Please help. Husband leaving after 26 years

[tartanbuggy]

I am starting a new thread with a post that I posted within another (very helpful) thread. Just looking for some hand holding please. So very sad.

This happened to me last night. Married 26 years, 3 kids (20 and 17 year old twins). DH and I had not been close or happy with each other for a long time and had grown apart, but I still didn't see it coming. He has got together with somebody at work (he is 54 and the boss), she is 28. He said that they had been attracted to each other for a long time but had not acted upon it until he realised that our marriage was dead. He wants to move out and has said I can stay in the house with the children, but he wants to change our joint account to a single account and then he will continue to pay the bills and arrange to pay an allowance to me for the kids and any necessities. This will be paid into my separate bank account. He earns a lot, I don't. I was SAHM for many years and then spend two years up and down to help my parents who lived at the other end of the country and have since died. I am working p/t time at the moment, but it is term-time only and I earn very little.

I feel like I'm in a dream. I keep "forgetting" and then remembering. I feel numb but with a weird churning sensation in my stomach. I haven't been happy in the marriage either - DH can, in my opinion, be quite difficult to live with and I gradually withdrew and stuck my head in the sand. It then all went round in circles. He said he had been unhappy for a number of years, and that if we had been happy together then the other woman "would not have existed".

The kids don't know yet. They will be told and I am absolutely dreading their reaction. I don't think I can bear it. Oldest DD is mentally very fragile and has been struggling with depression, culminating in an overdose a few weeks ago. Physically she is fine, but I am so worried about her.

I feel sick. Really, really sick and humiliated and terrified about the future and how we will manage. Please, MNers, let me know this can be got through. I am so scared.

You are doing great. I wouldn't believe a word of his lies tbh.

You're doing brilliantly :)

He'll expect you to be in bits when you speak to the children. Try to channel your inner ice queen- act neutrally and calmly towards your husband so that you can be honest and supportive for your children.

Your husband will probably get angry that the truth about his affair is coming out, and he'll expect to reduce you to jelly with his shouting and anger and threats. If you feel prepared for the fact that he is determined to make it all your fault, then you stand a better chance of staying calm.

At some point, he's likely to threaten to default on the mortgage. However, it's not in his best interests to do that because he may well want another mortgage in the future.

It might be worth going to bank to see whether there's any way that the accounts can be managed to stop either party withdrawing or transferring large amounts of money. I don't know how that would work, but I wouldn't put it past him to clean out the joint account. Can you access money aside from the joint account?

You are doing grand tartan, keep it up.

I agree that he will put his own twist on the business of telling the children, and his aim will be to make it all seem your fault.

Be ready for that by being prepared to mention the OW if he doesn't.
I'd also be inclined to mention in front of him, that he was reluctant to contribute to their university fees, and then stress strongly that you will do all in your power to help them.

I'd bet that his relationship has been going on for some time, from before he got his teeth done! There will be many more discoveries for you to face, most of them hurtful, so stay strong, and stay focused on getting the best deal for you and your children.

By doing that you give yourself the best chance of making a good life for yourself in the future.

He will not hesitate to grab all he can to build his shiney new life, notice how he is already talking about "his" money. You do need to consider how you are going to keep your household running over the next months, an informal chat at the bank might clarify things for you, but don't make hasty decisions.

One thing I would add is that you have said that he brought the money in, it's his money, and has been carrying you all. Some of that maybe his words.

Just remember that's it's joint money, it is as much yours as it is his. How much would it cost to have someone tend the house and be a nanny to the kids if you weren't there? A lot! You enabled him to become such a high earner. Without you doing your bit, he couldn't have been where he is now, certainly without shelling out some serious money.

Get what is fair. That means half the house and pension as well as other stuff. Don't let him control what he gives you. As others have said, he will quickly change his mind once he realises how much an extra share of rent etc costs.

Good luck.

You may find your children react better than you expect.

So, so unfair these utter bastards who wring the best years of their wives' lives out of them, grind them down, stomp on their self esteem, drain their earning potential, make their sex drives fizzle, and then TRADE THEM IN FOR A YOUNGER MODEL.

The fuckers. How fucking dare they.

OP, hunt out threads started by iwashappy

Your situation is very similar to hers and you sound very like her.

Glad you are taking our advice. The collective wisdom of MN is invaluable which iof you keep posting you will find will help to carry you through along with RL friends/family. Have you started to tell family yet ? I urge you to do so and be completely frank. You need all the support you can get.

Oh and he has been shagging her for months and that is what he is doing tonight. That you can be sure of

What a bastard. Weak willed, selfish, shallow git.

