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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone called the police for DV

889 replies

DragonsCanHop · 04/02/2016 11:09

"D"H exploded last night in front of the children over something really stupid (DDs) phone going off when we were sleeping.

He slammed doors and shouted at the children making them all scream and cry, I jumped up to defend them, told him he can't slam doors and talk to them like that. I got in between him and the bedroom door frame and he pulled me out of the way.

He was up in my face sneering at me, he called me all sorts of names and threatened to push me down the stairs, he was yelling at the top of his voice and I was telling him he had to go down stairs at least so I could settle the DC.

Eventually he did but only after yet more name calling with a look of disgust on his face.

I settled the youngest easily (told her it was a bad dream) and eldest came in with me and it all calmed down.

Next thing I know there are 2 policeman at the door, someone had heard him and called 999.

They wanted to arrest him but as it's not happened before and I'm still not sure why he did it I told them he didn't hurt me and I didn't tell them about him threatening me. They said they would log it as a disturbance after completing a DV log sheet.

He messaged our daughter this morning after leaving for work and asked if she called the police. We didn't reply.

I messaged him and told him to find somewhere to stay, we need time apart he replied no and then asked if I was throwing him out over a stupid call on our DDS phone.

I haven't replied and I've left my mobile at home, he keeps calling my work phone.

Please tell me I'm not making too much of this, I feel like I can't make a choice of what to do from now but I know he can't be happy and I've not been happy for a while either but never expected anything like this, he hates me.

OP posts:
AmIbeingTreasonable · 21/02/2016 19:53

What a bastard to do that to his own daughter, clear proof he does not have her best interests at heart. Document all that she said if you haven't already and send it to your solicitor if necessary. Supervised contact is the only way now, your poor little dd Sad

Lweji · 21/02/2016 19:59

This is why supervised contact is the best at this stage.
The children are easy targets for emotional blackmail and manipulation.

Friendlystories · 21/02/2016 21:06

This just popped up on my FB Dragons, don't know anything about it but might be worth a look re your boiler freefundingcalculator.co.uk/

kinkytoes · 21/02/2016 22:21

Disgusting behaviour by your ex. Poor dd I hope she doesn't spend too much time dwelling on this. I'm fuming on your behalf. What a complete dickhead. Angry

mathanxiety · 21/02/2016 23:23

What a wicked game he is playing.

Please do not allow any more contact.

AcrossthePond is right - he was not being unhappy so why would anyone else be. The feelings, perceptions and opinions of his family members have never mattered at all to him. As far as he is concerned, you have none.

What support or counselling might be available for DD3 in school?

Momamum · 22/02/2016 08:45

I echo petalsandstars suggestion to take his suitcase to the copshop for him to collect from there.you were given a crime or contact no? Quote that. About time he is reminded that his behaviour was so out of order that they needed to get involved and that your subsequent safeguarding actions are on their recommendations and that he is still on their radar. The bastard.

Dreadful to read that he's now targeted dd as the way to get back at you, cos that's what he's doing. Double bastarding bastardAngry

shoeaddict83 · 23/02/2016 08:50

how are things Dragon? Did you dump his suitcase at his hotel to stop him repeatedly coming back for it?

mix56 · 23/02/2016 12:50

Did you get the Dog ?????

DragonsCanHop · 23/02/2016 13:51

Hi, sorry for not being back sooner I've had my hands full with my little foster girl who is very scared but oh so loving, she has cheered me up and spurred me on no end Smile

Thank you Fern for that link I've spoken to them and another couple of companies and as soon as my WTC number comes through I can get it sorted.

Still no heating or hot water, new Emerson thingy is being fitted on the 1st March for hot water and boiler when I've sorted out how much it will cost.

I have my telephone appointment with the solicitor this evening.

He text me yesterday, all about how he doesn't deserve this, my actions are hard and callous and I'm ruining his relationship with the older DC, he hopes I never have to be as lonely as he is and I'm selfish for just cutting him out of their lives.

I've been and spoken to both schools today and updateded them, they are he,ping with support in the school environment and a little help with school trips etc but because I'm (hopefully) getting WTC DC don't qualify for free school meals.

I'm off to a friends with the DC this evening and she is cooking us dinner etc.

I have a thread in the dog house about our little star.

And I've not replied to any of his emails either and his suitcase is in the garage because I can't be arsed to do anything about it.

Smile
OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 23/02/2016 14:31

So you packed him a suitcase full of clothes and he has returned it to you so that you can sort through them and choose suitable clothes for the next few weeks. That's actually hilarious it's so tragically crap!

AcrossthePond55 · 23/02/2016 14:36

He text me yesterday, all about how he doesn't deserve this, my actions are hard and callous and I'm ruining his relationship with the older DC, he hopes I never have to be as lonely as he is and I'm selfish for just cutting him out of their lives.

This would actually be laughable if it weren't so deluded. It always amazes me how people like him don't realize they're talking about themselves when they say things like this.

