Please help. Husband leaving after 26 years

[tartanbuggy]

I am starting a new thread with a post that I posted within another (very helpful) thread. Just looking for some hand holding please. So very sad.

This happened to me last night. Married 26 years, 3 kids (20 and 17 year old twins). DH and I had not been close or happy with each other for a long time and had grown apart, but I still didn't see it coming. He has got together with somebody at work (he is 54 and the boss), she is 28. He said that they had been attracted to each other for a long time but had not acted upon it until he realised that our marriage was dead. He wants to move out and has said I can stay in the house with the children, but he wants to change our joint account to a single account and then he will continue to pay the bills and arrange to pay an allowance to me for the kids and any necessities. This will be paid into my separate bank account. He earns a lot, I don't. I was SAHM for many years and then spend two years up and down to help my parents who lived at the other end of the country and have since died. I am working p/t time at the moment, but it is term-time only and I earn very little.

I feel like I'm in a dream. I keep "forgetting" and then remembering. I feel numb but with a weird churning sensation in my stomach. I haven't been happy in the marriage either - DH can, in my opinion, be quite difficult to live with and I gradually withdrew and stuck my head in the sand. It then all went round in circles. He said he had been unhappy for a number of years, and that if we had been happy together then the other woman "would not have existed".

The kids don't know yet. They will be told and I am absolutely dreading their reaction. I don't think I can bear it. Oldest DD is mentally very fragile and has been struggling with depression, culminating in an overdose a few weeks ago. Physically she is fine, but I am so worried about her.

I feel sick. Really, really sick and humiliated and terrified about the future and how we will manage. Please, MNers, let me know this can be got through. I am so scared.

Tartan, time to channel your inbuilt chutzpah, even if you know you had any

Remember what I recommended before? faking it until you make it and putting all the problems into their own little locker. You've let go of that and had a freefall moment, but everyone needs a release.

The good thing about employing a solicitor you trust and who is SHIT HOT, is to know all the legal stuff AND to ensure the final break is just and fair. Ok?
So don't be worrying about where you're going to live and what will happen in 10 or 20 years time. This is for them to work on and sort out and for you to be involved in further into the process. When H talks about it, smile enigmatically and agree to absolutely nothing. Don't even have an opinion to offer, smile and 'Mmmm?' vaguely. The house versus pension question is best worked out by people with the expertise to know, not by him or by you. He's trying to dictate and pressure you.

It's absolutely fine that you ranted. Not ideal, but it's done now. If anything's said laugh and say oh yes, I needed that, and brush it off.

I also want to tell you that what you imagine is your H's now perfect life scenario won't be that at all. He's saying that all you're concerned about is money, because that's his primary concern, to take to his new life.
You're envious that he seems to have moved on smoothly from one life to another, but you don't yet know what the future holds.

Your children are old enough to form their own opinions. Try hard not to offload on them but if asked, nothing wrong IMO in saying things like you had no idea and that you didn't see it coming, but keep it fairly neutral.

You can always rant here when you need to get things off your chest.
You'll be fine. Better than fine. Unfortunately you just have to wade through the rubbish to come out the other side, but you will

Tartan, nothing to add to the excellent advice but I just wanted to say that you sound like the loveliest, most eloquent woman. He sounds like a nasty domestic tyrant with an unhealthy dose of the 'executive gene'; your lovely children will see through him and his deluded floozy, have no fear. Sending you huge hugs through cyber space. X

tartan all the stuff about "you wouldn't go out" , "you didn't seem happy" etc etc - it is all said to JUSTIFY his own behaviour . He is rewriting his life to make himself feel less guilty. You could have been performing handstands in crotchless pants and it wouldn't have made a blind bit of difference!

As regards the panic and fear about what will happen to you I know exactly how you feel because I was there myself.

