think about much when you're in a cold house with no hot water!

Financials are separate from child arrangements. If you've gone for CMC then it's set.
There are some basic rules but then all depends on individual circumstances and costs to bring up DDs.
Now is the time to get together your paperwork i.e. your earnings, outgoings for DC, his earnings any assets including pensions, expensive items i.e. cars. Very useful to have ready to give to solicitor. All goes into a joint pot and divided up according to agreed percentages, what SHL argues and wins or what the judge orders if it comes to that. He will be better clued up having divorced before, albeit without DCs.
As far as marital home goes you either agree to sell it and split the amount according to how everything is split or one of you buys the other out or you get to live in it until youngest DD turns 18 and then it's sold.
Also think ahead i.e. schooling, childcare costs, uni etc etc.
It can be relatively simple but if he continues to be a twat then it takes longer.
With solicitor you can cut down on cost by doing some bits yourself and using her for advice and when you need a human Roxie to fight your corner.
Given your HR background, I'm guessing you're good at detail and getting through lots of paperwork and legal stuff
As you are already lawyered up and know it's over, you are several steps ahead of him so that's an advantage

I agree: the very first question you should ask the lawyer is "am I not eligible for legal aid, considering my daughters and I gave been DV victims?"

Also, weren't there any bail conditions against him harrassing you? Because the texts and the stunt with the suitcase really fall under this heading. Please tell the DV police about this. You're still trying to appease Twunt, and clearly that's not working.

Lovely to hear about puppy!

Keep going. You are doing so well.

Definitely speak to your solicitor. If DV is involved the legal aid becomes an option for both the childcare aspects AND the divorce and financials according to the CAB site.

I used to work in a law firm but the rules changed. You should be someone who may be eligible but it is likely to still be means tested. What used to happen was that legal aid was a scale and in some cases you would have to pay an affordable contribution (assessed) and then legal aid would it the remainder. So it's definitely worth asking to be checked.

Divorce can be long and protracted. But a good solicitor will tell your STBEXH that if he pisses about being a dick to you for no reason in the divorce he risks being ordered to pay costs. They should keep him in line. You definitely need him out of your life.

No contact since he sent the blaming me text on Sunday.

Please remember we still have no hot water or heating.

He text me tonight asking to speak to the girls, I sent one back saying they were out with various friends having dinner and baths because the house is freezing (this was true, my friends have been amazing)

He called the house phone at 7.30pm and I stupidly answered expecting him to be worried that we are still without heat and hot water since Friday.

I got a barrage of abuse about how I was stopping them speaking to him and how lonely he is, he can't believe I'm doing this over one night and it's been 18 days. I tried to say 18 days is nothing when DC witness their dad threaten their mum and call her vile names but he said I was making much more of it than it was.

I put the phone down

He text DD3 asking her to at least talk to him, he said he loved them, she is in tears and doesn't want to reply.

DD2 is refusing to go to school because she is on behaviour watch, I'm working with the school but fuck me it's hard work.

Only posting to note it all down.

I haven't got a clue what I'm doing in regards to the DC and their emotions but I'm certain he is a selfish cretin and I'm typing here instead of sending him a message.

No second opinion on the heating?

I put the phone down

Good for you.

Dragons, you're doing so well. Your telephone conference with your solicitor is tomorrow isn't it? Zombie is sure you will, but please ask if there is anything else you can do to protect your gorgeous girls while waiting for a court order.

You are right he IS being a fucking cretin.your response was entirely correct.
Think you just have to try and ignore ignore ignore until it's sorted via solicitor.Its impossible to reason with someone that self absorbed and delusional.
Think all you can do with re the girls is keep on with what you are doing-being there for them, offering them the choice to speak to him if they want, answering their questions honestly but sensitively...all the things he will NEVER do basically.lots of love to you dragons-these are the hard yards-it will get better...promise.

He called the house phone at 7.30pm and I stupidly answered expecting him to be worried that we are still without heat and hot water since Friday. Right. Stop talking about yourself in this way. It was not stupid. You answered the phone based on your decent and reasonable assumption that there would be concern from him about the lack of heating, because you are a normal, decent person. He, however, is not. Which is why you got what you did from him. So, lesson learned, no more assuming he has any honourable or decent motives. He is all about himself.

Clearly, the children's welfare is lower on his list of priorities. He's shown no concern about, nor found a solution to the heating situation, and he's tormenting the dcs with these texts, which are all about him. He is a selfish, selfish fucker.

he can't believe I'm doing this over one night Oh, can't he? Does he mean the One night where he threatened to throw you down the stairs? That One night when his violent outburst was enough to cause a neighbour to call the police? Or the One night which was followed by his texts, not apologising, but accusing dd of calling the police? One fucking night indeed. Minimising doesn't even begin to describe what he's doing.

Totally agree with fantasic's comments - good for you op! he can talk all he wants into the air, it doesn't change the facts.

Poor dds! Mobile phones really do have their downsides. Glad we didn't have them when I was a kid

Hope you manage to calm them down. Poor you, what a lot to deal with. Definitely sort out a divorce ASAP. Hope the phone call goes well tomorrow.

