Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

Thinking about if he actually does want out, despite what I said yesterday. I don't know what is going on in his head, so just thinking about it. If he were to end it, from his point of view, it would be potentially more costly to him as he'd be under more pressure to ensure we were taken care of than if I end it.
What a hideous thought, but it's a possibility.

Hi Mo. I haven't read all your thread but we could honestly be married to the same man, so many of the things your DH has said are exactly the sort of thing mine has said.

Anyway i am a bit further along than you and have started a divorce with no co operation from him (he doesn't want to use solicitors as it's too expensive, go figure!!).

I totally get you wanting to exhaust every avenue so "you know!!' that you tried but with hindsight I just wasted my time.

they bring no joy to your life and are miserable!!! they are miserable and they make you miserable!!! no way to lead your life really.

Donners, good for you, I am glad you have seen the light and are freeing yourself, from as you say, misery. That's exactly what it boils down to. Even if I earned the same money as him and could do what I liked, I still wouldn't want to share my life with a selfish arse like him. It's so NOT about money.

So Mo, why are you looking at trying every last avenue ?

If you won the lottery tomorrow. you'd leave in a heartbeat

What I mean is, that it's the lack of funds that is your obstacle for leaving,

I think mo is just trying to get him to admit certain things (to help her case) and to try and explain why he insists on things the way they are.

Even if he sudden had a wallet transplant its lack of care or value or support that would still be missing. She's just trying get her head around all the whys she certainly not giving it a last go.

at wallet transplant, akire, I'm imagining AngryMo 's wallet, magically swapped with her DH's, so he has only 89p (or equivalent in the currency of the country he's working in) to buy himself an evening meal! His face would be

AngryMoFo what if he buys a Porsche Cayman with his stash - it's a 2 seater?

Ok ok I'll admit it: I fantasise about him having a sudden bolt of lightning realisation, jumping on the next available flight, coming home and grovelling with tears in his eyes that he's been an utter bastard and he will do whatever I want from now on, and that nothing means as much to him as me and the children and he's desperately sorry for all the pain and hurt he's caused me.

Like I said, total fantasy.

Anyway I've already fantasised about my next man and what he'll be like. Not exactly priority or appropriate now but I can't help it. He will be a hippy who lives on a barge and rejects materialism and consumerism and carves wooden flutes for a living or something. The kind of person P despises. The extreme opposite of him.

And Cheapskatemum...don't talk to me about THE car. It repulses me!

OP you sound very similar to me, except I married the fuckwit and am now in middle of divorcing. I had to delete my thread and namechange as I think he was reading my posts.
anyhow, he is so like your DH. Money is ALL that matters to him. I can associate with you about CM payments. When I told my DH how much I had calculated his payments should be he literally went white as a sheet. Does not want to part with a penny, even for his own DCs.
As I have been advised "hold your nerve".

Also angrymo I have now read a lot about narcissists since separating and couldn't believe what I was reading - it was 100% my X.

Could yours be?

Once you realise this (if he is) you will see that they will never see your point of view and it will always be about them so you are fighting a losing battle trying to make them see sense.

It makes me sick how my x treats my children - no care for them at all.

Financially we went from being pretty well off with a pampered lifestyle really (won't go into it) to now having nothing! I am living with 2 kids in a 2 bed flat and have no money. I wouldn't have left him if I imagined how bad he would be and how we would end up for now. BUT the reality of it is that it is all fine - I am actually quite happy and relaxed (apart from when he messages me etc) and the children are really happY!!!

I would not have believed that.

I know people probably feel sorry for me and my children and think OMG thank god that isn't me etc

Honestly I know it feels impossible but you do feel better once it;s done.

Good on you, Donners. Really pleased to hear the children are happy, and you too.

It's a bit like pulling off a sticking plaster (has someone already made that analogy?). Fast or slow, it's better when it's done. I bet you'll find, Mo, that you've forgotten a lot about normality and that you suddenly feel like you can breathe - like you're at the top of a mountain and the air is fresh and clear and clean.

