To ask what wish you knew before you got divorced.

(69 Posts)
spad Sun 24-Jan-16 22:15:15

I think I am at the start of that road and don't know anything about it.

tia

Apologies if you don't think it is an aibu but would appreciate the traffic.

ilovesooty Sun 24-Jan-16 22:18:52

I wish I'd known how expensive and heartbreaking the process was going to be.
I wish I'd known how lonely times like Christmas would be.
I wish I'd been able to foresee the positives of living alone.
I wish I'd known how great my new career and independence would be.

There are negatives and positives but on balance I wish I'd done it sooner.
Good luck.

MrsNoraCharles Sun 24-Jan-16 22:19:20

Overwhelmingly I wish I'd known what a good decision it would prove to be - that way I'd have done it earlier.

Lookatyourwatchnow Sun 24-Jan-16 22:21:57

Wish I'd known how much happier my life was going to be and that I had done it sooner wink

However I do wish I had finalised all the finances/splitting assets actually within the divorce as it then resulted in a separate set of proceedings which could have been avoided potentially.

spad Sun 24-Jan-16 22:24:10

Sooty

Would you have stayed to avoid the heartache of split family Christmas etc?

RakeMeHomeCountryToads Sun 24-Jan-16 22:25:03

I wish I'd done it sooner.

ilovesooty Sun 24-Jan-16 22:26:46

spad I don't have children but I do get very lonely at Christmas.

No way would I stay in an unhappy marriage to avoid things like loneliness and split Christmas though. If you're really unhappy, you're unhappy for a reason.

spad Sun 24-Jan-16 22:36:07

So why did you leave Sooty?

notenoughbottle Sun 24-Jan-16 22:44:28

To not have signed a clean break order despite having been advised to. Also to have kept his laptop which held most of the evidence of his cheating. Instead it was the first thing I gave him back.

breezydoesit Sun 24-Jan-16 22:46:36

I feel a bit sad reading this thread sad I hope you're all ok

DoltFromTheBlue Sun 24-Jan-16 23:00:54

A loved one is going through this.

I wish she/we had known how much it can be like a runaway train, dragging people abd relationships into the slip stream.

Seek legal advice before you do a thing so you know exactly where you stand. Assume nothing about your rights or entitlements.

Get a good lawyer you work with well.

Document everything.

Work out how you can pay for legal fees. No money, no access.

Never leave your kids in the family home with your ex. Doesn't matter how tight you are, psychologically they will feel abandoned.

However guilty and sad you are be ruthless about what your share is.

Obviously not everyone behaves like the ex alluded to above, but some people can and will do everything to destroy you - and when it happens it is BAD

Mari50 Sun 24-Jan-16 23:02:24

I wish I'd known just how bad things could actually get and worked damn harder at what i had.
Over a decade later and I still regret it all.

Twgtwf Sun 24-Jan-16 23:25:59

That's a brave post, Mari50. I think that's what most people fear, although clearly here it's counter-balanced.

Headdesk Mon 25-Jan-16 00:55:51

That I would lose ALL of my friends. Don't regret a thing though.

summerainbow Mon 25-Jan-16 01:34:41

the cost
get all your medical issueses documented.
don't expect the kids to be on your side.
it is worth it.
my life is mine now.
get couciling afterwards.

booitsme Mon 25-Jan-16 02:27:15

I'm a lawyer mediator - not divorced but spoke to many clts who wish they had not wasted fortune on lawyers and tried to resolve finances themselves or tried mediation first. (I've been a lawyer and mediator so experienced both roles). Rarely is the sum in dispute worth solicitor and court fees!

Also they often regret the hurt and upset children have suffered. Vent to friends, family, counsellor ... But never involve children and always tell them their other parent loves them - no matter how they behave! Always try and encourage and facilitate contact (unless unsafe) it's your legal duty and far more important than that; your children need to know you never tried to stop contact and you did your best for them.

