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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Someone called the police for DV

889 replies

DragonsCanHop · 04/02/2016 11:09

"D"H exploded last night in front of the children over something really stupid (DDs) phone going off when we were sleeping.

He slammed doors and shouted at the children making them all scream and cry, I jumped up to defend them, told him he can't slam doors and talk to them like that. I got in between him and the bedroom door frame and he pulled me out of the way.

He was up in my face sneering at me, he called me all sorts of names and threatened to push me down the stairs, he was yelling at the top of his voice and I was telling him he had to go down stairs at least so I could settle the DC.

Eventually he did but only after yet more name calling with a look of disgust on his face.

I settled the youngest easily (told her it was a bad dream) and eldest came in with me and it all calmed down.

Next thing I know there are 2 policeman at the door, someone had heard him and called 999.

They wanted to arrest him but as it's not happened before and I'm still not sure why he did it I told them he didn't hurt me and I didn't tell them about him threatening me. They said they would log it as a disturbance after completing a DV log sheet.

He messaged our daughter this morning after leaving for work and asked if she called the police. We didn't reply.

I messaged him and told him to find somewhere to stay, we need time apart he replied no and then asked if I was throwing him out over a stupid call on our DDS phone.

I haven't replied and I've left my mobile at home, he keeps calling my work phone.

Please tell me I'm not making too much of this, I feel like I can't make a choice of what to do from now but I know he can't be happy and I've not been happy for a while either but never expected anything like this, he hates me.

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kittybiscuits · 04/02/2016 18:40

I'm not saying you should tell your employer, but it's his shame not yours,regarding thinking you have to keep it a secret Flowers

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SometimesItRains · 04/02/2016 19:22

Some great advice and well done for staying strong. I just wanted to add that I have two DCs and my own life obviously, but if any of my mum friends needed help in a situation like this I would do whatever I could to help them. Try your RL mum friends, they will hopefully surprise you.

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Morasssassafras · 04/02/2016 19:42

Well done. Hopefully the police will have flagged your number and address now so if anything happens then ring them straight away.

Make women's aid your first port of call. They've helped many women through the maze and should be able to put you in touch with local outreach services who can support you. Take all help offered. There is no point running yourself ragged trying to figure it all out yourself when there are people who can help.

If you have a hr department then please consider letting them have at least a brief outline (domestic violence, police involved, husband not allowed near you).

Solicitor will be for getting some sort of non molestation and/or not letting him in the house order. WA can advise.

You are doing brilliantly. Be nice to yourself. Ignore any housework and have a hot bath, good book etc.

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DragonsCanHop · 04/02/2016 19:49

I've just had a bath funnily enough Mora

The police have called and they can't find him. He was supposed to be booked into a hotel but he isn't there. They advised to stay locked in a call them straight away if needed. It's scary that they recently shut our local station so hope some one isn't too far if needed.

I can't find his recent payslips so I'm going to try and crack the online banking password, he has all that.

So much to do and I've got work to catch up on tonight as well. I've spoken to a good friend tonight so have some support, just need to battery down the hatches so to speak and see if we can get a couple of days peace.

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fohamy12 · 04/02/2016 20:08

You are being so brave Flowers

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gingerdad · 04/02/2016 20:17

Can't add anything useful. Just wishing you good luck.

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UsernameIncorrect · 04/02/2016 20:18

I wish my mum had been as strong as you are being. Her not getting rid of my father has damaged me and my siblings so much. Well done and the best of luck x

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DragonsCanHop · 04/02/2016 20:23

I'm living on fresh air fohamy I'm trying not to think about it and put the stock to good use. What documents do I need to colect.

Weirdly his payslips are missing from June 15 to last months, we always keep them in the same place. I will have to look online.

I've told another friend so that's 3 for me and I've let the DC speak to their friends and told them it's not our shame to keep.

Just trying to settle them to sleep. Thank you for today it really has helped and I was so nervous of posting Flowers

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BertieBotts · 04/02/2016 20:36

One day at a time, one thing at a time. One foot in front of the other.

You're doing amazingly. It's always such a shocking thing but you're doing everything right. Well done on telling people too and telling DC they are allowed to talk about it. You're fab Flowers

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MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 04/02/2016 20:50

The missing payslips is worrying

Prepare to find a few things out about your DH as this all unravels

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BonitaFangita · 04/02/2016 20:53

Not really got anything practical to add Dragons, my heart breaks for what you and your lovely daughters are going through, you deserve so much better than this.
I think you're doing remarkably well, I guess you'll have some dark days ahead as you husband starts to realise how badly he's fucked up. Always remember you're doing this for your daughters (and yourself obviously) and you'll al come out of this stronger and happier because of it.
Good luck, I think you're doing brilliantly Flowers

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WhatTheActualFugg · 04/02/2016 20:57

Are you sure he's actually been at work OP? This is possibly a major conspiracy theory, but you do hear of people usually men who lose their jobs and just keep going out each day pretending it's not happened. Perhaps that would explain him losing the plot. Explain, not excuse.