You need to get yourself the book - The Wealthy Divorcee: A Step-By-Step Guide To Navigating The Finances During And After Divorce . (ON Amazon) It spells out in simple terms the things that you need to think about ! It talks about the biggest mistakes you can make - one of which is accepting property instead of a pension. I know that your head is in a fuzz ( mine was too) but you need to read it and then later reread it again and again ....You need to fill in the form from the GOV.UK site for a State Pension forecast. This can take a while to come. You need to start looking for an Independent Financial Adviser - they will give you a free 30 mins and if you get a good one then they will set your mind at rest. NO decisions can be made about future splits until he has his CETV, his State Pension forecast and your State Pension forecast and any pension you may from an earlier job if any. These can take months to come.

We have all said horrible things to them - so what ? You mean them at the time. Believe me when I tell you that you are in shock and trauma . Just take it easy - one day at a time.

Tartan, that was some pretty harrowing reading even when you were being so calm in the earlier stages of this complete and utter heartbreak

Im so sorry you're going through this.

I did have a laugh though about the tanning, and dentistry work he had done.

My husband did similar, he had his teeth whitened, and started to rub a hair growth lotion into his scalp a few times a day. I didnt know what was going on at the time and used to laugh and say you'll end up with hairy fingers if your not careful and people will think you're an Orangutan. And now Im laughing at the thought of your orange tanned husband and the fact he really would have looked like an Orangutan if he'd tried hair lotion.

xxxx

Just checking in to say that I'm OK this morning. All really great posts have come in since my last one - thank you! I had reached a bit of depth yesterday and you have all helped me to look up. The comment about the fuzzy head rings particularly true! I will be ordering the book as well.

The revelation yesterday that they are moving in together really rocked me. A lot of people (RL and on here) had wondered if they would be moving in together and I was pretty sure they wouldn't; he said they would not and I was certain he wouldn't be so keen to invite the kids to visit him in his new flat if OW also lived there. Somebody also wondered if this had been planned for a while ... I wonder.

I had a RL friend shoot over last night when I had sent a miserable text and it really helped to have somebody sit with me and talk through everything and help me get it in perspective. I don't know where this tendency to beat myself up and take on the blame for everything comes from; I must have been a complete and utter martyr in a previous life. And I bet I've not even got a sainthood

Off to work soon and just wanted to say thank you to everybody who has been so kind and helpful. It must be awful to have to go through things like this without help and support.

Tartan, what you said about your parents.... ach, it made me sob. But you never know. Maybe someone else will smile through the living room window when you come home. Perhaps it will be a new relationship with someone kick-ass or maybe - and this is a wonderful thing to aspire to - that 'someone' will be your new life, one where you don't have to walk on eggshells.

Please don't agree to the pension/house swap. It may not be in your best interests.

You've sacrificed income in your retirement by not working and raising your JOINT children. Your work at home enabled your husband to forge on with his career and accumulate a large pension pot. That is a marital asset just as much as the house is , and it's earned by the labour of both of you.

And in the light of this, you may get more than 50/50 on the house. You've also sacrificed your long-term earning capacity by not working during the years most usually the ones where a career is forged (your 30s and 40s). THere's quite a bit of evidence around (you can search for public reports from divorce financial settlements) about the ways in which SAH wives enable high-earning husbands to become those high earners.

Although this is why I tell young women "Never give up your job" Never give up your economic independence.

And make friends with a rottweiler of a lawyer.

just read that he must be checking your internet history - hope he has not got your password . Also if you can wipe the history as you will be recognisable if he goes on mn. Your dcc will be judging him but better for them not to get into the middle right now. They will make up their own minds regarding what they want to do. He is on a path to nowhere as he will not be able to keep up with this ambitious ow who is using him as a stepping stone for her career. She will want to marry him and then take him for 1/2 of what's left when you're done. You will have your 1/2 free and clear -unless you decide to share too. His work rep will not be enhanced by what he has done. This has been in the works for at least a year. To find an apartment and decorate and furnish the love nest does not get done overnight.Good you are tapping into your righteous wrath. It will strengthen you when you need it.You are on the right track,op.

