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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Financial control - Part 2

998 replies

AngryMo · 01/02/2016 08:39

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

OP posts:
Jux · 01/02/2016 22:45

Well done MO!!! CakeWine[balloons][champagne]

Hooray for you!

Do you feel empowered? I hope you feel more confident now you have validation.

notapizzaeater · 01/02/2016 22:54

Well done, must have been draining for you.

Agree make copies and keep them elsewhere, my friend was collating everything and DH found it and burnt it all :-(

pog100 · 01/02/2016 23:07

Just in response to your question, you don't get the deeds until your mortgage is paid off, the mortgage company will be holding them. However nowadays a solicitor can access all they need online through the land registry.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 01/02/2016 23:42

Great update Mo.

Lookingvfirward to the day you can NC to ContentedMo. Grin

Original poster
AngryMo · 02/02/2016 03:02

Pog100, ah, yes of course...I forgot they hold them for you. Do you know if it's possible to obtain a copy though?

Far from feeling empowered I had a massive meltdown last night - well, only a few hours ago. I had a sort of panic attack. I've had one before and this was similar. I was crying uncontrollably for some time.

Before this though, I just thought what the hell, I'm going to just ask him why he only allows what he does per month and if it's all he can afford, and why he based it on benefits.

He answered, but he didn't answer the question why. He just repeated that he believes it is adequate and then denied the benefits comparison, he says what he said was it is actually more than someone on benefits would actually get plus all bills are paid too.

I don't remember what he said exactly before, but it doesn't matter any more, he's stated the above now.

He says if I can't budget accordingly, then as he's said before, I need to work part time with the parental support he has confirmed is available. Also, this budget is only to last until September, after which he expects me to earn £1k a month, provided he is back in the UK. So it sounds like that will be it for me, no more hand outs (I know, just using his terminology/thinking).

He's rattled me again. This happens after every interaction. Anyway I've sent a response to that saying he hasn't answered my question and I need to know why the amount is what it is because it is disproportionately low for a man on his income and that I need to know the full picture because it's nigh on impossible to understand without. I've also, in a very calm way, explained that I am not coping and it is not purely about money, it's about support, understanding and recognition of what I am doing.

I am not in a good place.

OP posts:
Atenco · 02/02/2016 03:57

Well done, OP, in going to CAB. About paying the lawyers bills, if financial abuse is now a crime, does that not mean that victims of financial abuse get free legal aid?

trackrBird · 02/02/2016 05:08

I'm not surprised Mo.

What a revolting man.

Anniegetyourgun · 02/02/2016 05:18

Having a good cry is allowed, you know. It doesn't mean you're not strong. It's just letting yourself acknowledge you're in a shit situation you really don't want or deserve to be in. Later you pull yourself back together and keep on trudgin'. It's fine. Or rather, it's going to be.

KiwiJude · 02/02/2016 06:58

Mo, pack up your kids and possessions (make sure you throw in some of his fancy wines too) and feck off out of Dodge. Do it now. He is just dispicable and I hurt for you.

PhoenixReisling · 02/02/2016 07:08

There are no words.....Angry

He expects you to earn £1000 per month.....

What a twunt

Flowers for you.

Original poster
AngryMo · 02/02/2016 08:03

I wonder what happens to me and the kids if I don't earn £1,000/month. He'll be driving around in his overpriced car while we eat beans on toast every night? He's lost his mind. Actually no, he's always been this way, I just never saw it. This is not a new thing.

OP posts:
bb888 · 02/02/2016 08:07

At least you are seeing it clearly now, and so able to take action Flowers

gingerdad · 02/02/2016 08:07

What a twat.

Good luck mo.

Cantthinkofafunnyname · 02/02/2016 08:22

Don't worry about the crying, it's natural given all the stress you're under at the moment. Give yourself the time and space to cry and be upset, you're going through a sort of mourning process. You're mourning the loss of the relationship you thought you had and the loss of the person you thought you'd married. It takes time to process this big change in your reality.

On the upside though he is giving you a great gift in putting it all in writing! My exh would say things like that but then when challenged would deny it (he was a master gas lighter) so it made it difficult to "prove" what he was doing.

I would be very tempted if I were you to copy all these emails to all your friends and family once you have properly separated. Get in first and show him up for exactly what he is. I tried to keep the high ground and not go into details when I separated thinking that would be better for the long term relationship (as we still had to co-parent for a long time ahead) but then found out he'd bad mouthed me to all my family and friends. By the time I told my side it was too late for some and I lost quite a few friends over it.

