Please help. Husband leaving after 26 years

[tartanbuggy]

I am starting a new thread with a post that I posted within another (very helpful) thread. Just looking for some hand holding please. So very sad.

This happened to me last night. Married 26 years, 3 kids (20 and 17 year old twins). DH and I had not been close or happy with each other for a long time and had grown apart, but I still didn't see it coming. He has got together with somebody at work (he is 54 and the boss), she is 28. He said that they had been attracted to each other for a long time but had not acted upon it until he realised that our marriage was dead. He wants to move out and has said I can stay in the house with the children, but he wants to change our joint account to a single account and then he will continue to pay the bills and arrange to pay an allowance to me for the kids and any necessities. This will be paid into my separate bank account. He earns a lot, I don't. I was SAHM for many years and then spend two years up and down to help my parents who lived at the other end of the country and have since died. I am working p/t time at the moment, but it is term-time only and I earn very little.

I feel like I'm in a dream. I keep "forgetting" and then remembering. I feel numb but with a weird churning sensation in my stomach. I haven't been happy in the marriage either - DH can, in my opinion, be quite difficult to live with and I gradually withdrew and stuck my head in the sand. It then all went round in circles. He said he had been unhappy for a number of years, and that if we had been happy together then the other woman "would not have existed".

The kids don't know yet. They will be told and I am absolutely dreading their reaction. I don't think I can bear it. Oldest DD is mentally very fragile and has been struggling with depression, culminating in an overdose a few weeks ago. Physically she is fine, but I am so worried about her.

I feel sick. Really, really sick and humiliated and terrified about the future and how we will manage. Please, MNers, let me know this can be got through. I am so scared.

Did you instruct your sol to start the divorce? If not, you need to asap.

The finances need sorting asap.

Why haven't you got half of what's in the joint account?

You also need a rottweiler sol, not a nice one. Did the one you saw give you the impression she would really fight for you?

He is banking on intimidating you, because it has always worked so far.

I agree with previous posters - have a stock answer to his financial demands, e.g 'I will discuss your proposals with my solicitor '. Don't engage - he is trying to bully you it panicking. And he is desperate to keep his pension, isn't he? I bet he has maxed his pension contributions to reduce his apparent available salary.

You need an effective solicitor who will not allow your husband to bully you into giving up your assets.

Back now. I finished the last post off rather abruptly because I was posting in the morning before going to work and I could hear him coming downstairs. I didn't want to get embroiled in another early morning discussion and then have to go to work crying, so I got out the door as quickly as possible. He stayed away last night, but will be coming back today at some stage to carry on with sorting out his stuff.

The solicitor also suggested a service called family mediation - I'm sure a lot of you will have heard of this - and it seems a reasonable idea. I can't talk to him at the moment because I'm in a terrible place emotionally and just end up losing all dignity and self-respect and everything else I had promised myself I would retain. He then gets angry and, it's almost as if he needs me to show some signs of resistance to allow him to permit himself to have a fight with me. He says he hates conflict and disagreement, but he sure does seem to thrive on it. A few posters and RL friends have commented that his guilt makes him angry and that he projects it outwards to avoid facing up to what he has done. If he can tell himself that I am the unreasonable one, then he can justify being angry to drive through what he wants.

Talking to the solicitor helped me to realise that there are some things I cannot influence or control: if he decides to go then go he will; sleeping with somebody else may not be nice (understatement of the year) but it is not illegal; it doesn't matter if I say he was a bully or he states that I was cold, frigid and moody - it's not going to affect what either of us is entitled to by law. This resonates with a lot of super advice I have had on here about remaining polite (outwardly), dignified and holding my head high. He is the one who has behaved like a complete bastard and is trampling over the feelings of his family in order to achieve what he wants. I will not lower myself to his level; I will not (oh, and God, it's so unbearably tempting) let my feelings and thoughts about him damage the kids or put them in the position of having to choose between the parents who do both love them; I will not behave in such a manner as to allow him to justify to himself that he was right all along and therefore perfectly entitled to act as he did. His own actions will say more about him than my words ever can. His own actions will be the basis on which others judge him. MNetters, please help me to hold on to this philosophy when I am about to crumble or behave like a deranged madwoman.