Lweji · 23/02/2016 14:38

I'd be tempted to give him what suitable clothes he needs for the following weeks.
The bag would include things like swimming trunks, slippers, pjs. and nothing else.

I bet he'd ask for all his clothes next time.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 23/02/2016 14:41

'Doesn't deserve it'....speechless at his audacity.

pocketsaviour · 23/02/2016 16:27

He text me yesterday, all about how he doesn't deserve this

On that point he's right. He actually deserves to be dead in a ditch.

shockthemonkey · 23/02/2016 17:40

A new fan here Dragons, you can be proud.

Congrats on the little dog, that's a wonderful thing to do and will help you feel better more quickly. I will pop onto the dog house to see how she's doing!

FantasticButtocks · 23/02/2016 18:53

He text me yesterday, all about how he doesn't deserve this, my actions are hard and callous and I'm ruining his relationship with the older DC, he hopes I never have to be as lonely as he is and I'm selfish for just cutting him out of their lives.

Er... Yes he does actually deserve this. This is exactly what he deserves.

Your actions are actually responsible, sensible and protective of yourself and dcs.

He is the person who has ruined things between himself and the DCs.

He takes no responsibility whatsoever but blames you. Thank fuck it's over.

mix56 · 23/02/2016 20:15

Yay, keep ignoring the fuckwittery.
Actually IT IS THE GIRLS WHO DON'T WANT TO SEE HIM !

AmIbeingTreasonable · 23/02/2016 20:55

Complete radio silence is the way to go with all his self pitying texts, he is trying to engage you in a conversation, don't bite, just IGNORE!
Lovely news about the little doggy Grin

DragonsCanHop · 23/02/2016 21:22

The solicitor called and she has a dreadful cold/virus, she sounded very poorly so I agreed to re schedule to Thursday morning.

I was a bag of nerves already and hadn't really got all my questions down on paper so a couple of days will probably help me be more organised for her, she did say she wanted to get this all to the courts as soon as possible though.

Divorce is going to be expensive isn't it? I do worry about my money situation, do I need to divorce or can I just pay the bills, mortgage etc until DD3 is 18? So many questions going through my mind.

I got a letter from child maintenance today to say they have written to him, I think he has to agree to the pay and collect service I requested.

I have a feeling this is all about to get very nasty, he will hate receiving that letter.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 23/02/2016 21:48

It'll be expensive if he decides to fight you every step of the way, I expect. The solicitor can probably give you an idea of that. But to me it would be money very well spent.

Yes, you could stay married but I don't think it would be wise. Debt liability is a consideration, also legal rights as far as being your next of kin in the event you become ill or incapacitated. Do you really want him making those decisions for you? You'd probably have to go to court regarding access and living arrangements for the children anyway. You want that all sorted legally so he can't just decide to jerk you around about when he has them, holidays, school breaks, etc.

And I know it's the last thing on your mind right now, but what if you should want to start dating? Would you want to have to explain to a prospective date that 'technically' you're married? Or what if you meet Mr Right and want to marry again and now have to spend the next who knows how long trying to get divorced?

As far as things getting nasty just ignore him if you can but save the texts. Block him if you have to. Just don't respond to any goading or ugliness. Deal strictly in facts regarding finances and the children.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 23/02/2016 22:02

He probably will get quite nasty unfortunately (we know he is nasty already). That said I'm hoping he is also a bit of a tight wad and will soon see that given that he is so far in the wrong it will cost him a lot and gain him little to behave like a knob.You never know anyway... I guess you just have to take it as it comes.we are all here to cheer you on. Will all be worth it to be rid!!

Joysmum · 23/02/2016 22:02

Hmm, sounds like the delay is actually a blessing in disguise. So many questions and now you've got a chance to focus the mind by writing them down in order of priority. Of course that means thinking about things and that will be hard for you to do. Best of luck with it Flowers

DragonsCanHop · 23/02/2016 22:18

acrossthepon you have been an amazing, helpful, supportive shoulder to lean on along with all you other vipers but your last post is exactly what I'm thinking.

We have joint debts as well as separate his name or my name only, thankfully mine are only small if I don't include the loan attached to the house.

I'm thinking they can wait whilst I concentrate on getting this awful situation debt with now in one hit.

I really need the WTC to sort out so I can fund the boiler, it's horrible living in a cold home but I know it could be worse but I view it as a priority for the DC.

I feel like it's all rush, rush my end and then a waiting game on them to all get back to e all whilst I wait to receive the next emotional black mail from him and the uncertainty of what his next move is, I think he will cancel the DDs and the house bills will go into arrears.

So much to think about.

OP posts:
DragonsCanHop · 23/02/2016 22:21

Oh, and I have no one else I could put as next of kin apart from DD1 or my best friend or my new rescue dog !

OP posts:
Atenco · 23/02/2016 22:43

Shouldn't you be entitled to free legal aid, Dragon, considering you are a victim of DV?

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