Thanks
mix56 · 02/02/2016 09:06

Mo, You must be so sad that it has come to this, & all, frankly, easily avoidable. if only he wasn't....... ah, but stop there, he is, a financial abuser.
You will inevitably have low points, & still he isn't there to support or understand. Infact he is just a self serving bully bastard
I think I would go & see mil, maybe call her before & see if you can get her alone ? & ask her is she is really ready to look after 3 children? including possible school drops/collect, an activity (for one), homework, when they are ill, the meals, the snacks, naps, playing, bath time, bed time,.....
because P has announced you have to return to work & participate at least 1K (was this before or after tax btw ?) & you don't know where you will be able to get a job, you don't know if it will be 9-5, or night shift. You must get her to see the picture, in that P says he isn't providing more than 89p pp per meal (not including eventual snacks, & is demanding you return to work to cover anything else. (OBVIOUSLY this sum will go down if your mil is looking after DCs, as they will be getting food there !) and you have been told she will be providing child care. maybe mil should tell him she wants £1000 a month
It may be that fil law has just given this the green light & she hasn't been given a choice or really thought through the whole plan.

Is there's a possibility that she sees you are distress & try to help you ?

petalsandstars · 02/02/2016 09:29

Mo - it's February now. 7 months until the start of September. Don't panic.

You have time to get yourself prepared. I don't think you're there yet but when you have your ducks in a row and somewhere safe to live (without him ) and money / benefits / whatever sorted out please report his abuse to the police. He has given you the evidence on a plate.

Original poster
AngryMo · 02/02/2016 09:41

Does anyone know the exact document that shows whether ownership of a house is a joint tenancy agreement or tenants in common? Or ownership of different percentages?
Is it the title register (title deed) or title plan? Looking it up on land registry site but doesn't explain.

OP posts:
mix56 · 02/02/2016 09:46

sorry, unable to advise, google it ?

Original poster
AngryMo · 02/02/2016 09:47

Ok think it's the title deed. Going to order.

OP posts:
Akire · 02/02/2016 09:57

Good to hear from you Mo thought you may have had a blip yesterday as you were quiet. Totally understandable , you need to have cry and rage at some point you spend so much time holding it all together in front of kids and friends and outside world bound to get to you.

He really has some serious issues not only does he expect you to live on strict income for no good reason, he expects you to provide all care and home work and come September he expects you to earn for the privilege too. £1000 is more than you get now so will be in profit in his twisted mind. Really baffling.

One thing his mum looking after one child few hours quite another expect her do all school runs pick ups all day and holiday childcare. Can expect him not to care impact on his mother but what will his father say if his quiet and peace and tidy home descends into chaos? Not that you are going to use it!

DoreenLethal · 02/02/2016 10:04

Hi Mo

Been ill myself, just here to carry on supporting you.

Original poster
AngryMo · 02/02/2016 11:26

Poor you Doreen, offering you hand holding too.
I've never had mental health issues in my life but this is starting to affect my mental health and is therefore a massive sign to me to get the hell out.

OP posts:
Original poster
AngryMo · 02/02/2016 11:32

He thinks £1k a month constitutes a part time job - well it might be if I were on his monstrous salary but for me to go back to work after a break of three years is unlikely to pay that well - especially if I freelance. I will need to build up my clients slowly, and if he really thinks all I can do is a minimum wage job (please understand I am not saying there is anything wrong with this - in fact if I find myself going solo I will probably have to do some min wage work too), he's belittling my capacities.
I've sent yet another email about the stuff he can't deal with - emotions, feelings, emotional distress, and at the end said not to make light of it or ignore it and if he does, it will merely confirm things for me.
Even if I fly it written overhead on a luminous orange banner he won't get it, will he?

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 02/02/2016 11:36

Thank you sweetie - but I am on the mend now :0

I don't think you will be with him come September so just put the worrying about that out of your mind. Just try and get a decent response and keep up the pretence of arguing with him whilst you get your ducks in line.

RandomMess · 02/02/2016 12:37

Just huge hugs he really is something else, that he can write that is it your budget whilst he's going out etc. at great at expense Angry

It says everything that he thinks his mum should look after his children full time for free - what little he really thinks of her, that she doesn't deserve to take life easier at her age etc.

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