At the moment, he is not telling what he calls "the external world" about what is happening and, if anybody has been told, I am sure it will be on the grounds of the marriage being dead in the water for years and both of us agreeing it was not happy. He keeps telling me that I am just fixating on the other woman; that she was a catalyst rather than the reason for the split; that had we been happy then she would not have existed; that he is not leaving me for her .... does anybody else think there is just a little too much protest going on here? He maintains he should have left when he first realised it was the right thing to do. This, apparently, was a number of years ago but that he stayed because of his responsibilities. Had she not come along and chased him (his words) and been such a really lovely person (his words), would he have remained? I have no concrete proof of who she is but, by a bit of deranged madwoman piecing bits together and revisiting things he has said, I think I have an inkling. Obviously, no proof and I would never act on it or take it further because I could well be wrong and the implications for him could well impact on everybody else. And it wouldn't fit with the new noble me

I believe it is somebody who has come in on a rolling graduate training programme at his company. He is one of the very big bosses in the very big company; he mentors and supports graduates as part of his wider role. He told me quite a while ago that one of the young women who works there had come to him and said how pleased she was to be working with him and how she admired his management style that was so refreshingly different from other managers and that she wanted to work alongside him and learn from him etc. At the time, I thought it sounded nice for him to have somebody recognise his abilities - he has always had self-doubts and has constant disputes with peers and senior people. I don't suppose, however, that it would be the sort of relationship that would be condoned by the company - but I don't know the issues on that. It's all just gut feeling, putting two and two together and although I fantasise about saying and doing things, I know I can't because in hitting at them, I'd also be hurting myself and other people.

And two chuffing long paragraphs about the OW by somebody who is trying to deny she is fixating on the OW...

This post is getting a bit long and I need to get on and do some things. I may need some advice later because I know I will have to start thinking about practical things like house sale and where to move to. I need to think about how much will be left for me to live on because there is some mortgage remaining on our current house and to buy somewhere else will need to be done outright because at the moment I earn so little I do not even pay tax on it. I know I will have to think about looking for a job where I can earn more - no problem with that principle - but it's not so easy at my age where I have dipped in and out the part-time job market after the years as SAHM (never claimed any benefits ever due to LYD's salary; stopped Child Benefit claim as well when the new legislation came in). I need to think about how I will live after retirement (I am 53) because I was never anywhere long enough to build up any pension plan and I think there may even be gaps in my NI contributions. I know these can be discussed at mediation/solicitor, and that there is no getting away from the fact that massive changes will be happening.

But I am so terribly, terribly scared about it all and I keep waking up at night with that awful feeling of landing on the bed with a bump. It eases off a bit during the day and then returns in the evening. (Makes it sound as if I'm in bed all day - no, that's LYD and OW) It does help to hear about other people who have been in similar positions (finance-wise, not in bed with LYD and OW) and how they coped, so please keep advice coming. I haven't had time to reply to every single post here, but I have read them all over and over again, and appreciate the time and effort every poster has made. I don't know if you realise just how much it is appreciated. Thank you.

Try to take it one step at a time, you can't sort everything out at once. Focus on eating well and go easy on yourself if things aren't done quite as efficiently as you normally would.

You can request a state pension forecast and statement of NI years via the gov.uk website. You can also get a pension transfer from LYD's fund as part of the divorce settlement. And you can draw money out of pension funds once you reach the age of 55 (not that that's necessarily a brilliant idea, as once you've spent it you've spent it, but it gives more flexibility).

A few posts I haven't seen since I drafted and posted my novel.

Briefly, the solicitor was nice to me but is iron fist in velvet gloves. She was recommended by friend of friend who has been through almost a carbon copy of my situation. Nice solicitor helped her to get a very good settlement.

