Someone called the police for DV

[DragonsCanHop]

"D"H exploded last night in front of the children over something really stupid (DDs) phone going off when we were sleeping.

He slammed doors and shouted at the children making them all scream and cry, I jumped up to defend them, told him he can't slam doors and talk to them like that. I got in between him and the bedroom door frame and he pulled me out of the way.

He was up in my face sneering at me, he called me all sorts of names and threatened to push me down the stairs, he was yelling at the top of his voice and I was telling him he had to go down stairs at least so I could settle the DC.

Eventually he did but only after yet more name calling with a look of disgust on his face.

I settled the youngest easily (told her it was a bad dream) and eldest came in with me and it all calmed down.

Next thing I know there are 2 policeman at the door, someone had heard him and called 999.

They wanted to arrest him but as it's not happened before and I'm still not sure why he did it I told them he didn't hurt me and I didn't tell them about him threatening me. They said they would log it as a disturbance after completing a DV log sheet.

He messaged our daughter this morning after leaving for work and asked if she called the police. We didn't reply.

I messaged him and told him to find somewhere to stay, we need time apart he replied no and then asked if I was throwing him out over a stupid call on our DDS phone.

I haven't replied and I've left my mobile at home, he keeps calling my work phone.

Please tell me I'm not making too much of this, I feel like I can't make a choice of what to do from now but I know he can't be happy and I've not been happy for a while either but never expected anything like this, he hates me.

OP. You may have already completed the WTC form, but feel free to PM me if you have any questions. I have filled in many of them for clients over the years, so feel free to ask for any help.

Great idea re the rescue dog Dragons. Your dd's will love it! Hope dd's visit goes ok and he doesn't put any pressure on her

I hope he realises this visit with DD3 is a test, if he upsets her or asks inappropriate questions it would be entirely appropriate to refuse further contact or restrict it to supervised only. Let's hope he's on his best behaviour. Fantastic idea to foster a dog, rescues are crying out for people like you

Little star is coming for a foster home check tomorrow afternoon.

She is very scared in the kennels and has been there 3 months, she isn't fearful of humans or other dogs but is still quite jumpy at sudden noises.

Drop of and pick up went well apart from DD3 bursting into tears when she got in my car asking why I won't let daddy come to his own home, daddy has no where to live. So I asked her if he is living in the woods or in a cardboard box outside Asda and she laughed and said no, a hotel room. So I said he does have some where to live then doesn't he!

I then showed her pictures of star and explained how we are going to look after her for 2 weeks to teach how lovely people are and teach her how to love people and she is happy as Larry.

Oh and he only went and put the suitcase back in the boot of my car whilst I was cuddling DD!!

That suitcase is his 'tie' to you, iyswim. A reason you have to keep in contact with him. He thinks of it as his 'foot in the door'. It's pretty much what he has left to 'control' you with (in his mind); "Bring me the suitcase", "Get me XX from the suitcase". It's a weird 'as long as this suitcase is there……..' thing.

If there's any way you can get rid of it, do. I think it would be an important psychological 'move'. Is there any way you can put it in the boot of HIS car in the work or hotel car park? Drop it at a friends? Burn it in a ritualistic bonfire?

Dragons I've commented very early in your thread and have just caught up on your progress.
I can't believe how brilliantly you are doing. You were so afraid and unsure when he first left and you are now so confident and capable (it reminds me of a song )
You're an amazing woman and a real inspiration, and I've no doubt that your daughters will be eternally grateful to have such a strong mother.

Sweets cure everything, they have trotted off to the corner shop with £1 each.

I'm playing very loud music and putting the washing away trying not to think of DD and her tears.

I'm not sure if he said I'm stopping him coming home or what she thinks, it's her birthday soon and she wants us to all be together.

Can I have a glass of wine at 3.30 on a Sunday?

Crate is all up with snuggly towels in it and a big duvet over the top for star to have some where of her own, tempted to crawl in there mysel right now.

My poor baby girls

Oh Dragons, you did perfectly with the reply re DH. I bet you she asked where he was living & he said nowhere.... He was bound to be full of questions re how it was going at home.
Little Star sounds like a little bit of love, quiet & feeling safe will make you all, including the dog just melt with happiness !!! I hope it works out.

Don't lose sight of the fact that only recently DD1 said to granny it was better at home without XP !!!, so not "poor baby girls" at all. They will adjust & thank you for it later on.

Do you know which hotel he is staying at? Leave it at reception if so. Otherwise take it to a friends house of his - or last resort take it to the front desk of your local police station and tell them he is using it as an excuse to continue the controlling behaviour and dv so he can collect it from there.

How on earth are you going to let star go though, when it is time? I have a new puppy rescue, seven month old companion to my older dog. I have only had him for two weeks and I'm totally in love with him! and would be stricken with grief if I couldn't keep him

I love what you told dd about looking after the dog and teaching her how to love people, love it. It's such a lovely thing to do, and there is a clear timetable of two weeks, so of course you won't all be grief-stricken as you know she's just coming for a bit. A very cheering thing for you all

If it all works out I know we will all fall in love but I was worried about how much it would cost to pay the rescue if I kept her.

The lady said, take it a day at a time, keep in touch and we can always work something out. But sshhhh don't tell the DC he is going to go fucking mental when he finds out what I've done and there is nothing he can do about it

Star is tiny so won't cost much food wise and I will gradually take her off of the dry food she has now on to a raw diet which I used to love working out and sorting for Roxy, who needed four times more food than star seeing as she was a puppy rottie not a corgi mix (we think she may have a bit of collie in her)

Won't the raw diet will cost more ? Also, If it doesn't work out & you have to return the dog, she will then have to go back onto dry food.
Just a thought

Good luck with letting go. We fostered a dog 3 years ago and guess who's snuggled under the blanket on my lap? Guess who rules the roost? Yep. He's now King of the Castle.