Hope you have a good day at work. Tonight I think you need to change all your passwords and set a password on your mobile and/or computer, if you haven't done so already. It's a part of creating your own 'safe zone', iyswim.

And if you share a computer, yy to deleting your history.

tartan, I told you my past. Maybe it's time to tell you my present. I spent a year getting myself back together. I fantasised initially about him coming home, full of apologies. I HATED him having any sort of relationship with the children (whilst parroting, he's your dad, he left me not you, of course you must work out your own relationship with him). I was terribly sad.

Do you think that some of this present loss connects you with past losses? I found counselling helped with that as well as with how I behaved when I had to have contact with my h, and forgiving myself when I wasn't able to handle that contact as well as I'd hoped.

15 months on, I have been on group holidays on my own, made some new friends, discovered some friends who were previously acquaintances, joined a new sports club, worked out my own relationship with the children. I can spend time on my own, which I have always hated, and I have a very nice, happy life, doing what I want, when and how I want. Thanks to a good lawyer, my financial future isn't anything like as bad as I feared it would be either. Yes, there are difficult times, but there were difficult times when I was with my h, too. The best bit is that I like myself. And I wouldn't have him back for all the tea in China. Take heart- you will come through this.

PS mine moved straight in with the OW too. I think this: I have learnt a ton of stuff about how strong and resilient I am, and I will never be afraid of being on my own now. And what has my h learnt? He can run away, to a new shiny lady. She'll get tarnished. And as a friend said to me, the grass may be greener, but it still needs mowing.

the grass may be greener, but it still needs mowing.

Greener grass takes a lot more mowing, IME

Hi Tartan
Will you not be seeking spousal maintenance? my friend with a high earning husband has been told she will be entitled to it. My solicitor advised seeking £1 a year even if you weren't claiming as then it can be increased if circumstances change. If no application is made then you can never retrospectively make a claim.

Tartan , just wanted to send a big massive hug , don't be ashamed of your emotions , he has scarred your heart, and you will now be grieving for every loss in your life . I had pity parties on my own , light a candle , lay in bed , do whatever your body needs to heal, this is worst than a death , at least when someone you love dies , they died loving you , it hurts like hell , but I promise you with all my heart , it will get better , start living in the moment , do what is right for you , we are all different , I have only been on mn since Xmas so I had 10 months not knowing all the emotions were normal for how we have be treat, and guess what just found out my ex is moving in with her and her kids, the silly old fool , we are all behind you tartan, your virtual friends ❤️❤️

I've just read this thread. What a stupid, stupid man he is, and what a lovely and strong wife he has lost.

You come across so well in your posts. Even though you are going through this devastating trauma, your posts shine with intelligence, emotional maturity, strength and compassion. Humour too at times. It will all serve you well getting through this now, and for rebuilding your life in the future.

Your children will be fine too. After all, they have you for their mother.

He says that OW is now part of his life and that they will support and be there for the children. It is true love; she came from a very dysfunctional family and her parents split when she was little and her older sister brought her up. She works with him.

They, they will support and be there for the children???? What planet is he on? The OW is barely out of gym knickers. How on earth will she have a clue about how to support your dc? Particularly as they are likely to bitterly resent her when all this sinks in? The man is in cloud cuckoo land.

Her very dysfunctional family and upbringing doesn't bode well for the longevity of that relationship and probably explains why she has hitched up with a father figure who can offer the semblance of stability. Sounds like a house of cards waiting to crumble to me. I give it 6 months, and he could well be after being taken back by you by the end of the year. I think life is about to kick him hard in the balls.

You also say you feel guilty. Ok, so you were not perfect Stepford wifey. But ask yourself this: if you were fed up of the marriage and had decided to end, how would you have gone about that? Would you a) meet a toy boy old enough to be your child, see him for a year+, plan to live with him... and then mention it to your husband and children a week or so before you moved out; or b) told your husband how you felt, given him some time and been considerate enough to let him talk it all through with you over time and then plan over time to move out on your own before starting a new relationship?

