Please help. Husband leaving after 26 years

[tartanbuggy]

I am starting a new thread with a post that I posted within another (very helpful) thread. Just looking for some hand holding please. So very sad.

This happened to me last night. Married 26 years, 3 kids (20 and 17 year old twins). DH and I had not been close or happy with each other for a long time and had grown apart, but I still didn't see it coming. He has got together with somebody at work (he is 54 and the boss), she is 28. He said that they had been attracted to each other for a long time but had not acted upon it until he realised that our marriage was dead. He wants to move out and has said I can stay in the house with the children, but he wants to change our joint account to a single account and then he will continue to pay the bills and arrange to pay an allowance to me for the kids and any necessities. This will be paid into my separate bank account. He earns a lot, I don't. I was SAHM for many years and then spend two years up and down to help my parents who lived at the other end of the country and have since died. I am working p/t time at the moment, but it is term-time only and I earn very little.

I feel like I'm in a dream. I keep "forgetting" and then remembering. I feel numb but with a weird churning sensation in my stomach. I haven't been happy in the marriage either - DH can, in my opinion, be quite difficult to live with and I gradually withdrew and stuck my head in the sand. It then all went round in circles. He said he had been unhappy for a number of years, and that if we had been happy together then the other woman "would not have existed".

The kids don't know yet. They will be told and I am absolutely dreading their reaction. I don't think I can bear it. Oldest DD is mentally very fragile and has been struggling with depression, culminating in an overdose a few weeks ago. Physically she is fine, but I am so worried about her.

I feel sick. Really, really sick and humiliated and terrified about the future and how we will manage. Please, MNers, let me know this can be got through. I am so scared.

Great advice on here, but do not trust that he will continue to say that he will pay mortgage etc. My XH told me, when I threw him out after finding out he was cheating on me, that he would always support me. Within a few months, he had stopped paying everything except the mortgage - without telling me! I started getting threatening letters coming in because he wasn't paying any bills. Our phone was cut off... it goes on. I was not working because he had wanted me to stay at home.

I played nice and went with our nice family lawyer for the divorce, but I wish I had gone to the SHL that I knew who would have really gone for the jugular. I came out with a good settlement, but he stopped paying for DD2 the minute she left school and has given her nothing towards university. He told her that since she decided to go (nobody needs a degree to get a job - that's a fallacy according to him) she could pay for it! I couldn't do anything about it, as he was living abroad at that point and legal fees would be crippling. Protect yourself at all costs and don't be nice. Don't be nasty and vindictive, either, but you have to protect yourself.

Take each day as it comes. Lean on friends and family and as others have said, be kind to yourself. This is not your fault.

DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING

Tell him not to go to the bank and do anything because it will all be handled by the solicitor.

I would also tell him to move out immediately and that you will be telling the dc together. You will also not lie to your children They will inevitably ask if someone else is involved and you will lose their respect if you lie

How they process that info, and if it reflects negatively on him, is his problem alone

I hate this man already.

Tartan, I will post later and at more length but wanted to say 2 things quickly. One is, I have been where you are, it's horrid. But 15 months on, I have survived, and you will too. I know you won't believe that now, because I didn't, but it's true, and I have.
Secondly, let him be angry. It sounds like he has had some advice, get some yourself, and behave the way you want to, that you know is right for you, so you can look back and regret nothing you said or did. He has lied, betrayed you, and that's his fault, not yours. I would have moved heaven and earth to stay with my h but like yours, he never gave me that chance. That's really sad, but this ending is not your fault.

The only good thing to come out of this situation is that you don't have to allow him to control you anymore. You have the right to say what you want to whomever you please. You don't have to do what he says.

Of course he wants to tell the children himself - he wants to make it your fault. He is rewriting history already to minimise his affair. Your children have every right to know the truth - their father chose to leave for another woman, and they should not blame themselves or you.

And yes, it would be helpful for college tutors to know, because they can smooth over practical details like extending coursework deadlines. You do not have to allow your husband's demands to damage your children's study.

