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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Financial control - Part 2

998 replies

AngryMo · 01/02/2016 08:39

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

OP posts:
Jux · 02/02/2016 12:49

He is dreadful. Keep the conversation going, it's really helpful.

Ring WA too; you've had confirmation from CAB that his behaviour is unacceptable, you won't be wasting their time and you could do with their expertise.

Grumpyoldblonde · 02/02/2016 12:58

Hmmm, gets worse with every update, I would really think about getting the house valued now, even if you just get an idea from Zoopla. You can also call the mortgage company to get an outstanding balance - best be prepared. did you think about selling a few bits (jewellery maybe) to start a fund?
you are doing great, and it is normal to be reeling and upset.

mix56 · 02/02/2016 13:01

Actually Random, I was just thinking, how insulting that he preferred the idea of his mother raising them than Mo, plus it means that he can keep all his salary, & Mo can take some crap job, do all the housework, & remaining children work, stop making any demands on him, & he can drive around in his Porsche.
= Free housekeeper, plus matrimonial benefits

PhoenixReisling · 02/02/2016 13:20

You are exactly right there Mix

But he would also expect on these wages for Mo to pay her way also...food..Bills...mortgage.

So essentially she would be worse off then and doing even more than she does now.

Mo I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. What do you want him to say in his reply? Are you hoping that he realises in some way that he is wrong...and wants forgiveness?

Listen, actions speak louder than words but the emails are very very useful to you.

He is working abroad, only Skypes you all once a week (no phonecalls), plans trips but doesn't ask when/where etc your car will be mended, hasn't left details of insurance or even emergency funds for repairs to boilers etc and you have to beg/account for any money spent/you need.

There was no wonder the CAB official widened her eyes and looked shocked is there?

This is financial and emotional abuse.

Original poster
AngryMo · 02/02/2016 15:37

No response, so there we are. My confirmation. It was my last olive branch or whatever, last appeal, last glimmer of hope that he might think shit, I'm going to lose my home and my family.
But sadly not.

I'll get the house valued asap and tell him we might as well sell because this is no family home. I (and him) am hugely advantaged in that the value of our house has shot up since we bought it so there is potentially a lot of equity and the investment in this house will be the thing that saves me.

Just had a long conversation with a friend who has been through this himself and received huge reassurances from him: he reckons that the CSA will enforce much larger payments than I thought because of my circumstances and his salary - something to check next week in next CAB meeting. He has also said he would be able to help me out whenever whatever happens, with money, car etc. Wow people are so damn kind. I am so touched. He says finances are the last of my troubles. I tend to agree, this house and CM, few benefits, 20 hours of freelancing a week...it sounds like it might actually work.

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Original poster
AngryMo · 02/02/2016 15:39

Mood swing madness though...from hyperventilating last night to breathing more calmly now and thinking rationally. I don't want to cry any more.

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PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 02/02/2016 16:05

Wow! Sounds like, in practical terms, you're making great strides. Emotionally you'll catch up. You'll be fine.

I'm gloomily predicting that STBX will probably accuse you of having an affair with your friend. So, watch your back there.

Grumpyoldblonde · 02/02/2016 16:15

Perfectly normal Mo, to feel like this, easier to stay in the prison you know than escape to freedom. You are bound to have wild mood swings, he has had every chance, you have good friends, good parents and us lot backing you.

Imagine the day, when you have taken the children somewhere nice, maybe treated them to takeout pizza for tea, then a friend over in the evening for a nice glass of wine, nobody checking what it cost, no tiptoeing around in case you 'overspent' your budget be it large or small. You will be able to control your life as you, as a grown up woman see fit.
Onwards Mo, upwards.

Original poster
AngryMo · 02/02/2016 16:36

PSE, he can accuse all he likes...friend is actually my friend's husband and they have a fabulous marriage, it is just glaringly obvious how much he adores and worships his wife. Stark and sad contrast to my own relationship. My friend is lucky to have a man like him, and he's equally lucky to have her - and they treat each other with respect and kindness. He's a bit like me though, not into material possessions and said it actually gives him more pleasure to see her spend their money than him, because he needs very little. Couldn't be a more opposite scenario.

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Original poster
AngryMo · 02/02/2016 16:38

Grumpy, that's a very comforting thought Smile

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tribpot · 02/02/2016 17:35

I'd be opening a bottle of his expensive wine tonight to celebrate the start of your journey to freedom.

Thattimeofyearagain · 02/02/2016 19:13

Just read your previous thread Mo, stay strong Flowers

JonesTheSteam · 02/02/2016 19:17

Another one here who had read both your threads today, Mo.