Which ever way you look at it, he's a selfish, immature, nasty fucker who has treated you and your children with disdain and ruthless cruelty. His words won't admit that. His actions speak louder.

Re the house/pension. Yes, if you have sufficient equity in the house you can sell and buy something outright. But as your dc are under 18 and might continue education for some years yet (?) I think you should aim to get the mortgage paid by him until they are independent and then you can look at selling the marital home. BUT seek proper legal advice on this.

I was advised that the nominal assumed cash value is 5% of the pension pot. However, since the law has changed and they can be cashed in before term I think you can say (and use as a bargaining chip) that you want it to be cashed in and take 50%. He will really not want to do that. Are there any other assets? Investments, savings, cars... etc?

Do you know the full picture of all your marital assets, ie everything that you both own?

Notnownigel, that is brilliant. Tartan, highlight notniwnigel's para on guilt. It is a marvellous, rational thing.

And kirk's post is beautifil. Plus wtaf does dh think he is doing telling you about ow's upbringing? Deeply uncool.

Hi OP. Just popped in to see how you are. Take care.

Likewise.

Just take it one step at a time - and please don't beat yourself up for his behaviour. No matter what problems there may have been, jumping into bed with some starry eyed subordinate, was never going to help the marriage.

The one thing someone told me, and believe it: All the months he was sneaking off to get his kicks, he was not emotionally investing in the marriage - in fact, most likely he was moody, erratic, hard bloody work, which makes one withdraw to avoid the crank!

Hardly fair is it - being treated like shit and then blamed for it?

My mum is this situation - my dad after 36 years of marriage is having a mid life crisis and announced 14 months ago he wanted a divorce. He thought he was going to give her half the house and that was it, she's got a SHD (shit hit daughter - me !!) who trawled the web and found out about all this stuff and went with her to hold her hand at the solicitors. They've just about to move out having sold the home and she's better now than she has been for months now the pressure is off.

How are you Tartanbuggy?

Hello everybody and thank you for all the posts since I was last on here. I've just seen that my last post (cue the bugle) was on Wednesday, but it seems like weeks ago. I've found the last few days particularly hard and although I've sat down a few times to post, I've not been able to muster enough concentration to finish.

I've felt very very up and down and my mood ranges from euphoric Yes, I can do it. I will survive to the depths of despair It was all my fault. I am horrible and mean and moody and drove him away. I'm sad and it's my own fault I can be laughing and feeling positive one minute and then just start crying the next. It's happened a few times in public too. OK when with friends, not so OK when in the condiments aisle in Sainsburys ... or the dog food aisle ... or the soap powder aisle ... I'll be getting banned on the grounds of a miserable face scaring off the customers.

I have been buoyed by the hugely supportive messages on here: emotional support; practical advice; people telling their own stories; funny tales. I have logged on many times, often in the dead of night, just to re-read the thread and it helps no end. RL friends have been fantastic too in allowing me a bolt-hole when DH was round collecting his stuff; dropping everything to come and sit on my sofa and listen to me wail and sob; taking me out for tea and drinks; not minding me turning up on their doorsteps unannounced; being on the end of the phone or email. Just wonderful.

I have not got anything done this week and have been far too frantic to settle to doing anything that required concentration. I keep thinking that I am going to have to speak to DH at some stage regarding money and finances but I just cannot face seeing or speaking to him. I can't stand the person I become when he is around and the way he makes me feel so nervous. I think any future dealings will have to be carried out in a neutral venue or with a third party present. It's not because I'm afraid of physical violence or anything, but I just find it so hard to behave rationally and with dignity when he is around. I will not start researching finances or thinking about what to do until I am good and ready. I can't even make a decision about what to put on a sandwich at the moment, let alone consider house moves or money.

