Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

He just want to tell someone, discuss it with a friend. I wonder what he's thinking, what he's telling his friends. The twisted, distorted tale he's feeding them.
Anyhow. I called the local women's refuge this morning to make sure I have my back up in place in case I need to flee. She said there aren't always places available right away so I will ask my friends tonight if they can be on standby just in case things do flare up while he's here.
No problem fitting a lock on the bedroom door, or any room where I can have to myself to feel safe.
I'm packing an emergency case. If I feel threatened or unsafe I can call the police. I hope I don't have to do any of those things but feel so much better being prepared.

*he must
GRRR

I will have to tell my kids soon. What can I tell them to reassure them apart from the fact I love them and will always be with them? My eldest is old enough for this to be a big shock to him, my middle one is still young but very perceptive and very sensitive and my youngest is far too young to know what's going on.

Don't worry too much about the DC, you haven't been living as a family unit for quite some time so nothing is actually going to change for them. If Daddy moves back they'll see more of him which is a bonus on what little they get from him now!

You are doing briliantly. Really fantastic. You could tell them that Dad won't be able to carry on living with you and the DCs when he visits in the future. I would say not to rush into it but then it's quite likely he will explode things and involve them. KOKO

Mo if you get the lock fitted now then the dc won't see it as something unusual. You can move his stuff into the spare room gradually too. They are used to him not being around much so it's not going to be a huge shock for them

He's 'not sure what I'm doing and why I'm doing it' apparently. So he says. Tough one that.

Well of course he doesn't, why on earth would you be unhappy about being treated as a slave whilst he lives it up and saves for a £70k car... after all you are a mere woman and your role is to facilitate him having everything he wants in life as and when it suits him.

Well done Mo love fact you have basis covered and with packing a case and sorting places to go. All helps to feel you are in control and you have options. Can you leave case in your car so you can just grab the kids and go?

I'm sure telling the kids is going to be the hardest thing yet. Can you ask them how they feel about living with just you and them and dad is going to be working away and living elsewhere? Lots parents find they aren't best friends any more and need to live apart but that you still both their parents and love them. I know you said kids noticed how you are happier without him should all help. Least they are on holiday so gives them space to get heads around before go back to school. Thoug hopefully because he's been away long time it's less of a daily shock and change. I would tell them before he comes then he can't say no I'm staying or we are going to try or whatever.

Is it possible for a friend to take the kids out for few hours when he's due back so can least have a conversation without them. Then they don't get dragged into it.

And he's changing his story about what 'our plans' were for this year and me not following them through. I don't ever remembering agreeing to come back to the UK alone with the kids and start working in my local restaurant part time.
Also, he says there is no tension on his side at all (when I said it's not fair for the kids to be around us with all this tension between us). So he's not affected by the news I'm leaving him then? That hasn't caused him any stress or tension at all? Five minutes ago in his email he was stressed and tearful because he missed us so much.
What utter bollocks, every word he says.

Yes good idea Akire, he's due back on a weekend morning so kids at home. I can definitely see if I can find someone to look after them for a while. And then offload when I go back to get them after our discussion!

Mo, you sound really on top of it.......amazing just AMAZING !
the only thought I had, was if you tell kids that "Daddy isn't going to live with us anymore", is that he may come back & say the opposite... You are going to have to tell him that you have told them.
This will be the first time he actually gets the cold shower of reality.
Well done for emergency suitcase, (for all 4) plus all the birth certs if they haven't already been put in safe house....)

Also you need to keep your parents up to date.

I'll just say this again - he will NEVER understand or admit that you have a valid reason to leave, never.
You can tell him over and over why you're leaving in as many different ways you can think of and he WILL NEVER "UNDERSTAND".
He will always move the goalposts, change history and gaslight you as he can never be in the wrong.
The reason I'm shouting this is to help you to try and disengage from all the mind warping shit he's going to throw at you now.
You've told him why, he knows why but he will NEVER ADMIT IT.
KOKO.

The awful thing is, even if we end up in a refuge, he STILL won't take it seriously. He will still think it's just me being ridiculous and inventing all of this because he's done nothing wrong. He always has a flippant, blameless smirk on his face which he uses to make me feel like I'm a hysterical crazy woman.

X post with you, Cantthink.

He is going to string this one out isn't he. .

Are you able to say when he is next back?

Life is a breeze for him though isn't it?
He can shop where he likes, go for a few days holiday, have meals out, no childcare issues, just himself to worry about.

He just sees this a silliness on your part, you just need to be told it's all fiiine, and it will be

He has no idea what it's like to be you in this relationship does he?

When we got together, we actually had a long distance relationship for quite a while. But the anticipation of seeing each other after a few weeks apart was incredible and the short spells we had together were amazing. I can't believe we're at a point now where just the thought of him coming back after so long apart is making me so anxious and sick. How things can change.

You don't want to get into arguing each point with him though, the fact it's over for you is actually enough

So what can I do, keep saying I'm not discussing it? Keep walking away? What can I do? How can I avoid him talking at me if we are in the same house?

New thread here

Well, he knows everything already, so you only have to say something like "You know my position and my reasons. No further discussion is required." If you practise saying it to yourself a lot before he arrives, then you'll find it easier to say out loud. Take some breaths, in through your nose to a count of 3 and out through your mouth to a count of 5, while he rants a bit, then say your sentence and take some more deep breaths. Start practising the breathing now, and the sentence. The breaths slow down panic, and allow your brain to kick in again, so you can control your response to the situation.