Please help. Husband leaving after 26 years

[tartanbuggy]

I am starting a new thread with a post that I posted within another (very helpful) thread. Just looking for some hand holding please. So very sad.

This happened to me last night. Married 26 years, 3 kids (20 and 17 year old twins). DH and I had not been close or happy with each other for a long time and had grown apart, but I still didn't see it coming. He has got together with somebody at work (he is 54 and the boss), she is 28. He said that they had been attracted to each other for a long time but had not acted upon it until he realised that our marriage was dead. He wants to move out and has said I can stay in the house with the children, but he wants to change our joint account to a single account and then he will continue to pay the bills and arrange to pay an allowance to me for the kids and any necessities. This will be paid into my separate bank account. He earns a lot, I don't. I was SAHM for many years and then spend two years up and down to help my parents who lived at the other end of the country and have since died. I am working p/t time at the moment, but it is term-time only and I earn very little.

I feel like I'm in a dream. I keep "forgetting" and then remembering. I feel numb but with a weird churning sensation in my stomach. I haven't been happy in the marriage either - DH can, in my opinion, be quite difficult to live with and I gradually withdrew and stuck my head in the sand. It then all went round in circles. He said he had been unhappy for a number of years, and that if we had been happy together then the other woman "would not have existed".

The kids don't know yet. They will be told and I am absolutely dreading their reaction. I don't think I can bear it. Oldest DD is mentally very fragile and has been struggling with depression, culminating in an overdose a few weeks ago. Physically she is fine, but I am so worried about her.

I feel sick. Really, really sick and humiliated and terrified about the future and how we will manage. Please, MNers, let me know this can be got through. I am so scared.

he is still cold and sharp with me. I think that he blames me for being so horrible that it drove him away and made him upset his kids. - yes, he has to blame YOU, because to do otherwise would be to accept the blame for his own actions, and that would mean that he was in the wrong, and that he has hurt his kids and made them cry ...and that would make him an awful person. It can't be his own fault!

I cannot get over the man deciding that he can sleep with the OW once he has made the decision to split from you - without you even knowing about it!!!! He has to justify it to himself, that what he did was not wrong! The marriage was over (except that was news to you)

He has done you the biggest favour, really.

if they ask you any further details about her, answer honestly

I'm 5 yrs down the line from you tartan, unluckily for me I only discovered MN post divorce so missed out on all this advice - and the fact that there was a script - and yes, mine stuck to it too! I agree that he is not your friend now, he will screw you financially if he can.

Once thing I did, which I don't regret, is that I told my exh that if he wanted a divorce then he would have to come up with suitable grounds. He had to argue that it was my unreasonable behaviour, and come up with something that his solicitor thought the judge would accept. I didn't even read it until 2 yrs post divorce - I didn't care what he wrote, but it put the ball firmly in his camp. We had a very swift divorce and he married the OW less than a year after he told me he wanted one. He's now reaping the rewards of that rush of blood to the groin

My dc were a similar age. After a rocky few years they are all now speaking to him again - but he's lost their respect and he'll never have the relationship with them that I do. I'm a whole lot happier than he'll ever be.

Can I suggest you get a bright and cheerful colour for your divorce folder - mine was a lovely shade of purple - and create a folder on your computer with a really positive name for saving important docs and information. Something like 'Fresh Start'. You are going to go through a really tough patch, but please believe me when I say that you will be so much happier when you are free of him.

I've just read the whole thread, it happened to me too after a long marriage. You have had all the right advice on here but I just want to add, DO NOT keep the copies of the documents in the house, they are likely to "go missing". YOU MUST (if you haven't already done so) leave copies of everything somewhere safe out of the house, oh and change your will too.

Just to add you must remember that this man is not your friend. This is very hard to do and I found it was a complete head fuck that the man I had trusted with my life had overnight become my worst enemy, this is what he now is, please remember it. You wouldn't trust your worst enemy with anything and this is how you must think from now on.
He now see you (and possibly your children) as an encumbrance to his new and wonderful, delusional twat that he is life.
I'm sorry if that is harsh but the sooner you realise the man you thought he was, is for all intents and purposes dead, the better off you will be.
As others have said you will come out the other side and have a new and wonderful life.
When you're going through hell you just keep going

Yes to keeping documents outside the house even after he moves out (I made that mistake).

Wish I could give you and your dc hugs. You are being amazingly strong and keeping your sense of humour.