Your husband is awful and you sound so lovely, and stronger and stronger with each post.

Wishing you all the best and lots of (his expensive) Wine

DollyTwat · 02/02/2016 19:27

I'm cheering you on Mo
you need to be in control of your life - he's just keeping you above water rather than making sure his family are provided for.

mix56 · 02/02/2016 19:46

Mind blowing....... does he even care believe that his marriage is blown ?
Doesn't sound like it.
Mo, this has all come about so fast. You are dealing with this revolution brilliantly.
Your parents have been informed ?

rumbleinthrjungle · 02/02/2016 20:17

Just read your entire previous thread and this one.... bloody hell. Thanks And bloody well done you.

And just in case it helps your revolt, try singing along with this a few times Wink

tribpot · 03/02/2016 06:54

Incidentally I think a few people upthread suggested trying to get the MIL on side. I don't think there's any point. She is so conditioned to accept her position as a servant in the family that if FIL says she is to provide childcare she will just be coerced into doing it. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I think she does sympathise, but sees this financial control as normal.

I would start telling his friends. That's the only thing he doesn't want (and the sign that on some level he knows that this behaviour is not normal). He wants them to think he is Mr Generous.

mix56 · 03/02/2016 08:01

In your position, I would feel there is no way to pull this back into shape now.
However, pointless fanning the flames, he is still the father, & Mo has to have dealings with him for a good time yet. Telling the friends may make him more reasonable, but the respect & love is gone.

PhoenixReisling · 03/02/2016 11:18

How are you today Mo?

Original poster
AngryMo · 03/02/2016 12:22

I wouldn't tell MiL for various reasons: even though she may sympathise with me, he's still her son and I won't deliberately bad mouth him to her, it's just not what I would do (even if I am just telling facts); I don't want her meddling between me and P as it just not her place to do that even if she's trying to help; even though I sympathise with her, her position in her own marriage means she is probably not the best person to tell anyway - I have to do this on my own and she will find out after what happens happens.

If I had the chance to tell some of his friends, I would but simple fact is I don't see them and it would be weird of me to contact them out of the blue. Most recent opportunity to see them on my own without P was inappropriate anyway for this kind of conversation. But I would love to have the chance to speak to one friend in particular - not because I want him to act as a go between, but to see his take on things.

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Original poster
AngryMo · 03/02/2016 12:28

Phoenix: Thank you for asking. I'm a bit numb today. His silence is deafening and I'm feeling very frustrated. He hasn't said he doesn't want to speak to me, he said he would when I have the 'courtesy' to make an appearance on Skype, but I've already told him it is not appropriate to be having conversations like that then, with the children running around (and his bloody friends in the background). This should be one on one ffs. Anything else will not be a proper conversation. So this is another reason he's not responding: I'm not following his instructions and he doesn't like it. Too bad then because I'm not playing ball.

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mix56 · 03/02/2016 12:40

No really ? you are supposed to discuss on Skype with kids/on lookers...
What an utter Pillock. well I hope he is considering where this is going very carefully, rather than just waiting to ba able get you to back under his thumb.

PhoenixReisling · 03/02/2016 12:54

I agree with you Mo, there is little point discussing this with his mother. If she had to endure this still does, then to her it's the norm and you'll simply have make do.

I'm sorry to hear that you fill numb and are devastated obviously. You will grieve for the relationship you thought you had, were going to have in the future.

However, happy to hear that you will not play ball to his pathetic demands.

What is he setting out to achieve by you both having this convo on Skype? To show off to his friends, at how well trained you are or make you feel bad in the presence of your children?

He really is demonstrating that he is in charge, that he is far more superior and that you should bow down and do exactly what he says

mix he is more than a pollock....but a fecking twunt.

yolofish · 03/02/2016 12:55

another one with no real advice here Mo having luckily never been in your situation. just wanted to say that you are AMAZING; I would, now that he has been stupid enough, to put things in writing just back off and get everything you need together and then hit him with it.

Original poster
AngryMo · 03/02/2016 13:22

Yolo that's nice of you to say but I'm really not. What I am doing though is gaining in confidence and losing the fear of finding myself on my own with mouths to feed and bills to pay. It's still scary of course because I don't have proper plans yet or a vision of how things will look in a few months' time but gaining a better understanding of my potential financial situation is what is helping because that's precisely what I haven't been in control of for such a long time. Big lesson for me. And big lesson for me to teach my children.

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