Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

Not good at the word 'no', is he?

It's going to take a while of reiterating, we are no longer a couple, we are no longer a family, we will no longer be sharing a bed, and just ignoring the attempts to draw you into reasons, excuses, why you should feel sorry for him, why you should be grateful.... just don't engage with it. They're not relevant conversations. He's trying to get you talking about it because that suggests it is still negotiable. But you're no longer interested at all in the whys and wherefores, they're not relevant (from what I understand of your posts?) Whatever he says, whatever he offers at this point doesn't matter. You're still done with the marriage.

So the only thing to sort out is the practicalities.

Well, him turning it on you is inevitable. Him asserting his power is inevitable as well. This is why you know low contact is the best way for you to stay focused on the outcome you want. Trying to get him to accept that you're right and he's wrong is completely futile.

He can't make you sleep in the same bed as him, although keeping him out of the house entirely may be difficult, you need to take legal advice on that given arguably you have been separated since you returned from overseas - the previous email suggests he doesn't see the house as his home.

He can't make you 'be a family' whilst he's there, although you may need to be prepared to play hard ball - you move out for the duration whilst he stays with the kids (very unlikely to accept that), you and the kids go to your parents for the duration and you arrange contact visits for him with the kids.

You need to use this time whilst he's absent to get your defences ready. Yes he will continue to bully you, use his economic power over you and his ability to manipulate to his own best advantage. He has no interest in what is best for you or the children.

Well from how you've Described him I'd say it's an entirely characteristic response.

You are his employee and he has not terminated your contract therefore your duties remain as is. All this talk you're doing is nonsense. He's going to come back and that'll be the end of all this foolishness.

This is why I was very pro you moving out prior to his return if possible. Living with him would be at best intolerable, and at worst it would be dangerous as you may well end up giving in for a quiet life. Particularly if you reason with yourself that his presence will only be temporary. So things could slip worryingly back into the status quo through his refusal to change a single facet of life, and then he'll return abroad and you'll find you haven't managed to "get away" after all.

So is there any way you can rent elsewhere before he's back? I fear it may be the only way to be truly free.

Oh no hugs and large glasses of wine! So he's already starting to say it's all your fault. He felt froze out at Christmas but failed to mention- and this is why things are bad now. You family destroy you!!!!!

I would be very stressed about him just coming back and not respecting your need for space and thinks it's ok to get in your bed again. So it's up to you if you want to move in the spare room??

Not a polite way to ask this but can you trust him not to demand sex? Or would he just enjoy making you feel uncomfortable that way by being in the main bedroom. So it's up to you to move to spare room? I would be tempted to put a lock on the bedroom door and move all his stuff out. But can see sense in you just moving into spare room to keep the peace. Not that you should have to but until the house is sold you are both going to have spend some time under the same roof. It's just about survival.

Or just move out for a few days so you see the kids and talk but you don't stay there. Is he back just for a few weeks? Or is this end of job placement? How much of a window have you got to do things?

Be a family?????? This guy's hilarious!

So, you sleep in the spare room (I know, you shouldn't have to!!!!) and refuse to do anything that allows him to think he has resumed his place in the family home. If he plans a day out - you don't go, he takes the kids alone. Do NOT allow him to guilt-trip you into accompanying him, on the grounds of "it's what the children want." They'll get over it; they're going to have to, sooner or later, realise that you've split up. Playing 'Happy Families' now isn't going to change that.

How about responding, "You seem to be misunderstanding me. As far as I am concerned, we are over, and your attempts to steamroller me into resuming "family life" with you are not going to work. I strongly suggest you to stay elsewhere when you visit, (careful choice of that word), as I'm sure you would agree that the children should not witness the inevitable consequences of the alternative."

But I'm sure others will have better responses.

'We are not a family. You have a completely independent life as a single person and our relationship is over. There can be no discussion about that. This is not your home and you should make arrangements to stay elsewhere until we can sort our legal and financial ties. This will cause the least confusion and distress to the children'. How would that work for you Mo?

Or you could just go with 'don't pull that shit with me you fucking ridiculous prick'. There is no urgency to reply. He will keep trying to panic you. You know this

Love that second one, kitty!

It will be intolerable if he stays in the house, as he will up the anti and try to bully you into submission. How is him staying at the house going to make a happy family environment....he is such a twunt and no consideration of his actions to your beautiful babies.

