Please help. Husband leaving after 26 years

[tartanbuggy]

I am starting a new thread with a post that I posted within another (very helpful) thread. Just looking for some hand holding please. So very sad.

This happened to me last night. Married 26 years, 3 kids (20 and 17 year old twins). DH and I had not been close or happy with each other for a long time and had grown apart, but I still didn't see it coming. He has got together with somebody at work (he is 54 and the boss), she is 28. He said that they had been attracted to each other for a long time but had not acted upon it until he realised that our marriage was dead. He wants to move out and has said I can stay in the house with the children, but he wants to change our joint account to a single account and then he will continue to pay the bills and arrange to pay an allowance to me for the kids and any necessities. This will be paid into my separate bank account. He earns a lot, I don't. I was SAHM for many years and then spend two years up and down to help my parents who lived at the other end of the country and have since died. I am working p/t time at the moment, but it is term-time only and I earn very little.

I feel like I'm in a dream. I keep "forgetting" and then remembering. I feel numb but with a weird churning sensation in my stomach. I haven't been happy in the marriage either - DH can, in my opinion, be quite difficult to live with and I gradually withdrew and stuck my head in the sand. It then all went round in circles. He said he had been unhappy for a number of years, and that if we had been happy together then the other woman "would not have existed".

The kids don't know yet. They will be told and I am absolutely dreading their reaction. I don't think I can bear it. Oldest DD is mentally very fragile and has been struggling with depression, culminating in an overdose a few weeks ago. Physically she is fine, but I am so worried about her.

I feel sick. Really, really sick and humiliated and terrified about the future and how we will manage. Please, MNers, let me know this can be got through. I am so scared.

I agree that you dont agree to anything until you see your solicitor.

I agree that it smells very fishy to suddenly have an about face like this. My guess is that either he thought that you would just roll over and give him everything he wants and on discovering that you wont has googled how much a court case would cost him. Or he has money/shares/property that you dont know about and he is agreeing to everything you want to avoid them being found out about and you claiming on them. Only you know whether the latter is a likely (or not) scenario.

I agree definitely don't agree until you have taken advice on it.

I'm gonna be the bad guy here and suggest that the sudden about turn might be to do with the pitter patter of feet. I wholeheartedly hope that I'm completely wrong.

Thank you everybody for your suggestions and ideas. If I amalgamate them all it looks like he's won the Euro Lottery and is expecting triplets after taking legal advice.

I've regained a little bit of equilibrium now that the wine levels have subsided and the anxiety has abated a bit. I really think I was starting to go a bit mad. A good friend came over this afternoon and just talked some sense to me, made tea and handed out the tissues. Just what I needed.

I think that STBXH reverted to what DD1 calls his throwing the toys out of the pram mode. He made the initial proposals based on what he decided was "fair". My solicitor said his calculations were made on a rudimentary basis and advised me what to ask for. He tended to get quite angry if somebody seemed to be contradicting him or preventing him from getting what he wanted, especially if he felt he was being generous and deserving of gratitude, and so I think he just went to his default position of "No". He's obviously gone away and thought about it and I think he has probably decided to agree because somewhere along the line he has realised that he's not going to get as much as he thought. I do not for one minute think it's because he feels any desire to help or accommodate me.

I will take further advice from my solicitor and will get STBXH to put his proposals in writing. I'm in no hurry to go through the emotional wringer of mediation anytime soon, so I will have a good and careful think about things before proceeding.

Thanks again, folks, for all your support.

Hi tartan my love, my ex did the same thing at mediation, went in as "mr 50/50", until the mediator explained that wasn't really the case. I had all my ducks in a row, and he hadn't bothered with any legal advice, apart from a free half hour.
Now he's realised that you aren't just going to accept whatever he deems "fair and equitable " , he's decided to settle, before you take him to court.