We discussed divorce grounds and probably the most appealing (at the moment) is on grounds of adultery. He also has been doing research and seemed just a little uncomfortable with the fact that this might entail OW being named. Can't see why; she is a really lovely person after all. Tartan fails massively at noble and dignified.

The joint account just has what's left after bills etc have been paid. He will be continuing to pay all bills relating to the household and an amount to me each month to cover general living expenses and for the kids. It is a roughly 50:50 of the remainder. I will be considering this in my own time - that's what I will tell him - and will let him know what I think. I have a sole account from when I first started working and have always retained it. He has no access to it. We opened a joint account and both accessed it freely - his wages are paid in and all bills, expenses etc come out. He wants to have sole access to his own wages. It is galling, but there would have been nothing to stop him opening a new account and arranging for his wages to be paid in there. So, I'm going to keep my powder dry on that one for the moment. He will keep paying the bills and standing orders etc because they are in joint names and if he welshes then it would impact him too. Plus, he doesn't want to do anything that might jeopardise the relationship he is trying to maintain with the kids.

But, I do hear what you are all saying and will agree to nothing I am not sure about without taking legal advice.

He agreed to the idea of mediation once he had read the leaflet and heard what I had to say. He exploded when I said I had spoken to a solicitor about his various proposals and that, so far, it all seemed OK and she didn't flag anything up. He was very angry that I felt he couldn't be trusted to be honest and do the decent thing and went trotting off to a solicitor to check up on it. Boy, did I have to bite my tongue!!

Lots of tantrums that you're resisting his plan. Which has been carefully constructed to ensure he walks away with pretty much all the assets while keeping as much info from you as possible, And he sees the assets as his anyway. He'll 'support' you for six months before he expects to walk away financially free with everything? Says it all. He wants to avoid an objective eye at all costs, because he won't be able to control it and they'll come up with answers he won't like. Such as your rights and legal fair share. He is out to shaft you, and while it must be devastating to see, his behaviour is showing you clearly that he has re cast you in his mind as the enemy.

Agree to nothing. Expect hidden agendas. Everything through the solicitors, don't trust anything he says. If he's brow beating you you can just walk away, you don't have to engage.

Sorry tartanbuggy I have just seen this but I saw your post on the other thread . I have read your posts but skimmed the others.

In no particular order : First of all - his behaviour in the house in recent months- being grumpy etc - it is all just about him setting the scene and convincing himself that this is the right thing for him to do . He is giving himself PERMISSION TO DO THIS AND BE OK ABOUT IT as after all there were irritating things like rubbish in the floor at home. It's not you, it's not your life ( your life was the normal ups and downs of any long term marriage with children) - it is him! You could have had a 100% clean house and he would look for something else to pick on TO JUSTIFY.

Ah "painless as possible for everyone " - what an arse ! As someone else said I hate him already. He sounds like a real piece of work. Refraining from using my usual word here.

There is no rush to get big decisions made re finances/divorces etc - I would certainly NOT let the joint account be signed over just to him .No way ! He needs to get a new account as someone else said and get all his wages and the debits transferred to that. You are just catching up with him in all of this - he has been thinking about all of this for a while - pensions etc - yes, he has been thinking on how to work this out . It is often a shock for these twats when they do find what the reality of the legal situation is and I do hope it is a big shock to him ! Does he expect his children to be out on the street in 6 months? Are these men even on the same planet ?

Your comment about the Christmas paper struck home with me because it sounds paltry yet it is exactly the kind of -what seems nonsensical- things that go through your head. Mine was exactly the same - I had bought Christmas paper in the sale for the next Christmas in the colour coded system that we used to use ( sounds crazy I know) . You think - why the fuck am I thinking about this ? You will be fearful and you will be scared of everything . I was .You wonder what is going to become of you ? I was there at this time last year. I know exactly how you feel. It is not something that you get over in a few weeks or months. You are lucky that you have your children living at home with you - they are company for you but yes it is heartbreaking to see what they are going through as well. Their lives are changed forever and that is what these men do not seem to get. There will be lots of ups and downs there. My son initially did not speak to his father for weeks and they have gone from what was a very close relationship to one where he says his father is a "fucking idiot " . Now I know that sounds disrespectful but believe me he is not a disrespectful person but he also has had enough of him.