A few ideas

1. Call WA and see what they advise. Tell them what he has said about the fact that he intends to share your bed and he has said you will be a family, even though you have told him its over

1. Stay elsewhere during his stay and facilitate contact with the children. Don't tell him before he gets there....leave it as a surprise.

1. If you decide to stay put. Move his stuff into the spare room and put a lock on your bedroom door. I would also see if a friend/relative can stay with you during the week he is back (sharing a room with you maybe?). I wouldn't cook, clean etc for him and leave the house during the day and possibly stay overnight on occasion. (This in my opinion would be the most difficult to do).

1. Change the locks? (I know he will need keys but it could bide you sometime).

You win kitty!

As I predicted, he tried to manipulate the children to get to you.

As he's planning a short visit, it's apt that he'd be staying in the guest bedroom.

Don't rush to reply to him, there's no need. Can you put a lock on your bedroom door, set up the spare room making it his, and keep your room locked? Or take the spare room for yourself.

See your solicitor asap - payment can be made later, sometimes the EA ex has to pay both solicitors out of their share - and get some sort of order which can be served as he gets off the plane, before he even gets out of the airport, keeping him out of the house. That may not be an option, but it's worth finding out. It would be so much better if he just went and stayed with his parents and started whatever contact regime straight away.

remark re estate agent was in jest !!!
reply to P. "the fantasy of you returning to my bedroom on your visit is ludicrous. There will be no sham of happy families as we are not",

Kitty's second option is the best I think. Don't start engaging with his "poor me" shit. If you do, that means you are in a negotiation over whether you are allowed to end it or not. Don't even go there.

How exactly can he make you be a family when he is here? OK you can't stop him arriving and coming into the house he jointly owns. Unless you put a lock on the bedroom door he can just climb into the bed. But "be a family", how?

A lock on the bedroom you choose seems to be the best option Mo if you can't get him to stay somewhere else

If he's going back to work abroad then you don't want a situation whereby every time he comes home he stays with you

I fear you may have to force a sale of the house you're in, if he won't entertain the idea of splitting up.

My fear is that if you leave the property he may lock you out or say you have abandoned the home/dc or whatever.

I would put a proper lock on your bedroom door and move his stuff into the spare room now.

I wouldn't bother engage in any discussion with him regarding any of it. He may take you silence as giving in who knows.

Def. get advice from womans aid and then solicitor regarding having a lock on the bedroom door.

I would start gathering estate agent valuations and find out how you go about forcing the sale of the home and how much of that legal leg work you could do yourself.

Hugs

How about
Hahaha

Still reading your thread and willing you on, free Mo

In addition to getting a lock for your door, I'd also get a door wedge and jam the door closed from your side. All the very, very best.

Whatever he says or does Mo, he cannot make you stay with him. Important to keep in the forefront of your mind that the goal here is to rid yourself of him. So good to hear how much more relaxed you are with your DCs. That is your future.

Mo I've been lurking and decloaked to say that if needs be you should move into the spare room when he's due back and put a good, solid lock on the door.

This guy is an asshat of epic proportions.

OK, so I am prepared to be bollocked for over reacting but him saying that he fully intends to share your bed has chilled me.

This is not a man who will take "No" for an answer. Please seek legal advice ASAP to see if you can keep him out and log your concerns. And keep your phone on you at all times.

If you plane to go to the spare room then please do fit a lock. Controlling men are at their most dangerous when they realise that the control is slipping away.

sorry for typos

Mo doesn't have the money for a SHL

I know, but I was thinking more about getting advice and lodging papers herself than relying on a SHL.

Its just really worried me, what he said about not even moving out of their bed, as if her opinion on that counts for nothing and if thats the case when would he take no for an answer regarding other things?

My head is about to explode, I can't take in everything right now, just thinking about all the stuff I have to do and get ready before he darkens my door again.

Just a Q re benefits please, what is the best way to make a claim? Online, phone, do I need to fill in physical forms, can I do or right away, does it take long? Sorry, I've never done it before. I need to get this under way tomorrow.

I managed in the end to find a second free half hour with a different solicitor later in the week so I can ask about forcing the sale etc then.

I've not replied yet but I think a simple reinforcing that we are no longer a family together without biting back at how I've apparently hurt him, sob sob.

It is a creepy thing to say you're right and he's never ever forced me to do anything that way before, but although it is a bit of an alarming thing to say, I don't think it means he's going to force me to sleep with him, I just think he's still living in a fantasy world where his submissive partner is still submissive. But I am it that person any more and it will take some getting used to.