It's all shit my darling, but you are doing so well, I know you will be ok, you write so well and with such humour, even though you're going through the hard yards. Xx

I hope you are right hobbit for tartan this would be great news and then like me you can at least feel secure financially it's a big weight lifted , tartan a lucky man will love you soon as your humour and kindness is what men really want Hun ❤️

Read this whole thread last night. I haven't got any advice, there are people much more knowledgeable & sensible giving excellent advice & info.
But I wanted to say I think you are amazing tartan You come across as being such a funny, kind and thoughtful person.
I hope things are sorted out for you at a pace you are happy with and with the best result possible.
Good luck

I came on to say the same as Pamela has. I haven't any advice to offer as the advice you've been given has been so fantastic, there are some truly amazing people on here.....and you're one of them!
How you've coped with what your bastard of an ex and his ridiculous ow have put you through has been nothing short of incredible, you should be so proud if yourself. You're doing brilliantly, even on the days when you think you're not.
How is your ds? I literally had tears in my eyes when you described his reaction to being told the news, and his subsequent issues at college. I do hope he's doing well again. I have a ds only a year or so older that him, and I couldn't imagine having to watch him go through that pain. Give him a hug from this soppy old mare, please!

to you tartan

Hello Hobbitwife and Kirk. I think you both have a good point. Interesting that your ex did the same in mediation and I think mine might be operating in a similar vein. I am damn sure his change of heart was more to do with what he might lose rather than any feelings of benevolence towards me. I also think that Mr Big Shot I'm-Such-A-Good-Negotiator was probably rather miffed to find out that his calculations were considered to be "rudimentary" and that his largesse wasn't quite as he had imagined. Rotten bugger, eh!

Nice to meet you PamelaFlitton and ladymariner and for your lovely messages. It really gives me a boost when I'm feeling down and helps to keep me going. Thank you. This thread has been an absolute life-saver for me at what has been, and still is, the worst period of my life.

Thank you for asking about my DS. He has had a hard time of it and I have noticed a real change in him since it happened. Before it happened there was still a carefree boyishness about him, but I've noticed this has gone and I still think he's internalising quite a lot of things. It's such a bad age for it to have happened - not that there's ever a good one - and it's very difficult for him to work out what his "role" is, if that makes sense. Stupid, stupid STBXH thought that there would be no change in their relationship and that by saying "I'm leaving your mother, not you", then the DCs would be perfectly fine and understanding.

I would pass on the hug ladymariner, but I can just imagine the grunting and eye rolling

Well, off to work soon. Will post back later.

Oh dear, not exactly covered myself in glory today.

I had a missed call on my mobile and thought it was from the garage about picking up the car. I called the number back and it was the mediator's PA saying that STBXH had been in touch to arrange a further session and suggested a date next week. I just suddenly realised that I could not face going through it all again and said that I didn't think I wanted to have another session. The PA asked why not and then I just couldn't hold back any more. I cried and cried and said that it was all too much and I just couldn't do it any more. I could just hear her in the background saying "Are you all right? Are you all right?" I spluttered out something about it all being too emotionally difficult and for them just to tell STBXH I can't do it any more and that he needs to send his proposals to my solicitor. And other stuff I can't really remember. I kept apologising and she kept telling me that it was OK and not to worry. This was all played out in the staffroom at work and I really vented afterwards. I was crying, pacing, ranting, swearing. Colleagues were absolutely brilliant and hugged me and fetched tea and doughnuts and encouraged me to let it out. I ended up shoving a whole doughnut in my mouth and still managed to swear round it .

I hope I've not been too hasty but after all the emotional turmoil over the weekend and the long on-going slog of trying to keep on top of everything and deal with the kids' needs, the thought of having to prepare for yet another session, getting there early to avoid STBXH, sitting waiting for the door to open and the mediator to come in, waiting for his pronouncements ... I just cannot do it. I figure that if he's willing to agree to the proposals, then he can just put them on a piece of paper and send them to the solicitor and she can turn them into a legal order once I've agreed. Anything that came from mediation would still have to go through the same process so I reckon it's not really too much different. Or is it? Oh God, I hope I haven't cocked it all up.