My last point for now - be guided but the general advice is do not trade in a house for pension rights! You like myself don't have a pension pot - I won't even get full State pension. The fact that he has mentioned this pension already makes me think - Yes this is exactly what you need to go after. Fleece him ? revenge ? Oh yes, believe me - you will get there and you will feel anger..right now you are just reeling . You are suffering from trauma both mental and physical .As for the other woman ..well he is lying about her too I would imagine.

Sorry this is an essay. Don't worry - there is nothing too ridiculous or crazy that others have not felt in your situation x

he has always had self-doubts and has constant disputes with peers and senior people

Constant disputes with peers and senior people really doesn't sound like someone full of self doubt to me.

Remember that Tartan and remember that a fair man would actually insist upon you having independent professional advice to secure your future. Why would he not?
Remember that too.

I'm not surprised you had to bite your tongue, but it will be far more infuriating for him if he doesn't know what you're thinking.

He was very angry that I felt he couldn't be trusted to be honest and do the decent thing ...

From a man who's been lying to his wife, having an affair and is now abandoning his family to shack up with a women young enough to be his daughter. He's proven by his actions that he is untrustworthy and won't do the decent thing.

At the time, I thought it sounded nice for him to have somebody recognise his abilities - he has always had self-doubts and has constant disputes with peers and senior people.

and this is what it is all about - someone recognising his abilities and his self doubts - this is why they do it because someone flatters them....as simple as that.......

Well, he clearly can't be trusted to do the honest and decent thing, because his behaviour has been the exact opposite.

He is also not the only person who decides what the external world is told. I bet he really doesn't want it to become common knowledge at work, especially if he held a mentoring position with regard to this woman.

Yes, it's not going to go down well at work when the news lands that Mr Senior Manager has been fucking the ever-so-grateful graduate he mentors. Honestly, the man deserves the sack for just being such an unimaginative cliché.

But there's your bargaining chip right there. If I were you I'd be telling him to leave asap and if he resists tell him that you will feel obliged to tell work what is going on. Yep, blackmail's nasty. But then so's adultery.

Nobility be arsed. don't get mad, get even.

Am I the only one wondering why he isn't moving in with the OW? (Semi-rhetorical question)

OP, you are doing marvelously well! I just came upon this thread and I can't tell you how the things he was saying to you about 'the way it will be' and how 'fair and honourable' he was were sending shivers up my spine. At one point I actually felt queasy because it seemed to me that you might be swallowing the bait at first. But now, look at you! All lawyered-up and everything.

As others have said give no information away, agree to nothing (not even verbally), sign nothing.

It's going to be a rough ride I'm sure, but you'll be first past the post, I know it!

Tartan, scared is normal right now. He has, as others have said, had time to think about this. You, on the other hand, have not. It is bloody scary to think that, in a comparative nanosecond, your life isn't what you thought it was, or would be. You need time to come to terms with it, to grieve the current and future loss. You can decide that this is not the end of you, that you will not let it define you, that you deserve a different future in which there may also be tough bits, but there will be better highs too. You don't deserve this ending, and you don't deserve either what he has done, how he has done it, nor how he is currently behaving.

Oh God! I've gone and done everything I promised myself I wouldn't and now I really don't like the person I've become.

He was round at the weekend to pack up his stuff for the new flat he's renting. It was horrible. He stayed away overnight on Saturday and Sunday and came back last night to sleep (sofa in the living room). He turned up late and we barely spoke. I heard him talking to the kids and telling him that he loved them very much and that it was me he was leaving and not them and that he would always be there to help and support them. He hoped they would want to remain in touch with them and come to his flat for a meal or meet up for coffee etc. He took DS's new phone number etc. I know, I know they are entitled to have a relationship with their dad but it made me so bloody cross and jealous and angry and everything.

