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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Someone called the police for DV

889 replies

DragonsCanHop · 04/02/2016 11:09

"D"H exploded last night in front of the children over something really stupid (DDs) phone going off when we were sleeping.

He slammed doors and shouted at the children making them all scream and cry, I jumped up to defend them, told him he can't slam doors and talk to them like that. I got in between him and the bedroom door frame and he pulled me out of the way.

He was up in my face sneering at me, he called me all sorts of names and threatened to push me down the stairs, he was yelling at the top of his voice and I was telling him he had to go down stairs at least so I could settle the DC.

Eventually he did but only after yet more name calling with a look of disgust on his face.

I settled the youngest easily (told her it was a bad dream) and eldest came in with me and it all calmed down.

Next thing I know there are 2 policeman at the door, someone had heard him and called 999.

They wanted to arrest him but as it's not happened before and I'm still not sure why he did it I told them he didn't hurt me and I didn't tell them about him threatening me. They said they would log it as a disturbance after completing a DV log sheet.

He messaged our daughter this morning after leaving for work and asked if she called the police. We didn't reply.

I messaged him and told him to find somewhere to stay, we need time apart he replied no and then asked if I was throwing him out over a stupid call on our DDS phone.

I haven't replied and I've left my mobile at home, he keeps calling my work phone.

Please tell me I'm not making too much of this, I feel like I can't make a choice of what to do from now but I know he can't be happy and I've not been happy for a while either but never expected anything like this, he hates me.

OP posts:

firesidechat · 04/02/2016 11:44

How old is DD? Of course you can answer her phone if it annoying the family and she is under a certain age. Where was the phone that you could all hear it and what time was it ?

Side issues I know.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 04/02/2016 11:44

I agree with PPs that you should speak to WA and the police. The latter may have logged their visit with social services so you do need to think about your next step. You have to protect your DCs.

If he won't leave then perhaps you could stay somewhere else tonight. You have no idea how he will act with the DCs whether he will try to gaslight them into disbelieving what happened or whether he will try to put the blame on them for what happened. He is solely responsible and you can't let him wiggle out of this.

Original poster

DragonsCanHop · 04/02/2016 11:46

I'm going home, I can't sit here like this. I can call them in private and no one is expecting me back till this evening. Thank you for being here it really is helping

OP posts:

PhoenixReisling · 04/02/2016 11:46

I agree with PP. You must call the police.

He overreacted to the extreme, frightened you all and threatened you. He is now telling you that you are overreacting and is harassing your daughter. Where is the apology? Why didn't he suggest that he stays away from you all for a few days cause this would at least mean he knew the severity of this situation?

You must call the police. He needs to stay away so that you can all think and reflect.

well he needs to think and reflect why he is minimising what he did<

Could you stay elsewhere tonight? If not then I would be asking the police to tell him.

firesidechat · 04/02/2016 11:47

Actually ignore my last post as it's irrelevant.

You need to spend some time away from him and think about your future and your children's future.

VocationalGoat · 04/02/2016 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Veritat · 04/02/2016 11:50

You need to be clear with the police that he was violent towards you - he physically pushed you out of the way, he was yelling threats in your face and threatened to push you downstairs. One of the things that concerns me is that this was in the middle of the night - your children must have thought they were waking up to a nightmare.

I assume that by now you've spoken to the police and I hope they're helping you. If you haven't done it, go home and get those locks changed.

Pipistrella · 04/02/2016 11:51

I wonder if you can do anything at home to make yourselves safer.

I hope the police will come out to you and explain your options. Im not honestly sure what the law says about getting a violent/threatening person to leave, but if they can remove him, then they will send someone to change your locks.

You can't be at home tonight when/if he comes back. I don't think you will be safe.

Fairenuff · 04/02/2016 11:51

If you tell the police what really happened and how he is refusing to leave, they can help you.