We had a timetable, too. The day before we were supposed to take him back to the shelter we were in tears. They asked us to keep him a bit longer as his owner was going to go on trial as being unfit to keep him. He ended up being determined unfit and the dog was released for adoption. Needless to say we were overjoyed.

I did think about that so I'm going to stick with naturediet trays which isn't traditional raw but still better, imo than dried dog food. It's £5 for 5 trays and 5 trays would feed for 10 days.

If she does end up not being a foster dog I will think about it then.

DD has still been in tears he basically told her he has no where to live, he hasn't eaten for days and I've thrown him out and stopped anyone wanting to see him for no reason. DD has said I'm unfair and it wasn't just daddy did the shouting so why should I get to decide he can't come home and if daddy isn't allowed home just for shouting at mummy then DD2 should have to leave as well.

No more contact then if he's going to upset her so much and manipulate her. He can have supervised contact in a controlled environment for the DCs benefit only until he can behave appropriately.

So He has done one. Thinking of himself as always.
There is nothing stopping him getting a flat, he is deliberately refusing to accept your life together is over.
Yes Controlled environment next time.
Speak to SHL

It's like he has forgotten how unhappy we have been for so long, he doesn't seem to understand that the way our family lived isn't how it should be.

He really doesn't get how controlling he was and how we were walking on egg shells doing everything his way because even if I cleaned the bathroom he had to do it again because it wasn't done his way, he would say we did nothing and he did all the cleaning but it's because he moaned, grumped at stomped about so much we just stayed out of his way.

I know he had a bad upbringing so maybe doesn't know how it should be but he is in his late 40s, married before (divorced with no DC) before he met me.

He doesn't remember all the times he has had me in tears or in knots of anxiety over days of being ignored, made to feel bad, made to feel like I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, wasn't strong enough to be on my own.

Caused issues and arguments between the DC if I ever, so ever rarely went out which made me not enjoy my evening and knowing he would be waiting up for me to see what time I came home.

He must have been squirreling money away some where or how because I've survived the month with what was/is I the account whilst he hasn't touched the account once it was all put back into the joint account so what, where and on who has he been doing with it?

It's like I'm being punished because he wasn't good enough, 15 years I've been married and really tried my best but I can honestly say I feel better here on my own with the DC and felt nothing when I saw him today (we didn't speak to each other at all) he just looked really cross with me like this is all my doing

I hope he gets himself some help because he must be so unhappy living such an angry life.

I would have happily let him see the DC, all of them when they are ready weekday evening access, weekend day outs but how can he do that to his 7yr old, why would you do that, I just don't understand it at all.

Lovely news about the Dog.

Horrible news, but not surprising about your ex h to be. What a twat. I'd be not letting him see the kids now til he grows up for a while.

True to form he's put himself before DD3's feelings, agree speak to SHL about supervised contact from now on. I predict that you will completely fail at fostering and Star will be a permanent fixture in no time, yay

Dragons have some un-MN ((hugs))

You have been so strong throughout this and it is beyond unfair that this abuser is STILL trying to manipulate and control you with his transparent suitcase games, and now by deliberately hurting and confusing his own daughter, who does not have the adult mental defences to sort the lies from the truth.

I do not see anything wrong now with telling her "Yes there was shouting from both sides, but the reason daddy can't live here anymore is that he threatened to hurt mummy. We keep ourselves safe from people who hit us, because when you love someone, you don't hurt them, either with your words or your hands."

You can also reassure her that yes he does have food because if he wasn't eating then he would be in the fucking hospital pityu he's not

I think now you must stop any further contact. Make sure you keep a note of everything that's been said today by your poor DD. Are they all back to school tomorrow - sorry you've probably said already?

Of course he 'doesn't remember' you've all been unhappy. Because he hasn't been unhappy, has he? You've all been dancing to his tune and if he's acted as if he's been unhappy it was simply to get his own way, wasn't it? He's been perfectly content and why shouldn't he have been? I'd be perfectly content too if I managed to get everyone on eggshells so I got my way all the time. Phfffft!!! Fuck his 'bad upbringing'! No matter how 'bad' one's upbringing has been there comes a time when we each have to accept responsibility for how we behave in our own lives. And I'd say that by the age of 40 he should have done that by now! I'd like to give him a swift kick up the arse! Fuck him from here to the next county line! Do NOT let him make you feel responsible for his failings as a husband or father. Just. do. NOT!!!

I agree that any future contact with DD3 needs to be supervised, and by someone who will pull him up right then and there if he starts in with the manipulative statements.

It would be interesting to get his ex-wife's perspective on his behaviour, wouldn't it?

He can go to court for any further access if he can't agree to NOT try to turn his poor innocent child into a fucking weapon to weedle his way back in. Disgusting.

He hasn't eaten for days? Fucking liar. What a thing to say to a child.

The fact that he said all that to her with no thought to how that would affect her only illustrates what a nasty immature selfish bastard he is.
Pocketsaviours suggestion on what to say to her was good I think...
I know it's awful to think of her crying.but imagine if they didn't have you as the stable and loving presence in their lives-they are lucky to have one good parent because he certainly hasn't been that...
Also agree re getting rid of the suitcase.its ridiculous for him not to to take it.