I have been researching professional counselling - think I might have found somebody to contact - to help me deal with my feelings about what has happened, about how to deal with my behaviour when I see DH and, most of all, how to cope with the way I feel about the DCs seeing him. As a PP has said, I find it almost unbearable thinking about him being with them. I know he is entitled to a relationship with his children and that they deserve to have a happy relationship with both parents. DD2 is keen to see him and will be going out for dinner with him soon. I am having to force myself not to pass comment or ask her lots of questions, but I am desperate to seek reassurance from her that she still loves me and that she wants to be with me and that she is not upset at me, etc. I am struggling with these insecurities and irrational thoughts but I know that I have to hold back and allow her to develop the relationship that she needs with her dad. I can see her facial expression change when I mention things or if she feels I'm talking too much and I have to make such an effort to hold back. DS is still upset at his dad, but I think he will come round given a bit of time. DD1, I'm not so sure about. I think the upshot is that I find it hard to think that they can love somebody who has been so cruel to me but, then, it is not just somebody - it is their dad. This is where professional counselling will come in useful: I am desperate not to add to their upset by dumping on them emotionally and I will do whatever it takes to ensure I get help with that.

Poor DCs. It would have been hard if they had been younger but just because they are almost adults, doesn't mean that they feel things any less intensely. I think they might be holding things in a lot more: perhaps they are afraid of upsetting me; maybe they can't bear to try to think about it and perhaps be in the position of resenting one parent more than the other; maybe they are reluctant to let go and cry and sob in the way that younger children can do.

I'll keep plodding on at the moment. One step at a time. I will use friends and come on here to vent, rage and spit venom. I won't inflict it on DCs. I'm having to accept that the mood swings will come and go and that it is normal to feel this awful dread and anxiety. I just wish it didn't have to be like this. So, so hard.

Thank you everybody for being here for me and looking out for me. If I hadn't had MN and hadn't had such a good network of friends and colleagues, God alone knows what sort of state I would be in.

I'll keep posting and, as always, love hearing from you all. Thank you!

Oh God, it gets worse. I've just had a series of texts from DD1 who was away visiting her boyfriend and his family over half-term. She is distraught because he has just split up with her again. I think they've had a big row and he has told her she is pathetic and needy and he can't cope with her.

He split with her over Christmas after admitting he had slept with somebody else. This culminated in her overdose on New Year's Eve. They got back together after the event and had been trying, I think, to get things back on track. She had started counselling and CBT therapy, but is only just newly into it. Then DH announced he was leaving me a couple of weeks after...

I am so worried about her but can't go to get her because they are 70 miles away and I've had wine. I think she's safe at his house - his family are there and are lovely by all accounts - but it's her emotional state I'm worried about. She is very insecure with low self-esteem and has been struggling with depression for quite some time. I think she is probably quite hard work for any boyfriend, especially a young one (he's about 24 I believe) who is maybe not equipped with the wherewithal to deal with a girlfriend with DD1's type of issues. I think she may require constant reassurance from boyfriends: she will refuse to believe they really love her so seems to provoke them into having to prove themselves and their love for her. I say them, because last year a different long-term boyfriend split with her for the same reasons. He used to get very upset about their relationship and would text (and sometimes phone!) me in the small hours to talk to me about it. He was usually pretty distressed and worried that the relationship was beginning to affect his uni studies. I only want DD1's happiness but can't really blame very young men for not being able to cope with the baggage she seems to bring to a relationship.

I don't expect anybody is about at this time in the morning to read this, but I'm sitting here unable to get back to sleep and thought I'd get it all down. And, of course, DH is all snuggled up with OW somewhere and I'm dealing with this on my own.

Only a few short weeks ago, life was just pootling along in an unremarkable, if not entirely satisfactory manner. Now it's imploded in a way I could just never have imagined.

Tartan, Im up and about as we're well into our day where I live.

I would get my girl home as soon as I possibly could and be by her side through what is an awful time of it for her, and for you as her mum. You cant make everything ok for her, but you can make she has all the help she needs - which Im sure you're doing already.

You seem to have a really good idea of what is going on in her head and heart when in a relationship and perhaps once that is approached through counselling she'll go on to healthier relationships in the future.

As for you doing it alone whilst dad has walked away from family life - there really are no words things eh!