Rainbowlou1 · 04/02/2016 11:52

I'm so sorry you're in this position.
I've been there and wish like anything I got out sooner because it seriously will escalate..i remember once my neighbour asking me if everything was ok because she had heard my ex shouting and throwing things about the night before, she said she had nearly called the police and I desperately wished she had as I didn't have the courage too.
Please get in touch with WA they were a life saver (literally) for me x

Pipistrella · 04/02/2016 11:52

Also perhaps put some personal items together in a case, for you and the children, just in case you need to leave in a hurry. Medication, documents etc

Just to be prepared. Hopefully the police will be on hand and you won't need to go anywhere.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 04/02/2016 11:52

good, as sometimes an external party needs to show you how serious this is

let the police handle this- as he clearly needs a wake up call that his behaviour is both abhorrent and ILLEGAL

AND HIS HARASSING YOUR dd.....

GOOD LUCK op

Maryz · 04/02/2016 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pipistrella · 04/02/2016 11:53

WA website

Pipistrella · 04/02/2016 11:54

I am terrified to think of his reaction if your dd tells him she called the police.

I think she is really in danger at the moment, perhaps you should ring her school and make sure they know the situation? She must be feeling very alone right now.

Eminado · 04/02/2016 11:56

Since he is not owning up to how horrible his behaviour was you MUST get back in touch with the police.

How bad must it have sounded for someone to call 999, nevermind experiencing it. Think about that.

And the fact that he is harassing your daughter is completely unacceptable. He needs to stay away from the family home until he can prove to all of you that he is able to control himself.

Imagine having to lie to your own child that they had a nightmare because their own father was behaving like a raving abusive lunatic. Completely unacceptable.

peggyundercrackers · 04/02/2016 12:03

your post flags up 2 different things for me.

issues with your DH and the way he acts - he was absolutely wrong.

backstory to your DDs behaviour.

yes you should can answer your DDs phone if it is going off in the night - either that or just get up and switch it off.

ScarlettDarling · 04/02/2016 12:16

A 'normal' reaction to a child's phone going off in the night would be a slightly grumpy "turn that thing off!" before rolling back over and snoring.

Your husband's reaction was extreme and scary. You definitely aren't overreacting. He frightened you and your children and that is unacceptable. You need some space away from him to do some thinking and he needs to admit he has anger issues which need to be addressed.

Original poster

DragonsCanHop · 04/02/2016 12:31

I'm home and sorry but I haven't read all the replies yet.

I have my mobile he has spent 4 messages, one denying to threaten to push me down the stairs, 1 accusing DD of calling the police, 1 asking if my part in any of this is innocent as I was in his face when defending DDs bedroom door way and 1 that just says "so I'm getting ignored now"

He must have called work and told I've left because he has just called the house phone.

I've just checked his personal email on our iPad and he has paid for 2 nights in a hotel from tonight so that is a relief, I have 2 days to think now.

I will read all the messages, do I pack him up a bag so he doesn't need to come into the house, I can leave it in the boot of my car.

OP posts:

WhatTheActualFugg · 04/02/2016 12:33

The bag is a good idea dragons. I know you probably want space to think, but calling the police and getting last night's (correct) version of events written down is important. This could get nasty.

Lweji · 04/02/2016 12:34

Glad you are contacting 101.

You should not let this blow over. He could easily have pushed you down the stair and that is no way to live. Particularly for your DD.

Do tell them everything, including the past incidents and his current harassment.

You could ask for a court order to prevent him from living there or even approaching you. Check NCDV if you need help and for an emergency order if necessary.

Lweji · 04/02/2016 12:35

Sorry, cross post, but still relevant should he want to return home pretending nothing happened and everything to continue as it was.

Akire · 04/02/2016 12:38

Glad you are home safe. Please call the police back they should have left your details. They can give you advise. It's concerning that's he keeps asking about if daughter called police- what if she did? Surely he should be more concerned she was scared enough to do so not blaming her.

Packing his bag is a good idea. Maybe you could reply saying you need time to think- you pack his bag and leave it outside. No discussion just fact. Would he try to met you and the children after school do you think?

Original poster

DragonsCanHop · 04/02/2016 12:39

He is denying saying it, I'm shaking so much I can't type. I've bundled his work stuff up.

He sent another message saying he will go but we can't do this financially for the month. I'm going to tell him his stuff is in my car and not to knock on the door.

I'm going to let 101 know

Thank you so much, this is awful.

OP posts:

LeaLeander · 04/02/2016 12:41

Your work shouldn't be giving out your whereabouts to phone callers, all else aside.

Good luck. His harassing of his daughter is especially vile.

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