Fight for your money, the home, everything.
More than anything be there with your children and for them at all times, your relationships will get stronger.
Your eldest daughter needs to hear a lot from him and he needs to tell her what a weak, pathetic man he is. that none of this is her or her siblings' fault.

When the day comes that 28 year old dumps him, and he is standing on your doorstep, and he says "I think I made a mistake". You only need to say "Yes".

HeartsTrump brilliant post.
AF completely right especially the last paragraph. The only thing to do in this situation is to stand tall, be calm and dignified in all your dealing with him, ignore him when he says what you will and will not be doing as you set the agenda from here. If he can't afford to rent for himself that is not your problem. You do what suits you when it suits you now. Hear his 'white noise' and ignore, smile serenely in his company and let the solicitor handle it.
You will come out of this with dignity and poise intact. Do not keep his secret. If people ask, tell them. It is vital you remember every tiny detail as at some point he may actually realise that he is in the grip of limerance and/or the OW may bottle out realising that it's not funny any more now he is actually interested in her as a long term prospect. He may return asking for forgiveness so it's important to remember that he is treating you like a lump of bog roll stuck to his shoe and you are ten thousand miles better than that!

Start the divorce immediately, citing his adultery

You can cite his adultery but many many lawyers would advice against divorcing on grounds of adultery. He has to agree to it or you have to have actual proof such as a pregnancy. Much easier and it is advised to divorce on grounds on unreasonable behaviour.

for you.

“Do not trust him to do the right thing financially” THIS THIS THIS!

“I mentioned maybe taking advice about finance. That didn't go down well.” I'll bloody bet it didn't! That's because he's realising he can't manipulate you into taking what HE wants you to ie as little as he can get away with!

“Why, why, why is he getting so angry with me?” Repeat because he's realising he can't manipulate you!

You were absolutely not offensive or unreasonable. And yes tell the kids together, or else he'll try to blame you!

“It sounds like he has had some advice” definitely he's been planning this for a while!

“So be prepared for him to try to come back when it all falls apart.” yep! Had this when ow fell pregnant and again day before their wedding!

“He keeps stressing that nothing happened between him and OW for a long time and that they had just had a mutual attraction.” Yea right! Mine told me they only got together after a certain row we'd had which led him to stay away overnight. Months later I saw pictures of them all over each other at a work do 3 months before that!

“Try to channel your inner ice queen” great advice! Only in front of him and possibly dc, other than that cry scream shout (into a pillow?) Smash old crockery whenever you need.

Yes keep eating and drinking and sleep whenever wherever however you can.

Read this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2556187-To-ask-what-wish-you-knew-before-you-got-divorced

Positives and negatives in there.

Practically the joint account does anything apart from his wages go in there? Child benefit, tax credits?

Check up what you will be entitled to once he is gone and you are on your wage alone as I would definitely not trust him to lay any bills. Cancel/remove yourself from any services/direct debits that are for things only he wanted/will get use of. Also any debts. Are there cars? Other assets than the house? Whose name are they in? If not yours make sure you're not paying for them.

Legally the joint account should be frozen until financial agreement is reached.

Not sure what is the situation regarding children at university and maintenance but certainly he needs to pay for the twins. So cms asap as he clearly won't be reasonable.

Good luck, keep posting and getting advice on mn.

Good morning everybody and thank you for all the posts since my last post. I love how there is a mix of excellent practical advice and wonderful moral support. God, I need both in bucketloads at the moment.

I can't settle to a single thing at the moment. I sit down, then get up, then start to do something, then stop, then forget to finish it. My mind flits from serious considerations (mortgage, house, money, pensions) to trivia (worrying about all the Christmas wrapping paper I bought in the sales and will I be able to afford to buy presents and what will I do about the family place name cards that DD bought in Hobbycraft and spent ages decorating ready for 2016). I know, I know.

I spent ages driving round RL people yesterday, dropping in on them and crying and talking and desperately seeking reassurance that I'm not a horrible person and that I don't come over as DH describes me. Then I wonder if maybe DH feels the same and if I have been unreasonable to him.

Panic ye not MNetters! I'm not about to crumble. It's just in the wee small hours my mind was whirring round and round and going over and over things. I keep thinking about all our life together and the good bits and the bad bits. I've analysed where it started to go wrong, what the warning signs were, did we miss them, could I have done it differently, was I wrong or was it him and so on and so on .... Part of me wants to think that it is all down to him (the long slow demise, not the OW and leaving part), but there's always that little voice in my head saying "Ah, but ...." Basic honesty forces me to admit that I could be moody and snappy and pretty mean as well. I am reactive rather than proactive and if I felt he was being unreasonable or bombastic, I would retreat and sulk and not talk about things. I reacted to any conflict by crying, sometimes hysterical or irrational shouting back, then withdrawal and retreat. Deep down I have always known there were problems and that basically we were unsuited to each other. I chose to ignore it because it was easier than having to act on it. Then the kids came along and for the best part of 20 years all our time and energy was invested in them. Didn't make the issues go away though, just exacerbated things.

