Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

Oh I forgot, Kitty, I would be wary at saying anything about this not being his home any more, because it is half his and I can't claim that - even if we all know there is a big distinction between house and home. He wouldn't take it that way and it would just antagonise him any more. However your advice to remain clinical, business like detached is good, thank you.

Sorry Mo, I didnt mean to alarm you but it just worried me.

*I am not that person any more
and
*business-like and detached

No thanks Bogey, I appreciate you picking up on it and mentioning it because you just never know what the hell is going on in his head. Better to think about the possibility than not.

For both child tax credits and child maintenance you phone up and the take information over the phone etc.

Tax credits you need to be resolute that you are no longer in a relationship and you do not do any washing/ironing/cooking/shopping etc. for him even if he lives in the same household as you.

When is he supposed to be returning to the UK permanently?

Once he gets it through his thick skull that it is over is he likely to come back here to live or try and extend his stay out there?

Thanks Random. At least the first two are straight forward.

Not sure when due back permanently. Things are supposed to be lining up for his permanent return in UK equivalent of same job, some time in the summer. But you never know...he may start thinking about staying out for longer if he can after he realises what he's done (ok I know he will never actually acknowledge fault but I like to say it still).

Would that affect child maintenance if he was to take a permanent job abroad?

Sorry if that's a stupid question, just thinking he might be able to dodge paying CM if he's not in the country?

Is he currently employed by a UK firm and likely to remain so?

If he buggers off and has a foreign employer and you can't claim via the CMS I do worry for you financially

Yes it might. Solicitor I saw mentioned it. But it could be very costly to him if he doesn't return to job here (relocation costs penalty if he quits before a certain time).

Did someone mention they knew what the costs to force the sale of a house are, and that it is a fixed sum or something?

Good luck with ringing up Mo be prepared to be on hold for awhile! Don't forget to put in a claim for income support too as well as tax credits and child benefit.

You can print this income support form and post it off if you want to as well.
www.gov.uk/government/publications/income-support-claim-form

I drafted a reply. But I don't think I'm ready to send it. Also I can see he's online and it's making me nervous. I don't want any reply that is going to result in yet another crap night's sleep.

Your reply should point out that while you both agre d that you would move back home with the children and remain at home until your youngest starts school, he has made it crystal clear that he does not view you as a partner or an equal in the relationship. I would point out that transferring the bare minimum and keeping control by way of the prepaid supermarket card has opened your eyes to exactly how he views you and your contribution to the family and how little he trusts you. If he mentions your previous overdraft I would point out that you only had on overdraft as you were bearing a much greater portion of the family expenses than he was and that your 'overdraft' was spent on th children etc.

Lots of pointing out but that's what he needsM

Mo sent you a pm

Apologies Mix - but I also know that sometimes, if one thinks about saying these things, in the wrong circumstances and in the heat of the moment, they can slip out, thus revealing one's hand...

Have you enquired re possible payment to solicitor being made eventually from the settlement? I did this, but sol knew I would have money, just not what amount.

last sentence was for Mo*

Just take your time re replying and you will find the right words when you're ready. Less is more. Thinking of you and sending calm vibes. You will weather this storm.

I agree with kitty use very few words and don't send a response straight away.

When he does visit, you need to be out as much as you can and have as many visitors to pop over.

Whilst I think you should spell it out in plain language to him that you are no longer a family, and due to his behaviour in keeping you in poverty, him ignoring you and your DC to have his single life for months, that you will not be sharing a bed with him, you will not be 'looking' after him or his guest's whist he is home. You will not be buying (not that you can afford too anyway) food or preparing food for his guests.

I do think you need to prepare yourself over the next few weeks (and your children) that although he coming back on holiday to visit you are not a family and he is coming to see them not you.

He's counting on the fact he has ask people to visit you will be embarrassed and will comply to his demands of you all being a happy family. You need to stay strong and be apologetic to his guests about them visiting at this time with you all going this difficult time.

There are guests coming?

Sent another message to reiterate that this is not a joke or a threat, but real and that if he won't stay somewhere else, the guest room is available. I can't force him out of his own house and even though I've said I only suggested it as it's not fair on the children to be exposed to all this and we need to shelter them from it as much as possible. He won't give a damn about that though as he doesn't really give a damn about them so don't expect him to put them first now either.

Claims calls done, but it will take weeks to kick in. Anyway, it's under way. I'm worried now he'll stop the money next week.

I'm going to give WA a call now.

I am documenting every second here....but it helps to read it back.
This is real and happening and I'm not scared. I'm doing it, the ball is rolling and is not going to stop until I'm out of here and living on my own with my children and he is out of my life for good. It feels good to know my journey is well and truly under way. I have enough friends and family and OL support to see me through this. THANK YOU ALL

Oh...and I don't have any guests!

Just catching up over here.

I know it pales into insignificance against the him coming "home", but his language about how you were cold and emotionally unavailable. Well, that's classic cheaters script, innit.

Obviously doesn't make a blind bit of difference re legalities, esp since you're not married, but could be leverage, or at very least a chink in the perfect image he's been trying to transmit. Worth probing a bit.

KOKO.

, well done. Be cold and calm and clinical on the surface, assertive and to the point. Say no more than you have to.

It will be very hard for CMS to get money out of him if abroad, it's not easy in this country.

Well done.

KOKO

If he doesn't send you any money I suggest your first port of call is that you go to MIL so she is faced with the fact that he'd let his DC go without food whilst he is out there living it up.

Meanwhile find out where your nearest food bank is and how you would get a referral etc.

The cogs are whirring in his head. At least he's thinking about it. Just sent me four short messages, one after the other. But no signs of actually understanding WHY I'm doing this.
I'm not responding.