Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

oh yes you are! you have grasped the situation and are setting out to change it for the benefit of you and the children. don't do yourself down, be proud of yourself x

Thank you

Gaining confidence is the hardest battle- don't under estimate what you are doing!

He must really believe that you are so under the thumb you dare not mention anything on Skype. If he even had an inkling he wouldn't trust you on screen in front of his friend. Which all things considered isn't a bad thing , because he had no idea of the new Mo that's growing at home!

This is one AngryMoFo...

@ angrymofo

New name perhaps

You are doing great!

Another reading cheering you on from the sidelines and pleased to hear that your confidence is growing.

Once you have your ducks in a row, I'd be inclined to let your next communication come in writing from your SHL. Just as a 'courtesy', you understand. Pah.

Oh Mo . I read your previous thread with horror as unfortunately I found myself in a similar situation with my ex almost 20 years ago.

He is so utterly transparent. He wants out, but hasn't got the guts to do this in a civilized fashion and wants you to be the Bad Guy breaking up the family. He waits until he's out of the country for 6 months and places you in a completely untenable position which forces you to end the relationship.

Thank heavens for his email trail and the new legislation making financial abuse an offence. I sincerely hope you find the sharkiest toothiest SHL.

Lapsed...sorry you went through something similar. But no, I don't think your assessment of the situation is true. If a woman left the family home with three small children to go and live in rented accommodation and financial insecurity, I don't think at all that it would make her the bad guy, it would show that something was desperately wrong in the relationship for that to happen and all eyes would turn to him.

Also, he is showing absolutely zero signs of wanting to get out. He could do that by simply trying to prolong his spell abroad (and would probably be quite easy to do). We have also recently made some expensive renovations to our house (I've not always agreed) but they were definitely things he has been passionate about doing and ensuring they were done. He also talks about future plans with friends/relatives e.g. Next year let's do this/let's go there etc.
Not the actions of a man who wants out.

While I'm just left figuring out what the hell is going on!

what the hell is going on!

What's going on is nothing keep re complicated than the fact that he does see if treat you as an equal and the marriage suits him as it is which is why he doesn't want out.

If you insisted on a marriage like me mine where you are an equal and all disposable incomes me is equally divided would he still want you then?

What is going on is - he is using you as cheap childcare, managing to spend v. little on family-related outgoings, putting lots of money into his own personal pension. Then when the children are grown he can cut you loose, knowing that he can then avoid paying you anything for the children. And he still will have that nice pension pot - and you won't be entitled to a penny of it. It's a win win for him.

I wouldn't dismiss Lapsed's suggestion outright. Given his obsession with putting a good face on to the world it would certainly be consistent with that to be trying to force you into ending the marriage so he can say it wasn't his fault (and btw he may well assume he will be keeping 'his' house because he pays for it, so I don't think investment in the property is a particularly strong indicator). His extreme caginess about finances may also be because there is evidence of another woman in them.

However, given his family history and the fact that he believes he has successfully transformed you from wife to servant, there's no real reason why he should want you out. Provided you start pulling your weight again financially, of course - the tune may change if you can't make that grand-a-month subscription fee to the marriage that he is now mandating.

What the hell is going on is

Is that in his mind, he is in charge, he is the powerful one and only he can make decisions. What is his is his, hence why he gives you measly sums of money, whilst at the same time he plans trips, wants to buy a sports car and plans renovations to the family home.

This is all about control and slowly chipping away at your self esteem and confidence. Where like his mother you would agree that his way is the right way. He doesn't see that what you do has any merit (probably why he wants you to be earning at least £1000 by September) and his children are commodities.

He is so deluded, that he has no idea that what he is doing is wrong. Like PP have said, he will get quite a shock when he realises that he has been financially abusive and could will have future consequences to him (and not just financial).

I don't think it's anything as malicious or with such a long term goal as that. I think it's simply that he is selfish and immature. And that is made worse by the example his parents set to him of what a marriage and family looks like.

But if he thinks I am going to take it, he's bloody wrong because I'm not his mum.

I'm feeling fearless tonight btw and sent him a kick ass email in response to his eventual reply to my email a few hours ago. He replied re finances and figures in a very convoluted and waffly way, worded deliberately to confuse me but I sat down with all my paperwork, a calculator, online tax calculators etc. and worked it all out - and guess what, Mr Accurate carelessly left out a few grand! Funny that. So I've let him know.

I'm proud of my reply. He may try to deconstruct it and throw in some bollocks I can't verify but point is I am not stupid and he can't bullshit me any more.

Unfortunately Mo is not married to him - so no divorce settlement.

Galvanised has the situation to a tee I feel.

Go angry mofo

Of course you are not stupid and of course he sends you waffly responses about finances.....cause he don't want you to know ANYTHING.

He is selfish, immature but is also thoughtless, mean, stingy and has an over inflated ego!

If a woman left the family home with three small children to go and live in rented accommodation and financial insecurity, I don't think at all that it would make her the bad guy, it would show that something was desperately wrong in the relationship for that to happen and all eyes would turn to him

Sadly, this is not always true, it depends on the weight of your SHL, & the dinosaur male judge. It is still an "old boys" system. Justice is only on the TV

Unfortunately Mo is not married to him - so no divorce settlement.

I had forgotten that, so he is investing in a property that he owns a share of, along with Mo. Who has no possibility of buying him out.

Well done for being fearless-you will confuse him with your "sudden" ability to work out figures!

Let's see what his excuse is for forgetting thousands.

You girl

Yeah he wants you to behave like his Mum did but he chose someone who is fundamentally different. Someone who has had independence, who is capable and education and someone who believes they deserve to be treated equally.

Akire, it's going to annoy him so much that I've worked out his salary to the exact penny and the tax he pays. It's a bit puerile of me to be sniggering at the thought of him fuming but I can't help it.

Great work Mo!
I love the sound of your kick ass email and solid calculator work

Was his original reply on his lower income to explain/justify why you need so little?

Be interesting to know exactly where all the extra money is going and for what purpose it's justified

Just found your new thread Mo! Great to see you so much stronger (even if it peaks and troughs, you're still doing amazingly well).

I am yet again completely gobsmacked at his responses.

Out of interest, have you or he ever discussed marriage? Is there a reason you never got married? I'm just wondering if it was a conscious decision by him to make sure he can keep as much of 'his' money as his.

I've worked out his salary to the exact penny and the tax he pays

Oooh, I just luffs ya, mo!

He must be bricking it, knowing that you know (moreover, that you've had a good reason to find out...). CMS are going to have a field day with this.

Mention of his tax reminds me: did you get the tax credits moved to your account?