I can completely relate to the top of the mountain feeling Jux, not just that the air is better, but also being able to look backwards with perspective, and being able to see so much further ahead

I haven't read up on narcissism but it has been mentioned to me a few hundred times so maybe. There's no question that he puts himself and his needs and wants first. I've sacrificed (willingly) a lot for my children and my family and I ask myself what exactly has he sacrificed? Zip. Blood is starting to boil again just thinking about it...

Donners your situation sounds tough. But just to hear you say things like you feel more relaxed and the kids are happy...that is what it's all about, that's the goal here, not to live with someone with misplaced priorities making you miserable all the time. I hate what money does to some people, I really do.

Honestly mo, I do think my X will never have what I have! He has full control of the money and because he has hardly given any to us he has accrued ALOT since July when we left.

BUT he doesn't have the children, I do!! so I don't care I wouldn't swap.

In my Xs case he has a crap family and no real friends (no long term ones because people don't like free loaders and idiots who don't look after their family) so his only mates will be people who don't really know him and believe his lies? Where is the point in that.

We have so much more than they do because our lives are rich with great relationships something I don't think they are capable of?

Have loads of money but so what? and do what with it?

Is your partner working away permanently? I will try and read some of your original post today (will probably wonder if I wrote it in my sleep sounds such a similar situation from what I have read :0))

How has he managed to hold on to so much money and give you so little?

Exactly...what is the point in having money if you can't share it? In his mind he thinks he is being generous already because he pays the mortgage and bills. He's made a few gestures, I won't deny it, but the whole spirit of generosity is missing. Put others first, worry about yourself last as long as you have what you need. It is instinctive to put your kids' needs first but not for him and as you and others have said, it seems to be a waste of time trying to figure out why.

Here is a quiz I used a while ago when I was trying to work out if DH was being a twat or actually had issues (he was being a twat and it has passed). It will at least give you some specific things to think about.

I think you're doing brilliantly.

Bloody hell 86% narcissist and I answered conservatively on some of them.
But some of the questions are infuriatingly accurate: uses weaknesses/admissions against me, yes; takes pleasure in pointing out others' faults, yes; expects favours but doesn't return them, hell yes; always boasting; engages in reckless activities yes; has to be centre of attention; arrogant, superior, distorts facts.
Terrifyingly true, all of it. I knew all this I suppose but I didn't do anything about it. Why why why???

Because for a long time his good points balanced that shit out.

Now the scales have tipped.

This isn't your fault.

Because it becomes your normal Mo, you get used to it.
After 15 years it is life.
How are you today? Up and down?
I guess the only way now really is to ask him outright if he wants to remain with you and the children - the scariest question of all. He is not responding to hints, questions, your unhappiness so where do you go from here but that direct question?

grumpy is right, it has become your norm.

As soon as you see the CAB and have all the info you need, then ask that question.....just make sure that you try to prepare yourself before because it will be hard.

scoring a 86% as being narcisstic doesn't come as a surprise

It will be terribly hard as Phoenix said, the moment your life can change forever, horrid thought, but I am certain it can only change for the better.
People do change, it is to be hoped that within a good relationship both partners can grow together, it is not always possible and it is better people go their separate ways.
We often hear of people who come into money and change almost overnight, my friend married a rich man, suddenly she was a different person, it wasn't the designer handbags and big house, she became (she thought) superior to everyone, when only a few months before we had been swapping bargaining tips. I suspect he has become superior as his career has progressed and it would take a disaster for him to become more humble and generous of spirit.

Grumpy, I just want to reach that point, once I have a clearer idea of how things are going to be and tell him. I'm not going to ask him if that's what he wants. I will speak to him on the phone, no emails, and will probably say since he is incapable of seeing my side of things and does not respect my point of view, we have no choice but to split.

I'll have had the house valued, will tell him we can sell or if I can find a way to buy him out will offer that, will tell him we will have to come to an agreement about child maintenance without involving the CSA and tell him the minimum amount per week (which WILL make him choke) and leave it with him. That'll be one hell of a conversation won't it.

For anyone who's been there, you have been so so brave and I hope I can reach that point and hold my nerve.

You only get one crack at this life Mo, it could be a good and happy one.

you will hold your nerve mo, I have never heard anyone so bloody sorted as you! I am sure you dont feel sorted, but you are, you really are, and you and the kids will be so much happier without this dictatorial shit in your lives on a day to day basis.