Be prepared for all the questions tomorrow and the next few days/weeks from your dc. And that they might blame you. Try not to take that personally. They will be hurt and looking for someone to blame and it might be easier to let that out to you rather than your h.

And, as AF said, be honest. Do not withhold information in a misguided attempt to preserve their image of their father. It won't work in the long-term and will backfire in that they will mistrust you.

H has disrupted their world not you, and DC will see that. I think they will also see that asking their parents to stay friends is too much of an ask at this stage. Please don't get into the habit of blaming yourself for their unhappiness, it isn't justified from what you have said and can't help you.

IMO you should tell your DC about OW, they will find out anyway. Don't keep H's secrets for him.

Once again, thanks for all the replies and I will read them through later this evening. It's been absolutely hectic today. I had a very late night last night; DD1 kept coming downstairs to talk to me and DS is like a toddler again; following me from room to room just wanting to talk. Got to bed at 2.30am. Love's Young Dream (LYD) slept in our room and I went in with DD2 who, luckily, has a brand new double bed - and doesn't snore.

Up early and into work and at lunchtime we got news that the O visitors will be arriving tomorrow (those in education will completely understand). I've got a bit of work to catch up on and LYD is out flat hunting. Bless. My RL friend hopes LYD rents from Norman Bates.

Fun-filled week this is turning out to be. A big rectal abscess would top it off nicely. Ah, but no, I forgot - he's out flat hunting...

I'll keep you posted. It's all got very hectic all of a sudden.

Oh god, it's like the biblical plagues are all visiting your house this week- first the plague of the dickhead husband, then the plague of the life-sucking beasts from the land of criticism. Hope all goes well (And watch out for locusts!)

Of course he wants to blame you. It saves him having to admit the truth to himself....that he's a selfish, cheating, walking, walking midlife crisis cliche. Dickhead.

You sound really strong. Hope you get him out the house ASAP. At least then you won't be on edge so much having to cope with his mood, etc. Then you can focus on legal advice and yourself and kids.

Hope today went well, OP. Are O back tomorrow? Though, with what's going on at home, ...

I've just read the thread in it's entirety and just wanted to say that it will get better. You sound like you are a very strong woman and you have had some brilliant advice but I know from personal experience how easy it is to swing from 'go get 'um' to 'shaking like a leaf'.

My exh announced he was leaving after 18 years together and yes, there was an other woman - his boss. We spent nearly 4 months pretending it wasn't happening due to Dd1 's exams etc, which was easy for him as he worked away in the week and could live life free of ties whereas I had to smile 24/7 and pretend that nothing was out of place! It took me 6 months to get a grip on my swinging emotions - to stop feeling like I was permenently winded and life was over.

Now, 3 years on, I have met a wonderful man who is now my husband and we are expecting our 2nd child together (I married young the first time!). That may not be what everyone does, but you will find happiness however you wish to. No matter what it feels like now you will find new happiness. FWIW, my exh is not happy being single (didn't work out with OW) but we are far better friends than we were married and we effectively co-parent very successfully with absolutely no animosity - it can be done once the initial nightmare settles down. Xx

OP, I predict you have a life of much happiness ahead.

What an arse - how will you possibly not be happier with him out of it? What sort of man does that a week after his child takes an overdose?

You sound string and lovely. Baldy will soon be grumpy and droopy with 28 year old - DON'T take him back when she bins him x

Hello everybody. Just coming in to let you all know that I am still alive. So, alas, is he.

I just can't believe that this time last week I was completely and utterly unaware of what was going to be happening. It was less than a week but it feels like 10 years. So much has happened and he is driving it through, cold and hard and God help anybody who gets in his way.

Since last time I posted we have spoken briefly a few times in the morning before work and it has ended in tears. He is absolutely determined that this is going through and that it will be done. I just cannot believe the utterly contemptuous and angry way he is dealing with me! He shuts down anything I start to say that he doesn't like with a brutal put-down and if I argue back or stand up to him it just inflames the situation. I can see why people at work have complained about him over the years. I don't even think he realises just how intimidating and utterly ruthless he presents when he is like this.

We went through the finances and he has stated that the kids and I will stay in the house for the time being. He will pay mortgage, bills, and an allowance for me and the kids. I will retain my salary. Our joint account (into which his salary goes) will be made a sole account that only he will be able to access. Our savings will be split 50:50. He wants to retain full pension rights and I will retain the equity in the house. He wants the change to be effected immediately because he has found a flat to rent and wants to have the money available ASAP so that he can move in. I want him out of the way as fast as possible; the atmosphere in the house is more than I can cope with. I broke down at work three times yesterday which I now feel a bit embarrassed about.