This is not trying to excuse what he has done, but my mind is constantly going over and over things and trying to be honest about my own part in the whole sorry mess. I hate him for what he's done, I hated living with the stress and being jumpy around him in case he got cross about something, I hated being in the position of trying to anticipate ahead what might set him off and then scurrying about to sort things out before they had happened. But, for some reason I'm not able to let go of things I said and did. For example, he would sometimes buy expensive presents and things and I would be dismissive of them, he would try to plan events and I wouldn't want to go, he would get enthusiastic about things and I would just sniff. Once, and this is an awful admission, we had been arguing about something. He went to bed and when I followed hours later he was asleep. I sat on the bed and vented my spleen by whispering some horrible, sweary word insults about him into the air and he heard! He said "Who are calling .....?", but then it was never mentioned again. But I have never forgotten what a horrible thing it was that I did.

I don't know why I feel compelled to say all this and to "confess". I think I'm worried about me trying to paint myself as 100% whiter than white injured party and him as 100% mean and nasty baddy when, deep down, I know that it's never as straightforward as that. Does that make sense? Is this a normal reaction or am I way off?

Anyway, enough internalising. These were the thoughts that crept up in the middle of the night when I was alone. It's easier to be rational when it's daytime and other people are around. I need to go to work soon, but I will post back later and let you all know how it's going. He's coming back this evening to talk to the kids.

Ah, just noticed a few posts came in while I was typing the novel (above). Excellent questions posed and I will read fully later.

You are all wonderful, wonderful people.

You'll go through all sorts of stuff in your head. Yes, there may well have been eggshells and even hardboiled eggs emanating from both of you. That's family life.

You are trying to be fair to him because you're hearing and feeling so much negativity about his vile behaviour, and it's a normal reflex to think 'hang on a minute, that's my old man you're talking about'. But it isn't , not any more. He isn't your friend. I'm sorry.

OP, has someone said to you that there are two sides to everything and that the truth is somewhere between them? IME people are inclined to say that when they don't want to get involved. Anyone who wants to give you support over your separation will be in your corner from the outset.

You now have a fight on your hands and you need to stay objective if you can, especially when you have your joint talk with DC. I think DC are very perceptive, and I think yours will see where the truth lies by your interaction with H.

Regarding your past behaviour in the marriage, its obvious you were both under long term stress, and you reacted one way and H reacted another. Don't beat yourself up about that, please. Getting a mistress (and lying about the chronology is hugely likely) puts H outside of your circle of trust. Work on your plan of action when you find yourself distracted, it helped me a lot.

If you inform your bank that you have separated they may freeze your accounts straight away, so take some advice before you do that.

Ah - the lurching from one thought to another - it's definitely him, no it's me, no If I hadn't done X, then he wouldn't have done Y. That stage lasts for yonks (does it ever end, I wonder?).

All boils down to the fact that you didn't try to fix your marriage by shagging someone else.

The generosity of a man carry guilt soon disappears, get proof of everything. Be empowered by knowing everything about your life, his life and your finical ties.

So sorry your marriage is over. x

Over analysing and questioning your possible guilt or responsibility for the breakdown of your marriage is normal. Think it, vent on here or with people you absolutely know you can trust but DON'T say any of this to him or any joint friends.

You will get through this, and you will survive. Yes it will get nasty , yes it will be hard , but know that you are doing the right thing. It hurts like hell, and will hurt for some time. But eventually you will look back and wonder Jesus why did I put up with that for so long! VBulletin'm
Get financial advice, get emotional support and get out of there.
Hugs for you. Onwards and upwards.Good luck x

Tartan, I said I'd post at more length so here it is. Mid 2014, my h did the classic, I don't know what I want, it's me not you thing, and 3 months later left for someone else. I had no idea that was on the cards. We'd been together 32 years, married for 28. There were things wrong, for us both, and I would have tried anything to make them right. I didn't get the choice to do that, as wellwhoknew said, mine too chose to fix it by shagging someone else. I don't think anyone is obliged to stay in a relationship that doesn't work, but it seems to me that I was entitled to a better ending than the one I was given, and you are too.
In front of my h, I tried hard not to do or say anything I'd later regret, and 14 months on, I can be proud of being calm and dignified, especially in front of the children. Of course there were times when that was impossible, but I tried my best not to beat myself up over them.
I chose to see a counsellor, which was and still is really helpful. If you can afford that, it's worth considering. One thing she said is that, in a partnership of 2, you can't ever be more than 50% responsible for what goes wrong. That's why your h asking you to wear all that went wrong is unreasonable and unfair, and you don't have to do it.