I'm really not coping well at the moment and am feeling that panicky, anxious way that I did in the beginning and most of the time I just want to run away from it all. I am due to see the GP on Thursday re my ADs and wonder if it would be appropriate to maybe ask for a stronger dose - currently on 50mg Sertraline. I hope they're not on a page of deciding to wean me off them.

It's been a shitty day today. I've been so down and have just had a cross exchange with DD2 about a microwave curry. The car has been out of action for over a week and I was expecting it to be picked up today and it hasn't been. I've not done a proper shop for quite a while and keep having to run to the corner shop for supplies because there's nothing in. Hence the cross words about a curry. Can't get anything right at the moment. Can't face going out but have just realised we are completely out of toilet roll and can't improvise much on that. Bugger.

Please join me in wishing particularly nasty karma to visit STBXH and OW. They are responsible for all this misery and heartache in my life and that of the DCs. I just can't bear to think they will "get away with it", even though they probably will.

Tartan, it will be ok. It will all be ok in the end. Xxx

This just shows that mediation is not the way for you. Much better to have had this happen now, than to have forced yourself to go, and have it happen there...

Separate the leaves of kitchen paper and tear in half?

Well I'll join you in wishing a plague of boils on their nether regions, tartan my love, just for the shits and giggles.

The best revenge is a life well lived as they say, maybe they will not last, maybe karma might visit and bring a nasty surprise or two, but maybe it won't, and you can't base your and your children's happiness on hoping that it will. You're just in the middle of a horrible situation at the moment, and you've just got to plough through it.

And you will, because you have to, there no other option. Xx

Oh tartan buggy, I've read this thread and it's made me laugh, cry and swear on your behalf. You seem a truly genuine, lovely lady. Whatever you face next please, please remember what an amazing person you are, that you deserve resolution, you deserve peace, sanity and to be happy. Keep focused on this as your goal. You'll get there. Xxx

Jess sends love and strength to you through the power of the pineapple, tartan, xx

Tartan I am on sertaline 150 Mgs I slowly increased they have saved my life , please tell GP everything in Thursday ,my lovely you are allowed to be emotional and you need to be in control and if you don't want meditation as it too stressful don't do into your mental and physical energy. Let the solicitor sort outfit you , that's what you pay them for, you need to minimise the damage this is doing to you ❤️ You are a wonderful woman but you have been broken into a thousand peices and all this takes time . Pm me anytime I will be here for you ❤️

Hey lovely TB. I have been thinking about you, I check in every so often and saw the thread had revived. Will PM you also.
In my case, my h said no to everything I put forward for 18 months, made some crass suggestions about resolution. To that point I'd been reasonable particularly over pensions, but had left myself some room to manoeuvre. So I stopped being reasonable, and all of a sudden he decided to be. It turns out that he is marrying the OW, which explains his turn around.
It's almost 2 years since he left, my girls have seen him for what he is (just one small example: they were upset about the marriage, and got told that he was only concerned with his own happiness, their views were unimportant) and they don't play happy families with him and OW, they recognise all I have done and been for them.

And me, well, of course there are still times when I wonder-should I have fought harder for him, lost the only thing left to me which was my dignity in my dealings with him, etc etc. But I don't miss who he has become, and I don't want to be involved with a man such as he is now.

Thanks to some good legal advice, and counselling and good mates, I am better than ok, and when times are tough and my emotions get the better of me, I remind myself that with or without him, we all have tough times.
Take care honey. You are doing a wonderful job!!

Have not logged on all day and just popped on now, before bed, to have a look and have found all your lovely messages and especially Jess.

I will post again tomorrow. Had a bit of bad day today and texted him . Felt a sudden urge to tell him how I felt and so told him that he and OW had inflicted more hurt, anguish and heartbreak on me than I could bear. Have felt like a right idiot ever since and very weak-willed. I also said that I neither expected nor wished a response to my text. And I have been checking my phone for messages ever since. I am worried about losing all dignity and doing/saying all the things I promised myself I never would. Let's hope I find some strength from somewhere.

Goodnight all and I hope to be in better fettle tomorrow.