Most clts regret not leaving sooner than the minority that regret leaving. Better lonely for a while alone than longterm In a marriage. Children will cope and come through it if treated age appropriately and told it's not their fault and they are loved.

Baconyum Mon 25-Jan-16 02:40:43

That I'd done it sooner.

That I hadn't listened when he'd said I was a crap mum and wouldn't cope on my own.

That I'd emptied the joint account before he did.

That I'd taken the car key off him so he couldn't take it in the middle of the night without telling me.

That I'd known MN was not just for baby advice (it was only just around then) so I'd known to 'get my ducks in a row' and not let him access certain paperwork.

That CSA are shite and need you calling every day to get their finger out their arse!

That shelter don't just help the homeless but the about to be homeless - they did help just in time but if I'd known before hand it would have saved me time, money and sleepless nights. Ditto how helpful even tory MP's can be.

That not all solicitors know what they're doing, that you can change solicitor. It wasn't until 2 years after split I learned this from a legal sec. My first solicitor was shit, 2nd was great. I was very lucky in that I was eligible for legal and am disgusted its been withdrawn for most divorces.

Contrary to boo (who has not been through a divorce) that no contact is better than shitty contact with a parent who is only doing it for the sake of appearances and doesn't really care. I did everything in my power to facilitate contact but ultimately what's happened is my dd feels unloved and unlovable by her dad she'd have been better off with no contact. I think it's out of order that legally the resident parent (the one who's dealing with all the emotions and repercussions) cannot legally stop OR enforce contact.

Baconyum Mon 25-Jan-16 02:42:25

*Eligible for legal aid

Sighing Mon 25-Jan-16 04:00:42

That I was self reliant enough all along. That self confidence is just as far away as doing something for myself.
To get everything in writing.
To never trust someone else with my money. To not hope/ wish for support from family.
To get on with my life.
That happiness was mine to find all along.

LionHearty Mon 25-Jan-16 05:08:29

The peace that having a home free of ex is like. Bliss.

That life post divorce feels safer.

That the process of, detaching from the other person, (shock), disappointment, grief is ongoing, past the divorce. Even if you are in a subsequent relationship.

LionHearty Mon 25-Jan-16 05:10:41

Quite how many fair weather friends I had.

CauliflowerBalti Mon 25-Jan-16 06:17:50

That I wish I'd done it sooner. My life started when I got divorced. Everything up until that point was sleepwalking. I didn't become me until my divorce. My marriage wasn't bad. It just wasn't right. He had an affair in the end but I don't point fingers or blame him. We shouldn't have married.

We didn't use solicitors, everything was very amiable.

Don't get me wrong. It was emotionally devastating because I felt like I'd failed my son. I'd have stayed together for his sake. I'm so glad my ex-h was more sensible/selfish.

bimbobaggins Mon 25-Jan-16 07:02:29

I wish id known how strong i could be and do it sooner instead of sleeping on a sofa for a year.
You realsie who your real friends are. People will come out of the woodwork for the gossip yet make up their own stories about your split anyway.
That no matter how bad things get you will be fine and your dc will be fine

Fidelia Mon 25-Jan-16 07:06:30

Be age appropriately honest about why you're splitting up. It helps the children to not blame themselves.

Never badmouth the Ex in front of the children. My Mum gave me this advice as someone whose parents had a vicious divorce. I will never regret following her advice on this even though Ex has said nasty things about me.

If you have a passive aggressive Ex it will take forever to get anything done and will cost more than it should.

If you're on a low income, sign up with a solicitor and make monthly payments on account for as long as you can before actually starting proceedings. Be honest about your finances and ask them what work you can do to reduce costs.

Don't be talked into leaving the house if you are the children's primary carer.

Gather all the financial information that you can. Make sure you have copies of his last three payslips and details of all Hus bank accounts and credit cards and the balances on them at the point of separation.

IckyPlush Mon 25-Jan-16 07:10:28

notenoughbottle can I ask what the issue with the clean break order was? I'm being advised to do one but I don't really understand why

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