Yesterday morning was awful. He did the stony faced, "need to talk" before I left for work and then reiterated what he had said the night before and pointed out that he was being very generous with what he was prepared to give. I asked how long the situation with him paying the mortgage and bills would last and did he think it would be a year, or more or what. He stared at me as if I had two heads and said, "Actually, I was thinking 6 months". I was so shocked my legs shook and I thought I was going to faint. I started gabbling the usual, "but, what if .... " "I don't know what to do .... " etc. Then, of course, I cried. Then he got angry - oh no, I forgot - "he doesn't get angry, I always make him out to be a nasty man and he's not". He pointed out that his generosity was not boundless and that whilst he was paying for two households, he was being left with very little to live on and that it was absolutely reasonable that the house be sold, another smaller one bought, the equity released for me to live on and that he is being absolutely fair and generous. All the while it feels like somebody is punching me in the guts. Then commenced a rant about him being fair and reasonable and just wanting to do the best for his family and be generous ....

I had my appointment with the solicitor yesterday - really nice woman. It was very reassuring. I spoke about what he wanted us to do with regard to the joint account and the savings. She said there were no immediate concerns about either action; there would have been nothing to stop him opening a separate bank account and having his wages paid in there and the savings issue would have been 50:50 anyway. There were no red flags.

He is just coming downstairs... Will finish the post later. Briefly, we discussed mediation etc etc xx

Please do not talk to him any more about this. If he suggests anything - "I'll have to think about that/I'm thinking about that." File anything he says carefully away in your head though - it might be useful. Do not agree to anything. Even if you think something is a good idea, do not act on it for three days - think it through again.

All strategies I evolved or learned from MN during my own divorce.

Do you need to talk with him about finance at all? Can't it all be done via solicitor?

Morning, I hope you have had a better week and you have seen a lawyer to get advice, my divorce will be at the absolute stage on 18th feb , please sort out your finances , anger is what my ex had , all to me , when he had ow and abandoded us , ow will start to influence so get it sorted while he still feel guilty. My son was at uni and he told his tutors himself of course kids are effected, your ex wants all the control , well he is going to have a big shock for his behaviour has been awful , sending you a virtual hug x

Tartan I'm glad you found a solicitor you like and that she could put your mind at rest a little that she's checking straight off for red flags.

There is a giant red flag for me though I'm afraid, in that your H thinks he can dictate over and above either your feelings, or the law.

Please don't let him bully you. You are both individuals now, not a partnership and you must look after your own interests above all else. This situation is not of your choosing for you or your DCs so you must take serious professional advice.

He does not get to set the rules.

Respond to him with 'I completely agree, settlement must be fair and equitable and that's what I've instructed my solicitor'

As others have said, don't engage in debate, don't be talked at, just keep on repeating yourself in a way that's as emotionless as possible.
Do not let him know what you're thinking or feeling.

You may not feel strong, but fake it until you make it. You'll get plenty of support here.

Excellent advice Enrique , he is not in charge of you anymore as this drives them mad and angry 😡 we are all here to keep you strong and share your journey x

As others have said stop engaging with him smile politely and say oh a lot he doesn't get to dictate anymore he can find out what life is like when you split your finances from your solicitor you don't need to fight this corner.

Nothing really to add Tartan - some excellent advice on here already - just want to send you supportive vibes and good luck wishes.

If it's any consolation his future is totally predictable - new relationship over in less than two years/or his 28 year old has children, marries him and he casts about for another soulless affair. Your future on the other hand is yet to be written and I bet there is a lot of happiness ahead.

By all means move to 'I will think about that' etc. and don't agree with anything straight off. He has had plenty of time to work out and prepare what he wants.

You have only just found out and are in shock and need time to process what he wants/you need.

Ah, the husband who thinks he can dictate what is fair...the world is full of them. The poster above is right, your reply is always "I will think about that...."

Tartan , don't take my generosity as a weakness , that's my dads saying and I live by that , he has been horrible to you and you don't deserve one minute of his mental abuse , keep strong , take time to find your authentic self and btw move on , this is my mission , I know it's so hard but you can do it , with your mnets support ❤️❤️