It's not weak tartan, it's just telling him as it is.
Sleep well lovely. Good night x

Well that was a more dignified text than I sent, tartan my lovely, I just called him a c**t....... And then blocked him..

It's only natural to want to tell him how you feel, after all, you've had many years together, and want him to realise the consequences of his actions on you and your children. He's detached himself from the family unit already though, so he can justify his relationship with the ow, and stop the guilt from eating away at him.

You are not weak in any way, for texting, but I'd write it all down in a journal instead, to get it all out of your head, that's what I did at the time. Looking back at it now, it's the outpouring of anger, hurt and genuine disbelief that he could actually do this to us. It did help, and stopped me contacting him in person. No contact is the way forward, just email and through the solicitor.

I wouldn't worry about the text, as the others have said it was rather dignified and they deserve to know the consequences of their actions.

Writing things down is a good idea, also I'll share something I've done -
I was getting upset at certain songs on the radio when in the car (lyrics I could relate to), spent many a journey with tears rolling down my cheeks. Then I decided to sing along to the songs with my own lyrics - lots of swearing about what cunts they are plus how great I am (only to be done when no one else in the car!) Sounds a bit cheesy, but it made me feel more in control and not a victim.

Have a good day today - you deserve it

Just saw your thread pop up.

I think you're doing marvelously well. As far as the text, there's nothing wrong with telling someone some home truths!!!

Hello to some lovely familiar faces AcrossthePond, Kirk, Pisco, Hobbitwife and Theoscar and nice to meet some new people Faffalotty, Ragdollymama and TheSilveryPussycat! My name is Tartanbuggy and I'm a piss poor judge of men.

Thanks all for your messages of support. I'm glad the consensus seems to be that I managed to remain restrained and dignified. The only thing that keeps me in check is the thought of how I would feel further down the line if I really let rip. Might be satisfying at the time, but later .... maybe not so much. Tempting though it might be to tell him how I noticed on his credit card bill on the same date as the items he bought me for Christmas, there was an online payment made to MedExpress, whatever that was. You poor love, were you ill?

There was a blip today when DD1 had a bit of setback along the same lines as before. However, there was no particular trigger and it doesn't seem to be as intense and desperate. She is well within the system and it seems to be more of a fall than a desperate headlong plummet. It's a long, hard road she's on and I guess a few setbacks are to be expected. She certainly doesn't have that lost, terrified air she had last time and she was able to deal with the situation as it arose. Still a bit of a worry though ...

I saw the GP this afternoon; she was lovely and very sympathetic. We agreed I'd try 100mg Sertraline (previously 50mg) for a month to see if they helped. The 50mg was great for a while, but I think the effect was beginning to wane a bit and I was starting to experience that anxious, fluttery, need to run away type of feeling.

The one thing I have no problem with is sleeping! I didn't sleep very well before he left and have realised that not only did his incredibly loud snoring and snorting prevent me from getting to sleep, it was waking me up two or three times a night. Now, I get to sleep straight away and only wake up when the kids crash about and leave ALL the feckin' lights on. Q: How many light bulbs must be illuminated to enable one 17-year old to pee?

Thank you for all the wonderful messages of support and advice. I have a couple of PMs to reply to - will do so tomorrow or when I'm sober. Whichever comes soonest. x

Hello back. I got a giggle out of your piss poor judge of men. When, after my first marriage and then another relationship with a narc user, I went to counseling they asked what I wanted to accomplish I said "I want to know why I keep picking such shit men!!!". So welcome to the club! 18 mos of counseling made me an EX-member. Ha.

How many light bulbs? The answer to that is 'one more'.

Hi tartanbuggy,

I just wrote along piece after reading your whole thread over the last three days and I lost it. I bloody hate it when that happens.

In a nutshell I just wanted to say you've had marvellous support and advice on here and I think you are amazingly strong person.

I know you are having a fair few grim days but they will get fewer(trust me I've been there) and you will have wall to wall sunshine once all the nitty gritty is sorted. Let your solicitor sort out all the finances out, she's the expert and that's what she's getting paid for.

You will be fine, I know it, in the meantime have some and .

Best wishes.