Then this morning, I saw him and the atmosphere was so tense. It is absolutely impossible to speak rationally and I'm afraid I went into full on screeching harpy mode. I let him know that I knew who his new girlfriend is - and he was able to make cold cutting remarks about internet searching and that he had been perfectly willing to tell me about her but that I had said I didn't want to know. I did the usual "Do you love her?" He said yes. He doesn't love me. She is moving in with him. I said the kids wouldn't want to visit a flat where she lived. He replied that the children were old enough and mature enough to make that decision for themselves. He said that he understands they will be hurt and angry and that he will give them as much time as they need. He says that OW is now part of his life and that they will support and be there for the children. It is true love; she came from a very dysfunctional family and her parents split when she was little and her older sister brought her up. She works with him.

I then started to do the old "where will I live" "what will I do" "I've got nothing planned for this sort of thing" and it just all went round and round in bloody circles. I just hate the way it is making me behave - I was all hysterical, then crying, then screeching nasty things, then my mouth was so dried up I couldn't speak. I lost all dignity and he remained all calm and dignified and was able to retain the upper hand there. Oh I hate myself for behaving like this. Why couldn't I have kept my mouth shut?

I told him to go to a hotel tonight because him being in the house is too much for me to cope with. He won't be back now apart from a few hours on Friday to pick up the rest of his stuff.

Please, lovely people, help me to cope with the way I'm feeling just now. I realise that I don't love him so why am I so jealous and cut up about the confirmation that they are moving in together? I didn't think they were. I get all tied up and knotted inside at the thought of them travelling back to their little flat after work and being all happy and content with each other while I, miserable old shrew, am left with nobody like that.

Please help me to think of ways not to try and screw up the kids and hurt them. I so want them to hate him and slag him off and refuse to see him but I also know that that is wrong and would end up with them being hurt more than anybody. Why do I get so frantic at the thought of them being OK with him? It hurts so much!

I'm also starting to think again that it's my fault. He said he wanted to try to make the marriage work and that he was always suggesting things to do and places to go but that I never wanted to. He said that all I ever did was make him out to be an ogre but that he isn't like that. Yet, I remember the treading on eggshells round him, the apprehension that he might be in a bad mood when he came home, his absolute determination to do what he wanted to do, his curt dismissals of things I said if he didn't agree. I withdrew because I couldn't see anything else to do and it then became habit. It's very difficult to feel anything for somebody who doesn't seem to like you. He says that it was apparent that I didn't like him. It all goes round in circles.

Sorry for the rant. I can't bear this frantic feeling inside - utter panic and fear and then worrying about the future. He said (after our "talk" this morning) that all I am concerned about is the money and how much I can get. I didn't meant it to come over like that - I guess I am so scared at the thought of having to sell to downsize and then buy something outright (I'd never get a mortgage at 53 and earning less than £10,000) and to get somewhere affordable I'd need to move from my support network of friends and I can't face that, I just can't.

Please, for those of you who have been through this sort of thing - will it get better? Will I be able to survive and come through the other side? I need reassurance that I won't feel like this forever. I want to know that I can become a nicer person again and not all eaten up by bitterness and fear.

On the advise of the solicitor, we will be seeing a mediator, but I don't know what sort of things I will need to be asking about. Do you think I should be getting a valuation of the house and, if so, is it just a case of getting an estate agent in to give an idea? Or is that not particularly accurate?

I think he will be getting a note of a cash equivalent transfer value of his pension. He wants to keep his pension and let me have the house.

I don't know how to work it all out. If the house was sold for (picking an imaginary round figure) £100,000 and the outstanding mortgage was £10,000 then I would be left with £90,000. I would then use that £90,000 to buy somewhere else outright. That somewhere else would have to be big enough for me and the kids. In order to achieve that I would probably have to look at moving further afield. I would not have a mortgage to pay but would perhaps have to downsize again in the future. Is that how it works? I would have to rely financially on old age pension (if I'm entitled to it) and on any earnings I make between now and retirement. I'm sure somebody more switched on will let me know if that is roughly the idea.

Oh, what a bloody awful mess it all is.