He doesn't get to tell you what a court of law will say. Take advice from a divorce lawyer, not the man who is trying to take everything you have to give to OW. (I wouldn't be surprised if she is only after his money, because it sure doesn't sound like he has many other appealing qualities). if that's the case, he will need to bleed you and the children dry of money in a bid to hang on to OW.

You know for a fact he isn't honest or decent. Honest, decent men don't have affairs and behave threateningly towards their wives.

You need legal advice about protecting yourself financially. You are married - it isn't his money / house/ pension - they are all marital assets. Start from the premise that he intends to take everything that is jointly owned by both of you to give to OW, rather than deluding yourself that he will look after you. He won't

And also do familiarise yourself with the script. Inertia is right about the rewriting history nonsense, that is exactly what he is doing and it is foul. And yes indeed - his money/house/pension - how bloody dare he. And he may well say he will look after you but give it a few weeks/months he will cut that down to the bare minimum so you need advice now.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

Been there too, 6 months after divorce, he was begging to come back! His life has been a car crash since, and my DC, although they love him, see him for what he is.

Hire lawyer asap, because as everyone here points out, as time moves on, his bond to your family lessons and his promises to you re finance disappear.

You know it was his decision to end your marriage? Well make that the LAST EVER decision he makes on your behalf.
And I read one of your paragraphs above and my only thought was - why is this woman still married to this jerk? Thank god he's ending it as she says she hates confrontation, at least he's taken that confrontation away from her.
All you need to say is that you will not be agreeing to anything without advice on your personal situation - he may feel that he can sort it all out himself, you don't. And don't discuss it, let the solicitor do your talking for you.
And get that personal advice ASAP this week.
Your children are young adults - let them draw their own conclusions. It's not like you will be expected to facilitate contact etc - they can do this themselves. I am sorry your older daughter may take it very badly, perhaps you could get some extra support lined up for her.
Take exactly what solicitors say is your 'due' from this marriage. No more, no less. Take it.
I don't like the sound of your husband, I think he might be one of them there worms that turn, I don't think he's going to treat you honourably or respectfully in this process.

You need legal advice, but he is a pathetic sad old man, having an affair with someone only half his age. You are well rid, although it may not feel ike it at the moment.

You have a lot of rights in a long marriage. A dear friend of mine, who'd given up excellent job + pension, and moved with her (now ex) DH to the other end of the country and had to become a SAHM for their children, found that when her ex started to withold money etc etc (typical financial abuse). Her divorce settlement was 60/40 of joint property in her favour.

I know you will be feeling as though you have been run over by a steam roller tartan because that is how I felt when my partner of 32 years left me for someone much younger.

I don't have much to add to the advice given so far, but don't trust him to take care of you in the future. He is making those promises to you now to keep you compliant to his plans, and to make himself feel better about being such an absolute bastard to his wife and family.

Once he realizes just how much keeping a 28 year old interested in an old man costs, that will all change. so you need to look after yourself and your children, and get what is yours by right.

It's clear from his comments to you that he has this well planned, and that he expects you to obey him. For you, this is all frighteningly shocking and new, so do not agree to anything, and do sign anything, until you have taken legal advice.

On a practical note, keep your own counsel, just has he has done while planning this, so don't give him notice of your plans.
Try to keep eating even if only snacks, keep cheese eggs and bananas to hand!

Keep posting, there is always someone here! Best wishes.

I cut and paste this from Hush's thread:

Three things I learnt:

There's no fucking housework police.

Never believe a word of what he says.

It will take as long as it takes to come to terms with it. Let no fucker tell you to 'move on' - and if they do, tell them to off-fuck as well.

And that's not just my experience - there's an abundance of women right here reading you walk into the elephant trap! Allalonenow has it spot on.

You might have once been married to a good, honest, decent man. Currently you're married to a liar, a cheat and a fraud. And he's only going to get worse if you stand up for yourself. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario, I'm afraid.

Take care.