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flanjabelle · 04/02/2016 21:05

You utter superwoman. You are doing incredibly and your girls are lucky to have you as a role model. Well done op, bloody well done.

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WeAllHaveWings · 04/02/2016 21:22

Missing payslips may be innocent. Our work changed to online payslips last year so we don't get paper copies anymore.

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DragonsCanHop · 04/02/2016 21:28

Defiantly in work every day, we work together, there are email trails and daily work related calls. He earns the money in the big boss role and I'm part of the HR/payroll/PA team for a different branch at the company.

It will all come out soon because we are due to go away with work, me in a partner of role with all of the senior managers and their wives and I'm not going so he will need to tell them something and if he makes it up I know a few of the wives will get in touch and ask if I'm ok and I will not tell them anything more than we are divorcing and you need to talk to him about it because it's my private business.

I don't feel very strong at all but I have had some toast just now so that's the first thing I've eaten all day.

It feels so calm here and not one of the DC have mentioned him since our chat this afternoon.

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Gobletofgin · 04/02/2016 21:41

You are doing really well, try to keep being brave, you are doing the right thing. I don't know how to link to another post, but if you advance search my user name, a couple of weeks ago I did a post for someone else with safety planning tips, might be worth a read Flowers

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Gobletofgin · 04/02/2016 21:47

It's on page 16 of the thread where the ops dh had tried to strangle her.

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dunfightin · 04/02/2016 21:56

If you work in HR, is there someone there you can trust to explain? Good HR can be fantastic, but only you will know whether to trust someone.
Call 101 - you can call anytime and they give calls a priority - ask if the DV unit people can come and see you tomorrow re safety, support and signposting on to further support.
Also it might be worth phoning SS yourself to see what they can do to help. Again they are there to help and support, not to cause further problems and it is very likely the police will have passed your details on given that DCs witnessed DV.
Another thing to do is get a telephone appointment with your GP. You can be off work for several days without a certificate but if you need more time, GP can give you a certificate and if you explain they can be vague. You can cal WA anytime and again they have useful advice for your area and if you are lucky there may be enough support workers to visit you.
The more advice and support you have the better prepared you will be in knowing how to move forward and deal with benefits and whatever else helps.
Do you have any idea who called the police? Again, you may find that whoever did will be a good neighbour to you and the DCs. The police will know but whether they can tell you will depend.
And remember there is no shame in having been a victim of DV. Anything awful is due entirely to your H's appalling behaviour.
Try to get some sleep but don't push yourself as regards work Flowers

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DragonsCanHop · 04/02/2016 21:57

Thank you Goble I can't find it right now but I will look again tomorrow. I've also been searching for an old thread I had on here in 2010/2011 under my other name but I think my brain is giving up for tonight, just waiting for DC to nod off and then I'm off to bed.

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DragonsCanHop · 04/02/2016 22:00

X post but thank you Dun can I have your username please? Smile

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ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 04/02/2016 22:14

Well done op. You're doing brilliantly.

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DragonsCanHop · 04/02/2016 22:26

Oh, they are sleeping, both totally out for the count.

DD2 did come down at 9 and said "daddy text me, he said goodnight" should I reply?

Ouch

I told her of course she should reply if she wants to and reminded her that the phone needs to be off at 9 so she best be quick, she said she might wait till the morning.

I'm not going to get upset, I'm going to get some sleep and sort my plan for tomorrow.

I'm really jittery sitting here, every time a car drives slowly by or a friend pings a message, I'm so jumpy.

And I really wish I could find my thread from the last time, I want to remind myself what it was like then and how it hasn't changed.

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AlwaysHopeful1 · 04/02/2016 22:31

You really are doing so well DragonThanks
The most important thing here is you have stood up for your dd's and have set a clear example of what they should not tolerate.
I like that you have told them it's not their shame to bear, that's really good advice.
Just take it one step at a time, remember you are doing the best thing for your girls and yourself. X

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WhatTheActualFugg · 04/02/2016 22:40

Dragon If you're using the same email or ip address as when you wrote this previous thread you're looking for, I'm sure MNHQ could find it for you. If you ask them nicely and offer lots of Cake Smile

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DragonsCanHop · 04/02/2016 22:48

I'm just writing this so its here because I've had a thought about him fixating on DC1 saying she will call the police (she didn't) but that is all he texted in the morning to her.

He grew up in s home like many that have posted here for me, he climbed out of windows and run to telephone boxes to help his mum who was treated much worse than he is treating me at this point

He had no compassion or empathy towards DD and her position in all of this that he has put her in, nothing.

He always said he wouldn't be his dad/step day but here we are and how sad it is.

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