Remember Tartan, he doesn't get to decide. He's ending your marriage and you have the law on your side. Please don't beat yourself up for losing it. Your world just crashed in on you. You are entitled to rant and lose it.

I'm sure more of your many supporters will be along with knowledgable advice.

Hold steady.

Oh Tartan, I wasnt going to post as you've been getting brilliant advice, but having read your last one I just have to write a quick one

Everything you have written is just so familiar, your story is so like mine, from the ages of H/OW, to his behaviour, the not actually loving him any more etc. All of it.

How I can help is to tell you that I am now nearly 5 years ahead of you and I am very happy indeed. My DC's (youngest now 20 and at Uni) are also fine now. You will get there. You sound great and you are absolutely allowed to rant and scream like a banshee if you want to. I did. I know it's generally not recommended in the wise words of MN but sometimes you need to do it. Looking back I don't cringe about it because I am glad he heard it. I made a friend via MN who was going through the same as me at the same time, and she too is now all sorted and very happy.

The absolute necessity is that SHL. I had one, and it made a huge difference.

The very best of luck.

Don't worry I went on a full on rant tirade over text message. He didn't reply, but I knew he wouldn't. I want to scream and shout and tell everyone what an arsehole he is. But also want to remain dignified and not feed into his 'she was a nut job' picture he is probably painting of me. Which he has done about every ex...funny considering the only common demoninater is him!! However he is a people pleaser and quiet and ever so nice. Where as I have opinions and not afraid to say them. Which = bitch in his and his friends eyes!!

So after my tirade I realised this. I have emotions. I'm not afraid of them. I acknowledge them and run with them. Rather that than some cowardly, spineless individual who can't respond or react because he either a) doesn't want to acknowledge what an arsehole he is or b) enjoys watching you get upset and gives more 'evidence' to paint you as the 'bad' one. Sadly I think with my ex it's more b!!!!

Actually he did respond. When confronted about a potential OW and deleted texts, moving abroad without me oh and lying about his ex and her having an abortion when we first got together his response was:

'No bodies perfect'

At least we weren't married, no kids, mortgage etc etc. I feel very glad I wasn't!
If you want to rant then rant away here. Best to get the feelings out xx

Just started another post and then pressed something by accident and lost the lot.

Just wanted to say thank you wordassociation for your reply. It helps me hugely at the moment to know that there is such support and kindness. I have read all the replies and have printed the thread off so that I can refer back to different points as and when. Thank you to everybody who has given such good advice about things like finance and the law as well; I am taking it all on board. I've not been able to reply to everybody individually I'm afraid, but my heart rises at every post I read. I find I read something and then two minutes later forget what I've read or even that I've read it at all.

I also find myself crying a lot for my mum and dad. They both died within the last few years and I miss them more and more with an intensity I can't believe at times. I had a really bad time after mum died and the estate had to be dealt with. I was an executor and had to deal with two of my siblings who did not get on with each other and who made the executing the will a particularly difficult and traumatic experience. I was caught in the middle and it was awful. I miss the stability and love they provided. I miss driving up to visit them (they lived in the back of beyond) and seeing their smiling faces watching out from the living room window. I just miss the two people who I know loved me unreservedly and for myself.

I feel there is no end to my self-pity at the moment and I have this overpowering need to unburden myself on everybody - neighbours, friends, work colleagues, strangers. I'm now scared that they will tire of me (I know that people have their own lives) and that I'll have nowhere to go.

Nothing like looking on the bright side, eh?

Well, fuck him on one thing to start with! Of course you're 'concerned about the money'!!! Why the fuck wouldn't you be concerned about being able to keep a roof over your and your children's heads!! Fuck him! Do NOT allow him to manipulate you into less than you are entitled to because he bullies you into thinking it makes you 'greedy'. It doesn't. It makes you logical and equal.

OK, you've had your 'breakdown' in front of him. You were entitled to it and it was long coming and well deserved. Now, consider counseling to help you get through this. You'll need a vent-space, a sounding board, and someone to help you learn the best way to communicate. It's not right to expect yourself to just suck it all up and do nothing. You'll explode.