My word! There is excellent advice on this thread and I can't add to it. He is responding as he is precisely because you are being reasonable and raising issues he thought you wouldn't probably have the where-with-all to think about. There is no way he should speak to the children alone and individually. That makes it easier for him - don't allow it. Is he intending to move this woman in with him? Maybe he will bide his time on that so it doesn't look as though he leaves one relationship straight for another. Do nothing without legal advice - you need someone to guide you with their head and not be swayed by your broken heart that is fearful for the future. You have the moral high ground here - use it and stay a step ahead of him! Be strong - you can do this.

Fuck letting him tell the kids on his own! He'll paint his own picture of him "carrying you" all (either by blaming just you or you & the kids as s collective) and that will do nothing for your kids' self-esteem, or your relationship with them.

Take control, including control of the information given to others. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Tartan, so sorry to hear this. Your H will promise all manner of things but may backtrack when his woman protests. You need a legal foundation to all this. So pleased to hear how well your DS fared in his new job. Never mind about him telling the DC so he can put his spin. Your DC must know that whatever happens you love them and will care for them. Tell them their father loves them but will explain why he is leaving himself. Do not let him get in first - he may not be fair in his assessment of you and your relationship. It is not mandatory that he has charge of the situation. Take care

Not read the full thread.

Tartan - he's getting angry with you because he knows he's treating you and the kids like shit and he feels guilty. As he fucking well should.

Yeah - he wouldn't want to mention the OW would he? Boy, did that bring back memories. We told the children together and guess what - he didn't even mention the OW. He said it wasn't the same thing as he had only met her (on line) after we (he) had decided to split.

When I questioned him later he said that he felt they didn't need to know about her yet. Well about 2 days later one of them asked directly so I told them - in your face XH! They didn't seem surprised.

You speak to the children together so everyone knows what was said and nobody can put their own spin on it.

Oh, and about this:

He instigated the split - although he says it should have happened years ago and that he doesn't want to visit the past and talk about blame or faults - but, surely, to God I don't deserve him to be angry at me about it

If it should have happened years ago, then the honourable thing for him to have done was to leave BEFORE having an affair. You might not have been the partner he wanted (quite frankly I doubt that the OW is either, but that's her problem) but it is absolutely NOT your fault he had an affair.

Getting angry about it makes sure that you are kept in your place and don't dare question him. Honestly OP he sounds insufferable and your life is going to be so different - in a good way - that you won't know yourself. IMO your children will eventually see him for what he is.

Echoing what everyone else has said - get a solicitor, and don't agree to anything without legal advice. He's not on your side anymore and you can't trust him to do the right thing.

Also, be prepared that the OW will dump him when she realises that everything is not going to be easy and exciting any more, especially with three potential stepkids. I work in a high-powered environment with a lot of powerful middle-aged men (and am about the same age as the OW). It is easy to find someone attractive in those circs, but people can have a charismatic persona at work that they can't sustain 24/7. I'd bet anything OW is attracted to the persona but won't be so keen on the reality.

So be prepared for him to try to come back when it all falls apart.

Tartan, everything I've read about your H repulses me.
Woken up to his unhappiness by a work junior who was only two years old when you and he married? Oh dear. No fool like an old fool.

I'm appalled at his idea of his largesse granting the family a short lifeline while telling you all to get real and tighten your belts.

He's angry with you because he wants to retain control of everything and come out smelling of roses. The truth gets in the way of that.

Regardless of your innate sense of fairness and dignity please do as advised here and get yourself a bloody shit hot lawyer. Don't discuss anything or agree to anything at all, just refer all queries, ideas and comments to your professional representative - they're the one who's going to have your back.

You'll come through, but be tough and if necessary fake it until you make it.

Solicitor solicitor solicitor.

You are going to be divorced: that means you will go from leading a joint financial life to separate financial lives: you split your property, you are each responsible for your own income, but depending on where the children live one of you will pay maintenance to the other for care of the children.

