Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

Oh I love the fact you did that!!! He so wants to believe that you don't get money, can't budget, don't deserve to know etc...

remember he probably gets even more than you have worked out, as working abroad, premiums, bonuses, meals with clients, clothes allowance, travel etc etc.

Good point, mix!

Whether that's a factor in CMS calculations, though....

I'm sure mo is right on that let me of investigation! I have faith in her budgeting and maths.

But hey, what do I know, I'm just some dumb broad.

Line, not let me. #naughtyphone

Bonus...! I will just drop that in at the next opportunity, 'not to mention your bonus' haha.
He may shoot me down yet but I am feeling great right now.

Random, I'm having fun with it...a serious situation but I can't let him kill my spirit goddammit.

Aye, we could still have been married and had separate bank accounts (and a prenup if he were that bloody desperate). But no real reason, I've never been that interested and desire to have DC came first.

great stuff!

Btw, he has offered to talk to you over Skype simply and solely because he knows how awkward and difficult you would find it and knows you'll refuse it. He is a nasty, nasty piece of work.

Fighting back & getting feisty is all very good news !!

Yes he is nasty. He replied to my detailed email about finances, but funnily enough ignored all the important parts thereby not actually acknowledging if what I'd worked out was correct and that there is a huge pot of money left over every month. Instead he just responded to something I'd said about a situation we're having with one of the DC and ended it with 'and if you want to do that, you'll have to get a job'. The 'get a job' mantra never goes away. Maybe he thinks if he says it at the end of every interaction I'll eventually go zombie-like to the nearest place to get a job.

So anyway I couldn't resist and made an analogy, seeing as he likes to express things that way himself. The area he works in is behind the scenes so to speak, so not actually related to the sales or income generating side of things. So I asked him if that meant his role was any less valuable just because he doesn't personally generate any income for the business. NO! Of course not, I said, the two are codependent in order to run a successful business. Not so difficult to understand, is it.

Also, I forgot to fill you in with a gem of a thing he said in an earlier email: 'Yes the kids are full time work but a change is as good as a rest as they say, and you'd have more cash for it = cash problem solved'.

Mo's on fire! Love the work annaolgy. As for a chance is a good as a rest! Next time he comes home go away for the weekend and leave him all kids and housework and say well it's a change from work for you so this must be a rest!!

I give him one thing he is stubbornly consistent. In a totally deluded off this planet way.

Hi Mo,
it is quite clear now that he will never change, he doesn't value your role in the family, cash is king and that is that. He is leaving you with no choice but to leave or stay under his 'rules' is he?
It must be so hard on you to see his true colours and have to face a future that is not the one you envisaged. You are being very brave, your strength comes through with every update and I am certain you will be able to forge ahead and make wonderful life for you and your children, lets face it, with him away you are basically a single parent at the moment.
You are wasting energy trying to 'make him see sense' it won't happen, he has a fixed idea in his mind how life should be and it fundamentally clashes with your wishes.

Actually it's very sad and you be must be feeling so hurt at the moment.

I'm glad you've have seen his true colours now and not even further down the line.

I know what you're saying about it being a waste of time but after fifteen years, three children and a family home - I have to give it a go just so at least I can say I tried everything possible.

I'm not sure how much point there is in trying everything possible when the two of you clearly don't even like each other.

Of course Mo, I am sure we all totally understand that. Just remember one thing, if you do split up, it is not you that has left him as such, he has made you by his unreasonable behaviour, he will have broken up the home all by himself. I really do hope he has a massive lightbulb moment, really I do, I just really doubt it will happen, as I said before, cash is king, and that is a pity. I had a Dad like this, totally obsessed with money, I won't go into how that turned out as it is not my thread, but it was not a happy ending. You continue to have my best wishes.

Annarose, that's tough. We used to like each other, a lot, and when you've invested what we have into the relationship you cling on to the hope it might come back. Pretty slim obviously but still worth a last shot.

Maybe its ultimatum time? put your big girl pants on, & tell him to stop being such a manipulative arse hole. he wanted a family too, if he didn't he could have stayed single, made lots of money & then sat & counted it.
The kids & coincidentally the mother, are here, they exist, & rather than being a miserly bastard, he needs to offer you the same comfort, financial & moral, as he offers himself.
He doesn't get a free live in housekeeper. or if he did, it would be an illegal immigrant.
You are happy to return to work, when the time is right, you are not happy with MIL being nanny, & in the mean time he has to consult, & share,
like in any functioning relationship
This, or you are going to seek legal advice, & will be getting half the house plus CB, & he can see what the judge gives him as access to DCs

I know it was a bit bald, and I'm sorry. It just seems to me that it's being forgotten.

It's like: if he'll just loosen the purse strings then everything will be fine. But there's no mention of love, or even like.

Aren't you supposed to be best buddies when you're in a relationship? What's the point otherwise?

It is indeed, Mix. I have a few more things to line up first but it is imminent and it is the next step.
More things keep coming back to me too. Some of them extremely painful yet at the time I just let them wash over me. I can't let him cause any more pain and let even more bad memories build up:

It's OK Annarose, I agree with you anyway. Absolutely what's the point. He's been backed into an apology before and it clearly didn't change anything - bit like asking a toddler to say sorry through gritted teeth looking the other way.
He's not my mate, you're right, you would drop a friend instantly if they behaved like this.

Yes, you would, Mo. What you are doing at the moment is being stuck in the sunk cost fallacy. It's when one's invested badly, but keeps chucking more in because it could make everything different this time. It doesn't work. One has to leave that investment, give up on it, and put ones resources to work somewhere else, somewhere which works better.

At the moment you're throwing everything you have into a big pit, and you will never have enough to turn it into a hill, or even a tiny mound. This pit swallows everything you have, everything your children have. The only answer that will satisfy is to go, stop, leave. You are on the brink, just picking up the last pieces.

I'm afraid I agree .... I truly believe he will play the EA cycle, & give some leash temporarily. end then......same old story.

I can see Mo saying, at least I can say, I tried one last time.
But in reality it's him who should be trying to win you back

You have it there Mix he should, sadly there are none so blind that will not see.
I would love to hear his take on all this, I really would. He really thinks he is 'the boss' and I doubt is has even crossed his mind that Mo could leave.
He may have a helluva shock coming.
You know, years ago I met a (lush) guy (from a very wealthy background) and we went on a few dates, he was clear from the outset he wanted an ambitious woman, any children would be looked after by a nanny and he would never have a wife who was content to stay home, these things were not me but I always respected his honesty and had I chosen to stick around I could not have ever claimed he hadn't been upfront with me. Mr Mo has moved the goalposts, my partner and I often 'check in' with each other about future plans, who is earning most, who could get a raise, you know, what works for us in raising 'young grumpy' and what we would like from each other ("yes, do that course, I will hold the fort")
I guess we have partnership (by no means perfect, don't think that) but we see each other as equal.
Rambling again, sorry.

I think sadly the only thing that has made him twitch is me mentioning child maintenance. The rest is all irrelevant. I feel very sad to say this but I think the thought of him being 'lumbered' by his own kids at the weekend will also make him twitch. Oh no! I can't go and play sport all day long and they'll dirty my car! And what will I do with a girl?!
Very sad but it's what I genuinely think will cross his mind first. Selfish git.