Financial control - Part 2

[AngryMo]

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

I have to say Id be asking if he's started sorting somewhere to stay when he comes back. I'd be taking away that sense of entitlement to a happy little family when he's been such a cunt to you

I agree with dolly....why should he get to stay with you? I understand it's his house too, but considering he lives abroad and you've told him it's over, then he can fecking well stay with his parents!

It won't stop him seeing the children, it will show him actually how serious you are.

Please don't put too much faith in his mum being on your side. Don't rely on that Mo.

Not trying to be negative, just don't want you to get attached to the idea that she's in your corner. Blood's thicker than water, and she's lived this life so probably believes that at the end of the day you should put up with it too.

If she turns out to be on your side, great! But just remember she will have her own agenda.

I have don't count on any of his family being behind me. I really don't.

For the best. Expect nothing. When you turn down the extra 20 quid a week (or whatever pathetic offer he comes up with) they will be shocked and are unlikely to acknowledge any abuse. Any support they might offer would be a bonus.

Well that was awkward. Rearranged the skype for the kids and they've just finished. However suddenly this time he was absolutely desperate to talk to me, telling DS to go and get me and he kept on a few times. It didn't sound like it was ever going to end so I walked into the room, told the kids to say goodbye and closed the call.
A few seconds later I get hey I thought you wanted to communicate more, I just wanted to ask if you want to have a think about where you'd like to go for a couple of days while I'm over - he mentioned this in his long reply. What part of I'm leaving you doesn't he get? Go away with him? What for? I can't even share breathing space with him let alone two whole days on our own.
And does he really think we can have a 'chat' surrounded by the children?

"I do not wish to spend time alone with you while you are here, it would not be appropriate in light of our separation"

"No, I don't wish to communicate more. And I absolutely do not want to go away with you for a couple of days; in fact, I think it's a good idea if you make arrangements to stay elsewhere whilst you're here. I will of course make sure that the children are available, as I'm sure they'd like to see you again."

And wtf is with "while I'm over?" Shouldn't he mean, "while I'm home? What a bastard.

I said we need to communicate more in order to sort out arrangements and regarding the children - not for us to have a friendly chit chat. And certainly to to arrange a weekend break for us.

Ah so now he's going to accuse you of not being willing to try and make the relationship work - you should want to go away for a few days together so you can iron out your differences and then everything can get back to normal.

Notice how even when he's trying it involves minimal effort for him - you have to think about where you want to go, he doesn't come up with any suggestions. Just an instruction for you.

Tempting to reply suggesting he takes the kids away for a couple of days to give you a break and for him to spend some quality time with them. Or "there won't be a trip away - that's not what I want".

clam makes a good point "While I'm over" sounds like he is visiting, not coming home (as anyone else would say after working abroad). He certainly doesnt view your home as his home does he? Which is good of course, but very telling in terms of how he views the whole situation.

I think I would be getting valuations done on the house so they are ready for when he turns up.

So predictable. Wait for 'devasted'. It's sick.

I would be telling him this:

dear P, in light of our split i don't want to go away with you. The only communication that I want is either to discuss the children or the house

"that's not what I want" !
or "while you are taking care of the children I will be pursuing some free time".
or, "actually fortunate you mention that, as I have plans to be away, so you will need to provide X£ for this occasion.

also, the estate agent is booked on x, so you can deal with that as I will be away

God he is such a twat.

mix I cannot believe you are actually suggesting Mo should let him have anything to do with the house, its valuation and sale, at all, let alone on his own!

I repeat - my advice, based on divorcing my own twat and on other threads, is not to discuss finances of splitting with him directly at all. Proceed with the advice of a solicitor, Mo.

You could reply to him with a variant of what you told us "A weekend break for us as a couple is not appropriate. I said we need to communicate more in order to sort out arrangements regarding the children."

" "A weekend break for us as a couple is not appropriate. I said we need to communicate more in order to sort out arrangements regarding the children." is good although I would change that slightly to

"A weekend break for us is not appropriate, given that we are no longer together and are not a couple. I said we need to communicate more in order to sort out arrangements regarding the children."

You replied good mo short and to the point. Even if he was thinking let's go away with the kids you would be busy just entaining them so can't chat at all. Least at home they can go to rooms and get on with own toys.

If he meant as a couple- he's really on a different planet! He could have said I know things been rocky please book yourself a few days away I will look after the kids to give you a break and to get himself into your good books but no nothing for you in it, just to get his way.

Really magnifies the power/money he decides who gets treats, when you can get away etc. When at same time he's been quibbling over if school uniform is going for best price.

He is such a kn*b!!!!!!!

He really doesn't believe that you are telling him it is over and you are not going to change your mind!

You won't believe the reply I got, after I said sorry no, I don't want to go away with you and I'm not sure it's a good idea for you to stay here either when you're back.
He's turning it on me, saying how does he think he feels being on his own over there and basically that I should be grateful for him for organising my return (!!!). Also, I froze him out over Christmas (no idea how he worked that one out) when he was in a tough place mentally not knowing how he'd cope on his own.
So he's insisting he will come back to the house, in our bed (!!!) and to be a family while he's there.
I'm rushing this cos I have company but I wanted to share it to gather reactions to read later. He is going to keep playing the feel sorry from me card and keep on bullying me, isn't he?

He is. All the way.

Here's an idea. When he comes back, you move out and leave him to it with the kids. Don't forget to present him with the supermarket card with £23.75 left on it and tell him to remember not to go over the allowance.

Obviously just for the few days he is back, not for good!