Starter for 10: you are entitled to 50% of ALL marital property - house equity, pensions (his and yours), motorbikes, cars, the whole shebang. Get an idea of what everything is worth before you go to the solicitor, including his pension pot and any savings and motorbike values.

He does not get to dictate how the financial split goes, and what he is saying about paying the mortgage and bills for you is patronising bollocks.

On a lighter not OP. It will be interesting to see how his OW will handle his lovely personality eh? Poor cow won't know what's hit her once the bloom has gone off the rose!

I hate this bastard on your behalf OP.

As others have said, don't agree to anything, don't sign anything, don't trust anything he says.

I think you should tell the children together, and email their respective schools/colleges to inform them of the situation. I teach, and this is standard practice. He is trying to control what information is released to minimise the impact on his reputation and to assuage his guilt. Tough shit. What's important is that the children are adequately supported.

I think he sounds like the type of man who will accuse you of 'turning people/the children against him' if they disapprove, you should prepare for that I think.

I'm not sure I understand what he's trying to do with the current account. If he wants it in his name only then that is possible, but you would need to visit the bank and sign paperwork to agree to it. I don't think you should do that without speaking to a solicitor first.

Having said that, he could open another account and have his wages paid into that, rendering any conflict pointless.

Just don't trust him OP, don't believe a word he says. He'll look after himself first that's for sure.

Wow! So much excellent advice and so many spot-on perceptive comments. There are too many to single out and comment on. I am absolutely humbled and delighted that every single one of you has taken the time to think about me and my predicament. I am going to save this thread and print it out to read and re-read.

Solicitor it is then! I will definitely be doing that. I was speaking to a RL friend who has a friend who went through almost exactly the same thing as me (except ow was 26 in her case!). Friend of friend will be coming to see me and will give me the name of the solicitor she used and can highly recommend.

I too have no doubt that DH might believe what he is saying at the moment, but am beginning to see things a little more clearly and that if things with OW develop then he may well change his tune. Quite a few people have commented that he seems to have given it all quite a bit of thought and, yes, he must have done. He was able to trot it all out two days ago but I was too shocked and distraught to pick up on that.

He has gone away for the night and will be back tomorrow evening. I have told him that I want him to tell the kids altogether and that I will be there. I also told him that he has to tell them about the ow because he said he told me in the interest of fairness and honesty and therefore he owes them the same. I pointed out that no matter how quiet and discreet he thinks he is being, the truth has a way of getting out and it is better for them to hear it from him rather than from someone else. It's a large local employer and we have an unusual surname. In fact, I work with somebody whose husband works there and knows who DH is. DH had no idea who the husband was.

The script is brilliant. There are so many bits and pieces in there that I wonder if he actually read it. Definitely the rewriting history bit. And it's not you, it's me and the blame statements.

He says he can't start to rent a flat until he knows how much it is and how much all the outgoings are etc so that he has an idea of what he can afford. Don't know when that will be - I guess he'd better start looking very soon. He says he has no plans to move in with OW - don't know if that's because she lives with parents, or whether she is married too (that would be interesting!) or what. Don't even know where she lives.

He keeps stressing that nothing happened between him and OW for a long time and that they had just had a mutual attraction. Then when it became obvious that the only right thing to do was to end our marriage that's when they started seeing each other. Don't know if they slept together or not. Seeing as our sex life was non existent (my fault too) I imagine he jumped at the chance. After about three weeks of this he said he felt he owed it to me not to lie and that it wasn't fair on me to continue the deception and so told me the marriage was over. No idea what the truth is. Mind you for the last year he started to lose lots of weight, went to the gym, went on the sun bed and had some cosmetic dentistry. Now he just needs some hair to complete the picture of perfection. Miaow

I'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow when the kids are told. Am dreading it and have got that nervous churning in my stomach at the thought.

I'm still finding all the posts invaluable and a great moral support. Thank you, thank you everybody.

Lovely Tartan

for you x

I just love how you are managing the odd bit of humour here and there. You seem so sweet and funny. You have a ton of people here rooting for you!