Solicitor call is tomorrow 10.30am DD2 is in such a state I've agreed to let her have the day off school, rightly or wrongly I have no clue but the bargain tool is she gets her self organised and then gets off the behaviour list on Friday

This was agreed with over the ohone by me and her head of year this morning and she doesn't know it and they don't know she won't be there tomorrow but I will call them and explain it all tomorrow.

I did reply back to his message asking him to think about the girls as children, they don't need to know the gory details, I promised I haven't said anything negative (I havent) and told him I've reminded them every day that he loves them. This is about me and dad, 15 years iof marriage, nothing for them to be concerned about.

All he cares about is himself.

He is texting as I type now, he does this at this time because he expects I've been drinking or that he has piled on so much pressure I should be at least a bottle down by now but he has no idea about little star , my meds and the fact that I don't need to drink to cope now.

Star needs to go out for a wee and them I'm off to bed.

Dragons,I've only recently come across your thread & I must say I'm in awe of your strength & resilience in light of what you've been through.
You are keeping yourself & your DC together inspite of the hassles he is kicking up for you & it's infuriating him!!

"Men "like your partner thrive on the fear that they inflict on you so that you can be kept under control & in a state of fear( as I'm sure you already know)so the fact that you've stayed strong & are managing is probably giving him the rage.

Clearly, the children's welfare is lower on his list of priorities. He's shown no concern about, nor found a solution to the heating situation, and he's tormenting the dcs with these texts, which are all about him. He is a selfish, selfish fucker. 

This ^ x1000!

It is such a telling point about him, the fact he's still only concerned about himself & taken no notice whatsoever of the fact his DC have no heating or hot water.

We are behind you Dragons,you will look back in the future & be so so happy you broke free.

He's on a mission to upset you all which is not fair. I'd be blocking his number, at least temporarily, from all your phones at this point. Hope you get a good sleep Dragons.

Remember that everything he says is about him. The girls are only a tool in his 'arsenal' to be used against you. You can tell/ask him to leave them out of it, but he won't. He won't because he knows it hurts you. And that's why you need to continue to protect them from him as much as you can. Just be sure you're keeping a log of everything he says to you, everything the girls report to you that he says to them.

Continue to put the phone down on him immediately if he strays one inch from discussing the things two things that need to be discussed, visits and finances. Don't ask him to stop, don't say 'I'm going to hang up now if you don't stop saying XYZ', just put the phone down. He's not stupid, he'll get the message. It may also be time to set up a separate email account for him to use and block him on your phone, perhaps unblocking him only if one of the girls is with him. Tell him that he is not to text you, not to call you. If he wants to see the girls, he can email. Talk to the solicitor about doing this.

Are you going to be able to speak to the solicitor privately with DD home? You don't want to have to censor anything you might want to say, you want the solicitor to have a complete picture of the worst of this behaviour.

You need to block him from the dc phones. What he is doing/saying to them is abuse and it needs to stop. Perhaps ask the solicitor or womens aid for advice with this, but please put a stop to it.

Hang in there Dragons. You are doing really well.

I agree with FantasticButtocks' post.

I also agree you should ask the sol about blocking him from the DDs' phones. Do they keep all texts from him?

DDs have blocked him.

He sent me a message saying only me and him can sort it, he won't call the school.

DD2 refused to go to school this morning.

Oh and the electrics have blown, plug sockets etc, it's the trip on an old system, it will stay on for 10 minutes or so and then trips again so I can't even heat the house!

Roll on 10.30 phone call!

Ok with the electrics, unplug everything and then switch on one at a time until you work out what's causing the trip x

Thanks Joy I'm doing that now and I've switched off all the switches that were down but not being used.

It seems to be ok since I unplugged the kettle and radio but I will still let the engineer come and take a look.

DD is adamant she hates school and wants to move to a different one that is a bus ride away (I'm never going to be able to afford bus fare on top of everything else) but I must admit she hasn't settled very well since she started in SeptembeR.

I don't know what to do.

glad I could help in some small way

Solicitor called and is sending legal aid forms, we are going to give it a try but she doesn't think I will get it.

I'm now waiting for them, waiting for pay day tomorrow and waiting to see what he does for the children financially on the 1st March ie pay house bills and clear credit cards.

If he does that I can max my credit card and pay for a new boiler.

Did she say what was missing in your situation to make you eligible for legal aid?

Do you really need a new boiler?

I would venture a guess that whatever is going on at DD school, its getting worst due to all the recent stuff. I am NOT saying that to guilt trip you as you have been supermum - but unfortunately there is going to be a knock on effect on the poor bunnies- and it wont be this bad always.

in a way its good he calls and spouts shit, shows what a ccxt he is and how right you are

I mean seriously? If I was away from ,my DC and they had no heating/were suffering at school you'd think he would want to fix that no

can DD access any counselling at school? do you think she is being bullied?
its doesn't fucking stop does it!!!