For now, just remember that old rule 'count to ten'.

My cousin had to decide on the 'house vs his pension' question. It was actually quite a complicated formula and was done by their solicitors and an accountant. Don't try to figure it out yourself and don't rely on his solicitor. Make sure your solicitor AND an accountant review and explain to you. She ended up taking the house and signing off on his pension which in the long run has shown to be a wise decision (for her). We're in the US though, so not sure how it works in the UK. Here it had to do not only with current values but in some way considering future values, too. As I say, complicated. And you should absolutely be getting your own valuation for the house. And clearing everything with your solicitor.

I keep cross-posting. More lovely replies coming in whilst I'm typing my ranty novel.

It helps me so much to hear about your own experiences; it's sad that there are so many of you, but the fact that you are willing to share what happened to you and provide encouragement to me is just fantastic. My God, there are some real horrors out there. I was horrified to read what was said to you Littlec656 - it beggars belief.

I have to be honest and say that DH has not come out with anything like that. Does it sound weird to say that I think it might almost be easier at times if he was an out and out nut-job bastard? It might sustain me more in my feeling of being hard done to and being 100% not to blame. As it is, I find that I'm feeling guilty and partly responsible - which I guess I am - for what has happened. I want to out and out hate him and OW and have the kids out and out them too, but deep down there is this bloody little Jiminy Cricket thing going on.

to you all. Every one of you!

It's ok to meltdown - you've done it now. I don't think you'd be normal if you didn't! Of course he looked calm and dignified - he's the one whose pulled the rug from under you and you're desperately trying to hold on to stop yourself from falling! Of course you're worried about the money - you have looked after him, his children and your home for years thinking he was safeguarding both of your future whilst he was at work so you didn't worry about your compromised ability to support yourself in the long term. Now you are compromised and you need to know you will be safe. It is his choices and decisions that has led to this fear you have now. Your children will be feeling as torn and confused as you are. Keep talking to them. You don't have to like it that they continue to see him in his new set up as love's young dream and neither will they expect you to.

Hire a champion lawyer to negotiate hard for you and your dcc or you will regret it ever after. Please do not give up your power and stick to the truth as he will try to make you carry the blame for his actions. Do not agree to lie and tell your dcc the truth before he gets in his self serving version. You will be proud of your courage and respect yourself for the rest of your life if you pretend to be strong until you are strong.We did and so can you.

Agree with everyone here, do NOT agree to anything re house/pension. That is something to be sorted out by your solicitor working on getting you the best possible deal. You ARE entitled to a fair division of assets and his main aim will be to leave with as much of it as possible. He is showing his entitlement in that he feels this is ok and it's greedy of you to want more than he chooses to bestow on you. He is in for a sharp wake up call, let the legal professionals handle it.

As to feeling bad about panicking while he stayed calm.... er,

HE is leaving with a plan and someone to support him through it. You've been told you're getting left.

HE has financial security and no shortage of earning power. He has no worries whatever about basic survival, he's thinking in terms of designing his new chosen lifestyle. You have serious immediate worries here.

HE has control here. Currently you don't.

The fact he is unable to see or empathise with this again says a very great deal about him. Please don't let him scare you into believing his version of reality, he is behaving like a prick.

tartan My husband walked out on me (for his PA)! after 22 years of marriage. Our youngest had just gone to Uni. H was a 6 figure earner, I earn circa 25k. I asked him to sign the house over to me and I would leave his pensions alone and would not ask for maintenance, he refused. He offered half the house and that was all. At court I was awarded 90% of house and half his pensions so I 'lost' 40k on the house and gained 250k pension pot 😄. I am now sitting in a beautiful mortgage free cottage and have a little money in the bank. PLEASE get a good solicitor and fight for what you are entitled to. This man is NOT your friend. My kids see him a couple of times a year 'because he's our Dad'. They don't respect him one little bit. It is hard, there is no denying it, but you will get through it and be happy again.