I can't remember much of the first 3 months after he left. I know I was really sad, and angry, and scared of the future, because all I thought it would be had gone. I decided that this wouldn't define me, that I had a life to lead too, and 14 months on, I have challenged myself, done things on my own that I didn't think I could do, and got to the point of liking them, and more importantly, myself. You will survive this, you too do have a future. I know that's hard to believe right now, but take heart because it is possible.
I am sorry for the essay, I just hope some of it helps. Take care.

Just remember, he wants to keep his pension intact - he doesn't want you having a 50% share. If I was in your shoes I would look very closely at how much his pension is worth, you don't have one.

You will not need a big family home in just a few years and tbh if I was in your position I would suggest half the house and half his pension, as financially you may well be better off than taking the house over the pension...?

You've had excellent support and advice. I would just say don't forget he isn't on your team anymore. Don't believe a word he says from now on in. I'm pretty sure most men say they will look after their cheated on wives and won't screw them financially. Then real world hits/little miss new boobs stamps her feet and they can't afford more than 3p a week now...

Just popping in to echo what others have said re pension - you've supported him with 26 years of unpaid wife work, so please please take advice before agreeing that it is all his.
And I hope tonight isn't too awful. I think he might be surprised by how upsetting his news will be for your dc... Even very grown-up children get quit upset when their parents split up. I hope you and they can find some good ways to support each other as you all start to deal with his shitstorm.

Well, back he came all cold and angry-eyed and said to me "Right. Let's get this done". We all sat in the living room and he told them what the score was. He said it was his decision. That the marriage had not been working for a long time and that neither of us had been happy. He told them that he had met somebody else and was moving out. He emphasised - and I confirmed - that the intention was to cause them as little hurt and disruption as possible and that he still loved them.

They all cried. DD1 left the room as soon as he said about seeing somebody else and she doesn't want to speak to him. Her boyfriend is picking her up soon and she is going out. DS is very upset and has gone out to see a friend. DD2 also went out and then came back. DH has gone out for a walk. I asked him if he was going to stay at home tonight or whether he felt like he wanted to go to a hotel. He was very short with me and told me that there wasn't the money to splash out on hotels and that he wasn't going to run away from the kids. Sheesh!

I have spoken to all of the kids. They are absolutely poleaxed; they had no idea it was coming. All of them were concerned about me and whether I would be OK - that made me cry. DD1 is angry with DH and the fact there is somebody else, DS is too, to a lesser extent. DD2 is struggling and wants to remain loyal to us both and asked if DH and I could be friends and that there is no atmosphere when we are in the same room. We thought it might be easier to achieve this later down the line.

I have made an appointment with a lawyer recommended by a RL friend of a friend who went through the same thing. I have a 30 minute free appointment and I can check out some things with her - basically I will ask a lot of the things that people on here have recommended I find out.

I have copies of various bits and pieces - I'm nothing if not an organised filer! Need to buy a new folder and dividers for divorce things now and colour code it. Can't decide between vomit yellow or shit brown; maybe a bit of both.

I hope DH moves out as soon as possible; it is a very awkward atmosphere and, guess what, he is still cold and sharp with me. I think that he blames me for being so horrible that it drove him away and made him upset his kids.

I still feel sad and hurt. It broke my heart to see the three kids sitting there with tears coursing silently down their faces. The girls do cry quite a lot, but for some reason it seemed particularly hard to see DS's tears.

I'll keep you posted. If I can provide my kids with even a fraction of the help, love and support that I have received from all you lovely people, then I know they will be fine.

Oh and, no, he didn't mention her age or that he works with her.

I think he very much wants to blame you, because in his mind that would absolve him of all guilt - remember he doesn't want to accept any responsibility for his actions, he wants to twist things so that you drove him to it. But he made that choice.

Of course he doesn't want to tell them her age. He knows how seedy it looks when his mistress is much closer in age to his daughter than his wife.

By the way, your filing system of vomit yellow and shit brown for all things husband related is inspired. You are amazing, and clearly a brilliant mum.

And if husband ever comes crawling back to you because OW has learned what he's like in real life, remember tonight. Remember how hard-faced he was not only with you, but to your children.